questions on Polyamory

[jenanonie]

ok so my boy friend and i have been dating for little over a year now but one of our reacurring problems is that he wants us to have an open relationship and im not as intrested in it.

to explain both of our sides:

before i met him he had been around the block more times then he could count. he has been very lucky to not get anything from his lifestyle. hes been in closed and open relationships but non lasting longer then 8 months tops. so for us to be over a year its a big deal. the thing is he wants to stay with me but he feels as though he is missing out, that he should be out having fun. one night stands are one of the things that really turns him on. also he doesnt want to tie me down he wants me to go and explore.

before i had me him i had never been in a serious relationship before and i was still a virgin. so i understand him wanting me to go out and explore, he feels that its just part of life.

we have already broken up over this matter once but it didnt make either one of us happy. he became depressed and didnt even want to go out for a one night stand or anything, he ended up flirting with me and trying to get me back. we did end up back together and we tried the open relationship. i wasnt fully comfortable but i thought i would try it out for him. but still i am not fully comfortable with it. we are back in a closed relationship but i dont want to keep hurting him like this.

i understand that i am not comfortable with it cause i dont understand the diffrence of sleeping with someone you care about and something just for fun. i am also not too comfortable sleeping with someone outside the relationship.

i was just wondering if anyone elce had been confrounted with this situation before? what did you do?

 

[SweetErika]

Generally, it sounds like you have a monogamous orientation, he has a poly orientation and you two are at an impasse.

Personally, I think orientations can change over time, but most people tend to keep revisiting the side of the spectrum they are most comfortable with/suited for. If you take that view, you may never be comfortable with poly no matter how much you try, and he may never be fully happy in a monogamous relationship, no matter how much he loves someone or tries.

If you're openminded and have given the other side your best shot, what can you do, other than staying open enough to allow yourself to change and revisit the issue in the future? Similarly, there's nothing he can do besides being open to monogamy in the future.

I'm very curious about this:

we are back in a closed relationship but i dont want to keep hurting him like this.

Why do you think you are hurting him? If he was hurt or miserable, why wouldn't he just end the relationship? Does he tell you he's hurting, or are you just assuming that's the case? Is he trying to convince you to open the relationship, even though you've already tried it and agreed to monogamy?

Also, how old are both of you?

And do you both discount the likelihood that you can find partners who have the same goals/philosophies in regard to monogamy on relationships? Have you considered taking some time apart (say, 6 months or a year) to see who else is out there, then reevaluating how good of a match you are for each other at the end of that period?

 

[jenanonie]

Why do you think you are hurting him? If he was hurt or miserable, why wouldn't he just end the relationship? Does he tell you he's hurting, or are you just assuming that's the case? Is he trying to convince you to open the relationship, even though you've already tried it and agreed to monogamy?

Also, how old are both of you?

And do you both discount the likelihood that you can find partners who have the same goals/philosophies in regard to monogamy on relationships? Have you considered taking some time apart (say, 6 months or a year) to see who else is out there, then reevaluating how good of a match you are for each other at the end of that period?

he has told me that he'll just deal with the situation in hopes that either he will change or that i will become used to the idea. he says that he is begianing to resent me for it and it hurt him to be angry at me and he doesnt want to feel that way.

see when we were open he was with one girl and there was a bit of an accident. it was taken care of but only because of a miscarage and not because the girl had chose to.

he is 21 and i am 19.

i have brought it up to him but he refuses to take time off again. the first time we took a break and it hurt him too much. i am not too kean on the idea but i want this to work and if that would help i would be for it. he does not want to go through that again. he said he would rather wait for one of us to change then to take another break.

 

[Valleyl81]

*****

 

[alaskabibear]

I don't think I'm going to be quite a "kind" as Sweet Erika on this one.

First, I'm not sure a "poly-amorous" relationship is what you have OR what he wants. I don't want to get tied up in definitions, but in my understanding a poly relationship is one where all parties in the relationship are committed to one another (read; love/care for one another). Your bf on the other hand is into "one night stands" (read; a swinger or a player or maybe one addicted to sexual conquest for whatever reason).

Second, he hasn't caught an STD yet, but are you willing to take a chance on your health in order for him to "play". I wouldn't, but that's something you'll have to decide for yourself. But, playing the field no doubt means that he (and then you) are at greater risk of eventually coming down with some life changing "nasty".

Third, he's been in more relationships than he can count...and you're the longest! I question that anyone with such a track record is going to offer you the long term love, respect and stability than you seem to desire.

