Question for lady doms

[MzDeviancy]

Does it turn you on just to be dominating anyone, or are you actually turned on by men who like you wielding complete power over them?
It just seems really strange to me, the concept of finding a submissive man attractive (No, I don't mean that in a snotty way, I mean it in a I'm-genuinely-curious-to-know way).
Can you respect such men in relationships?

I don't really know much about BDSM. I'm just sort of popping in and out of forums. There's actually a Star Wars role-playing thread on here ; who knew?

 

[Rrrosyn]

Does it turn you on just to be dominating anyone, or are you actually turned on by men who like you wielding complete power over them?
It just seems really strange to me, the concept of finding a submissive man attractive (No, I don't mean that in a snotty way, I mean it in a I'm-genuinely-curious-to-know way).
Can you respect such men in relationships?

I don't really know much about BDSM. I'm just sort of popping in and out of forums. There's actually a Star Wars role-playing thread on here ; who knew?

Hmmm. That's a nice question. I am in a committed relationship and don't play with subs other than my fiance, so my experience is limited to him and the few former lovers I have had.

j is submissive to me. He is a leader in the workplace, though he is currently keeping his head down to keep from a promotion. He is a go-getter when it comes to his education. He is submissive to me in our home, in our interactions and naturally when it comes to sex. I have seen him cow-tow to family members, but otherwise he is a very capable and strong man.

I've never been with a wimpy submissive. In fact, the only man I've been with who could even be considered remotely weak was not submissive. And I did lose respect for him.

I need a man who can make decisions, but prefers I make them. Someone who actively seeks my approval and desires to please me through genuine love and adoration. I need him to be able to react in times of crisis and not just look to me for answers. (An example being, one time with the guy mentioned above, I was quite ill and vomitting. He just stood in the doorway asking me what to do. Hello! I'm puking, can't give orders right now. A simple thought and a wet washcloth would have sufficed, but he was truly helpless... not submissive, just helpless.)

I suppose it would depend on how submissive a man was and how you defined submissive to begin with.

 

[Netzach]

I have never been attracted to a man who didn't demonstrate that he'd submit to me on some level, who didn't give off that signal.

Not necessarily that I'm only attracted to fawning cringing guys, but I need to sense sexual penetrability, sexual yielding, someone I could make cry if I really wanted to do it, someone I can make weak with sexual abandon, highly *reactive* lovers.

 

[ghosst_K&H]

If you ever met me, you wouldn't know I was submissive, I am very outgoing, assertive, and in control of my surrondings, even when in public with my Dommes.

Just because a male is submissive, doesn't mean he's a puss, push over, or weak.

There is strength in submission, and until you share this dynamc with a submissive male, or female for that matter, I don't think you would ever understand.

 

[graceanne]

If you ever met me, you wouldn't know I was submissive, I am very outgoing, assertive, and in control of my surrondings, even when in public with my Dommes.

Just because a male is submissive, doesn't mean he's a puss, push over, or weak.

There is strength in submission, and until you share this dynamc with a submissive male, or female for that matter, I don't think you would ever understand.

Dang! There goes that illusion. *sigh*

I've noticed that wussy subs are rare and far between.

 

[Rrrosyn]

...There is strength in submission, and until you share this dynamc with a submissive male, or female for that matter, I don't think you would ever understand.

I actually have seen this. To submit to someone, especially someone who in some sense is weaker than yourself, is a very strong thing to do. I like hanging out with submissives. I find many of them quite admirable.

 

[MzDeviancy]

If you ever met me, you wouldn't know I was submissive, I am very outgoing, assertive, and in control of my surrondings, even when in public with my Dommes.

Just because a male is submissive, doesn't mean he's a puss, push over, or weak.

There is strength in submission, and until you share this dynamc with a submissive male, or female for that matter, I don't think you would ever understand.

But doesn't it feel unnatural to submit to a woman? The idea of submitting to a woman just sets my teeth on edge, and I'm a girl..

 

[jadefirefly]

Only if somewhere in your mindset, you're still of the belief that men are somehow 'supposed' to be more domineering than women. And it's entirely possible to have this belief without conciously realising it. Lots of women do, many of us are just taught that that's how things are, and most of the time it isn't even deliberate.

It's just a matter of perception.

 

[Jay Davis]

But doesn't it feel unnatural to submit to a woman? The idea of submitting to a woman just sets my teeth on edge, and I'm a girl.

Nope. It seems like the most natural thing in the world to some of us, and it doesn't feel like a compromise of our strength or masculinity, either.

