Question.........

[SweetErika]

I am not telling the guy to toss out his marriage, but I am not telling him to stay in it either. I just think that there is a little too much sugar-coating on this thread simply because it is a so-called bisexuality issue. If his wife were sleeping with another man, the responses on here would be different. He needs to see it for what it is, and come to his own decision.

You have some excellent points, LF. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing you'd put me in with the "sugar coaters."

I was, and am, going off of my impressions of Curiousred's thoughts and feelings. Had he asked if what his wife had done was cheating/lying/wrong and what he should do about it, my answer would have been far different (bi, straight, whatever). However, I heard he wasn't too upset over what's happened so far, and a request for solutions. Given the fact that we've been in a similar situation (minus any lying, cheating, and hubby getting the idea I was bi after marriage), have really agonized over the possibilities, and finally found something that worked well for both of us, I thought it might be valuable to point out that it COULD be handled a different way. That way requires a different perspective, acceptance, a lot of work, possible sugar-coating and double standards, but if it's a good solution for the couple, that's great.

Truthfully, if a male replaced a female friend in this situation, my post would be very similar. My husband and I have been through that too, and have found things that work well for us by taking a different perspective. When we were starting with the bi issue, we both thought it was different because it was a matter of biology and seemed like less of a choice than having multiple partners/loves of the opposite sex. In time, I've discovered in addition to the bisexuality, I have a natural desire and belief in polyamory, so the differences are no longer there (nor is the hypocrisy; if I'm going to have relationships with other men, he's welcome to have them with women). Without the polyamory, our first, sugar-coated perspective and approach would have worked out fine for us, and I think it's possible for something like it to work for others like CuriousRed. At least it didn't hurt to put it out there.

Your comments about bisexuals here thinking they have a license to fuck, disregard spouses, and not being about love don't apply to me, though I certainly have seen those who seem to believe that here. I freely give my husband the power to give and take any licenses at-will and would never do anything I thought he might have even a bit of a problem with. I don't believe being bi gives me the right to be nonmonogamous, not any more than being straight gives my husband the right to fuck other women. My husband did (and perhaps still does) think it's less of a choice than having relationships with other men, making it more acceptable and hard to deny, and his beliefs dictate my actions on stuff like this. Additionally, I am, and always have been looking for love. I don't need sex with anyone but my husband, but I need loving relationships with others, male or female. However, I would limit them to strictly platonic if my husband wanted because I committed to him first, and have always maintained our marriage is my top priority.

So, much has changed for my husband and I, but the things that absolutely haven't are: our insistence on communication, complete honesty and respect; unwillingness to hide, lie, and cheat; the desire to be and make each other happy; the belief that personal happiness makes for a stronger, longer-lasting marriage; a refusal to do or go along with things that will lead to problems, such as resentment; a willingness to try new perspectives and find solutions; and taking a more flexible approach to typically difficult and harmful situations such as having other relationships. No matter what we're talking about, these are all things that I strongly advocate for healthy relationships.

I realize this probably sounds argumentative and defensive, though my only intent is to shed some light on what I believe and where my perspectives are coming from because your points have helped me see my post could be interpreted differently. I've really enjoyed reading and considering your posts here, and we agree on far more than we disagree on.

 

[LadyFunkenstein]

I don't think you are being argumentative at all. The difference between you and the original poster, is that you and your husband have honestly discussed these issues as they relate to your relationship, and you have come to an agreement. An agreement to which it seems you both happily adhere. This is a good thing, and my guess is would lead to a marriage happier than average.

Obviously, Curious is not in the same boat. If he were, we would not be having this discussion. That's why I read it is he *is* upset. He has stated (to paraphrase) "I am in a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation. Now what?" That is no way to live. And his wife isn't being 100% honest, so it makes it that much harder.

 

[TBKahuna123]

And his wife isn't being 100% honest, so it makes it that much harder.

I'm not trying to be argumentative either, but I find this an very interesting discussion because we see the same situation so differently, even though we seem to have the same opinion in general. So here's my question, what makes you think she isn't being honest? Curious said she was being honest and forthright about her feelings and desires? What is she lying about?

 

[Halo_n_horns]

CuriousRed,

If you're still out there...

Don't overcomplicate this. If you can't fuck her friend, or another friend of your own choosing, then she can't fuck her friend either. If the two of you can't be happy with this goose and gander agreement, then its time to move on before things get really ugly.

