question for any and all

[dirtyltlsecret]

Hello everyone! I'm Kyle, and I'm new here, so I thought I'd pop in and say hello, and ask a question like the topic implies. I'm fairly sure I'm gay, and I'm also "necessarily closeted." The culture I'm involved in believes that people like me don't exist, and my parents are, ah, old fashioned. So, my question is:

How do I find someone special, who is sensitive to those of us who are closeted by necessity?

I'm totally new to the dating scene. I've never had a significant other of either sex. The only time I was ever kissed was ruined by him trying to ruin me with the aforementioned culture and parents.

There, I think I've dumped enough information on you! Sorry if that's a total sapfest, but I've been dying to tell someone that,

Thanks in advance!

-Kyle

 

[Big_James]

I was in your situation and it made it hard for me to find somebody, because most of the guys I was attracted to, were of the belief that I needed to come out and accept who I was.

It wasnt that I didnt accept who I was, it was just that due to growing up in a Christian family, I knew they wouldnt approve.

But, I finally bit the bullet and came out to my parents and they were ok with it. They were a little shocked at first, but they accepted my decision and have given me nothing but support.

In closing, do what you feel is best for you, but you may find things different than what you assume will happen if you do come out.

I dont know if any of the things I have said helps, but this is what happened to me.

 

[dirtyltlsecret]

your words are helpful to me, James, and I appreciate them.

I know my mother would be supportive, though she'd think I was nuts, but it's my father that I don't know about. He used to be a great guy, but now all he ever does is curse at the TV, at whatever strikes him as unfair, whatever. I don't know him anymore, so I kinda fear him in that aspect.

as for accepting myself, well, I do. I know that this is who I am, and not much is going to change it. I just don't know if I can come out of the closet. I stand to lose most of my friends if I do. And I don't want to lose the few I have. So, I guess I'm a classic closet case,

 

[none2_none2]

your words are helpful to me, James, and I appreciate them.

I know my mother would be supportive, though she'd think I was nuts, but it's my father that I don't know about. He used to be a great guy, but now all he ever does is curse at the TV, at whatever strikes him as unfair, whatever. I don't know him anymore, so I kinda fear him in that aspect.

as for accepting myself, well, I do. I know that this is who I am, and not much is going to change it. I just don't know if I can come out of the closet. I stand to lose most of my friends if I do. And I don't want to lose the few I have. So, I guess I'm a classic closet case,

For what it's worth, I never understood the big thing about coming out. All you are does is exchange one set of stereotypes for another. Lots of times when i have been around 100% out gay guys, I couldn't relate lots of times to them. All of a sudden in groups where it was known as gay, there were preconceptions of what I felt emotionally, sexually, spiritually, politically, etc. They were just as much off the mark as when I was in groups that assumed I was straight. I'm ME, not some label -- regardless of what that label is.

Many of the times I've WANTED to come out was when I was angry - just as many of those times where from stupid comments from other gays as much as it was stupid straight people. I get most incensed about thos gays who think just because they are out that they are better than everybody else and that because they are out they represent what we ALL stand for...

That all being said, I know it is more difficult for young guys like yourself to find a partner. For me I spent years doing the sex scenes because that was the only way I thought you could meet other guys who were interested. I wasn't into the whole bar scene as I don't drink, don't smoke, don't like loud music. Plus I can only stand and pose for a minute, then I either want something to read. Unfortunately, most bars aren't lit well enough for you to read a book. I also don't care for drag shows. It doesn't bother me anymore, but I used to resent them because being raised mainly by my grandmother I resented the mocking of the opposite sex. To me it was the same as if a white person puts on a black face and starts stereotyping blacks. For whatever reasons, most women -- straight or lesbians don't find it offensive, so I decided if it doesnt' bother them it shouldn't bother me.

Your generation has a lot more options (assuming you aren't in a rural area hundreds of miles from a town of any size. There is the internet, there are gay groups that specifically do "stuff" other than drinking/drugs & sex. There are gay religious groups, gay travel groups, gay event groups (running, biking, camping, etc..), gay choirs/choruses, etc. Some of them are very much into making a big deal about being out and gay, but there are plenty that have an interest and they just want other gays that have similar interests -- regardless of politics.

Wherever you are in life, just know that you aren't alone. There are other guys your age in the same boat. The thing you have to keep in mind about the closet is just how far you are willing to care about someone else and how far that other person is willing to care about you. If you think you are falling in love with someone you need to work these things out. You don't want to fall in love with someone who's comfort level is a lot different than yours. Otherwise, your closet may become larger than your love life.

