Question

[Millificent]

Assuming your partner is Dominate and you are submissive. Assume you're married. Do you think this makes the D/s relationship harder or easier? Why?

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[midwestyankee]

I'm at a complete loss to understand how the variable of marriage, in and of itself, would affect a D/s relationship. I'd need to know a whole lot more about what Millificent (nice name, btw) means by "marriage" and what aspects of marriage might be perceived as having an impact on the D/s nature of the relationship.

Information, we need information here before we can offer a worthwhile response.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I don't think that marriage should have much bearing on a D/s dynamic. I know Master plans to marry me in the future and when that happens I will be doing the biggest happy dance Lit has ever seen. Marriage would be a public declaration of our love and committment to each other but in private we are already there. Personally, Master has a contract of ownership that I wrote for him and that for us is as binding as a marriage vow.

I think you'll have to be more specific if we're to answer your question Millificent. Are you talking about your own relationship?

 

[Northwoods_Dom]

My current relationship is a marraige/ D/s. Honestly, our life was very vanilla until about 6 months ago when she came to me with her desires. I was very enthusiastic about the whole thing and try to learn something new all the time to keep it from becoming routine. That being said, I feel that the D/s portion of our life has actually made our relationship stronger, because it requires a higher level of communication.
In a nutshell....the D/s aspect has made our marraige stronger.

 

[twysted73]

I'm at a complete loss to understand how the variable of marriage, in and of itself, would affect a D/s relationship. I'd need to know a whole lot more about what Millificent (nice name, btw) means by "marriage" and what aspects of marriage might be perceived as having an impact on the D/s nature of the relationship.

Information, we need information here before we can offer a worthwhile response.

I thought the same when I read the intro. It reminded me of someone walking into a resturaunt and stating, "Hi, my name's Bill. I'm hungry. Guess what I want to eat."
I would have to agree. More information is needed to better answer the question. I'd love to take a crack at it but I feel at this point with what I know I'd not be as helpful as I can be.

 

[SweetErika]

Assuming your partner is Dominate and you are submissive. Assume you're married. Do you think this makes the D/s relationship harder or easier? Why?

I'm the domiNANT one, but I'm not sure what that has to do with the price of tea in China.

Married, check.

I'm not sure why being married would make the D/s dynamic more or less difficult than being unmarried, if that's what you mean. What I DO know is the fact that our relationship was so established, and we were so set in our (kinda vanilla) ways, before we recognized we wanted a more formal D/s dynamic that the transition to D/s has been far more difficult than if we'd started D/s early in our relationship. It's extremely easy for us both to slip into our old patterns, which presents some definite challenges.

In the same vein, we've noticed it can be difficult for him to get anything out of activities that rely on a certain amount of doubt/fear, e.g. knifeplay and some mindfucks. He knows and trusts me enough to be positive I'll always be super-careful and will never harm him. Even suggesting there's always an unknown factor, such as the knife slipping by accident, doesn't plant seeds of doubt in his mind enough to get his adrenaline going.

So, those are the drawbacks (of knowing each other well and being very established in the traditional sense, not of being married) we've noticed. There are a lot of benefits of being so comfortable with each other and having a very strong foundation to work from, too, though.

 

[Bandit58]

Master and I were already in a committed D/s relationship for almost 3 years before we married last December. He had over 10 years experience in the lifestyle before we met, and I was a very green novice sub.

The D/s has only enhanced our relationship. I don't see how marriage could be detrimental....if anything it has brought us closer.

 

[FungiUg]

Assuming your partner is Dominate and you are submissive. Assume you're married. Do you think this makes the D/s relationship harder or easier? Why?

Well, you wouldn't have to balance having both a husband and a dominant. So it would make the logistics easier, if nothing else.

 

[RawHumor]

This type of relationship confuses me, since wives, by definition, are never wrong... and they also never forget.

On the other hand, the dominant is supposed to be the one to correct his submissive... it just boggles my poor little brain.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

This type of relationship confuses me, since wives, by definition, are never wrong... and they also never forget.

On the other hand, the dominant is supposed to be the one to correct his submissive... it just boggles my poor little brain.

Raw, you do have a way with words. So, maybe sometimes they crack me up...well...always, but you are definitely one with your Raw-isms.

 

[FurryFury]

For me it would make it much easier. How I wish! Sure we'd have some difficulties as do all relationship but that is my dream scenario right now.

