Question for those of you who are single...

[nytemist]

When looking for a potential significant other, how do you tell them of your BDSM interests? Or do you tell them? I don't mean net dating...that's different, especially if you're on a fetish site. I mean meeting new people in real life, getting to know them, etc...just old-fashioned dating.

For example, let's say you met someone you really liked. They're everything you could want in someone, but you have no idea what their feelings about BDSM are. Would you tell them of your BDSM interests right from the beginning, or would you wait until you got to know them and had already spent significant time with them, or would you not say anything at all unless they brought up the subject?

The reason I ask is that I'm single, and out meeting people, doing things with people, basically in the casual dating scene, just seeing what happens. And I wonder what if I meet someone I really like and tell her about my BDSM fetish and it scares her away?

I know that the answer most of you will give is "You wouldn't be truly happy not being able to be yourself anyway," and of course you're right. And of course there's also the chance that if you say something, you may find out they have an interest in it too.

But there's also the chance they'll think you're a freak and you lose out on being with someone wonderful who you could have had a great relationship with if it weren't for that.

And it's especially ironic for me to worry about, considering I don't even have any BDSM experience yet...I'm a curious sub, hoping to start learning. But it's already something I think about so much that I wonder if I'd truly be happy never being able to explore that side of me. Probably not.

There's always online BDSM, which is how I'd like to begin anyway, but if I were with someone IRL, I'd feel guilty about keeping it a secret and having an online Mistress on the side...it doesn't seem right to me. So if I were with someone and BDSM wasn't a part of it, then I'd be keeping it to myself, because I'm not going to look for it elsewhere while I'm with someone.

It just seems like an awkward thing to bring up when you're out meeting people, you know? How do you go on a couple dates or whatever with a cute girl you really like and then tell her you're interested in BDSM and want to learn to become a sub? I guess I just worry about meeting someone wonderful, things going great, and then bringing it up and scaring them off.

Sorry for the novel. I'm probably just thinking too much, like I always do. But I was just wondering how those of you who are single approach the subject when you're out dating, meeting people, etc.

Thanks.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

Call me silly but would it not just be easier to find someone in the lifestyle already to hook up with?? Then all you need to worry about are the few more mundane parts of the relationship. If you don't want to go this way but just find some vanilla person then no matter what way you present your life they could freak out on you.

 

[nytemist]

Sure, it probably would be easier. But sometimes you might just meet someone out of nowhere who's really nice, you know? I could go to a party or something and end up meeting someone I liked. If that happened, I wouldn't want to not pursue it just because I didn't meet her in a BDSM setting...and for all I know, she could be curious about it too. So I'm just curious how people here approach the subject if they meet someone they like IRL.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm with leeroy. I knew what I needed and so from that point forth I didn't bother even looking at anyone in the mainstream. I just didn't see the point in getting to know someone who I might like on all the vanilla levels only to find they were not in the slightest interested in D/s and then go through the heartbreak, rejection, and lost time. All my spare time was spent talking with people who were into what I was and might possibly lead to something more significant. I certainly didn't want to change anyone as I figured once they got to my age, if they were the type person I needed they should already have decided who and what they were and it was not my place to then remodel them to suit my needs, so once again it made sense to look in the right pool for me.

Catalina

 

[Ebonyfire]

When looking for a potential significant other, how do you tell them of your BDSM interests?

This is simple for Me. I do not "date". Being a female dominant I only have submissive men in my life.

If I meet someone who is interested in Me, I may or may not go out with them based on their "kinkiness".

If I think they are kinky enough, then I tell them I am a Domme as soon as possible and if it freaks them out, then they go their merry way and I go mine.

Funny thing is that they seldom walk. They are curious about the lifestyle, and they try things. But I make it clear that any life partner I have will be submissive. So that clarifies things right in the beginning. If they are looking for a "little woman" to see to their every need, my response is a rousing chorus of "It ain't me babe!".