Bottom Line; Run while you still can!......Get while the getting is good!.... Decide now if you really want to offer yourself on a silver platter to this guy until he gets bored with you too and dumps you for his next conquest.... Try to picture your best life and be honest; does he really fit into the picture? It's your life, only you can control it's course.....

 

[jenanonie]

he was using a condom but it broke. it was entiely an acident. both he and i are tested regularly. i love the boy, it broke my heart when we split up for a while. the whole situation that he had when we were in an open relationship was an acident, but it did make me more weary of the whole thing.

 

[jenanonie]

I don't think I'm going to be quite a "kind" as Sweet Erika on this one.

First, I'm not sure a "poly-amorous" relationship is what you have OR what he wants. I don't want to get tied up in definitions, but in my understanding a poly relationship is one where all parties in the relationship are committed to one another (read; love/care for one another). Your bf on the other hand is into "one night stands" (read; a swinger or a player or maybe one addicted to sexual conquest for whatever reason).

Second, he hasn't caught an STD yet, but are you willing to take a chance on your health in order for him to "play". I wouldn't, but that's something you'll have to decide for yourself. But, playing the field no doubt means that he (and then you) are at greater risk of eventually coming down with some life changing "nasty".

Third, he's been in more relationships than he can count...and you're the longest! I question that anyone with such a track record is going to offer you the long term love, respect and stability than you seem to desire.

first its not really polyamorus just more open. he is not intresed in having more then one stedy relationship.

second that is one reason why i am worried. one reason as to why i am not interested in an open relationship.

third no he has slept with more people then he can count. as for relationships he has had about 8 steady relationships. most of which he is the one who ended them.

i know i seem rediculious but i love this boy. i dont want to lose him. but i aslo know that if we dont come to a consensus we wont make it.

 

[Eilan]

I'm not opposed to poly relationships for people who can handle them, but this guy sounds like a man-whore who wants the "safety net" of having you to fall back on.

Sounds to me like no matter what happens, there's huge potential for one of you to resent the other.

I don't have anything constructive to add beyond what already been said, but I hope you're able to make the decision that's best for you.

 

[SweetErika]

he has told me that he'll just deal with the situation in hopes that either he will change or that i will become used to the idea. he says that he is begianing to resent me for it and it hurt him to be angry at me and he doesnt want to feel that way.

So, neither of you can live without a relationship that's based on hoping the other person will change *someday* and anger and resentment?

I'm sorry, Jen, but what kind of a relationship and life is that? Why do you want to put so much time and energy into something that has such a high chance of making you both miserable and not working?

I'm all for trying to compromise and work it out, but this is sounding more and more like a losing proposition for you. You have this guy who insists he can't live without you but also can't live with you, without wanting to change who you are, being angry and resentful at that person. It sounds an awful lot like he's got a screw or three loose and/or he's trying to manipulate you into the person he wants you to be. The question is, why do YOU want all of this heartache, anger and drama in YOUR life?

see when we were open he was with one girl and there was a bit of an accident. it was taken care of but only because of a miscarage and not because the girl had chose to. [...]
he was using a condom but it broke. it was entiely an acident. both he and i are tested regularly. i love the boy, it broke my heart when we split up for a while. the whole situation that he had when we were in an open relationship was an acident, but it did make me more weary of the whole thing.

Condoms don't break when they're used properly and conscientiously. But let's put that aside and accept the fact that accidents and mistakes happen.

Does he talk to his partners about birth control, their views on pregnancy, and STIs? Why was he having sex with only one method of birth control?

If you did open the relationship in the future, have you two made rules in an effort to keep you safe? Would you be okay with him parenting another woman's child for the rest of that kid's life, having to make a lot of sacrifices so he can support his child(ren) by other women? Would you use condoms with him every time and be okay with him giving you STIs (condoms don't protect against everything, men aren't tested for HPV, and some STIs don't show up right away)? Only you have the answers to those questions, but they're going to be things you'd want to think and talk about extensively, particularly since he's already had one "accident."

i have brought it up to him but he refuses to take time off again. the first time we took a break and it hurt him too much. i am not too kean on the idea but i want this to work and if that would help i would be for it. he does not want to go through that again. he said he would rather wait for one of us to change then to take another break.

He's not the only one making decisions about the relationship. You can decide to take a break or end it entirely. It's his responsibility to take care of himself; you can't stay unhappily because you're afraid he'll get depressed or whatever again.