You could easily make the case that Lancelot was submissive to Guinevere. It's hard to deny that Sir Francis Drake was submissive to Queen Elizabeth, at least outside the bedroom. And whether he ever boinked her or not, D'Artagnan was clearly submissive to his Queen. (Yes, I'm a bit hung up on Queen-knight/courtly love sorts of Dominance and submission, but to each his own, eh?)

Submission is about feeling a sense fulfillment and purpose in putting someone (or something) else's needs and desires above your own. Many people give themselves in submission to a noble purpose or charitable cause, rather than a person, but the sense of satisfaction they derive is much the same--the security and self-worth one can derive from living in service to something larger than oneself.

Submission can involve masochism, but it doesn't have to. Some submissives are thrilled by pain and humiliation; others can't stand them. Don't make the mistake of assuming that every male submissive is a cringing, belly-crawling sissy who wants to be beaten and insulted--some are that, but others are quite the opposite. Similarly, some Dommes prefer that sort of submissive, while others are totally turned off by them. Everyone is wired at least somewhat differently, which makes every D/s relationship unique. Not every Domme fits with every sub, or vice versa.

I sometimes see myself in a Domme/sub relationship as a thoroughbred racehorse--I might be strong and fast on my own, but with the right rider on my back, I'll be even stronger and faster. I have a healthy sense of myself when I'm not in a relationship, but when I am in a good relationship with the right sort of Domme, I become a better version of me because of how She inspires me.

Does any of that help you understand this point of view any better?

------------

Edited to insert the quote, since my comment didn't make much sense without it.

 

[ghosst_K&H]

But doesn't it feel unnatural to submit to a woman? The idea of submitting to a woman just sets my teeth on edge, and I'm a girl..

Men submit to women from the day they are born. So I don't find it unnatural at all to submit to my Dommes, as I don't precieve that men are stronger than women.

What makes YOU feel like men are superior to women, and feel the need to submit to a Man?

Physically, yes men are stronger, but women are more flexible, and have higher stress, and pain tolerances.

It seems like you have more of a same sex issue, than a Domme issue, not that this is bad, because I'd never submit to a Dom either

 

[landcruisergal]

I don't know really where to start.
My pup is my first sub and I'm the first mistress he's committed to and its been an often confusing journey for both of us.
He's a big lad, smart and hard working. A country lad, with a bit of a hero complex.
He's not your high flying exec or parliamentarian who pays to get beaten.

He's your average guy, just " one of the boys" playing pool at his local bar, or working on his car in his driveway on the weekend.
He's worked as a bouncer in a strip club and is still young enough to get drunk on a friday with his mates and stagger home at 5am with a cracked rib from a fist fight.( never his pretty face. )

I get a thrill when he offers himself to me for my amusement and pleasure.
I get a rush when he whimpers " please Mistress".
I love seeing him bound and at my mercy, knowing I can do whatever I wish to his body.
My level of arousal at his vulnerability, and his enthusiasm to please me was unexpected and intoxicating.
A friend said once, you can't take power from the powerless....
She was referring to a different type of power...
I know my pup could overpower me physically with little effort. Knowing I can control him with a word, a gesture or a look...

It's like lion training, but he does it willingly, and to me alone....wow.

 

[MzDeviancy]

Nope. It seems like the most natural thing in the world to some of us, and it doesn't feel like a compromise of our strength or masculinity, either.

You could easily make the case that Lancelot was submissive to Guinevere. It's hard to deny that Sir Francis Drake was submissive to Queen Elizabeth, at least outside the bedroom. And whether he ever boinked her or not, D'Artagnan was clearly submissive to his Queen. (Yes, I'm a bit hung up on Queen-knight/courtly love sorts of Dominance and submission, but to each his own, eh?)

Submission is about feeling a sense fulfillment and purpose in putting someone (or something) else's needs and desires above your own. Many people give themselves in submission to a noble purpose or charitable cause, rather than a person, but the sense of satisfaction they derive is much the same--the security and self-worth one can derive from living in service to something larger than oneself.

Submission can involve masochism, but it doesn't have to. Some submissives are thrilled by pain and humiliation; others can't stand them. Don't make the mistake of assuming that every male submissive is a cringing, belly-crawling sissy who wants to be beaten and insulted--some are that, but others are quite the opposite. Similarly, some Dommes prefer that sort of submissive, while others are totally turned off by them. Everyone is wired at least somewhat differently, which makes every D/s relationship unique. Not every Domme fits with every sub, or vice versa.

I sometimes see myself in a Domme/sub relationship as a thoroughbred racehorse--I might be strong and fast on my own, but with the right rider on my back, I'll be even stronger and faster. I have a healthy sense of myself when I'm not in a relationship, but when I am in a good relationship with the right sort of Domme, I become a better version of me because of how She inspires me.