 

[SweetErika]

I don't think you are being argumentative at all. The difference between you and the original poster, is that you and your husband have honestly discussed these issues as they relate to your relationship, and you have come to an agreement. An agreement to which it seems you both happily adhere. This is a good thing, and my guess is would lead to a marriage happier than average.

Obviously, Curious is not in the same boat. If he were, we would not be having this discussion. That's why I read it is he *is* upset. He has stated (to paraphrase) "I am in a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation. Now what?" That is no way to live. And his wife isn't being 100% honest, so it makes it that much harder.

True. I figure my husband could have easily taken Curious' stance though. The only reason we were able to come to an agreement that we're both happy with was our willingness to look at the positives, throw out conventional ideas/beliefs and find new ones, focus on love, and try something that might work for both of us. That's really what I'm saying; I believe if the desire is there, you can choose to be open and at least give different perspectives and solutions a shot. If it doesn't work out once you've given it your best effort, fine, and you're likely no worse off than you'd be had you stuck with your first position all along.

 

[CorsetLvr]

True. I figure my husband could have easily taken Curious' stance though. The only reason we were able to come to an agreement that we're both happy with was our willingness to look at the positives, throw out conventional ideas/beliefs and find new ones, focus on love, and try something that might work for both of us. That's really what I'm saying; I believe if the desire is there, you can choose to be open and at least give different perspectives and solutions a shot. If it doesn't work out once you've given it your best effort, fine, and you're likely no worse off than you'd be had you stuck with your first position all along.

Excellent attitude. That's what it takes to in any non-traditional or lifestyle relationship. In a lot of ways it sounds like the type of relationship my hubby and I share.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Excellent attitude. That's what it takes to in any non-traditional or lifestyle relationship. In a lot of ways it sounds like the type of relationship my hubby and I share.

Heck, that's any kind of relationship. This is attitude of compromise and willingness to at least try to compromise is the only thing that holds a marriage to gether in the long term. It must, however, be accompanied by a willingness to put your yourself second to your mate and understand that if they can't handle something you want, that you have to choose your wants or them. If the other person has made a good faith effort to understand and be as flexible as they can without breaking their convictions, then you have a duty to try to live with that. Not always possible, but that's why there are some couples that are just incompatible. Still, every marriage/LTR requires at least some sacrifices on the part of both members involved.

 

[SweetErika]

Heck, that's any kind of relationship. This is attitude of compromise and willingness to at least try to compromise is the only thing that holds a marriage to gether in the long term. It must, however, be accompanied by a willingness to put your yourself second to your mate and understand that if they can't handle something you want, that you have to choose your wants or them. If the other person has made a good faith effort to understand and be as flexible as they can without breaking their convictions, then you have a duty to try to live with that. Not always possible, but that's why there are some couples that are just incompatible. Still, every marriage/LTR requires at least some sacrifices on the part of both members involved.

Well said.

 

[CorsetLvr]

Heck, that's any kind of relationship. This is attitude of compromise and willingness to at least try to compromise is the only thing that holds a marriage to gether in the long term. It must, however, be accompanied by a willingness to put your yourself second to your mate and understand that if they can't handle something you want, that you have to choose your wants or them. If the other person has made a good faith effort to understand and be as flexible as they can without breaking their convictions, then you have a duty to try to live with that. Not always possible, but that's why there are some couples that are just incompatible. Still, every marriage/LTR requires at least some sacrifices on the part of both members involved.

In my experience, it takes a good relatiopnship to be able to handle any sort of alternative lifestyle. Trying to go outside the box to "fix" something in a relationship is usually a recipe for disaster. Adding other people to a relationship never fixes anything. The relationship has to be sound BEFORE you start trying to add any "extras."

 

[TBKahuna123]

In my experience, it takes a good relatiopnship to be able to handle any sort of alternative lifestyle. Trying to go outside the box to "fix" something in a relationship is usually a recipe for disaster. Adding other people to a relationship never fixes anything. The relationship has to be sound BEFORE you start trying to add any "extras."

Absolutely! It's like these people that suggest bringing another person into the bedroom to help spark a troubled relationship. There is NO worse idea that I have heard. You need a rock solid relationship to do anything like this without causing more drama.