Have you asked him what happens if neither of you ever change? How long is he willing to wait to see if there's a change? Does he truly see himself being happy with monogamy? Could you two agree on a time period to work on it to see if there's a change (and if there's not, you can go your separate ways at that point)?

I don't think I'm going to be quite a "kind" as Sweet Erika on this one.

First, I'm not sure a "poly-amorous" relationship is what you have OR what he wants. I don't want to get tied up in definitions, but in my understanding a poly relationship is one where all parties in the relationship are committed to one another (read; love/care for one another). Your bf on the other hand is into "one night stands" (read; a swinger or a player or maybe one addicted to sexual conquest for whatever reason).

Second, he hasn't caught an STD yet, but are you willing to take a chance on your health in order for him to "play". I wouldn't, but that's something you'll have to decide for yourself. But, playing the field no doubt means that he (and then you) are at greater risk of eventually coming down with some life changing "nasty".

Third, he's been in more relationships than he can count...and you're the longest! I question that anyone with such a track record is going to offer you the long term love, respect and stability than you seem to desire.

Bottom Line; Run while you still can!......Get while the getting is good!.... Decide now if you really want to offer yourself on a silver platter to this guy until he gets bored with you too and dumps you for his next conquest.... Try to picture your best life and be honest; does he really fit into the picture? It's your life, only you can control it's course.....

This may be blunt, but it's spot-on.

 

[alaskabibear]

first its not really polyamorus just more open. he is not intresed in having more then one stedy relationship.

second that is one reason why i am worried. one reason as to why i am not interested in an open relationship.

third no he has slept with more people then he can count. as for relationships he has had about 8 steady relationships. most of which he is the one who ended them.

i know i seem rediculious but i love this boy. i dont want to lose him. but i aslo know that if we dont come to a consensus we wont make it.

All I can say is that the handwriting is on the wall. I'm much older than you, but I can recall the obsession and infatuation of that "first love". I can assure you that there are many people in this world that you can love. There is no such thing as "the one and only true love".

From the tone of you posts I would think that you have lived a very sheltered life and have not really seen the possibilities the world has to offer. It's impossible for me to broaden your world view on a web forum, but I will just come out and say; you are destined to a sad miserable life with this loser boy.

One thing I do know, you cannot change another person to suit your ideal of how they should be. If you decide to stick with this guy, he has given you fair warning of what type of life you will have with him. What that translates to is this; You will not come to the consensus you mentioned....therefore, you will not make it...as you said above.

No one forces you to do anything in this life, it's always your choice; Thus, you can choose to be his plaything for awhile longer...or begin to position yourself in life such that you find the type of person/relationship that your own heart tells you that you need. In short, you don't need our advice...just listen to your own words, your own concerns and your own inner voice...and be strong enough to act on what you know is right for you. Best of luck

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I'm not opposed to poly relationships for people who can handle them, but this guy sounds like a man-whore who wants the "safety net" of having you to fall back on.

Sounds to me like no matter what happens, there's huge potential for one of you to resent the other.

I don't have anything constructive to add beyond what already been said, but I hope you're able to make the decision that's best for you.

Ok. I know you've had a few blunt responses jenanonie but I promise you I am saying the following with love, best wishes and the hard won knowledge of (nearly) 30 years on planet Earth.

Firstly, you went into this relationship expecting it to be a nice, normal, monogamous one. Now your guy has itchy feet he is trying to manipulate you into letting him have his cake and eat it. This is a very selfish thing to do and it makes me wonder why you still love him so much. He says he is beginning to resenting your aversion to an open relationship but nowhere in your posts do you express resentment for being pushed into promiscuity. You have every right to resent the hell out of him for this but you clearly don't and that tells me that you have lost perspective here. 99% of women in your position would be angry, hurt and walking away. Your determination to stay in this relationship, force yourself into doing what he wants and keep him at all costs, even if you have to share him regularly; all these things tell me that you are infatuated with him to an unhealthy degree.

First love is obsessive and all consuming. I know this from experience. You have never felt that way before and you feel you would do anything to make things work. Those are admirable sentiments but sadly, your man does not share them. He is not prepared to drop this idea because he loves you so much that he wants to work things out at all costs. He is exploiting your love for him by continuing to push this issue when it's clearly not what you want. You are unfortunately in serious danger of being used and hurt. I know this is the last thing you want to hear but please consider what I'm saying carefully before you compromise who you are and what you want from a relationship. In the long term, it will leave you feeling used, gullible and broken hearted. He is not the only man on planet Earth who is capable of making you truly happy.