Eb

 

[fieryjen]

I agree that it is probably much easier to find someone you already know is in the lifestyle. I didn't do it that way and it worked out anyway, however, I am fairly certain that I was lucky and it's a pretty rare thing.

My current boyfriend/Dom is a fellow college student whom I started dating as part of a perfectly vanilla relationship. A few days after I first slept with him, I felt brave enough to bring the topic up, very carefully to see what he was thinking. As it turned out, he was completely clueless, intrigued and willing to try it out to see if it could work for the two of us (it did ).

 

[Chicklet]

My experiences are slim, both in the BDSM relationships and looking for a significant other, period. With the first few, I always brought up the BDSM stuff right away. None of them were "into" it when I met them, but learned to do some things based on the fact that I liked it. I find, when there's a connection, people are willing to do a lot of things for one another.

The last person I met, I met at a fetish event. Well, that's not entirely true. He was a friend of a friend. My friend and I went up to Seattle to stay with him, and we all attended a fetish event. That sort of let me know that the doors were open with him that way and it didn't take much from there.

I would say, it depends on how important the BDSM aspect is to your relationship. If it's just something you'd like to try in bed, then it's probably not going to be that difficult for you to let a person who likes you know about it. But if it's something you want to pursue like catalina and francisco's 24/7 relationship, then I doubt you'll happen to find that just by chance.

Call me silly but would it not just be easier to find someone in the lifestyle already to hook up with?? Then all you need to worry about are the few more mundane parts of the relationship.

I'd like to point out that just because someone's interested in BDSM it doesn't mean they have the same interests as you. You bump up against the same walls when you already know they're "kinky" - maybe you want a daddy dom, and they want a gorean slave. maybe you want a 24/7 power exchange and they want to tie you to the bed and make you beg for sex, then have a perfectly normal relationship after that. maybe you have a closet full of leather whips, and they have a satin flogger.

 

[Marquis]

I'd like to point out that just because someone's interested in BDSM it doesn't mean they have the same interests as you. You bump up against the same walls when you already know they're "kinky" - maybe you want a daddy dom, and they want a gorean slave. maybe you want a 24/7 power exchange and they want to tie you to the bed and make you beg for sex, then have a perfectly normal relationship after that. maybe you have a closet full of leather whips, and they have a satin flogger.

Precisely.

I think limiting yourself to the kinky avenues when looking for a partner is a big mistake.

 

[chris9]

If I remember correctly, Tealsphynx and her dragon met in an 'ordinary' way, and then she found she is a Domme. I could be wrong, though.
Anyways, finding the one for life is never easy. So you can either go through a small crowd of Dommes, finding the one or very few that match you both in your bedroom desires and your interests/life/character. Or you can search among the bigger crowd of 'normal' women, finding one that matches you in every 'normal' thing and your bedroom desires.
Doesn't sound like the huge difference
It might also depend on your age and the age of the one you are searching. If you're young, like twenties, it's probably easier to find a dominant woman who might not have realized it yet, but who has a certain curiosity, or can be 'awakened' to that part of her. If you're looking for someone more experienced in life, Catalina's point seems valid

I certainly didn't want to change anyone as I figured once they got to my age, if they were the type person I needed they should already have decided who and what they were

I believe I would try as many different approaches as possible. Get on a dating site (especially if you want to start online), go meet a local group, stay open to those people you bump into by chance. It's possible they are into the same thing you are, it's not written on anybody's foreheads what they like in bed (or anywhere else).

 

[agibean]

I agree with Marquis

I wouldn't limit yourself to kinky potential partners. Real life will intrude no matter how deep into BDSM you are, and there better be a solid foundation for the relationship to work.

This is how it worked for me. I was recently single. I wanted to date, and assumed I should stick to real life BDSM people and online BDSM dating sites. I met some nice people, but no one that had anything ELSE in common with me, along with a few who had a thing or two in common with me, but divergent interets in BDSM. So I stopped looking.

Instead, I looked on a "friends only" site for someone with common interests to hang out with. Antiquing, old movies, etc. And I met someone who indeed made a good friend. And despite both of our lack of interest dating, we found that it was exactly what we wanted to do. We fell in "like".