Of course should I ever be single again I don't plan to ever marry again. I didn't ever plan to marry at all. How come I've been married twice?

*grr*

*chuckle*

 

[FungiUg]

Of course should I ever be single again I don't plan to ever marry again. I didn't ever plan to marry at all. How come I've been married twice?

*sings* In the morning you go gunnin' for the man who stole your water...

 

[h_i_s]

Assuming your partner is Dominate and you are submissive. Assume you're married. Do you think this makes the D/s relationship harder or easier? Why?

I don't need to assume. He is... I am...
It makes it easier.
Besides, if not for the D/s part... we wouldn't BE married. D/s is the MAIN perk here... marriage is just a formality.. for legalities.. I value both but would choose the collar over the ring if I HAD to choose one over the other.

......We rarely argue [Yeah, and according to fairy tale versions of how slaves should behave, we are not supposed to even do this on rare occasion... . Back to reality.. we are human...we do. It's rare. We don't like to. We do everything to avoid doing so. And when we do, we pick our battles very carefully...... we don't disagree over the small stuff.].
.......And we both agreed when we signed up for this relationship... and decided the dynamics and agreed .. consented etc...... even if we do disagree, He gets the last word... He gets to decide .. He gets the final say etc ect.


It keeps the relationship simplified ... it MAKES it work.

 

[Toa_lin]

IMHO, it doens't have too much affect on teh dynamic really... It may increase trust a little bit, makign the sub (or even teh Dom) more open to ideas that used to be limits, simply becasue they knwo the other person will still be there afterward.

Just my two cents.

 

[FurryFury]

*sings* In the morning you go gunnin' for the man who stole your water...

I um, don't get it.

*pouts*

*considers pain relief for head that must not be working correctly*

 

[FungiUg]

I um, don't get it.

Look up "Do It Again" by Steely Dan.

 

[the captians wench]

I think more than the issue of marriage, it seems to me what comes up most as an issue is how long the relationship existed before d/s entered into the mix.

The strugle of learning a new dynamic, and how far to take that dynamic seems to be a greater issue for ones who have lived with no formal power exchange for extended periods. Sometimes the strugle is greater than others based from what I can tell on communication and how solid the foundation of the relationship is.

For instance

it has been my experience that a couple who have been in a d/s relationship for a number of years, and then decide to get married, will have less d/s related issues than one who have been married for a number of years and then decide to throw d/s into the mix.

but to be fair, the first couple is likely to have more marrital issues than the second when compaired side by side.

any new relationship is going to have struggles and issues as well as well established relationships also tend to have ups and downs. I don't think the ideal of marriage compounds this any more or less than the ideal of d/s.

 

[_kiana_]

I don't feel I can speak of generalities of D/s relationships and how marriage can effect it, but I know how it's gone in my marriage. Granted, there are lots of other issues contributing to the loss of the D/s that was once in my marriage.

My husband can't say 'no' to me in many situations anymore. I have to restrain myself of asking any questions that the answer may have been no a long time ago but doesn't come out as no now. He says that he loves me too much to ever want to punish me. I've never once been punished and have certainly done things to warrant it in the past. But he doesn't want to see me hurting emotionally (as physical punishment is seriously out of the question) and knowing he's caused it. That's all I can think of at the moment.

To be honest, I don't know for certain if it was the 'married' part that has caused any of those problems.

I have an acquaintance who got married last year. She's always making comments about how I'm in charge now, the wife leads, just hit him (my husband) and he'll change his answer, with hold sex so I can get what I want, etc. It pisses me off that she identifies as submissive to her husband, yet believes that wives are the power in a relationship and control everything. Bah.

 

[FungiUg]

she identifies as submissive to her husband, yet believes that wives are the power in a relationship

That whole "submissives are really the ones who hold all the power" idiocy thing again, maybe? (Thank you so much CSI for that particularly bit of psychological clap-trap.)

it has been my experience that a couple who have been in a d/s relationship for a number of years, and then decide to get married, will have less d/s related issues than one who have been married for a number of years and then decide to throw d/s into the mix.

That makes sense. It's the marriage part that's new, not the D/s part. So the issues are likely to be around that.

 

[_kiana_]

That whole "submissives are really the ones who hold all the power" idiocy thing again, maybe?