Does any of that help you understand this point of view any better?

------------

Edited to insert the quote, since my comment didn't make much sense without it.

Thank you for your explanation. It does and it doesn't help. It answered a couple of questions, but gave me more.
These knights served their monarch, which is something different from meeting some lady in stilettos and serving her for pleasure. Their higher purpose I get, but what higher purpose do you feel you're serving by being ordered about by a woman in leather?
Which calls to mind another question. You pointed out that not all subs like to be beaten or humiliated. What else do you guys do then? Fetch things? Just let her be in charge of sex?
How does serving her make you any better? Unless she's ordering you to go feed the homeless and fight injustice, what nobility/strength is gained by being submissive to her?

 

[Netzach]

Thank you for your explanation. It does and it doesn't help. It answered a couple of questions, but gave me more.
These knights served their monarch, which is something different from meeting some lady in stilettos and serving her for pleasure. Their higher purpose I get, but what higher purpose do you feel you're serving by being ordered about by a woman in leather?
Which calls to mind another question. You pointed out that not all subs like to be beaten or humiliated. What else do you guys do then? Fetch things? Just let her be in charge of sex?
How does serving her make you any better? Unless she's ordering you to go feed the homeless and fight injustice, what nobility/strength is gained by being submissive to her?

I can't fathom letting some dick order me about personally, for any reason, and getting something out of it.

 

[jadefirefly]

Which calls to mind another question. You pointed out that not all subs like to be beaten or humiliated. What else do you guys do then? Fetch things? Just let her be in charge of sex?
How does serving her make you any better? Unless she's ordering you to go feed the homeless and fight injustice, what nobility/strength is gained by being submissive to her?

I'm going to make the leap that these last questions -can- apply to both females and males.

I rarely like to be beaten, and most days am not really up for humiliation. There are other aspects, though, of BDSM, and just a quick skim through the forum can introduce you to many of them.

There's something that's difficult to describe to someone who isn't of like mind, about allowing someone else to control you, when you don't -have- to let them, and instead choose to. And I think that 'something' is the same no matter what gender you are, or what gender you submit to. Maybe someone can describe it better than I can, but the important bit is that not all submitting involves beating or humiliation.

 

[Arioso]

I sometimes see myself in a Domme/sub relationship as a thoroughbred racehorse--I might be strong and fast on my own, but with the right rider on my back, I'll be even stronger and faster. I have a healthy sense of myself when I'm not in a relationship, but when I am in a good relationship with the right sort of Domme, I become a better version of me because of how She inspires me.

Your analogy really struck a chord with me, and I wondered if I might ask you for examples of things She does that help inspire you, and make you feel like your strengths are further enhanced. I am no Domme at all, but my husband does behave submissively toward me; what you said about becoming a better version of oneself definitely sounds like a good relationship. So, if it isn't too personal and you're willing to share, I would appreciate hearing from you some of the things your Domme does to bring out the better you...I'm hoping to poach a little

Many thanks,
Arioso

 

[subbie_333]

Thank you for your explanation. It does and it doesn't help. It answered a couple of questions, but gave me more.
These knights served their monarch, which is something different from meeting some lady in stilettos and serving her for pleasure. Their higher purpose I get, but what higher purpose do you feel you're serving by being ordered about by a woman in leather?
Which calls to mind another question. You pointed out that not all subs like to be beaten or humiliated. What else do you guys do then? Fetch things? Just let her be in charge of sex?
How does serving her make you any better? Unless she's ordering you to go feed the homeless and fight injustice, what nobility/strength is gained by being submissive to her?

i don't have a perfect answer to these questions. i have thought about why i don't (since some Dommes seem to want to know a good answer before you can serve Them), and, don't have a good answer to that either. But, i will pass along some thoughts.

On one level, understanding why some people prefer submission (or dominance) as a basis for relationships is kinda like understanding why some people like to do extreme sports for relaxation while others prefer walks or reading. Basically, it is just the way people are "wired". Apparently different activities (and perhaps their relationship to memories and experiences) trigger chemicals released in the body and/or brain (adrenaline, dopamine, endorphins, etc.). Different people like and dislike those feelings in their bodies, somewhat like why different people like and dislike the feeling of illegal drugs.

On another level, there is the aspect of pleasing one's partner. Some people believe in the "opposites attract" theory. But, bottom line, it is about meeting each other's needs (not wants - that is something different). Some people get a kick out of seeing their partner happy, especially if it is because of things they said or did. So, as long as this arrangement is consensual and not destructive, doesn't that make it a good relationship? What works for some people doesn't work for others.

