Quit Lurking and Post
- Thread starter Dar~
- Start date
Dar~
Indefatigable
- Joined
- Mar 3, 2005
- Posts
- 7,338
Gorilla Removal Service
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there."
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions.
"Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there."
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions.
"Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."
matriarch
Rotund retiree
- Joined
- May 25, 2003
- Posts
- 22,743
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check.
She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."
She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."
dreampilot79
Thanks to Rhino for da AV
- Joined
- Mar 24, 2004
- Posts
- 2,949
The city feller buys a big farm in the country.. stumped for what to grow.. he decides on chickens...
He goes to the feed store and buys 10,000 baby chicks....
a month later he comes back and buys 10,000 more
a month later he's back again with a repeat order...
The store owner says "Wow! you must have one hell of a chicken farm"
The city feller laments.. "Oh no.. it's just not working out!"
The feed man says "Whats wrong at your farm?"
The citty feller laments.. "They're just not comming up chickens... I'm not sure if I'm planting the chicks too deep or too far apart"
Sick Sick joke... Matt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lths an hugs
He goes to the feed store and buys 10,000 baby chicks....
a month later he comes back and buys 10,000 more
a month later he's back again with a repeat order...
The store owner says "Wow! you must have one hell of a chicken farm"
The city feller laments.. "Oh no.. it's just not working out!"
The feed man says "Whats wrong at your farm?"
The citty feller laments.. "They're just not comming up chickens... I'm not sure if I'm planting the chicks too deep or too far apart"
Sick Sick joke... Matt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lths an hugs
Man walks into a dentist's office. Dentist looks up and asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man replies, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist says, "I'm a dentist! You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know." The man says.
So the dentist asks, "Then why did you come in here?"
"Your light was on."
...
All I could come up with, sorry. What is this affliction where the minute somebody asks for a joke, all the funny ones you've ever heard evaporate?
The man replies, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist says, "I'm a dentist! You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know." The man says.
So the dentist asks, "Then why did you come in here?"
"Your light was on."
...
All I could come up with, sorry. What is this affliction where the minute somebody asks for a joke, all the funny ones you've ever heard evaporate?
matriarch
Rotund retiree
- Joined
- May 25, 2003
- Posts
- 22,743
I've sure gotten old.
I've had 2 By-pass surgeries.
A hip replacement, new knees.
Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
I've had 2 By-pass surgeries.
A hip replacement, new knees.
Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
lil_elvis
So pazzo
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2005
- Posts
- 4,827
A guy sees a sign for a weight loss clinic "Lose 30 lbs. in 3 Days. Moneyback guarantee."
He knows he needs to lose weight and can't pass up the opportunity for such quick results and signs up for the plan.
The attendant tells him to strip and enter the first door on the left.
"But why do I need to strip?"
"It will all become clear."
So he does as he is told. Upon entering he sees a gorgeous blonde with a sign around her neck, "If you can catch me, you can fuck me."
So after about chasing her for 30 minutes, he finally catches her and has the best sex of his life.
Upon going home, he sees he's only lost 3 pounds, but figures he's gotten laid and it will probably be free.
On the second day, he returns to the clinic and is told to strip and go to the second door on the left. He rips off his clothes and finds the room occupied by a knock out redhead with the same "If you can catch me you can fuck me" sign around her neck. Being a little worn out from the previous day, it takes him forty five minutes to catch her, but again has great sex.
On the third day he goes back to the clinic and informs the attendant that he's only lost 5 pounds in two days, so how's he going to lose another 25 pounds in just one day.
The attendant says not to worry, just strip and go to the thrid door on the left.
Figuring he'll get his money back, the man races to the door, yanking off his clothes along the way. Upon entering, he finds a gorilla in the room. Around his neck the sign reads "If I catch you, you're fucked."
He knows he needs to lose weight and can't pass up the opportunity for such quick results and signs up for the plan.
The attendant tells him to strip and enter the first door on the left.
"But why do I need to strip?"
"It will all become clear."
So he does as he is told. Upon entering he sees a gorgeous blonde with a sign around her neck, "If you can catch me, you can fuck me."
So after about chasing her for 30 minutes, he finally catches her and has the best sex of his life.
Upon going home, he sees he's only lost 3 pounds, but figures he's gotten laid and it will probably be free.
On the second day, he returns to the clinic and is told to strip and go to the second door on the left. He rips off his clothes and finds the room occupied by a knock out redhead with the same "If you can catch me you can fuck me" sign around her neck. Being a little worn out from the previous day, it takes him forty five minutes to catch her, but again has great sex.
On the third day he goes back to the clinic and informs the attendant that he's only lost 5 pounds in two days, so how's he going to lose another 25 pounds in just one day.
