Quick points for new subs

[Croctden]

Lately it seems the only subs I run into are new to the lifestyle. Some of what they say cracks me up, but I thought I would post some serious thoughts.

I think it is important for new subs to keep in mind that there is no BDSM rule book; every Dom has his own way of doing things. If you have a hard and fast conception of what a Dom is, you’re going to be disappointed. We vary as great as any other collection of human beings. So do subs. Hell, so do all D/s relationships. This would be why communication is so important (even more so than for vanilla couples). If something is bothering you, don’t internalize it without saying so because you think you need to trust you master. First of all you shouldn’t trust someone who keeps making you do things you don’t like and never questions you about how you feel. If a Dom demands trust from a sub he also implicitly accepts responsibility for their care. Also trust doesn’t mean he’s omniscient. We are trusting you as well. Not just to not be a psycho, but to be honest. If you’re not, then the relationship is doomed from the start.

In some sense I think writing this is pointless, every sub seems to go through the same mistakes, I guess it is the process of learning, the same a teenagers dating. Most Doms going through a learning process too, most of us have they hyper fear moments when we start where we won’t let subs talk to anyone else because we want what we imagine is complete control and are terrified of being poached. Don’t worry ladies: most of us come to realize you can’t squeeze someone that tight unless we want to choke off what makes them a vibrant human being and then we grow out of it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Nice to see you back on the board...WB....you have been missed. As usual you speak honestly and with wisdom and openness. There is often this idea promoted that a submissive has to prove their desire to submit by being completely trusting from the beginning, jumping through a host of hoops which seem to serve no purpose other than to inflate the Dominant's ego perhaps, even before meeting face to face. And similarly, many people have the notion that D/s is about one person barking orders and the other grovelling and falling over themselves to carry them out without ever having the right to discuss what issues may be residing in the relationship or terms of the D/s. I love you have highlighted the need for honesty as I believe that is the single most important ingredient from the beginning.....without it you have nothing but pretense and insecurity for evermore. Hope you post more and all is well in your world.

Catalina

 

[Croctden]

I doubt too many people know me, most of the names I remember seem absent.

I still think I am probably just wasting my time battling against human nature, but I agree with you. Someone decides they are submissive they enter into a big dark intimidating world. They think they should just do whatever they are told and so keep quiet when don't like something. Worse yet even if their Dom is wise enough to ask them how they are doing they lie and say great because they think they are supposed to agree to any and every thing.

 

[sunfox]

I doubt too many people know me, most of the names I remember seem absent.

I still think I am probably just wasting my time battling against human nature, but I agree with you. Someone decides they are submissive they enter into a big dark intimidating world. They think they should just do whatever they are told and so keep quiet when don't like something. Worse yet even if their Dom is wise enough to ask them how they are doing they lie and say great because they think they are supposed to agree to any and every thing.

I remember you.

And while you may be battling against human nature, and nothing can really stop people from having the usual growing pains of a relationship, whether it be kinky or not... it's still good for those who are just starting out to see the facts. That everyone goes through the same learning curve. That it's okay to ask questions and have concerns, and that your Dominant should listen to you and give weight to your thoughts. And that you should be truthful, even if you think it's not what your Dominant wants to hear.

Good points all, and it is nice to see you post here again.

 

[marieR19]

I'm very new to this and all of the thing that people say, all of the advice and tips I have read on this board, have helped me and given me stuff to think about. So thank you.

Marie

 

[evesdream]

I doubt too many people know me, most of the names I remember seem absent.

I still think I am probably just wasting my time battling against human nature, but I agree with you. Someone decides they are submissive they enter into a big dark intimidating world. They think they should just do whatever they are told and so keep quiet when don't like something. Worse yet even if their Dom is wise enough to ask them how they are doing they lie and say great because they think they are supposed to agree to any and every thing.

Hi Croctden
I remember you too. Hope you stick around.

When I want to be contrary for whatever reason and I'm in an intimate situation or relationship with a man, I tend to have to consciously resist a compulsion to do what he says he wants me to do. It's why I'm forced to face the facts and call myself a submissive.

Likewise I wouldn't say that I've done things I regret in that respect because I thought resisting would be breaking someone's rules; more likely it has been because I felt insecure about testing the strength of the relationship or the dom at the time. It can certainly be a tough inner barrier to break through.

 

[Croctden]

I guess everyone remembers me because of my kickass AV

You raise a good point that I had not been clear on. Sometimes a Dom is going to want to expand your boundaries/test your limits. This is perfectly legitimate (however he should not be doing this from day one or doing it every day), and were trust in a relationship is crucial.

I'm not saying a sub should never do something she does not want, you are a submissive after all, what I am saying is you should never repress your thoughts and lie to a Dom saying you love it thinking this is the right thing to do just because you are a submissive.

