Question about Trust.. and Broken trust

[svb1972]

I have a pretty important question, for both the experienced doms.. and also probably the subs.

I am in a very intense loving relationship with a woman.. We're exploring the D/s lifestyle.. though there's alot of complicatiosn I won't go into right now. Lets just say.. we don't live together.. and most likely never will. That being said..

in a scene last night.. I broke her trust without realizing it. I put her in a very vulnerable spot.. emotionally.. and then.. with a thoughtless set of words.. hurt her more deeply than I've ever hurt anyone in my entire life. It was.. a mistake, and not intentional.. if I had realized what I was saying would hurt her so much.. I would not have. Sadly, it didn't occur to her to code.. before the damage was done, and I totally missed.. and whats' worse.. I misinterpreted what I did wrong.. and made things worse.. later on. We're talking.. and trying to figure things out.. but she's very hurt.. I don't blame her.. and i feel pretty bad about myself.

My question is.. I can't imagine I'm the first person to ever do this.. and I'm looking for.. how people delt with this.. both successfully and not successfully.. How, has a dom.. do you make up for such a massive mistep?

sabs

 

[SueJ]

if I had realized what I was saying would hurt her so much.. I would not have. Sadly, it didn't occur to her to code.. before the damage was done, and I totally missed.. and whats' worse.. I misinterpreted what I did wrong.. and made things worse.. later on. We're talking.. and trying to figure things out.. but she's very hurt.. I don't blame her.. and i feel pretty bad about myself.

My question is.. I can't imagine I'm the first person to ever do this.. and I'm looking for.. how people delt with this.. both successfully and not successfully.. How, has a dom.. do you make up for such a massive mistep?

sabs

Speaking as a sub....

I can only guess that all of us here in this particular forum have been there on one side of the fence or the other. Don't forget that in many cases, we're playing up to our limits....and sometimes beyond. Sometimes a limit smacks you in the face before you even knew it was there, and then the damage is already done to both parties.

Forgive yourself. And know that the way you're talking and trying to figure things out is exactly the right way to learn about each other's limits and how to deal with it. It probably won't be the last time that you're faced with this situation, so learning how to work through it is extremely important.

Even my husband and I, after 21 years together, have a Crash 'n Burn once in awhile. Communication, communication, and more communication. It's really tough on the sub. But when the Dom is caring like you are, it's very guilt-producing to the Dom, and that's painful too. That's a good thing. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be hurting; surely that says a lot to her as well, and next time will go better.

Sue

 

[Guest]

I have a pretty important question, for both the experienced doms.. and also probably the subs.

I am in a very intense loving relationship with a woman.. We're exploring the D/s lifestyle.. though there's alot of complicatiosn I won't go into right now. Lets just say.. we don't live together.. and most likely never will. That being said..

in a scene last night.. I broke her trust without realizing it. I put her in a very vulnerable spot.. emotionally.. and then.. with a thoughtless set of words.. hurt her more deeply than I've ever hurt anyone in my entire life. It was.. a mistake, and not intentional.. if I had realized what I was saying would hurt her so much.. I would not have. Sadly, it didn't occur to her to code.. before the damage was done, and I totally missed.. and whats' worse.. I misinterpreted what I did wrong.. and made things worse.. later on. We're talking.. and trying to figure things out.. but she's very hurt.. I don't blame her.. and i feel pretty bad about myself.

My question is.. I can't imagine I'm the first person to ever do this.. and I'm looking for.. how people delt with this.. both successfully and not successfully.. How, has a dom.. do you make up for such a massive mistep?

sabs

Sounds like it's time for the massive sit down conversation for you two..
Topic: In BDSM, sometimes things happen..To anyone.
Subtopic: Why your mind reading talent was not operational at that moment..
No offense to either of you..But if those little concepts can't be understood and accepted.. Then it may be time to find a different mode of expression..
Yah know?

