Raven's poetry Corner

[Raven Wilde]

Having started this thread over on the general board and then being told about this place, I have moved.

All comments questions and feedback are much appreciated. Thanks for at least clicking on the thread.

 

[Raven Wilde]

Not Again

Never will I love again
The way that I loved you
For I would have to be a fool
To believe in love again

A dreamer I am chasing
Heart breaks knowing
That I will just end up
With a heartache endlessly

So give up, yes give in
When all you get is hurt
Maybe if I quit then I
Will be the one who wins

Tomorrow will be another day
And I may change my mind
But in the pain I feel
I will never love again

Who cares I do
Why when I've been hurt
Well I don't know
But I wont let myself love

Forget forgive but never shall I heal
From the knife pushed into me
Do I care yes I do
But no longer will I love you

Raven Wilde

 

[Raven Wilde]

Look Deep

If you look into my eyes
And see into my soul
You may not like what you see

If you look into my heart
You'll see the reason why
This has come to be

If you look beyond that and see the
The woman inside
You may be tempted to cry

For you can see the pain
If you can understand it
It may just change your life

If youre a fool like me
And believe in love
It may change your mind

So do not look into my eyes
If you want to love
For fear of the pain inside

But if you look into my eyes
With love in your own
And promise to be true

Then you will remove the pain
Behind these eyes
And replace it with love for you


Raven Wilde

 

[Elda Furry]

RE: Not Again

Good poem. I think the first two lines and the last one say it all:
"Never will I love again
The way that I loved you
But no longer will I love you"

The love that was discovered with that one person was so intense that it can never be with another. But sadly that person is no longer loved. So that one of a kind love is lost forever.

I hope you don't mind me playing around with another version of your poem.

The way I loved you,
never again.
To believe in love again,
I'd be a fool.

Heartaches, heartbreaks.
A dreamer ready to quit
to win.

Tomorrow, things change,
minds change, but not
the pain.

Forget, forgive, but
never heal, and
never love you.

Raven Wilde, have you submitted any of your poetry to the site? Hope to see you on the new poems list.

 

[Raven Wilde]

Knifed

I walk through the valley
Eternally black
From the pain you have caused
From the knife in my back

First come first serve
Love kills love hurts
Why me is all I have to say
Why am I the victim

I come to you
With intentions true
All you deliver is
Games and stress

So I walk through the valley
Eternally black
Without love
And a knife in the back

Raven Wilde

 

[Raven Wilde]

Re: RE: Not Again

Good poem. I think the first two lines and the last one say it all:

Raven Wilde, have you submitted any of your poetry to the site? Hope to see you on the new poems list.

I liked your version as well. As for submitting, I am still trying to work up the courage to do that but thanks a lot for the encouragement.

 

[Elda Furry]

Well, if you're brave enough to post here and to welcome feedback, then submitting a poem to the site will be easy.

 

[Raven Wilde]

thanks

Ok I finally submitted my poem to the site, 72 hrs or so I will know what they think of it. Hopefully in that time I figure out how to post a link to it so people can look without me having to re write it here.

Thanks to Elda Furry for the cattle prod in the rear to get me to do it!

 

[Elda Furry]

Prove It

Good poem! Glad you submitted it. Hope the cattle prod in the rear didn't hurt too much.

Elda

 

[Raven Wilde]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=41917

Well after getting the know how from Weird Harold, (thanks again) Here it is

 

[Fairytat]

Re: Not Again

Never will I love again
The way that I loved you
For I would have to be a fool
To believe in love again

Very beautifully written. Simple yet precise. This instantly draws the reader in.

A dreamer I am chasing
Heart breaks knowing
That I will just end up
With a heartache endlessly

I like what you are trying to say here. Just needs a little work so it doesn't sound quite so awkward.

So give up, yes give in
When all you get is hurt
Maybe if I quit then I
Will be the one who wins

From the beginning you spoke in first person but then on the second line of this strophe you wrote "when all you get is hurt." While I understood that you were still talking about yourself, since there was a second person already addressed as "you," it confused the issue. Perhaps it should read like, "so I give up, yes I give in/all I get is hurt/maybe if I quit then I/will be the one who wins"

Tomorrow will be another day
And I may change my mind
But in the pain I feel
I will never love again

I like this because it indicates that you are in pain now but you might be able to get past it. Gives the reader a sense of hope for you. This is your poem's resolution so it should be what you end with rather in the middle.

Who cares I do
Why when I've been hurt
Well I don't know
But I wont let myself love

This is just redundant and detracts from the overall flow. Plus, the first line "who cares I do" makes no sense grammatically (at least without punctuation--I assume it is a question "Who cares? I do!" and a prouncement but doesn't work without the exclamations).

Forget forgive but never shall I heal
From the knife pushed into me
Do I care yes I do
But no longer will I love you

Since earlier in the poem you stated you "might change your mind" you seemed to tell the reader you would hope to move past the pain. This stanza, especially as the ending, takes away your resolution you had earlier.

Never will I love again
The way that I loved you
For I would have to be a fool
To believe in love again

A dreamer I was chasing
Heart breaks knowing
That I will just end up
With a heartache endlessly

So I give up, yes I give in
All I get is hurt
Maybe if I quit then I
Will be the one who wins

Tomorrow will be another day
And I may change my mind
But in the pain I feel
I will never love again

I put one stanza in italics because I feel that it should be in there if you could somehow rework it so it flows with the rest of the poem.

