Rail

[AChild]

Railroad

Smoking in the cold cold light
i comfortably tear a hole in space
nothing special
my pointed hand disappears
just before the binding

It's easy cause I have become
the words
they chew and chew in by
brain, webbing

glossing over the eye and brain teeth
you can see it, a band of white
a letter from a real type writer
makes a well and fills it with ink
click, click, click, click, so fast that the motor that makes it becomes a hum

not letter after letter but
image after image
the scenes don't just play

they rewind, for examination
what color was that gorilla?
did they just have sex?
how did we get here?


they pause


The meaning gets deeper
cause you know it,
you learned in that unfair school house
you have a scar, a moment of tears
a knowing of something that is real
that you will never forget

cause you don't,
you feel this truth is truth
down in the place where dreams comes from

sometimes, sometimes
it just flows you
like being touched
because when your in it, you are
moving down a mosaic hallway
with that sense that doesn't have a name

 

[Senna Jawa]

Railroad

Smoking in the cold cold light
i comfortably tear a hole in space

"comfortably tear" is bad logically and poetically--poetry is the art of words, after all.

nothing special

Unnecessary and prosy (remove it ).

It's easy cause I have become
the words
they chew and chew in by
brain, webbing

To turn it into poetry (against the odds ) say it simply:

words chew and chew in
by my brain, webbing
​

("It's easy" is prosy, and avoid logical explpanations like "blah-blah cause blah-blah"; the trite sounding phrase "I have become words" is a pathetic garbage).

glossing over the eye and brain teeth
you can see it, a band of white
a letter from a real type writer
makes a well and fills it with ink
click, click, click, click, so fast that the motor that makes it becomes a hum

The last line is too much of verbiage and explaining. Readers are not stupid (some are but we don't care for them). So:

the motor clicks click click ck ck ckckckck...
​

That's all. Perhaps you want to imitate the train more, like this:

the motor clicks click click ck ck ckck-ck ckck-ck ...
​

I don't know. ... No, it's good because it may flow into the continuation. You have next:

not letter after letter but
image after image

Instead you could avoid the talk by a simple device (I'll repeat the previous line here to have them together):

the motor clicks click click ck ck ckck-ck ckck-ck ...
click-image click-image click--im-idge click--im-idge...
​

(without a vertical spacing between the above two lines).

The rest of your poem is poor.

Regards,

 

[Senna Jawa]

Just musing and...

==

wondering

what is that smile about
next to the ear
next to the alka-seltzer pill
immersed in a glass filled with water?
​

Regards,

 

[champagne1982]

Just musing and...

==

wondering

what is that smile about
next to the ear
next to the alka-seltzer pill
immersed in a glass filled with water?
​

Regards,

eeew Senna! I'm left hoping the seltzer will have its own glass.