A Dom should definitively be aware if a sub is afraid or unhappy with something. A good Dom will keep that in mind and may alter his plans some (go slower, offer more verbal encouragement, etc). This is the key to a healthy relationship. I know it often seems contradictory to what comes naturally for a sub. What I usually do is have a scheduled time were my sub and I and make sure everything that needs to be addressed is. Usually once a month we go out for breakfast (I've found it helps to be in a public place totally removed from where we play).

Remember a Dom is only as good as the information he has

 

[shy slave]

You raise a good point that I had not been clear on. Sometimes a Dom is going to want to expand your boundaries/test your limits. This is perfectly legitimate (however he should not be doing this from day one or doing it every day), and were trust in a relationship is crucial.

I'm not saying a sub should never do something she does not want, you are a submissive after all, what I am saying is you should never repress your thoughts and lie to a Dom saying you love it thinking this is the right thing to do just because you are a submissive.

A Dom should definitively be aware if a sub is afraid or unhappy with something. A good Dom will keep that in mind and may alter his plans some (go slower, offer more verbal encouragement, etc). This is the key to a healthy relationship. I know it often seems contradictory to what comes naturally for a sub. What I usually do is have a scheduled time were my sub and I and make sure everything that needs to be addressed is. Usually once a month we go out for breakfast (I've found it helps to be in a public place totally removed from where we play).

Remember a Dom is only as good as the information he has

Hi Croctden, yes I remember you too

It is the Av that does it lol

New subs are like lemmings sometimes,

I know that I didn't exactly throw myself into this, but read, thought, asked questions (still asking ) and timidly started with someone online before stepping into r/l with someone else.

Made all the mistakes that everyone makes despite being determined not to *sigh*

Now I am with Andante who makes me tell him my thoughts no matter how difficult or unpalatable they are.
At the begining of every part of every scene he reminds me of how I can opt out or have him step down a gear.

Its only once you are with a Dom who cares that you realise what was wrong before.

Its not Dom experience that counts but care and communication.

As with vanilla life 'you have to kiss alot of frogs etc'

It can be a hard journey getting there, but its worth it.

 

[SueJ]

A Dom should definitively be aware if a sub is afraid or unhappy with something. A good Dom will keep that in mind and may alter his plans some (go slower, offer more verbal encouragement, etc). This is the key to a healthy relationship. I know it often seems contradictory to what comes naturally for a sub. ...........

Remember a Dom is only as good as the information he has

This is such an important post that I had to quote it just to see it again. It does contradict what comes naturally for a sub. Hopefully over time, most subs learn exactly how important this is, and communicate their physical/emotional/psychological "issues" to their Doms. Likewise, Doms who initially think subs should just 'shut up and do', with experience will hopefully also learn the role this plays in good judgement.

As a Master is faced with the responsibility of having to make desisions for the submissive, he must have all the information upon which to make those decisions. A submissive/slave, as the property of the Master, has an equal responsibility to give the Master that information, so that he may protect and use his property in an appropriate manner. A Master who is willing to listen cannot be blamed for misunderstandings, pain, nor damage caused by a submissive's unwillingness to provide him with adequate information.

 

[kerker_miester]

very good

Thank you all this is a very good thread. I have been thinking about this alot. I am glad to see that I am not alone in my thoughts and ways of dominating subs. I could not say it better so I wont try thank you all.

 

[Softouch911]

I could not say it better so I wont try thank you all.

 

[canadiancutie]

New subs are like lemmings sometimes

lemmings don't actually follow eachother off of cliffs, disney prompted it by throwing things off of the cliffs so they would jump because they ran out of information to use on lemmings while making their informational video thing. sorry about that, please continue.

 

[Cherrysweetdeal]

New subs are like lemmings sometimes,

I'd prefer not to be a lemming and follow the crowd...sheep beeeh. sorry term i used in highschool.

Personally out of my own experience i started with an online relationship learning what piqued(no clue if its a word) my interest and what I would like to start. That itself was hard enough but taking my mothers advice about life I read as much as I could before going to deep into anything.

Although certainly my own experiences have kicked me in the ass to get me to go farther reading and asking questions is how I've gotten through as a sub. Partially my one boyfriend with spanking and bondage and exhibitionism. Sometimes the easiest way to do it is to just talk to someone who is part of the lifestyle already and read all that you can.

Honesty is one of the most important parts of my relationships and the sublists that I have found on castlerealm has gotten me interested and reading about other things. If I did not know a term I looked it up and before anything else I read about safety and I just went along with what my own ideas about relationships should be partially. Not that I am saying my ideals are perfect but the way a person should be treated is one of the things I try to do myself. Treating a person with respect and not going to fast or slow just pushing a limit inch by inch.

It's more fun to push limits slowly and explore life in my opinion....sorry for the rant I have to much time on my hands.

cherry