Question for y'all

[deliciously_naughty]

Hey guys...

I've played around with very mild bsdm...getting tied up, spanking, etc. However, this question is about a friend that I'm concerned about. I just don't think I have enough experience to make a good call.

My friend A broke off a vanilla relationship and immediately began to dive into exploring everything she's been curious about for years. While I'm totally supportive of her bisexuality and exploring BSDM, I *am* a bit concerned about the relationship that I felt she dove into very quickly.

She met "x" at a play party. He is a dom, and they moved into a "daddy/sub" relationship very quickly. I haven't gotten many details out of her about their scenes, which is a bit unusual. As her most experienced (sexually), erotica author, condeming of practically nothing friend I usually get all the deets from everyone. I do know that she was amused by her doctors comments about the bruises on her breasts. I also know that most of their scenes are pretty intense.

My concern...I know that she has had some major issues with depression and self esteem for years. I'm concerned that she's in this type of relationship because she feels she needs to be punished for whatever (breaking off the relationship, whatever it is) she feels she's guilty of. I also feel like she's dove rather deeply rather quickly into the relationship...things like if she swears at all she'll get punished.

They also don't have a safe word. I know she has keys or something that she can drop, but she's also really stubborn and I know it would take a lot to cause her to drop them. I also know that they do after care, but that she's had some trouble getting out of what she calls "Girl Space."

I've expressed concerns to her, and have been brushed off. But it almost seems like there's been a personality shift in the past few months, and not necessarily for the healthier. I worry.

Now, I am certain that she is a sub...although she's hardly submissive on the job or such. I also think that she could quite safely be in a sub/dom relationship. I'm just concerned about this. What do you think? I just don't have enough experience in the BSDM lifestyle as I need.

Thanks in advance...

 

[Ebonyfire]

Sometimes it is hard to be a friend...

Originally posted by deliciously_naughty
snip
She met "x" at a play party. He is a dom, and they moved into a "daddy/sub" relationship very quickly. I haven't gotten many details out of her about their scenes, which is a bit unusual. As her most experienced (sexually), erotica author, condeming of practically nothing friend I usually get all the deets from everyone. I do know that she was amused by her doctors comments about the bruises on her breasts. I also know that most of their scenes are pretty intense.

This is difficult. First of all, if your friend is unwilling to discuss her relationsip details with you, it could be for several different reasons. It is possible she feels you will disapprove, or perhaps her new daddy has forbid her to talk to others. Either way, you have no way of getting her to tell you more that she wants to tell.

It sounds like she feels comfortable enough to tell you some things and not comfortable about sharing others. Being a good friend sometimes means watching (out for your friend) and keeping a dialog open with her in case she needs you.

My concern...I know that she has had some major issues with depression and self esteem for years. I'm concerned that she's in this type of relationship because she feels she needs to be punished for whatever (breaking off the relationship, whatever it is) she feels she's guilty of. I also feel like she's dove rather deeply rather quickly into the relationship...things like if she swears at all she'll get punished.

That may be so, but what can you do about it? She is an adult, and if you push her too hard she may discontinue her friendship with you. And if the Dom is question is not a nice man (he may be nice) that could be playing into his hands.

You run the risk of overstepping your bounds as a good friend. However, if you can preserve the friendship by supporting her and keeping an open dialog between you, you may be able to help her in case she needs you.


They also don't have a safe word. I know she has keys or something that she can drop, but she's also really stubborn and I know it would take a lot to cause her to drop them. I also know that they do after care, but that she's had some trouble getting out of what she calls "Girl Space."

Dropping her keys or other physical signs are commonly used in place of safewords. You cannot use a safeword if you are gagged. If theey have a safe signal, that may be just fine. However, if you are not around when she and he are together, can you be sure she is not using her signals?

I've expressed concerns to her, and have been brushed off. But it almost seems like there's been a personality shift in the past few months, and not necessarily for the healthier. I worry.

It is admirable that you care for your friend, but you have expressed your concerns, and she has brushed you off. All you can do now is keep the lines of communication open for her so that she will not shut you out. If you push, she may do the opposite.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there for her.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Why don't you ask your friend? In a concerned, caring manner, of course. IMO, Assumptions can be a bad place to start. I wouldn't dare try to psychoanalyze your friend third-hand. She may have always had submissive feelings...who knows? Trying to figure out "why" she's in a BDSM relationship from the outside is treading in dangerous territory. Why not open a dialogue with
her?