Another level can be labeled as "preference". Some men prefer blondes, others redheads. Some women prefer bad boys, while others prefer geeks. There may not be any rational explanation for it, but, one gravitates towards a specific type. If it helps a person to be happier in their life, isn't that a good thing? As long as this preference doesn't harm others or themselves, what difference does it make?

Lastly, some people look for relationships to help make them a 'better person". People have different definitions of what that is.

There are plenty of things that i don't understand about other people. As long as it doesn't violate anybody's rights, it's OK with me.


subbie_333

 

[Rrrosyn]

Thank you for your explanation. It does and it doesn't help. It answered a couple of questions, but gave me more.
These knights served their monarch, which is something different from meeting some lady in stilettos and serving her for pleasure. Their higher purpose I get, but what higher purpose do you feel you're serving by being ordered about by a woman in leather?
Which calls to mind another question. You pointed out that not all subs like to be beaten or humiliated. What else do you guys do then? Fetch things? Just let her be in charge of sex?
How does serving her make you any better? Unless she's ordering you to go feed the homeless and fight injustice, what nobility/strength is gained by being submissive to her?

I often feel uncomfortable on those boards because we do not participate in the beatings and humilations to the levels I see shared here. Beyond paddling and some mild bondage, which we only practice occasionally, we're basically just in a D/s relationship without the BD/SM.

I don't wear leather. I think I have been in my patent bustier three times since I bought it 4 years ago. In fact, I usually am in a lounging dress. Nothing sexy, sultry or even remotely attractive. (Okay, so we've learned I am bi and wouldn't go for myself.)

Yes, j fetches quite nicely. He rubs my feet. Bathes me. Dresses me. Undresses me. Does chores. Not all the chores, he has school and work. I can do some stuff. We are definately into orgasm control. It's mine. He doesn't touch except for urination and bathing. He breaks that rule and he'll be in a chastity device. He knows it. (And he is horrible about lying to me, just breaks down crying for forgiveness over the littlest things, so I would know.) One day he didn't ask how my day was when I picked him up from school... and he was denied orgasm for two weeks. Just for being selfish. He's not selfish anymore.

Why does someone have to be made better? Can we even define being a better person? Better than whose ideal?

I know my influence has made j start college. Something he'd never have considered. He's not weak. He's a wiry geek who has worked in everything from fast food to construction. He loves me and his submission is a gift to me. I take care of him, hold him, comfort, love, encourage and adore him. But he does a lot of taking care of me too. It's a relationship, afterall.

Is there no nobility in love itself? In complete devotion to another person's needs and desires? I may not be queen of some nation, but I am his Queen. Why does there need to be more than that? How can there be anything more noble devout love?

 

[ladyscottishwhore]

that is the way it is with my sub any home he is very submissive but when we are out and about he is very strong and in controll of our seroundings

 

[amadaun]

Thank you for your explanation. It does and it doesn't help. It answered a couple of questions, but gave me more.
These knights served their monarch, which is something different from meeting some lady in stilettos and serving her for pleasure. Their higher purpose I get, but what higher purpose do you feel you're serving by being ordered about by a woman in leather?
Which calls to mind another question. You pointed out that not all subs like to be beaten or humiliated. What else do you guys do then? Fetch things? Just let her be in charge of sex?
How does serving her make you any better? Unless she's ordering you to go feed the homeless and fight injustice, what nobility/strength is gained by being submissive to her?

Well, I don't know. What's the higher purpose of playing video games? Why would anyone want to memorize entire episodes of Firefly? How could anyone possibly find meaning through doing drugs? It sounds kind of silly when you put it that way... obviously, the correct answer is "because the people involved find it pleasurable". Why should there have to be a higher purpose? We certainly don't expect there to be one for vanilla fucking. As with most things, though, those who enjoy it sometimes like to take their own enjoyment seriously, and that's not illegitimate. Sure, there's beauty in submission. There's beauty in lots of things I enjoy, it's other people who choose not to take it seriously.

 

[wouldloveto]

But doesn't it feel unnatural to submit to a woman? The idea of submitting to a woman just sets my teeth on edge, and I'm a girl..

Wow! I am sure that you just do not understand. I am a dominant man in real life (my job demands it), and for most of my life in relationships I have tended toward dominant. (mostly vanilla until recently)

Now, I have some experience on top, and very limited experience on the bottom. I seek to submit to the right woman, and it is, in my mind, the greatest form of respect, not a sign of weakness.