It is clear you want a one woman man who will love only you. I don't know whether you have self esteem issues that are contributing to your desperate need to please but you deserve a man who will treat you as the most precious thing in his life and never seek to share you with other people or play the field himself. You are young and you have options. Look towards the bigger picture and don't compromise your dreams.

People who open up relationships successfully do it because they are rock solid as a couple and want to add to their experiences together. Opening a relationship when it is in difficulty is one of the worst things you can do. Successful poly couples seek other partners in a safe and controlled way, hooking up with people who are intelligent and mature enough to have regret free, sober, protected sex without strings. Having multiple one night stands on impulse and busting condoms in random women is about as high risk as it gets. This guy is not giving any thought to protecting you from STDs and other repercussions. If he is picking women up while drunk then there is even more risk and he clearly thinks all these risks are worth sticking his cock in a stranger. He is only considering his own wants and treating your valid reservations as unimportant and even unreasonable. This is supremely selfish and arrogant of him and I hope you can see that.

If your best friend was in your position, what advice would you have for her?

Please, please don't let him get away with treating you like dirt because that is what will happen if you don't put your foot down or better still, run like the fucking wind.

I wish I could be more positive, I really do. It just seems to me that you're setting yourself up for having your love for this guy stomped all over.

 

[kskittles]

"he became depressed and didnt even want to go out for a one night stand or anything, he ended up flirting with me and trying to get me back. we did end up back together and we tried the open relationship. "



We did end up back together? You state is as if it somehow magically happened. YOU decide to be with him KNOWING his preference. Don't complain about it. Accept who he is and how he is or MOVE ON.

 

[akuyim]

Honestly, you are still young enough to move on. He is really no good for you. You have plenty of time to find Mr. Right, that one man who will treat you like you do deserve.

 

[infinity706]

Well, I'm certainly not against open relationships. I've had over 40 partners myself and I'm only 23.

I can say, though, that this doesn't sound like a good situation you're in. First, I've never broken a condom and I've probably done wilder things than he's even thought of. The only person I know of that has is one female friend, but her husband has a pornstar sized cock (I know because I've seen it) and they upgraded to Magnum sized condoms to correct the problem. Second, this really should have been worked out before this relationship got anywhere near this serious. That can't really be fixed now, though. Seriously, this needs to be worked out before this relationship goes any further. Whatever you do, don't decide to get engaged, have a kid, etc. until this gets resolved.

As for the open relationship thing, swinging, fuck buddies, even one night stands can be a lot of fun as long as they're done properly. It sounds like you're strongly against the idea, though, while it's very important to him. Maybe the best thing to do would be to just go find other people. There are plenty of people out there for both of you, so it's probably best that you not make each other miserable over this. You should also have something to be looking for when you think about getting involved with someone else in the future.

 

[jenanonie]

ok first i did not say "we did end up back together" as though it was something magical. at the time sure i was a little confused as to what had happend. i didnt expect that we would end up back together. we were going to try and just be friends. for a little while after we got back together i wasnt sure if i was making the right decission. but i dont think that anymore.

second i know i am still young enough to move on and i know there are other fish in the sea. right now though i am not yet willing to give up this fight.

third with all of you telling me that i dont need this that i deserve a man that will treat me better, its not something i dont hear already. he even admits to it. he says that he doesnt want to put me through this, that he hates asking and that he wish he could be diffrent and not ask.

forth this is not what eaither of us expected. hell he didnt know he would reach a year. neither one of us knew what to expect so we didnt know that this would become a situation.

fifth first love. hes not my first love. hell that relationship was more emotionally and psychologically abusive then this. i remember the obsessiveness of that relationship and i know and understand the diffrence of both of them. i can surive without him, i would just rather not.

he is sweet, he does care, he does love me. he makes sure that i am ok if he hears a wimper (its usually me being a klutz and accidently hurting myself). he hates to see me upset and tries to do anything he can to change it. he is the classic prince charming that any little girl dreams of. the only diffrence is he is the realistic prince charming. but i love his imperfections. hell i even want to do this. i trust him. i care for him. i dont want to marry the only guy i have ever slept with. but i dont know the diffrence. i dont understand the diffrence between sex and making love. i know that for me to figure that out i have to go and find out, step outside my comfort zone. but i dont know if the few things that i am uncomfortable with will keep me from saying its ok. i just dont want to lose him. or at the very least have one of us end up resenting the other. we both feel that neither one of us could live with out the other in our life in one way or another.