Since I already knew what I wanted out of BDSM for myself, and also that I wanted it to be a part of my life, I sat my friend down and told him about myself, fully prepared for this somewhat formal, old-fashioned guy to run for the hills. But he didn't. He smiled and told me that he'd wanted to meet someone like me all his life. He had no real experience in BDSM, but was ready and willing to learn.

I introduced him to one of my local friends in the scene and got him some books and he learned.

We celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary next month. My suggestion: never say never, and never assume that one door should ALWAYS remain closed. The "vanilla" person you might dismiss could turn out to be the best dom for you.

 

[Hester]

good question. there's someone who has been very interested in me for a while. he happens to be a great guy, and as hard as i try i can't find any fault with him or how he handles me, but while we don't work for the same organization we are often on the same projects and he's a big shot in my field who has also been a mentor to me.

there's no way in hell i'm going to spill the beans about my proclivities to a colleague/mentor, so i try to keep this gentleman at arms' length. at some point i'm going to have to find a way to tell him *something* i'm just not sure what to tell him or how to tell him. i'm also generally very hesitant about entering a relationship at this point in my life so that doesn't help.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I wouldn't limit yourself to kinky potential partners. Real life will intrude no matter how deep into BDSM you are, and there better be a solid foundation for the relationship to work.

That is true, which is why for us we looked at all aspects of the people we communicated with, but chose only those from the D/s pool. Being so far apart and unable to meet in the flesh, we actually got to know a lot of in depth things about each other that many don't find out before the wedding because of physical distractions. That enabled us to know we shared a lot of similar thoughts, values, and politics outside BDSM, but the bottom line was that anyone either of us was going to commit to for life had to share our sado masochistic desires as well as want an M/s relationship as without that they were not even the vanilla part of the person we wanted. It isn't an either/or situation, but a recognition of needs and coming together of all factors vital for it to work and make us happy. I am happy yours also has worked out, for me though I just figured I had wasted too much time and heartache already to leave it to chance hit or miss anymore so I chose looking at people who already shared the number one need in my life and thus cut down the traffic.

Catalina

 

[nytemist]

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it.

 

[O'Mac]

Personally speaking, nytemist, I wouldn't take the advice of those saying you shouldn't attempt to bring another person into the fold of the BDSM lifestyle.

While there are some in here that talk about their own experiences as if they discovered their submissive side whilst in the womb or some such nonsense, they may not understand that people can become very attracted to the lifestyle after being shown a bit of what it's about. Or maybe they always had a Dominant or submissive personality within them and just need someone to bring those feelings to the surface of their mentality.

leeroy: Yes you are silly. While it IS easier to hook up with someone already in the lifestyle, maybe others like to spend some time and effort to allow someone else to experience what we feel and do.

catalina: From the implication of your post, you seem more interested in the dynamics of a BDSM relationship itself and less towards who you are sharing it with.

Marquis, chicklet, and others have the right idea. If you really like a person enough to consider a long term relationship, then surely you should be comfortable enough to show them your interests and see how they feel.

 

[catalina_francisco]

catalina: From the implication of your post, you seem more interested in the dynamics of a BDSM relationship itself and less towards who you are sharing it with.

And just how do you come to that conclusion? If you had been around here for a lot longer perhaps and read a lot more of the posts we have both made you would know that I have said on many occasions I had plenty who were willing to accept me, who even came from overseas to meet me, and because they were not the match I wanted in all areas (aka more vanilla aspects as well as BDSM), I turned them down. I did not go to parties and clubs and play with whoever waved a crop in my direction, nor did I submit to anyone who offered, nor did I accept a collar from anyone else, and nor did I participate in playing online D/s games. I made the decision that when I submitted, I didn't want to feel like I was paraphrasing words I had said to a line of gentlemen who came before...lol, bit like giving your virginity the old fashioned way, it only happens once....so there would only be one. That all being said, you obviously even missed the part of this post in this thread where I said;

"That is true, which is why for us we looked at all aspects of the people we communicated with, but chose only those from the D/s pool. Being so far apart and unable to meet in the flesh, we actually got to know a lot of in depth things about each other that many don't find out before the wedding because of physical distractions."