 

[Fairytat]

Re: Look Deep

If you look into my eyes
And see into my soul
You may not like what you see

I think the first two lines flow well but then "you may not like what you see" seems forced.

If you look into my heart
You'll see the reason why
This has come to be

I would actually like a little description of the "reason why." Then I might have a better sense of why it's so important that s/he woos and wins you.

If you look beyond that and see the
The woman inside
You may be tempted to cry

"Look beyond" what? Look beyond your heart? Im a little confused as the first line is ambiguous.

For you can see the pain
If you can understand it
It may just change your life

How will it change his/her life?

If youre a fool like me
And believe in love
It may change your mind

Change his/her mind about what? Loving you? Not loving you?

So do not look into my eyes
If you want to love
For fear of the pain inside

I am very curious what s/he will find so terrible that you think they will turn away from you.

But if you look into my eyes
With love in your own
And promise to be true

This portion really doesn't need to be split from the other stanza. It interrupts the flow when reading it.

Then you will remove the pain
Behind these eyes
And replace it with love for you

Good resolution. You are directly telling him/her what will happen if s/he does this.

If you look into my eyes
And see into my soul
You may not like what you see
If you look into my heart
You'll see the reason why
This has come to be

If you look beyond that and see the
The woman inside
You may be tempted to cry
For you can see the pain
If you can understand it
It may just change your life

If you're a fool like me
And believe in love
It may change your mind
So do not look into my eyes
If you want to love
For fear of the pain inside

But if you look into my eyes
With love in your own
And promise to be true
Then you will remove the pain
Behind these eyes
And replace it with love for you

I really think this poem has great potential as you clearly convey your fear of rejection by this new possible lover. Plus, you have a great sense of internal rhythm. Unfortunately, parts of it leave me questioning as I want to know what it is you fear they will reject in you.

 

[Fairytat]

Re: Knifed

I walk through the valley
Eternally black
From the pain you have caused
From the knife in my back

I really love the way you describe your desolation at his/her betrayal-- "I walk through the valley/Eternally black."

First come first serve
Love kills love hurts
Why me is all I have to say
Why am I the victim

Unsure what "first come first serve" is supposed to mean. I also feel "why am I the victim" is a bit melodramatic. Also redundant since you have "Why me" already stated a line above it.

I come to you
With intentions true
All you deliver is
Games and stress

"I come to you/With intentions true" is very nicely written but "game and stress" doesn't fit the overall tone.

So I walk through the valley
Eternally black
Without love
And a knife in the back

I like this but there is no resolution. There is always a sense of tying the ending back into the beginning but you don't need to repeat the first stanza virtually word for word.

I walk through the valley
Eternally black,
From the pain you have caused,
From the knife in my back.
First come, first serve;
Love kills, love hurts.
"Why me?" is all I have to say.
Why am I the victim?
I come to you
With intentions true;
All you deliver is
Games and stress.
So I walk through the valley
Eternally black,
Without love,
And a knife in the back.

This poem has some intriguing lines (ie "I walk through .." and "I come to you...") but there are a few you could get rid of (eg "First come..." and "Games..."). Also, it helps if you have punctuation as it makes certain statements emphatic.

 

[Raven Wilde]

Thanks

Just wanted to put a note out to Fairytat.

Thanks for really digging deep into my poems, it shows a lot of insight into my work. I wish I could say that I was a perfect writer but I am not and therefore all constructive criticism is appreciated.

All of these first poems were written long ago and hopefully as I post more the wisdom one gets with age shows through and the quality improves. When I posted them I was tempted to make a few of the changes you have sugested (I certinally didn't think of all of them) but chose to post them as they were written.

Again, A big thankyou for taking the time to share your thoughts and ideas

 

[JUDO]

Yeh!

Cool thread, RW. And isn't that what we're all here for - to become better poets, better writers.

Remember that. Keep writing, posting and do what you can to contribute back to the community. Please e sure to comment on the other threads and if you have questions about how anything works, start a new one.

Great job on this thread. Keep it up!


- Judo

 

[Fairytat]

Raven,

I enjoyed your poems as they brought me into your pain. Sure, there were a few things that you left out but that's understandable since you were writing for yourself and already knew the reasons. I do hope you post more as I like your writing style and clear convictions.

 

[Raven Wilde]

When the Bell Tolls

She lays there
Body poised in sin
Her crimes now exposed
For the world to see

Her dark lust haunts her
Yes mocks her every whim
As she moans In remembrance
Yes bitter remembrance

When the bell tolls

His anger reaches out
He cries out in his pain
His memories come to haunt him
As his deed replays in his mind

The blood upon his hands
A man lies at his feet
He has lost it all
In just minutes

When the bell tolls

Their worlds have become
Lives lead in darkness
Hiding in the shadows
They both feel so alone

Alone they shall suffer
Never knowing what will come
Only death is certian
Is that all that is left

When the bell tolls

Another day has dawned
The sun begins to rise
They sit alone in sadness
Waiting for the final time

When the bell tolls

Raven Wilde

 

[Nightbird]

I miss you.

 

[annaswirls]

I miss you.

your post brought up the tears
like one last push of a handle
the primed pump
that waits for the last gentle hand