questions on Polyamory

[PoeticMusings53]

one thing i am not sure i mentioned, one of the things that he truely wants is to just be in a monogomus relationship. he doesnt want to keep feeling that he wants to sleep outside the realtionship. he just wants to have a normal monogomus relationship. he just doesnt think he can right now and doesnt know how to.

In my opinion, he wants all the good things of the relationship - companionship, regular sex, no lonely weekends, intimacy, etc - without really willing to (yet alone wanting to) be monogamous, which is what you want. Very few women that I know would consider this a fair shake.

Do what you want, but I personally would consider moving on to find someone with whom you're more compatible because I don't see this changing.

 

[SweetErika]

yes people are respocible for how they feel but in some cases you dont know how you are really feeling for a while. when you start talking to people and you finally hear what you are saying and you realise how you are begianing to feel. feelings are much more complex then a simple switch between like and dislike, happy and sad. resentment and contentment are two diffrent things. sometime you may feel content and later realise that you had begun to feel resentment because of having to become content. if that makes any sence.

I don't think anyone has said or suggested different (that feelings aren't complex, can be switched off/on, it's easy to distinguish what we're feeling at any given time, etc.), Jen.

i know the situation is not polyamorus. i understand that. i just didnt know how elce to put it.

People define polyamory all sorts of ways. I think you did a fine job describing the situation and a lot of people would classify it under the general umbrella of polyamory. If nothing else, what we're talking about here falls under open relationships.

Have you two read The Ethical Slut yet? If not, I'd strongly suggest checking it out, as it may shed some light on your situation and give you two a common background and vocabulary that you can use to communicate more effectively. And even if you have read it before, reading it again might be beneficial.

he is intrested in putting his version down, but i dont think he'll the the time to get around to do it.

You mean he's interested in sharing here? If so, that seems like it could be helpful to us and both of you. Writing can be an excellent way to communicate and it's not often we get to hear multiple viewpoints from those involved, so I hope he makes the time to share.

Hopefully he'll make working on this issue a priority to the point that he'll happily use some of his free time or otherwise find time to do whatever might help you two work it out. Successful relationships--and particularly successful open ones--require prioritization, logistical management and a time commitment.

one thing i am not sure i mentioned, one of the things that he truely wants is to just be in a monogomus relationship. he doesnt want to keep feeling that he wants to sleep outside the realtionship. he just wants to have a normal monogomus relationship. he just doesnt think he can right now and doesnt know how to.

Why doesn't he think he's able or knows how to be monogamous? Does he think he might have a sex addiction or something else that seriously impedes his ability to keep his cock in his pants? (Although even addicts have the ability to recover; it takes time, a lot of hard work, and often a combo of therapy and medication, but many people do it.)

I guess I wonder how much he really wants monogamy if he's not open to the possibility that it IS possible and he CAN have it. If he does choose to participate in this discussion, it'd be interesting to hear more on this aspect from him.

i never ask anyone to lie. but the question i did ask was if anyone had been in my situation before and what they did. that is the only thing i have not heard and the one thing i ask to hear.

It's not realistic to expect responses from people who have been in your specific situation because no one has your particular background or current relationship besides you.

What is realistic is to get information from people who have experience with similar issues and take what you can from those responses with a very open mind. Please understand that I'm not criticizing you in any way, but I get the impression that you're putting a lot of effort into defending and trying to clarify, rather than being open and figuring out how you can gain from the responses you're getting.

I hope that impression is wrong, but if there's some truth in it, take a step back and reapproach this thread with the idea that people are trying to share their experiences and be helpful based on the info they have, and see how what they're saying does relate to your situation. Even the stuff that you don't like to hear probably has some truth in it, you know? So, if you're willing to concede that and use the yucky-sounding stuff to communicate and work with your partner, you'll likely get much farther than you will if you're focusing on defending/countering those things and viewing them as not applicable/helpful to your situation.