Questionable relationship advice

[cumallday]

Never mention his/her mother in the middle of an argument.

Nor in the middle of sex.

 

[Trombonus]

If you can't say anything right, then don't say anything at all...

Which basically means don't say anything at all.

 

[DerelictionOfSanity]

Unless you work together seamlessly, take turns cooking (don't get in each-other's way in the kitchen)

And to quote Rita Rudner: "Make sure that at least one of you can kill a spider."

 

[elsol]

ElSol's Relationship Advice that might not work for you.

1. Always answer the fat question truthfully.

Reasoning: You've been ambushed... you're dead... call artillery down on your position and take her big, fat ass with you.

2. Never fight.

Reasoning: If something isn't worth breaking up over, it's not worth fighting about, is it? You simply negotiate to a satisfactory conclusion. If something is worth breaking up over, then it's too serious an issue to fight about... sit down with all the cards on the table and if the decision is to walk away from the relationship, you shouldn't do so with bad words between you.

3. Have as little to do with her family as possible.
3a. Never side with her family.

Reasoning: If you don't know, count yourself lucky.

4. Her sister is not female... she is an alien lifeform that is a third sex, girlfriend's sister.

5. Three to one orgasm ratio her to you.

Reasoning: Multiple orgasms make male bullshit cute, even sexy. I don't know why, I don't care why... I just know it works.

6. Do not forget major holidays.

Reasoning: Come on! This is stupid bullshit! Don't tell me you love her and you can't remember to buy her flowers on Valentine's Day... I don't care if she says "I don't like V-day... it's a silly holiday." Major holidays are God's gift to you, earn the fuck-up points.

7. Give her every opportunity to rub your wonderfulness in the faces of her females relatives, friends, and acquaintances.

Reasoning: It's a female competition thing. Like dunking on someone... just pass her the ball and let her go to town.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Anyone involved with a woman should really listen to Elsol, here. This is, truly, excellent advice, right on the mark.

Never never listen to her when she says she doesn't want gifts!

 

[cumallday]

When she stands leaning against the doorway with her arms crossed and her lips pursed - think, and think fast, you've got some explaining to do.

 

[rgraham666]

When she stands leaning against the doorway with her arms crossed and her lips pursed - think, and think fast, you've got some explaining to do.

Personally, I preferr seppuku in such a situation. At least seppuku is quicker and less painful.

 

[impressive]

Anyone involved with a woman should really listen to Elsol, here. This is, truly, excellent advice, right on the mark.

I rather like #5

 

[Dar~]

If you are separated and you have a bad day and the first person you think of to comfort you or that you want to turn to is the person you are separated from, re think leaving.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I rather like #5

Fuck yeah!

Guys would ask my girlfriend; "Why don't you like men?"

She'd say; "Because I like my orgasms..."

And then we'd switch

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

I'm confused, because I read the thread as an invitation to give bad advice, and I got some:

Don't worry about all those irritating or destructive traits and shortcomings before you married - you can change him/her afterwards.





Edited: OK, now I get what Angela was asking. My advice is still bad, for me or anyone.

 

[angela146]

I'm confused, because I read the thread as an invitation to give bad advice, and I got some:

Edited: OK, now I get what Angela was asking. My advice is still bad, for me or anyone.

Yeah, this was intended to be "it's wierd, it works for me, but kids, don't try this at home."

I have to laugh when people ask me how my husband and I do it (keep our marriage together). I can almost never give them the real answers.

But since I am anonymous here, I'll share some things...

 

[angela146]

Please note that my advice is written from the female side of a hetero relationship. However, I suspect that this will be equally inadvisable for same-sex couples and for men in hetero relationships.

Item 2:

Let him fuck other women occasionally. Encourage him to fuck other women occasionally. Tell him which other women are OK to fuck and which ones are off limits. (He'll live with it. After all, you're letting him fuck other women).

And make sure to practise safe sex.

Make sure he shares all of the details with you - every last drop of pleasure he had of her. Use the jealousy that it inspires in you to energize your relationship.

Then, do whatever she did and do it better. Make sure you are a better lay than she could ever hope to be.

Let it be a reminder that no matter how good it is with anyone else, it will always be better with you.

 

[joeys-game]

Sure go ahead, sleep with him/her as long as your SO doesn't find out, no harm in it, it will strengthen your relationship.

 

[angela146]

Item 3:

Find ways of hurting each other that you can each deal with. If possible, find ways that have an erotic spin to them. When you get into a big emotional fight, keep just enough control over yourselves so that you hurt each other in the prescribed ways.

Then, let 'er rip. Do your worst. Let him/her have it with both barrels. (Insert other silly metaphors here).

When he hurts you in one of the ways you have given him, savor it. Remind yourself that he's in control of his anger. You are safe. He isn't going to beat you up (unless that's what you're into).

Controlled anger from a man can be very sexy. On the other side, men like to feel useful. They don't mind being used as an emotional punching bag if it will make you feel better.

 

[cumallday]

Personally, I preferr seppuku in such a situation. At least seppuku is quicker and less painful.

This is especially true at certain times of the month - you know what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, seppuku would leave a horrible mess on the carpet so it would probably be a good idea to keep a large coaster at the ready. Btw, I had to google 'seppuku'. You learn something knew everyday - thanks.

The two best pieces of advice I can think of:
1) If you feel a "disagreement" coming on remember, she's always right no matter what; at least for now. Just because she wins the battle doesn't mean she's won the war. I use the word disagreement here because only couples who don't watch Oprah "argue".
2) Allow her to dress you. Not only will you look good to her, but you'll look good to other women as well.

The two worst:
1) Your drinking buddies know everything there is to know about keeping the lady of the house happy. Listen to them even though collectively they count for over five divorces and counting.
2) When she asks you to help her out with the dishes, laundry, etc. it's not merely rhetorical and she truly is giving you the option of saying no.

 

[angela146]

Item 4:

When using your fingers or mouth to bring a woman to multiple orgasms, don't stop just because she's had enough.

"OK, that's enough!" is your cue to hold her arms/legs down and make her come several more times, until she screams that she can't take any more.

Then fuck her.