I think what you are not understanding is it is not an either or situation. I wanted a lifetime commitment, not a string of bad D/s relationships to add to the list of vanilla ones which had not been all I had hoped. That meant not only looking for someone who fit my vanilla values and interest, I had plenty of friends who filled that position, but I also wanted someone who I fell in love with and they with me, and someone who shared my desire to live this lifestyle and had realised themselves it was what they needed in a relationship. I was in my late 30's when I started to consider the possibility, closer to 40 when I seriously began to look out of recognition of what had been missing all my life. I figured I had already spent too much of my life wondering what was missing to leave it to chance any longer. I even had vanilla friends who were horrified I woud have a date or coffee with someone and then if they didn't seem to be someone I could submit to, I would tell the thanks but no thanks and move on to the next one. I always left freindship as an option, but according to those who were shocked, once you agree to a coffee or date, you owe the at least 6 dates before telling them it won't work...sheesh, no wonder so may people end up in unhappy relationships....how do you string someone along and feel clean in the morning..seems many find it impossible by then so tell themselves they will make it work.

Guess I am one of those who believe you make your own good fortune, not wait for it to come ringing the doorbell like a character in a fairy tale romance, and moaning when or if it doesn't...I like being proactive in my life choices, and I don't feel like wasting energy on trying to convince someone who perhaps has not discovered their D/s needs, and most likely does not have any, that that was the way to go simply because I was into it and wanted the to be also. I find it as offensive as if someone tried to tell me they could show me how to live my life and what I should do based on their own desires and experiences alone (maybe vanilla, actually some who I came across in everyday life tried to convince me I needed vanilla, not D/s because they didn't want D/s but wanted me)...it sort of feels selfish and 'I know everything and just what you need' bad salesperson mentality to me. See for me, if I was looking for a Dominant and given my age, I was not concerned if they had no experience, but it seemed if they weren't even aware by their late 30's/40's they were even interested in beng Dominant, then they were probably someone I was not going to find could meet my needs.

Add to all this F has been active in the lifestyle for around 14 years, and I am the only one he has ever offered a collar to, the only one he ever even considered marrying and did, and the only one he has accepted as a TPE slave, the reason being like me, he had never met the one he felt was worthy of any of those offers from him AND who met his needs and values in both BDSM and vanilla areas, and who he fell in love with. In fact, he knocked the socks off everyone who knew him as he was the proverbial confirmed bachelor, so going 16,000kms to meet someone for the first time and then marry them was certainly out of character. So as you can see, far from what you thought, neither of us were interested in jumping into such a serious commitment with any old sod who crossed our path no matter how pretty they might look, how much money they had (yes I did have a Dominant try to use that like a carrot to entice me), and given my age, I was feeling a bit jaded and not like wasting time on possible possibilities in the vanilla pool when there were so many in the BSDSM pool where at least I knew we had a good chance of being on the right path in one area. Bottom line was we both wanted someone who was interested in living in the lifestyle for life AND someone who shared similar interests, had chemistry, and love...we were not willing to settle for one or the other, we wanted both. By the time we met face to face we knew how each thought politically, religiously, and socially; our family histories and experiences; what upset us, hurt us, repelled us; what our ethics and values were; what our deepest secrets were which had never been shared with another; how we reacted in various situations; our dreams; what turned us one; what made us happy; and all personal detais including work and family contacts....many mainstream people don't know that much about each other on their wedding day or even a year later.

If you are in your 20's, early 30's, fine if you feel like spending time meeting mainstream people and hoping you might be able to show them they want what you want, but after a few decades you realise you deserve something good, and time is not waiting around for you, so you better not waste it on vague possibilities and IMHO needless possible heartache. You only have to read the many stories of people here who have tried it and failed to know it isn't always guaranteed to work, and then you not only have to find another to suit your needs, but have to get over the failed one, get over the pain and anguish, and get rid of the baggage. Why do that to yourself when there is another way? Getting older does have its advantages, believe me. Must be where the saying 'If I knew then what I know now....." came from.