 

[princess4u]

i have been a new D/s relationship for a few months - we are very much still learning each other

in a session a few weeks ago, i was laying in his arms (i'm the sub btw) and he was squeezing my nipple very hard - and that breast was particularly tender that day for another reason - i try very hard to expand my limits and endure what he would like and therefore i hate to use the safe word

it was hurting really bad and i said something like, "stop, stop, stop" - he stopped and looked at me and asked "do you want me to let you go?" - when i said yes he completely let go of me and rolled off to the other side of the bed

i was really hurt because he knew my breast was tender that day and he pushed me beyond what he knew i could endure and then he turned away from me - for me, his turning away from me in my need cut me to the quick - i had pretty much reached my sub space and coming down alone was terrible - and i thought unforgiveable - i determined in my mind that it was the end for us

a short while later i noticed he was sulking a bit - he did something that i have since come to love - he knew there was something that needed talking about - he sat me down in a kitchen-type chair and he sat in one facing me - very close - he put my legs up over his thighs and then pulled me closer - he lifted my chin with his hand and made me look into his eyes - he didn't have to say a word

i immediately told him how he had hurt me - he told me that he was hurt too b/c he thought i meant for him to let me go completely when all i meant was to let go of my nipple - miscommunication

anyway, the point is that it takes giving on both parts - there are always going to be things to overcome - someone is going to get hurt unintentionally from time to time and i think the key is being able to communicate the hurt - i have found when i verbalize it, it is easier for me to let to go of it

 

[Marquis]

This is totally normal.

All either of you can ever expect from the other is to try. Given that, many limits are set by factors outside an individual's control.

Spend some time not only figuring out what went wrong on your behalf, but reinforcing the idea in her that is OK to safeword and it is OK to realize you're in over your head.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

If I've learned one thing well, it's that it's from the hurt that true feelings come out.

 

[FungiUg]

In a relationship where you are deliberately pushing boundaries, things like this are going to happen. Guaranteed. I imagine that this is an issue every BDSM-style relationship has had to deal with, and one many non-BDSM relationships have had to deal with also.

I have two recommendations. Firstly, don't think you are infallible, and don't allow your submissive to think so either. Allow yourself to make mistakes, and make sure you have some avenue that you can discuss mistakes openly with your submissive. The whole thrill of exploration is being able to discover new things, but no one ever guaranteed they would all be good.

That leads me into my second recommendation. Open, honest and clear communication is important to the health of ANY relationship. People are NOT mind readers. Nor are we perfect. So to get into your submissive's head, you have to get her to express what she is thinking. Similarly, for her to trust you, she has to know you understand what she is feeling. So... get talking! You can't be pushy on this one either -- don't put your words in her mouth. Find out what she really feels and thinks.

With those two, you can keep the trust levels high. Trust isn't an "on-off switch", so don't feel like you have destroyed any chance to go there again. Just talk through the issue, and keep it open and honest.

Good luck!

 

[MastrJ]

You're doing the right thing. As long as she knows that it was something that was unintentional and something you know now to look out for in the future, I think you'll be able to get past it. I had something like this happen to me in the past as well. I think what went a long way towards making my sub feel better and still feel as though she could trust me was that I honestly felt terrible for what happened. Communication is the biggest and most important part of the relationship. Use it and use it often.

 

[svb1972]

Thank you.. all.

We've slowly worked it out and come up with some ground rules.. that should help in the future..

I know.. mistakes like this are bound to happen.. but wow.. hurting someone you love that much.. just.. definitely something I want to avoid at all costs.

 

[seaMaster]

From the sounds of what you said I think you are on the road to recovery. I know that this sounds a bit old but time can heal all wounds if you truly care and learn. I know it been said a bunch but comunicate and do not forget to listen (often over looked when talking) Other than that Good luck to you and your sub in the future.

 

[princess4u]

Thank you.. all.

We've slowly worked it out and come up with some ground rules.. that should help in the future..

I know.. mistakes like this are bound to happen.. but wow.. hurting someone you love that much.. just.. definitely something I want to avoid at all costs.

>>smiling<<

don't be so hard on yourself, no one is perfect