Question, feedback is fine

[emap]

I started doing a series about a vampire, never call them that, living dead or one of us is what I use. Anyway it's being read and some votes, no feedback really. I'm wondering if I should keep going or not, it's at a good spot now I think though there is more I could do.

Here is a link to the first story in the series in case you haven't read it. http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=451477

 

[PacoFear]

Hi emap,

I do like the vampy-vamp stories, but I clicked away from yours after 3 paragraphs I'm afraid. It needs editing. There's a major shortage of punctuation. Commas are open to interpretation but periods less so. It reads to me like an IM.

If you haven't read your story in awhile, read it again. That stuff should jump out at you. Failing that, pop over to the Editor's Forum and ask the nice folks there for their services. Or leave it as it is. It's yours after all.

-PF

 

[emap]

Well that is the funny part actually, the first one I had an editor for. If you skip to the second it might get better.

 

[sr71plt]

I looked at this, intrigued by PacoFear's comment. And I agree I wouldn’t have read past the first paragraph—of either of the first two stories—because of the intrusiveness of the punctuation/grammatical mistakes. It would be just too hard of a chug to stick with it.

If you truly had someone claiming to be an editor work on the first story and you accepted their edits, that person lied about their editing proficiency, I’m afraid to report.

I didn’t consider responding to the poll and commenting on that aspect beforehand, because I don’t think that posting chapters without having written it all turns out a good, tight story hardly ever or that posting chapters with long gaps between postings is either fair or attractive to readers.


Original of opening paragraph of story one:

Fresh from the grave, sounds like something someone would tell a necrophilia lover doesn't it. Well if you happen to be one sorry but I am and I'm moving, well sitting, darn taxis never give you any room to stretch out anymore.


Grammatical version of opening paragraph:

“Fresh from the grave” sounds like something someone would tell a necrophilia lover, doesn’t it? Well, if you happen to be one, sorry, but I am, and I’m moving, well sitting; darn taxis never give you any room to stretch out anymore.

Beyond the punctuation issues, the second sentences doesn’t make much sense.

The second story isn’t much better.

Original of opening paragraph of story two:

I awaken to a mostly empty bed, it's only occupant is myself of course I did not roll off in my sleep. I sit up and look around, my companion is gone, his name eluding me at the moment, not in the kitchen I walk into the bathroom to find it is likewise empty. Looking at my reflection I find my hair is a mess I pick up the brush glad that little myth is wrong. I giggle as I think of one thing, if one cannot see oneself in the mirror, how does one have good hair.

Grammatical version of the paragraph:

I awaken to a mostly empty bed. Its only occupant is me. Of course,[Why “of course”?] I didn’t roll off in my sleep. I sit up and look around. My companion is gone, his name eluding me at the moment. Not in the kitchen. I walk into the bathroom to find it is likewise empty. Looking at my reflection, I find my hair is a mess. I pick up the brush, glad that little myth is wrong. I giggle as I think of one thing: if you can't see yourself in the mirror, how can you have good hair?

I wouldn't really suggest finding an editor for these. I'd suggest dropping back ten yards and taking some grammar courses before writing for others to read. In the long run, it will serve you well.