Finally, if you are new to all this, try to find someone who is coming from where you are. There are plenty of experienced gays who will claim to care about you, but they are more interested in scoring with a new (and/or young) gay guy. Make sure the people you chose to date or have sex with respect your boundries. If they don't, then you know they really don't care about you.

 

[dirtyltlsecret]

none2_none2,

thank you for your reply. Those are very reassuring and wise words, and believe me, I don't wish to be taken advantage of, as you have said many will want to. I've already been taken for an emotional ride or two, not fun. So, I will be looking out for that.

on your suggestion of groups and whatnot, do you have any ideas as to how to find them? I'm absolutely clueless as to where to look. As I hinted at, I've been a homeschool/church brat most of my life, and never knew where to look for the information. I'm not totally rural, and yet I am, if you understand my meaning. Living within 20 miles of Tampa helps, though.

Thanks so much for your help so far. I'd hug you if I could reach you from here,

 

[none2_none2]

none2_none2,

thank you for your reply. Those are very reassuring and wise words, and believe me, I don't wish to be taken advantage of, as you have said many will want to. I've already been taken for an emotional ride or two, not fun. So, I will be looking out for that.

on your suggestion of groups and whatnot, do you have any ideas as to how to find them? I'm absolutely clueless as to where to look. As I hinted at, I've been a homeschool/church brat most of my life, and never knew where to look for the information. I'm not totally rural, and yet I am, if you understand my meaning. Living within 20 miles of Tampa helps, though.

Thanks so much for your help so far. I'd hug you if I could reach you from here,

Well I'm sure you can google and find something additional, but here is one thing I found:

http://www.gaytampa.com/

Some under that which stood out were some such as:
a boat & scuba club, Front runners (done that here and it is pretty safe if you like to run), skating, raquetball, bowling. There is also a band and a chorus, but keep in mind if they do PUBLIC concerts you may not be ready for that level of exposure.

There is also some listings under religion if you are a church going person.

I don't know your interests, but at least these have quit a bit of variety. I noticed that there was a whole lot of social groups. Personally, some of them didn't impress me. One was nude socalizing & another one was nude camping. I'm not trying to be a "daddy", but I wouldn't recommend them if you are trying to meet people as friends first. It isn't anything about being a prude, but lets face it why do a bunch of guys want to be in the nude? It is to check each other out and any guy who wants to say otherwise is either blind or has very low levels of testostrone. To make friends or potential dates it IS better to get to know their head in between their shoulders before their head between their legs. Trust me that you may not think you have the greatest body -- most of us go through that stage. Unless you have some disfiguring desease, they will be crawling all over "new meat" so to speak. You'll think they like you for who they are, but that isn't where their minds are. I'm not saying you have to meet all your friends and potential boyfriends dressed like a victorian era monk (after all you DO live in Florida land of sun and surf), but just understand that sexuality is a very STRONG force which will affect you as well as others around you.

FYI, I have never resented the fact that I have always wanted a man's love and desired his body. I do resent the years I spent looking for all that in the wrong places. Not because I will burn in hell for my desires, but that there were so many done for all the wrong reasons. I mistook intensity of the moment for intimacy with another guy. They aren't the same thing. I have been with my guy now for over 4 years (Labor Day was our 4th Anniversary). Neither one of us is that out, but we are happy together. We probably should get out more to gay things -- or for that matter any social things, but we both tend to be very busy with stuff. I mention this so you realize that there are people who aren't completely out that can meet up and settle down together.

 

[dirtyltlsecret]

Thank you, none2_none2. I appreciate it.

Google wasn't much help before, and I had been to GayTampa.com, but it looks like they recently updated. This info is new to me. And, while I'm not big on going "public" like in a chorus or drama, there are a lot of places I could try. And, if all else fails, I'm a good baritone. Church is good for something,

I looked at the social clubs too, and I don't mind if you act like a "daddy," , I really understand the reason why. I don't want people crawling all over me just because I'm new meat. When the time is right, I want someone crawling all over me for the right reasons, not the wrong ones. I was never really sex-hungry, but intimacy-hungry.

Thanks for your FYI. I can say that I have resented my sexuality in the past. But not anymore. I can't change who I am. And I'm ok with that now. And, thank you for your story. It reassures me that what I want is possible.