Question for Doms

[GobletHolly182]

What do you do if your sub expresses a heartfelt opinion on a controversial real life topic and you find their opinion both disgusting and appallingly ignorant?

I don't want to go into too much detail on the actual situation behind this question, because I don't want to start a debate on the controversial topic at hand. It could be anything. The point is, obviously differences in world views are tough challenges for any vanilla relationship (sexual or not!) to navigate, but within a BDSM context, isn't it tempting to assert your 'Master' status and inform the sub that they WILL rethink that opinion and WON'T indulge in any further hate speech or blatant bigotry?

I suppose the answer is going to be 'it depends on the vagaries of each unique D/s relationship'. But would be curious to hear some accounts from people who have been faced with this situation. Thanks!

 

[midwestyankee]

I would never, ever get into a relationship with someone who was incapable of reversing ignorance, which is completely curable given some learning. Now, if by ignorance you really mean stupid and unwilling to change, then the answer is simple: run, don't walk, and get the hell away.

If, on the third hand, you really mean "a belief with which I am incapable of sympathizing because it is odious to me, but not because it is inherently vile and inhumane (i.e., a political or religious belief rather than a belief that all left-handed people are sinister and should be subject to immediate capital punishment), then that's a different matter altogether. Two people of differing belief sets can have quite marvelous relationships so long as both can and do respect the other's beliefs.

If your partner has truly firmly held beliefs that are not subject to education (i.e., matters of faith), no amount of your mystical dominance powers will change them.

Note that "hate speech" and "bigotry" are often in the eyes of the beholder, so my answer extends beyond what I think of those categories to see where your thinking lies.

 

[FaithfulPrimros]

I would never, ever get into a relationship with someone who was incapable of reversing ignorance, which is completely curable given some learning. Now, if by ignorance you really mean stupid and unwilling to change, then the answer is simple: run, don't walk, and get the hell away.

If, on the third hand, you really mean "a belief with which I am incapable of sympathizing because it is odious to me, but not because it is inherently vile and inhumane (i.e., a political or religious belief rather than a belief that all left-handed people are sinister and should be subject to immediate capital punishment), then that's a different matter altogether. Two people of differing belief sets can have quite marvelous relationships so long as both can and do respect the other's beliefs.

Agreed. DH and I have quite different beliefs on a lot of things, but both of our opinions on controversial political and social issues stem from a combination of life experience and years of education. I would never consider ending our relationship because he and I share a differing opinion on how to fix the welfare system, for example.

However, I could never and would never be in a relationship with a bigot or someone blinded by ignorance. This includes primarily racists, sexists (anti-feminists), and homophobes, but really could be any number of things.

 

[Stella_Omega]

...isn't it tempting to assert your 'Master' status and inform the sub that they WILL rethink that opinion and WON'T indulge in any further hate speech or blatant bigotry?

If sub didn't change by one method or another, we would be saying buh-bye.

So, if I thought that would work? Absolutely.

DO I think that would work? Probably not. But if I thought it would-- hellz to the yez.

 

[Micklesko]

That is why I spent a year in daily communication of 4-6 hrs or more with my sub/slave.
The purpose was to cover ever subject possible which was of import to me and her; making sure we were on the same page.
There must be dedicated communication with each other before going into a relationship of this type, in order to avoid the very situation that you have brought up.
There is no substitute for time and direct communication; asking questions of each other and being totally open and honest with each other, without holding back anything. Being truthful and honest is a foundation of any good relationship and without it it leaves that relationship extremely vulnerable. Just like in the question you posed, when ALL the critical bases are not covered ahead of time and worked out before making Permanent Commitments to each other, then problems will always arise that can threaten the very stability of the relationship.

 

[GobletHolly182]

Yikes, guys! Thanks for the input. Stella, my gut says that you are right - it wouldn't work. Boo.

 

[Scotsman69]

If dom and sub are so far apart that one holds views the other finds unpleasant (whichever way round it is), they hardly have the basis for an enduring relationship.

 

[mediocre]

...belief that all left-handed people are sinister and should be subject to immediate capital punishment...

Hear hear. Finally someone of similar beliefs...wait, I'm left handed.











Never mind.

 

[Etoile]

That is why I spent a year in daily communication of 4-6 hrs or more with my sub/slave.
The purpose was to cover ever subject possible which was of import to me and her; making sure we were on the same page.

4-6 hours a day, every day, for a YEAR??

I would have run out of things to talk about after, maybe, a month.

 

[Stella_Omega]

4-6 hours a day, every day, for a YEAR??

I would have run out of things to talk about after, maybe, a month.

It takes longer if one or both partners are gagged.

 

[knot_sweet]

If dom and sub are so far apart that one holds views the other finds unpleasant (whichever way round it is), they hardly have the basis for an enduring relationship.

^^^^^^^^
This

With the added statement that using your status as the dominant party to try and enforce your belief on your sub is a repugnant idea and an abhorrent act.

People are free to believe whatever they choose.

If you find someone's beliefs intolerable, don't associate with them.

But no-one has the right to enforce beliefs. NO-ONE.

 

[Netzach]

What if that's your idea of fun?

One of the things I've gotten to do, tongue in cheek only halfway is "re-education" for right wing guys.

I don't know if MAKING someone write "Paul Krugman is right" 500 times is actually changing them to believe that, but it will do something to their thought patterns.

 

[Stella_Omega]

^^^^^^^^
This

With the added statement that using your status as the dominant party to try and enforce your belief on your sub is a repugnant idea and an abhorrent act.

People are free to believe whatever they choose.

If you find someone's beliefs intolerable, don't associate with them.

But no-one has the right to enforce beliefs. NO-ONE.

I'm gonna disagree with the vehemence of this post, at least. People kind of don't have the right to believe certain things. And one of the things they don't have the right to believe is that their beliefs will always go unchallenged and approved of.

I'm thinking that if my Dominance extended this far, I would require my right-wing sub to do some educational research. I would see if they can moderate their beliefs via up close experience. I've seen it happen sometimes-- people who oppose, say, same sex marriage rights suddenly understand the issue when they realise their daughter is a lesbian and wants to marry her partner.

 

[subwannabe]

I say find a sub who shares similar views. As a dom I don't believe you have the right to question or change someone's views on certain subjects, such as politics. What makes you think that you are right, and your sub is ignorant? Could be the other way around. Just because you are a dom doesn't mean you are right about everything.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I say find a sub who shares similar views. As a dom I don't believe you have the right to question or change someone's views on certain subjects, such as politics. What makes you think that you are right, and your sub is ignorant? Could be the other way around. Just because you are a dom doesn't mean you are right about everything.

As anyone--as a fellow citizen-- you have not only the right but the civic duty to question other people's views. Doesn't mean you'll change them, of course. But politics concerns all of us. it's not religion, which is personal to the believer-- or should be, anyway, unless someone's religion spills over into their politics.

I wouldn't bother doing it because I cannot imagine spending love-time with someone who hated the things I stand for. I don't do 'fixer-uppers' in my relationships.