The attendant says not to worry, just strip and go to the thrid door on the left.
Figuring he'll get his money back, the man races to the door, yanking off his clothes along the way. Upon entering, he finds a gorilla in the room. Around his neck the sign reads "If I catch you, you're fucked."
rgraham666
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2004
- Posts
- 43,689
Three gays are in a bar, discussing what their preferred profession would be.
"Me?" asks the first one. "I would love to be a hairdresser."
"That's nice," says the second, "But it's a ballet dancer for me."
"I want to be a baseball pitcher," announces the third.
"Oh, for heaven's sakes! Whatever for?" chorus the other two.
"Well, I catch the ball from the catcher, roll it in my glove, toss it to the first baseman, who throws it to the second baseman, who lofts it to the third baseman, who sends it back to me. I go into my crouch, nod off the first signal, agree to the second, start my windup…
"By this time some guy up in the stands yells, 'Pitch, you cocksucker!'
"That's what I like. Public recognition."
"Me?" asks the first one. "I would love to be a hairdresser."
"That's nice," says the second, "But it's a ballet dancer for me."
"I want to be a baseball pitcher," announces the third.
"Oh, for heaven's sakes! Whatever for?" chorus the other two.
"Well, I catch the ball from the catcher, roll it in my glove, toss it to the first baseman, who throws it to the second baseman, who lofts it to the third baseman, who sends it back to me. I go into my crouch, nod off the first signal, agree to the second, start my windup…
"By this time some guy up in the stands yells, 'Pitch, you cocksucker!'
"That's what I like. Public recognition."
Dar~
Indefatigable
- Joined
- Mar 3, 2005
- Posts
- 7,338
A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the
house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy
his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the
party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and
eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called
for him to follow her.
She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the
door. She looked at him and smiled. "Throckmorton. Take off my
dress." He did so, carefully. "Throckmorton. Take off my
stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Throckmorton.
Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever
catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired.
You guys are doing great. The jokes are hilarious so far . . especially yours Mat, I didn't think you were the prostate cancer type.
house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy
his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the
party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and
eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called
for him to follow her.
She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the
door. She looked at him and smiled. "Throckmorton. Take off my
dress." He did so, carefully. "Throckmorton. Take off my
stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Throckmorton.
Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever
catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired.
You guys are doing great. The jokes are hilarious so far . . especially yours Mat, I didn't think you were the prostate cancer type.
Extreme Bohunk
Bongo Fury
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 2,589
insert rim shot
How can you tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
How can you tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
G
Guest
Guest
And another?
No, I had to edit. That was just too bad. I'm ashamed of myself.
(If you wanna know what the joke was, PM me.
)
No, I had to edit. That was just too bad. I'm ashamed of myself.
(If you wanna know what the joke was, PM me.
)
Last edited by a moderator:
ElizabethWest
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2005
- Posts
- 15,305
Did you hear about the guy who was on Viagra and Rogaine?
He had a full head of hair, but it wouldn't lay flat.
He had a full head of hair, but it wouldn't lay flat.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Subject: Bragger
Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out
into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.
His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says,
"Son, I've >spoiled that woman."
Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out
into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.
His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says,
"Son, I've >spoiled that woman."
G
Guest
Guest
Mother to Daughter "Chat"
A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
"Mom, where do babies come from?"
Without much hesitation, using the meal preparation as a distraction, the mother decides it's time for the chat and offers an explanation, nonchalantly.
"Well, honey, the mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room, and they kiss and hug and . . . and have sex.
The mother continues with the food preparation, but the daughter looks puzzled.
"Sex?"
The mother continues quickly, "Well, that means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina, and that's how you get a baby, sweetheart."
The mother smiles, thinking that's enough for her daughter to think about for the next three seconds before she runs off to play.
"Oh, I see . . .” The little girl's voice trails off, then she thinks. "But the other night when I came into you and daddy's bedroom, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. So, what do you get when you do that?”
The mother pauses, smiles, and sighs. "Jewelry, dear."
A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
"Mom, where do babies come from?"
Without much hesitation, using the meal preparation as a distraction, the mother decides it's time for the chat and offers an explanation, nonchalantly.
"Well, honey, the mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room, and they kiss and hug and . . . and have sex.
The mother continues with the food preparation, but the daughter looks puzzled.
"Sex?"
The mother continues quickly, "Well, that means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina, and that's how you get a baby, sweetheart."
The mother smiles, thinking that's enough for her daughter to think about for the next three seconds before she runs off to play.
"Oh, I see . . .” The little girl's voice trails off, then she thinks. "But the other night when I came into you and daddy's bedroom, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. So, what do you get when you do that?”
The mother pauses, smiles, and sighs. "Jewelry, dear."
Similar threads