Catalina

 

[O'Mac]

Originally Posted by catalina_francisco
I'm with leeroy. I knew what I needed and so from that point forth I didn't bother even looking at anyone in the mainstream. I just didn't see the point in getting to know someone who I might like on all the vanilla levels only to find they were not in the slightest interested in D/s and then go through the heartbreak, rejection, and lost time.

How did I come to my conclusion? Well I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but the above remark sorta speaks for itself. I think a newer member such as nytemist could easily take that as an argument that the BDSM relationship itself is of greater significance than the people involved.

 

[catalina_francisco]

How did I come to my conclusion? Well I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but the above remark sorta speaks for itself. I think a newer member such as nytemist could easily take that as an argument that the BDSM relationship itself is of greater significance than the people involved.

So how does that say it could be anyone as long as they were into D/s? What it does say is I was not interested in getting involved with someone only to screw us both up emotionally when it came to the point of talking D/s and they were not interested. My thinking is if you have things in your life which are vital to your happiness, and you are secure in your knowledge of self, why would you chance getting involved with someone who didn't understand and share that when there are many you know at least might meet you on that level? Unfortunately what happens more often is people get to a point where they are not in love with the person they are with, but more so with the fantasy in their head of who they want them to be, and then they try and make that person change to be who they want, not respecting them for who they really are.

Is like someone devoutly Catholic who will not consider marrying outside their faith, dating someone who is Muslim, Protestant, or Buddhist, not telling them your religious beliefs and vaues, then when the relationship has reached a deeply emotional level, telling them you are not interested in continuing with them if they will not convert. To me it is not only foolish, but is exceptionally cruel, disrespectful, arrogant, deceitful, and inconsiderate. Of course, if you are still not sure whether D/s is anything more than a passing fad, or you can live without it, go for it as it will make little difference if the other person is not into it then. My experience is though, while many like to play with the optimistic view it can happen miraculously that the mainstream person will excitedly embrace their kink, more often than not it happens the opposite way where down the track a bit they are unhappily married or feeling stuck in a relationship, or going to the divorce courts, or cheating to try and meet their needs. It never ceases to amaze me why humans are the only animals in the animal kingdom who despite considering themselves the most intelligent, do not learn from their and other's mistakes, but continue to do the same thing over and over hoping something will mysteriously happen differently and despite making choices that invite disaster and pain, will all come out perfect. I'm just not that big a gambler nor am I into living in a fool's paradise when there is another option.

Catalina

 

[O'Mac]

I understand what you're saying, but let's look at the original post and the responses with regards to it.

nytemist is asking how to approach someone who may or may not be familiar with the lifestyle, and how best to find out what their attitudes towards it may be. Your post and leeroy's implies that it's a lot easier to go with someone knowingly already involved in the lifestyle, as opposed to asking them directly or bringing the subject up as a possibility.

I'm very much of the opinion that nytemist should mention this to any respect long-term partner, as it has been mentioned, there is a very real possibility that they might have an interest that was just never acted upon - or perhaps they do practise it and just don't talk about it in everyday conversation.

Yeah, you are absolutely right that the other person could have no interest at all. Maybe nytemist could live with that and continue a relationship with them. Then again, maybe not. Maybe they are into the lifestyle, or have at least thought about it.

Do you think it would really screw you up emotionally if you happened to come across a person you'd like to start a relationship with, only to realise you don't fulfill each other sexually? Been there, done that. Ended things amicably and moved on. I don't remember any sort of emotional trauma for either of us.

