rape?

[ElaineWest]

I'm a little embarrassed about this... last night my husband and I were fighting and I got turned on by his anger. He can have a very violent temper, I always assumed it was because he and I are 19 & 20, we've been married for 9 months. But he has NEVER hurt me. He must have gotten turned on too, he grabbed me and we started going at it.

[Edited by ElaineWest on 10-17-2000 at 12:15 AM]

 

[Silverlily]

Sweetie, you have mail.

 

[forgetunome]

If you didn't want it and begged for him to stop...and he continued regardless in my opinion it is rape. Anything done without your consent regardless of stranger, boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, is rape. Hopefully, this is a one time occurence and he is sorry. But, I would think you both need to talk about it in a calm non-threatening way and try to figure out why he carried it that far and not to do it again. No there is nothing wrong with being turned on by it but, when you asked him to stop you should have been listened to.

He probably is embarrassed and feels pretty low for what he has done I suspect that is why he didn't say anything and was holding you. But, in marriage communication is the key. Not ignoring the problem and hoping it goes away...or yelling...use communication, when people are yelling at each other nobody is listening to the other. Try not to approach with an accusatory manner so as not to put him on the defensive.

I hope my dear this doesn't happen again but if it does please seek counseling...at that point you need an experts advice if not now.

Best of luck to you dear! Feel free to E-mail me if you wish...I can't promise I have answers but, I listen well.

I have been married for 13 years and there will always be ups and downs but, I think the biggest key is communication and respect for each other.

[Edited by forgetunome on 09-26-2000 at 11:26 PM]

 

[Weird Harold]

What I'd like to know is was that rape?

Yes!

Should I say something to him?

Yes!

What if it happens again?

When you say something to him, make sure that one of the things you say is that if he ever again fails to stop when you say no, you'll call the cops.

Is it alright to be turned on by violence to a point?

Not only is it alright, it's even somewhat normal. Arousal and the "fight or flight" reflex both trigger adrenalin. Sometimes the signals get mixed up as to which reaction is proper.

When you talk to him about this, it isn't necessary to be confrontational about it. You both need to remain calm and rational so you can set some limits on the "making up phase" of a fight.

I once lived with a woman who tried to kill me at least once a month. The first time with a broken whiskey bottle, and the other five times with a six inch lock-blade knife I bought her. (Clean cuts from a sharp knife heal neater than gashes from a broken whiskey bottle.)

My friends would ask me why I stayed with such a wild woman. My answer was always delivered with a leer: "Because making up is sooo much fun."

I too have a raging temper, but have learned to manage and channel the anger. Cat was never in any danger from me, although since she hadn't learned to regulate her anger, I was in serious jeopardy from her. (I think buying her the knife and forbidding her to break any more whiskey bottles is what kept her from using the knife seriously. It made her realize that I quite literally trusted her with my life no matter how angry she got.)

Your husband could use some anger management training. Hopefully, this incident will be what allows himself to admit it to himself and seek help.

One final suggestion:

Seek medical attention for the spotting and pain. Forcable, dry penetration can cause internal injuries that while not terribly serious in themselves, can lead to complications if not treated properly.

 

[Guest]

I have to agree with everyone here so far. Even though he is your husband, it was still rape hon. Since you said you told him to stop, and he didn't, he raped you. Even if you started off turned on and willing, the second you become unwilling but the person won't stop, it's rape. Bottom line.

 

[Wizard]

Yep, sorry to say also I too have to say he raped you.............

 

[ElaineWest]

thank you all VERY much

I just want to say thanks for the concern and support. I asked this board because I wanted an unbaised opinion and some anonymity.

This morning I talked to my husband about it. He admits it was rape and that it scared him very much. He has apologized several times and asked for my forgiveness. I told him he can have my forgiveness when he gets some help. We are currently looking for therapists and some anger management for him. And I am seeing my doctor tomorrow about the bleeding and pain, I hope it goes well.

His anger and wildness have always been a turn on to me, but they have never turned on ME. I've always felt very guilty about liking that side to him, and in someways I felt I deserved what happened, now I DON'T. I love him VERY, VERY much and we have decided to use this incident to strengthen us and our marriage instead of harm it. We both love each other very much and want to make our relationship work.

Again, thanks to all of you! It helped!

 

[Weird Harold]

Re: thank you all VERY much

I love him VERY, VERY much and we have decided to use this incident to strengthen us and our marriage instead of harm it. We both love each other very much and want to make our relationship work.

Best wishes to you both. It's going to be a lot of work, but it should be worth it in the end.

 

[forgetunome]

I am happy to hear it took a positive turn.... Marriage is truly worth fighting for and it's worth all the hard work! Glad we could be there for you.

I wish you both the best!

 

[Silverlily]

Re: thank you all VERY much

I just want to say thanks for the concern and support. I asked this board because I wanted an unbaised opinion and some anonymity. Again, thanks to all of you! It helped!

Believe me, I understand the need for anonymity. Good luck and remember, we're always willing to listen.

 

[lala]

i wish more people could see this thread-

i am so happy that you found people to talk to elaine

i am so happy that you all responded so well-

i am so happy that something so awful can be addressed and handled- hopefully strengthening your relationship

i am so happy to see someone make an intelligent decision in a frightening situation,

this thread has restored some of my faith in humanity

 

[Wizard]

Thats good news , make sure he gets help. I have heard folks say that but never go get help....make sure he does.

 

[freelancer]

rape or not....

Angry sex can be incredible sex. I once dated a girl who, I honestly believe, would pick fights just 'casue it made the sex so much hotter. I agree with the other posting, that he probably feels badly about what happened, and that you need to talk about it. Telling him about how much it really hurt (the anal sex) and that you had problems for a few days will probably make him feel even worse, but you need to let him know. At the same time, if you think you might have enjoyed the emotions running wild if it had been expressed in a more, um....lubricated place, you can let him know that, too.

if sex is always angry sex, that is bad. If it only sometimes, and neither of you really hurts or injures the other, well. . .

 

[KillerMuffin]

I've found out through my marriage to the StudMuffin that when there is sexual problems in the marriage that require therapy, then both of us need to go. Obviously you have some unresolved issues yourself about liking the violent side of sex. There is nothing wrong in the very least with that. Its perfectly normal and okay for you to feel that way. However, you probably should come to terms with it, either by yourself or with a therapist, for your own mental well being. Guilty recriminitations and what if I deserve its aren't going to do either of you any good.

Good luck sweetie.

 

[ElaineWest]

Well, freelancer I have discussed the excitement of angry sex with my husband and my therapist. And I know now it's okay, to a point. I HAVE always felt very gulity that this has been a turn on for me, and felt that in someways what happened to me was my faulght. Like I encouraged it by liking it rough in the first place and making that know to my husband. I know now that IS NOT TRUE.
I am okay physically, and I'm getting better emotionally. Actually I didn't realize how bad I was doing.
I feel much better about quite a few things now and I've been able to set the record straight with myself and others. Therapy has helped me a lot. Thanks for your concern.