Question: Re - Women Who Love to be Bossy!

[tease2pleaseu]

Hi, I have question that I was hoping some of the more BDSM experienced Lit community may want to answer. Apologies if this has been asked previously, I haven't searched as I don't think it's a typical question.

I have always wondered about the ratio of dominant type females is the BDSM scene - in relation to the number of dominant males?

I have a feeling (although I'm by no means even half sure), that there are far less Femdoms out there - than the dominant male/master type?

In my relationships (that have admittedly been only of the typical/conventional type - ie not much kink - unfortunately!), most women seem to prefer their partner to be the more assertive (from a sexual perspective). Although, I guess this could, in part, be due to not yet gaining enough confidence in the bedroom etc?

Your thoughts?

BTW - I'd love to find out that there are actually far more Femdoms than I suspect!

 

[Primalex]

I have always wondered about the ratio of dominant type females is the BDSM scene - in relation to the number of dominant males?

1:10000 in real life
1:50 in "the scene"

And your assertion that submissive women are just shy creatures with a self-confidence problem is at least ridiculous.

 

[acynlacy]

My wife is a teacher and used to being in charge, she would qualify as "bossy" to some people. Sexually speaking she is completely submissive, not a dominate bone in her body. I think she enjoys letting someone else have the burden of control.

 

[tease2pleaseu]

1:10000 in real life
1:50 in "the scene"

And your assertion that submissive women are just shy creatures with a self-confidence problem is at least ridiculous.

Hi Primalex, regarding the figures that you kindly provided - many thanks for the insight. Although to be fair, in relation to the 'self-confidence problem', perhaps you may have slightly misinterpreted what I wrote? I'm sure the way I phrased it didn't help though....

 

[tease2pleaseu]

My wife is a teacher and used to being in charge, she would qualify as "bossy" to some people. Sexually speaking she is completely submissive, not a dominate bone in her body. I think she enjoys letting someone else have the burden of control.

Thanks for posting your thoughts acynlacy.

The 'bossy' comment was more tongue-in-cheek than anything else. I take your point completely though - just because somebody is a certain way in the majority of their life, it doesn't necessarily mean their sexual preferences will also fit the same/similar pattern...

I could certainly see why any person may be more attracted to the opposite qualities in regard to their sex life etc.

 

[Netzach]

1:10000 in real life
1:50 in "the scene"

And your assertion that submissive women are just shy creatures with a self-confidence problem is at least ridiculous.

This is crap. Well, not the general idea that there are more submissive women than dominant men. However I'd also say the percentage of menw who think they're dominant socially and in bed is a fraction of those who are, or those who don't WANT to be, but feel like they have to be because their wives are submissive. Submissive people outnumber dominant ones vastly.

It's not that there are a lot of non-scene dominant women running around in the capacity that people IN the scene would call them dominant, it's that there are tons of women who kind of get off on bedroom control but they don't exclusively like to be in control of sex, they don't groove on "the outfits" that magically seem to come in your Domme kit, they don't want to be associated with the misogynist wet dream of the scene, they don't find themselves in it at all. But they might like asserting themselves sexually, even to find that it weirds men out when push comes to shove.

The "scene" and mainstream sexuality don't offer much of substance to women who are dominant in the slightest capacity. A lot of women never develop these tendencies because they have no reason to.

 

[tease2pleaseu]

Hey Netzach, thanks for adding your thoughts on this. I've just read quite a large number of your posts and you're clearly an intelligent lady. However, it's your no-nonsense straight talking I really love.... Well that - as well as imagining you to be pretty damn strict - when the mood takes you!

 

[Primalex]

This is crap. Well, not the general idea that there are more submissive women than dominant men. However I'd also say the percentage of menw who think they're dominant socially and in bed is a fraction of those who are, or those who don't WANT to be, but feel like they have to be because their wives are submissive. Submissive people outnumber dominant ones vastly.

Usually I get what you want to say.

This time not.

You say that there is a certain percentage of guys who pretend to be dominant just because their girl is submissive.

And then you say that submissive people outnumber dominant ones vastly.

And from this you manage to conclude that the numbers I stated are crap? How? And what are your numbers?

they don't groove on "the outfits" that magically seem to come in your Domme kit, they don't want to be associated with the misogynist wet dream of the scene, they don't find themselves in it at all. But they might like asserting themselves sexually, even to find that it weirds men out when push comes to shove.

The "scene" and mainstream sexuality don't offer much of substance to women who are dominant in the slightest capacity. A lot of women never develop these tendencies because they have no reason to.

And? All this can be applied to men, too.

I mean, just look around here - count how many female doms here are and determine the percentage of those who "scene". Then count the male doms and determine the percentage of those who "scene". You think it's the same number?

 

[Netzach]

Usually I get what you want to say.