 

[infinity706]

Well, that's certainly an admirable effort even if it doesn't work. So, what, exactly, are the "few things you're uncomfortable with?"

 

[alaskabibear]

... i can surive without him, i would just rather not.... but i love his imperfections. hell i even want to do this. i trust him. i care for him... we both feel that neither one of us could live with out the other in our life in one way or another.

I've just included the "bones" of your comment above for clarity and it sounds like you have come to your answer. Sometimes just knocking ideas around with others helps to solidify our own thoughts. I'm sure we all wish you the very best in this relationship.

 

[simplegirl]

""he says that he is begianing to resent me for it and it hurt him to be angry at me and he doesnt want to feel that way.""

He is responsible for how he feels. The question is, why is he choosing resentment instead of contentment?

 

[Sensualist2]

Not Polyamoory

Polyamory is a love relationship between more than two individuals on a mostly equal basis. That's not what you have and you are going to have to face it. I hope you face it sooner rather than later. I go totally with Velvet Darkness, in terms of advice.

But I'd add that you have a huge exciting life ahead of you especially if you protect your physical health. The brutal truth seems to be that this guy is likely to end the relationship with you, regardless of your desires. Having an "open relationship" doesn't seem to be what he wants. Of course we don't have his version of the situation, which would be interesting to get.

What he appears to want is you always ready and willing in his bed for the times he doesn't have something on the side. That's not a good situation. Without knowing anything at all about you except what's here in this thread, I can about guarantee that you deserve a much better situation, and you have the time and the ability to find it, and much more besides.

 

[emap]

I'm left with a question actually. How long after you broke up with your first love did you get with him?

I'm also going to point out something, at one time I was rather in his shoes, I slept around, I had many lovers, I had boyfriends as well but I kept letting his friends screw me. I had many one nighters, because i was trying to find the guy who could satisfy my desires in bed and none did it as well as I wanted until I met the one I'm with now. So of course your thinking what does her experience have to do with my boyfriend, actually most likely everything.

See he is resentful of you not letting him play the field, I got the same way, at least half of the reason I would go to bed with his friends was because he was not working me the right way in bed, I make excuses about how his friends said he told them to do me, but it all boiled down to I was not happy sexually. I was always looking for the next screw, the next one nighter I had alot. Most of my relationships didn't last that long either.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm left with a question actually. How long after you broke up with your first love did you get with him?

I'm also going to point out something, at one time I was rather in his shoes, I slept around, I had many lovers, I had boyfriends as well but I kept letting his friends screw me. I had many one nighters, because i was trying to find the guy who could satisfy my desires in bed and none did it as well as I wanted until I met the one I'm with now. So of course your thinking what does her experience have to do with my boyfriend, actually most likely everything.

See he is resentful of you not letting him play the field, I got the same way, at least half of the reason I would go to bed with his friends was because he was not working me the right way in bed, I make excuses about how his friends said he told them to do me, but it all boiled down to I was not happy sexually. I was always looking for the next screw, the next one nighter I had alot. Most of my relationships didn't last that long either.

I think 's/he isn't satisfying me sexually' is just another excuse, really. While it might be one factor in cheating and promiscuity, it really boils down to the person choosing to make excuses for their desires and behavior over choosing to figure out what's wrong/missing internally, communicate with their partner and/or end the relationship. It's a lot easier to make excuses than work hard on ourselves and our relationships.

Whether the guy in question is satisfied with his sex life with the OP or not is irrelevant. If he has a problem, he needs to deal with it like an adult, rather than make excuses and try to manipulate his partner.

 

[kskittles]

I'm just not able to understand an undesirable behavior + still loving and wanting to be with him. If a guy is doing something major (like this) that I don't like, it needs to change or its over. Yes, you miss their qualities, but the big issue that is unpleansant is part of who he is and will likely always be. Complaining about it or expecting it to change is just silly. Accept OR move on.

 

[a1eyeblind1]

he has told me that he'll just deal with the situation in hopes that either he will change or that i will become used to the idea. he says that he is begianing to resent me for it and it hurt him to be angry at me and he doesnt want to feel that way.

see when we were open he was with one girl and there was a bit of an accident. it was taken care of but only because of a miscarage and not because the girl had chose to.

he is 21 and i am 19.

i have brought it up to him but he refuses to take time off again. the first time we took a break and it hurt him too much. i am not too kean on the idea but i want this to work and if that would help i would be for it. he does not want to go through that again. he said he would rather wait for one of us to change then to take another break.

you are being played, like a cheap violin!