You have other concerns as well. Bruises? Not uncommon. I have them certain scenes with my Sir. I'd venture to say that other subs here do as well. Again, talk to your friend.

Safewording? You said she holds keys? That's a form of safewording. You are concerned about her being "stubborn" about safewording, although that is not the word I would use. We are often pushing a limit of mine, trying to go further and farther than I ever have before. Sir knows exactly when to stop whatever it is He is doing, BEFORE I have to use a safeword. Perhaps her Dominant does to. How do you know? Again...have you asked her?

Your friend is a very lucky woman to have such a concerned and caring friend such as yourself. I would encourage you to talk to her, in a non-judgemental way. It may seem like her personality has changed to you, but perhaps she is in a space that she is happy to be in, that is just a space that you are having difficulty understanding. Maybe she can help you understand where she's coming from.

~anelize

 

[Netzach]

What they said.

The part you're concerned about is the part I'm usually concerned about with friends, when leaving a relationship if they THROW themselves %200 into a relationship quickly it's often not a good idea.

I'd not say *never* a good idea though.

And telling someone to slow down when they are plowing ahead romantically...never a really good idea, you can, they probably won't listen, and you don't want to keep saying it over and over. Just be there, be around, be a friend.

 

[deliciously_naughty]

Thanks for the advice...

Like I said, I'm just concerned because it's just a much different dynamic in our friendship, and I had some concerns.

You've helped allay my fears...thanks

 

[Soron]

Re: Sometimes it is hard to be a friend...

~snip~

This is difficult. First of all, if your friend is unwilling to discuss her relationsip details with you, it could be for several different reasons. It is possible she feels you will disapprove, or perhaps her new daddy has forbid her to talk to others. Either way, you have no way of getting her to tell you more that she wants to tell.

It sounds like she feels comfortable enough to tell you some things and not comfortable about sharing others. Being a good friend sometimes means watching (out for your friend) and keeping a dialog open with her in case she needs you.

That may be so, but what can you do about it? She is an adult, and if you push her too hard she may discontinue her friendship with you. And if the Dom is question is not a nice man (he may be nice) that could be playing into his hands.

You run the risk of overstepping your bounds as a good friend. However, if you can preserve the friendship by supporting her and keeping an open dialog between you, you may be able to help her in case she needs you.


It is admirable that you care for your friend, but you have expressed your concerns, and she has brushed you off. All you can do now is keep the lines of communication open for her so that she will not shut you out. If you push, she may do the opposite.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there for her.

This is excellent advice. You want to support her as much as possible in case this does backfire on her. I would think you'd be the person she'd come to if you keep an open communique with her.
Has she offered to let you meet this Dom?

 

[Etoile]

My concern...I know that she has had some major issues with depression and self esteem for years. I'm concerned that she's in this type of relationship because she feels she needs to be punished for whatever (breaking off the relationship, whatever it is) she feels she's guilty of. I also feel like she's dove rather deeply rather quickly into the relationship...things like if she swears at all she'll get punished.
(snip)
Now, I am certain that she is a sub...although she's hardly submissive on the job or such. I also think that she could quite safely be in a sub/dom relationship. I'm just concerned about this. What do you think? I just don't have enough experience in the BSDM lifestyle as I need.

You've got me a bit confused here. You're certain that she's a sub, but you think she might only be in the relationship because of depression and self-esteem issues. I have had similar issues for many years, and I don't really see them as connected to my submission. She may want to be punished, but it may not have anything to do with her self-esteem.

I don't see how the rule against swearing indicates that she's too deep into the relationship too fast. It's a rule that a dom might impose at any time...why do you feel this is a warning sign?

And yes, you're a wonderful friend for caring! Just make sure she knows you're there for her, and then all you can do is let her take care of herself.

 

[Croctden]

I'm backing Etolie

I'm far from an expert, butI've never believed there is a connention between BDSM and depression. Doms gets depressed, vanillas get depressed, depression effects every groups of people.

Subs, hopefully, are submitting because they really enjoy it. Being depressed should not change what you like. Most people don't run out looking to get beat when the have depression.

 

[deliciously_naughty]

Re: I'm backing Etolie

I have met the dom, and honestly I got more concerned after I met him. Sitting next to him, he kept trying to crush my foot with his, even after I moved it the first time. It felt like he was playing dominance games with me, which I have problems with.