The point I'm making is that to narrow down a person's field of respective partners to a small amount of known lifestylers is retro-active. Again, my advice is to ask away and see what they think. How and when is up to nytemist.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

When looking for a potential significant other, how do you tell them of your BDSM interests? Or do you tell them? I don't mean net dating...that's different, especially if you're on a fetish site. I mean meeting new people in real life, getting to know them, etc...just old-fashioned dating.
.....
Sorry for the novel. I'm probably just thinking too much, like I always do. But I was just wondering how those of you who are single approach the subject when you're out dating, meeting people, etc.

Thanks.

Hi nytemist, welcome to the chaos and confusion that is Literotica.

In my personal experience, getting attached in a relationship with a perfectly wonderful person who is NOT in the least bit interested in matching your kinky needs and interests is a serious waste of time, effort, energy and emotions, on the part of both parties. 15 years of marriage went down the tubes when I could no longer pretend to be vanilla and maintain any semblance of sanity. My wife absolutely balked at the kink and it was "game over".

But _my_ experience is not the only experience. Others have broached the kinky needs and desires in their hearts with their partners and found someone who was indeed their soulmate, the mythical "one" many are searching for. Like most things in life, broaching the subject is a crap-shoot. You place your bet, roll the dice and see what happens. It is a risk you will have to take with a partner or potential partner at some point in your journey together.

My suggestion would be this:

Bring the subject up in a non-threatening way. Use a movie you have watched together, something like "9-1/2 Weeks" or "Wild Orchids" or "Secretary"... use a book like "Kushiel's Dart" or any of Laurell K. Hamilton's Merry Gentry series... Use a TV show like "Big Love" or the CSI episodes with Mistress Heather or even commercials/advertisements that are specifically kinky like the Altoid's leatherman ad, or Ikea's commercial with the peeping neighbors seeing a spanking scene, or the Cooper Mini Canadian web site ad "Dominate Winter" (http://www.mini.ca/en/More_MINI/MINIfun/default.aspx, and click on the Dominate Winter Link. OMG, this is a GREAT ad!) as a way to broach the subject.

You can make statements about your own reactions "Hey, that was kinda hot." or "Wow, that looks like fun" and gauge your partner's reactions. You can ask them about their reactions or feelings. Be open, but don't try to pressure. Many people are unsure of their own feelings about kink, or at least unsure about revealing their interest to someone else, so be sure to make your own attitude as accepting/curious/okay with it, without being to much "Rah-rah-rah, I'm pervert, lets get kinky!"

Here are a couple of good resources you might want to pursue to get more information on the subject of how to talk to a person about your kink:

When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt, available directly from http://www.greenerypress.com
Sound Bites for the SM-Leather-Fetish Community from NCSF http://www.ncsfreedom.org/library/smsoundbites.htm
"What is S/M?" from NCSF http://www.ncsfreedom.org/library/whatissm/index.htm

Hope these ideas help!

 

[SpectreT]

What Evil_Geoff said. And remember, there are still a few people out there for whom this would be a big turn-on, they just haven't been exposed to it yet. You've just got to ease into it. It's touchy territory, and heck, they might have the exact same worries as you. You owe it to yourself and them to at least probe around, guage reactions, see if maybe it'll work.

 

[SweetDommes]

Both of the guys that I met who were interested in me were told before the first date what a relationship with me would require. I didn't want to get too attached to either of them and then freak them out when they found out. I figured if they were going to run, they needed to do it before we got involved.

Neither of them ran, but I wish now that they had LOL

 

[Ebonyfire]

Neither of them ran, but I wish now that they had LOL

Oh yeah! I can identify and testify!!!

Eb

 

[SweetDommes]

AAAHHHH!!!!!! EB IS BACK!!!!!

hi LOL

 

[Ebonyfire]

AAAHHHH!!!!!! EB IS BACK!!!!!

hi LOL

Hello Ladies!

 

[chris9]

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it.

To sum it up, from posters here:
For agibean it worked to meet someone 'vanilla' whom she had matching interests with and introduce him to kink, finding they have matching interests there, too.
For Catalina it worked looking among Dominants for matches both in kink and in 'vanilla' interests.
From this I conclude that both is possible. Pick the way you prefer, or use both ways.