 

[satindesire]

I'm going to be really mean and bitchy here.

ok first i did not say "we did end up back together" as though it was something magical. at the time sure i was a little confused as to what had happend. i didnt expect that we would end up back together. we were going to try and just be friends. for a little while after we got back together i wasnt sure if i was making the right decission. but i dont think that anymore.

second i know i am still young enough to move on and i know there are other fish in the sea. right now though i am not yet willing to give up this fight.

third with all of you telling me that i dont need this that i deserve a man that will treat me better, its not something i dont hear already. he even admits to it. he says that he doesnt want to put me through this, that he hates asking and that he wish he could be diffrent and not ask.

forth this is not what eaither of us expected. hell he didnt know he would reach a year. neither one of us knew what to expect so we didnt know that this would become a situation.

fifth first love. hes not my first love. hell that relationship was more emotionally and psychologically abusive then this. i remember the obsessiveness of that relationship and i know and understand the diffrence of both of them. i can surive without him, i would just rather not.

he is sweet, he does care, he does love me. he makes sure that i am ok if he hears a wimper (its usually me being a klutz and accidently hurting myself). he hates to see me upset and tries to do anything he can to change it. he is the classic prince charming that any little girl dreams of. the only diffrence is he is the realistic prince charming. but i love his imperfections. hell i even want to do this. i trust him. i care for him. i dont want to marry the only guy i have ever slept with. but i dont know the diffrence. i dont understand the diffrence between sex and making love. i know that for me to figure that out i have to go and find out, step outside my comfort zone. but i dont know if the few things that i am uncomfortable with will keep me from saying its ok. i just dont want to lose him. or at the very least have one of us end up resenting the other. we both feel that neither one of us could live with out the other in our life in one way or another.

What I don't understand is where all this defensiveness comes from. What on earth did you expect to hear when you come to us with this sort of crap situation??!

"We can clearly see he doesn't care about you, no matter what you think, but go ahead and stick with him because love conquers all!!"

No. We don't bullshit or sugar coat when it comes to emotional and mental safety and health on this website. We aren't going to lie to you to comfort you either. If you don't like the truth, then leave this thread and don't come back to it, and don't you dare expect us to swallow you making excuses for his shitty behavior. We are telling you to leave his sorry ass because we care enough about you to tell you the damn truth, whether you want to hear it or not.

If you want someone to agree with you, then look elsewhere. But you came here asking for honesty and you got it. Drop the defensiveness, sugar, 'cause it makes YOU look like a half-blind lovesick twit...and YOU AREN'T. You're an intelligent, worthwhile young lady who deserves the whole world, not some braindead jerk who thinks with his dick.

He is not mongamous. He is irresponsible and careless with his sex. He expects you to accept the way he is, and pouts like a child when you can't accept it. He will either get another girl pregnant, catch something and bring it home to you (Potentially fatal...that'd be a joy, wouldn't it?! AIDS or Hepatitis to suffer with for a few years before you DIE?!). NO ONE can change a person. NO ONE. He is who he is and that's who he will be unless he decides that he doesn't want to act like that. No amount of love or patience from you will change how he is hardwired. Nor can he change you, no matter what he does.

This is not a good relationship, and you know it. You know you should leave. If you don't, you are as directly responsible for your sadness and confusion as he is.

 

[jenanonie]

yes people are respocible for how they feel but in some cases you dont know how you are really feeling for a while. when you start talking to people and you finally hear what you are saying and you realise how you are begianing to feel. feelings are much more complex then a simple switch between like and dislike, happy and sad. resentment and contentment are two diffrent things. sometime you may feel content and later realise that you had begun to feel resentment because of having to become content. if that makes any sence.

i know the situation is not polyamorus. i understand that. i just didnt know how elce to put it. he is intrested in putting his version down, but i dont think he'll the the time to get around to do it.

my first love. the actual relationship was not long. it was mostly the following next four years which had the major impact. not nessarally together or apart. rather confusing.

one thing i am not sure i mentioned, one of the things that he truely wants is to just be in a monogomus relationship. he doesnt want to keep feeling that he wants to sleep outside the realtionship. he just wants to have a normal monogomus relationship. he just doesnt think he can right now and doesnt know how to.

its not as though im the only one trying to keep this together. he doesnt want this to tear us apart. we are both working on this together. we love eachother and really want to make this work.

i never ask anyone to lie. but the question i did ask was if anyone had been in my situation before and what they did. that is the only thing i have not heard and the one thing i ask to hear.