This time not.

You say that there is a certain percentage of guys who pretend to be dominant just because their girl is submissive.

And then you say that submissive people outnumber dominant ones vastly.

And from this you manage to conclude that the numbers I stated are crap? How? And what are your numbers?

My numbers are from an adulthood spent talking to other women, largely hetero, about off-the-record sexual curiosities and "I'd never tell him" shit known as gossip. And the fact is there's more than 1:1000 ratio to men who actually *like* to give direction in bed when you're talking about sexual interest outside of formalized SM, but these same women are not showing up at a play party any time in this lifetime.

I'm by no means arguing that Dominant women are a majority or even super common, but the mythical magical unicorn status gets a little silly.

And? All this can be applied to men, too.

I mean, just look around here - count how many female doms here are and determine the percentage of those who "scene". Then count the male doms and determine the percentage of those who "scene". You think it's the same number?

Do you really think that I'm the only woman wired this way online or just *here?* Is there a case of self fulfilling prophecy in action?

 

[NomadLady]

Bossy...

I am very much the Type A, controlling bossy woman by day and night. I am 5'10" and a BBW, blonde and can be quite the "imposing" woman when I want to be. My work and personal life are very stressful and force me to maintain the dominant persona but when I'm with my dom...that is all out the window and I am happy to lose control.

I've recently been confronted with the chance to "switch" and I thinking it will be fun.

 

[tease2pleaseu]

Hi NomadLady,

Thanks for taking the time to explain your opinion and experiences,. It appears that this was actually your first post - so kudos for getting involved in a debate that, in my opinion, has the potential to encompass so many other fringe issues.

I was also happy to read your other post (on a different thread) where you explained how you've recently met a new dom (after quite a few years of not being involved in any of the BDSM lifestyle - if memory serves).

It genuinely makes me happy if, and when, people are lucky enough to find something in their life that makes sense for them. It seems that perhaps this is the case with you which is great.

Good luck here on Lit. (I should probably just mention that I've only been here on Lit a few days longer than yourself).

 

[Primalex]

Do you really think that I'm the only woman wired this way online or just *here?*

No, I think that much more female Doms are "professional" than male Doms percentage-wise.

 

[Netzach]

No, I think that much more female Doms are "professional" than male Doms percentage-wise.

Probably, though the numbers of male sex workers catering to male submissive fantasies is probably pretty high. It's really more a comment on the consumer chain in sex work than power differentials, don't you think?

I'm saying that there are a lot more women who like to pull hair and bite nipples and push heads between their legs than there are Dominatrixes.1:1000 is a bit extreme when we're talking about bedroom aggression once in a while.

 

[tease2pleaseu]

Probably, though the numbers of male sex workers catering to male submissive fantasies is probably pretty high. It's really more a comment on the consumer chain in sex work than power differentials, don't you think?

Yeah, I'd have to agree, in general IMHO there seems to be many more ladies who tend to make money out of sex (in it's various forms) than guys do. For me, there's nothing wrong with that, BDSM I guess, is just another field where this generalization would seem to apply.

I'm saying that there are a lot more women who like to pull hair and bite nipples and push heads between their legs than there are Dominatrixes.1:1000 is a bit extreme when we're talking about bedroom aggression once in a while.

I find this opinion/observation interesting, as personally I have found that mos of the women I have encountered are either unwilling/unable to show this side (which is a shame). In your opinion Netzach, would you say this is more common than perhaps I realize?

I think I know where you're coming from though; even if certain women aren't into this a great deal, then perhaps many feel like being more dominant just when the mood takes them (from time to time).

 

[Stella_Omega]

No, I think that much more female Doms are "professional" than male Doms percentage-wise.

You're talking about hetero, of course. More men than women will pay for sex, in our culture-- although there is an eentsy trickle of women who have enough money to spend some of it on personal gratifications-- and have thrown off the cultural assumptions that a beauty salon is the right place for a lady to throw her cash at.

Almost all the female ProDommes that I know though, also play for lurve.

 

[FungiUg]

Hmm... I take Stella's point about hetero. So far as I know, the only professional male dominants that I have encountered (i.e. working in the sex or related industry) are gay. On the other hand, I have run into quite a few professional female dominants.

I couldn't give you stats, but if you like I can make some up.

In terms of non-professional dominants, I suspect that the numbers are pretty much even in New Zealand. I could be entirely wrong, but that's my impression from the Auckland scene anyway.

Either way, the submissives outnumber the dominants.

 

[Primalex]

You're talking about hetero, of course.

Of course? No.

Dominance and sexual orientation are two completely different issues. Most Doms I know (and especially the professional ones) don't mind to top the same gender, they just don't have sex with them for personal sexual pleasure.

But hey, those are things you just have no clue about.