Read My First Story Please!! ; )

Joined
Mar 14, 2006
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Hi there Literotica member! My name is Michelle and this is my first story here on Literotica. Could you please ckeck out 'The First Day Of Spring' by MichelleMyBelle?? It is under the 'NEW' stories.
Thank you so much!
Love, Michelle
 
Here's a direct link to the story to make it easier for others to get to.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=247244

I'm just an inexperienced writer myself, so that's the perspective to have when you read my critiques and impressions.

It may look like I'm picking the beginning apart excessively, but I'm just using the earliest example of any thing I think should be mentioned as I read the story.

I'm wearing a thin ,white, cotton summer gown with spaghetti straps..that just barely covers my ass cheeks. I just sit back with my legs propped up and drift away.
I've had to beat a rule of good writing into my head, stay away from ellipses. Most readers frown upon them except in a few cases. When you do use them, make sure it's always the same number of pips, generally three. The use of ellipses doesn't really detract from the story to me, but many will find them distracting as "bad form".

which would be a better word than that in this passage as well, it would make it flow a little better.

You walk out, hand me a cup of peach tea, and sit next to me with a sweet smile..."Good morning my sweet Belle'" .."Good morning sweetheart".
Split dialogue from different speakers up into their own paragraphs. It can become confusing for a reader to know who is speaking if more than one person is speaking in a paragraph, especially when viewed online.

MMMMMM..... I gasp a sweet moan with a smile...the smile that I know you love so much. We just cuddle and hold each other for a few minutes...the whole time I'm wiggling my ass against you slowly... as I think about how warm and wet my pussy is
Watch the Mmmms and ohhhhhs as well, many readers find them distracting as bad form. Again, it doesn't detract from the story to me at all, except that they feel a little odd outside of dialogue, I'm just pointing out some things commonly said in the various places feedback is presented to authors here on Lit.

I gasp a sweet moan- A gasp and a moan are two very different sounds, and the way this is worded makes it feel like one sound. Something like I gasp and moan softly would flow better.

You gave me that naughty smile and replied with "That's not the only thing that popped up around here."
You have a switch in tense here, and it happens a few more times throughout the story. It's a little jarring to go from It's the first day of spring. I am awake early to this.

It's a mistake I used to commonly make at times in the past when I was writing from straight inspiration and not a mental outline.

The story feels as if you wrote it in the heat of the moment, aroused and seeing the fantasy in your mind as you wrote it. There's nothing wrong with that, because it brings the characters to life, but you have to go back later once the feeling has passed and clean it up a bit afterwards to make it more readable.

Just running it through a program with a decent spell/grammar checker can help you catch things that the emotion you're feeling, even when reading it after the fact, can mask. Microsoft Word actually works well for me.

I can feel the intensity of the fantasy; it just needs a little polish once the afterglow of the writing has cooled. With a little polish, the intensity and romance of the tale will hit a reader more directly.

Hope this helps :)
 
Hi Michelle,

My father and brother are both Beatles nuts, but I'll try not to hold that against you. ;)

Darkniciad's right. Many readers, including me most days, are lazy, so it's a good idea to include a link to your story, especially since it won't be on the new stories list long.

Second person perspective isn't my cup of tea, so I'm afraid I only skimmed the story up to the point where the sex started. The only thing that jumped out at me was the narrator slipped from present tense to past tense and back again at least once. Other than that I thought it was pretty well written for a simple sex scene. Nice imagery in the opening paragraph.

P.S.
Good timing too. :) May I asked when you submitted it?
 
About "The First Day Of Spring"..

Thank you all so much for your suggestions. I greatly respect all of your ideas and corrections! Thanks again!
Michelle
 
MichelleMyBelle said:
Thank you all so much for your suggestions. I greatly respect all of your ideas and corrections! Thanks again!
Michelle
I enjoyed your story, and since I use an editor, I don't go into grammar and mistakes with other authors. I don't enjoy the person you put the story in to read personally, though I used to write like that myself.

The best way to learn is to do, I left a comment but it didn't leave my name for some strange reason today. Great job, keep it up. :rose:
 
DanielleKitten: About the last reply...

Daniellekitten said:
I don't enjoy the person you put the story in to read personally, though I used to write like that myself.

I'm not sure exactly what you meant by this. Could you explain a little more please?
Thanks for your time,
MichelleMyBelle ; )
 
MichelleMyBelle said:
Daniellekitten said:
I don't enjoy the person you put the story in to read personally, though I used to write like that myself.

I'm not sure exactly what you meant by this. Could you explain a little more please?
Thanks for your time,
MichelleMyBelle ; )

I had to read that sentence several times before it clicked what she meant. Or what I think she meant. *shrugs* See if this helps:
http://www.pgtc.com/~slmiller/perspective.htm
 
MichelleMyBelle said:
Daniellekitten said:
I don't enjoy the person you put the story in to read personally, though I used to write like that myself.

I'm not sure exactly what you meant by this. Could you explain a little more please?
Thanks for your time,
MichelleMyBelle ; )


I'm pretty sure it was a reference to second person voice.
 
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