Umm..no. It's not that. It's more of a derogatory feeling toward husbands. That they simply can't survive with out their wife, are incompetent at certain things, need to be held in check and told what's right and wrong.

I have no idea how that girl does not implode from the amount of contradiction in her head.

 

[EmpressFi]

It just reminds me of something in our culture, at least where I was raised, women were to be submissive to their husbands, however they managed the household, they made the decisions as to the kids, the groceries, meal planning, the budget.. how many times did my dad, my uncles, my brothers just hand over their paychecks to their wives and were given an allowance..but to the world..they were the ones in charge.. how conflicting is that..no wonder when I got married and my husband said he wanted someone strong enough to speak her own mind yet wanted someone to make his dinner, clean his house, wash his clothes and wait on him hand and foot, I was more than a little confused.. thankfully, Malin isnt like that. He and I share.

We've been married for 8 years this Tuesday. We're both into D/s just not really with each other. We've recently (within the last couple years) become polyamorous and found partners that dominate us. I dont know that it changed our relationship other than that we talk more about the things that turn us on and off..

 

[Ishmael]

I don't need to assume. He is... I am...
It makes it easier.
Besides, if not for the D/s part... we wouldn't BE married. D/s is the MAIN perk here... marriage is just a formality.. for legalities.. I value both but would choose the collar over the ring if I HAD to choose one over the other.

......We rarely argue [Yeah, and according to fairy tale versions of how slaves should behave, we are not supposed to even do this on rare occasion... . Back to reality.. we are human...we do. It's rare. We don't like to. We do everything to avoid doing so. And when we do, we pick our battles very carefully...... we don't disagree over the small stuff.].
.......And we both agreed when we signed up for this relationship... and decided the dynamics and agreed .. consented etc...... even if we do disagree, He gets the last word... He gets to decide .. He gets the final say etc ect.


It keeps the relationship simplified ... it MAKES it work.

Precisely. A house divided cannot long stand. Regardless of the gender roles, one has to make the final decision. And live with the consequences.

Marriage is often compared to a partnership. It can be, but the long term survival of partnerships, even in the business world, is rare.

To discuss, and even argue, over decisions that have consequences concerning the long term well being of the 'business of marriage' is healthy. And I would have a hard time categorizing same as disobedience. More in the context of honest concern for mutual well being. But in the end, one must decide.

Ironically, or maybe not, even the successful vanilla relationships operate on this basic principle.

Ishmael

 

[Ishmael]

It just reminds me of something in our culture, at least where I was raised, women were to be submissive to their husbands, however they managed the household, they made the decisions as to the kids, the groceries, meal planning, the budget.. how many times did my dad, my uncles, my brothers just hand over their paychecks to their wives and were given an allowance..but to the world..they were the ones in charge.. how conflicting is that..no wonder when I got married and my husband said he wanted someone strong enough to speak her own mind yet wanted someone to make his dinner, clean his house, wash his clothes and wait on him hand and foot, I was more than a little confused.. thankfully, Malin isnt like that. He and I share.

We've been married for 8 years this Tuesday. We're both into D/s just not really with each other. We've recently (within the last couple years) become polyamorous and found partners that dominate us. I dont know that it changed our relationship other than that we talk more about the things that turn us on and off..

It's called a 'budget' and delegation of responsibility. It generally comes with restrictions and 'checks and balances'. Without those in place it is window dressing. And in some instances the woman was the dominant in the relationship. Marriage is as much a business as it is an emotional state. And the business part needs a boss. If the boss isn't paying attention, the business fails.

Ishmael

 

[EmpressFi]

It's called a 'budget' and delegation of responsibility. It generally comes with restrictions and 'checks and balances'. Without those in place it is window dressing. And in some instances the woman was the dominant in the relationship. Marriage is as much a business as it is an emotional state. And the business part needs a boss. If the boss isn't paying attention, the business fails.

Ishmael

You're right. But I'm talking about the hypocrisy of the household I grew up in where my mother made all the rules. My father did not delegate things to her and micromanage. The impression the world saw was that this was the case, however, my mother was in charge at ALL times, even when playing the head-bowing, eyes downcast, 5 step behind, "your father's right", perfect housewife routine that she did whenever anyone from outside the inner circle was present. I was expected to do the same when I married for the first time... which really pissed her off when I didnt...