I never said that her submissiveness was related to her depression. I think you can be submissive without being masochistic. And while she has shown interest in submission, she had never shown interest in machocism before.

The point of concern is that her behavoirs have changed. A lot. And in a short period of time.

I am an open person, and I have no problem with sub/dom relationships or s&m relationships. I do care about my friends though, and I think I know them well enough to know when something's off. And since the only thing that's different in her life is this relationship, I made that connection.

Shrug...of course I'll remain open.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: I'm backing Etolie

Sitting next to him, he kept trying to crush my foot with his, even after I moved it the first time. It felt like he was playing dominance games with me, which I have problems with.

And rightfully so. No one has the right to involve you in their lifestyle without your permission.

As for crushing your foot, that is just plain rude and bad mannered.

But she has made her choice, and all you can do is be there in case her choice is a foolish one. Some people have to find out things for themselves.

 

[Croctden]

Now I'm backing EB

I have met the dom, and honestly I got more concerned after I met him. Sitting next to him, he kept trying to crush my foot with his, even after I moved it the first time. It felt like he was playing dominance games with me, which I have problems with.

That's not Dom behavior, that's asshole behavior.

And while she has shown interest in submission, she had never shown interest in machocism before.

The point of concern is that her behavoirs have changed. A lot. And in a short period of time.

I would not say someone changing alot is in itself a cause for major concern. It maybe be here finding herself or the right man. When someone finally breaks from social conventions it can be a big explosion. Of course I'm talking from outside the situation.

I am an open person, and I have no problem with sub/dom relationships or s&m relationships. I do care about my friends though, and I think I know them well enough to know when something's off.

Exactly. To me when a friend is doing something that will hurt them they won't listen and you just have to hang on for the ride and be there when they crash. Sorry, that's the shakes. This guy could turn out to be a major mistake.

 

[Ebonyfire]

You know what happens in these situations.

The guy (and I am not using the term Dom) does things to make the friends suspicious, and so they try to warn the friend. She does not want to listen, and she breaks off all communication with all her friends.

He has gotten want he wanted, to isolate her from friends (and sometimes family) so that she has to rely on him.

I am not saying that this is the case here, cause I do not know any of these people.

But I always caution friends from alienating themselves from their friend. Always be there so that she knows she is not alone, and has someone she can run to.

It is just a safety issue.

Isolation facilitates abuse.

 

[zipman]

You know what happens in these situations.

The guy (and I am not using the term Dom) does things to make the friends suspicious, and so they try to warn the friend. She does not want to listen, and she breaks off all communication with all her friends.

He has gotten want he wanted, to isolate her from friends (and sometimes family) so that she has to rely on him.

I am not saying that this is the case here, cause I do not know any of these people.

But I always caution friends from alienating themselves from their friend. Always be there so that she knows she is not alone, and has someone she can run to.

It is just a safety issue.

Isolation facilitates abuse.

Great post! I have seen this dynamic play out many times in my life.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Some of you probably know what I am going to say. I don't trust 'Doms' who take new submissives and totally immerse them in the lifestyle in a matter of days or weeks. As a friend, all you can do is try to be there, but you may have to cut her loose. There is no profit in supporting people who don't want your support.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Some of you probably know what I am going to say. I don't trust 'Doms' who take new submissives and totally immerse them in the lifestyle in a matter of days or weeks. As a friend, all you can do is try to be there, but you may have to cut her loose. There is no profit in supporting people who don't want your support.

But if you can lurk in the background, it may be worthwhile to do so. That is if you can do it without hurting yourself.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

But if you can lurk in the background, it may be worthwhile to do so. That is if you can do it without hurting yourself.

Oh, right....you can always be waiting in the wings. I just wouldn't go so far as to allow the situation to hurt you.

 

[deliciously_naughty]

Thanks again for the support and advice.

Johnny, i think, hit the nail on the head...I'm very unnerved by how quickly my friend was brought into the relationship and immersed into the lifestyle. Everything I've done or read and (almost) everyone I've spoken with has said it should be gradual and that things should move in steps, not great leaps off cliffs, which is what this felt like and why it worried me.

Beyond that, I'm steering clear of the dom, and remaining friends with the person in question. Luckily we're in the same profession, so we can have other things to talk about besides sex.