question about titles and labels

[abbey_kyle]

OK, newbie here so please be gentle (well, not too gentle!)

I am just learning the language of the BDSM community. Language play is very important to me, more so than scene setting or attire. While I consider myself a sub, I am not sure I am comfortable with the labels of "Master" and "slave." Is this something I should adjust to? I am not sure if there is a strict protocol within BDSM and really not certain that I should ignore or omit things, such as the nomenclature. As I am beginning to look for a Dom/Domme, would I be expected to follow the titles or lables of the community?

It seems that a couple should alter variables to their needs but I don't want to nonconform in a way that would push me outside the norm (yes, I know: define norm)--I feel I just found a place for myself when I came here and certainly don't want to go back to that searching.

So what is proper etiquette? Is there a do's and don'ts that I should be aware of?

abbey

 

[lilredwolph]

personally i have never called any of my Dom's Master, Sir or Lord i have always used their proper full first name, i do not shorten the name ever, no matter what

 

[Ebonyfire]

Simply put

potential submissives owe dominants nothing more than good manners and common courtesy.

Only submissives in a some type of a relationship should have to worry about honorifics.

I allow potential subs to call me Ebony or my real name when getting to know them.

During a training period I may change that to Ma'am as things progress.

Only submissives under my protection are allowed to call me Mistress. Other dominants may do things differently.

Ebony

 

[bunny bondage]

yeah, it's really more of a personal thing. titles you use will depend on who you end up with. as for using labels here, we're totally open minded and laid back. if you're not comfortable with them, don't feel obligated to use them. and welcome! ^_^

 

[cellis]

I call Himself by his name or his first initial... both of which he likes a lot... and I am the only one to call him by his whole first name... no one else does that...

When we play I call him Master... He likes this and so do I....

Other times I might call Him Himself and this makes him laugh...

That is just what works for us.

 

[Goddess Helena]

Re: Simply put

I agree with Ebony.
Abbey_kyle, as long as you are polite and follow the lead of the people around you, you will do fine.
Regarding titles in the context of a relationship, I think it is up to the people in that relationship. I think that pet names and titles should be sign of respect and affection.
Welcome to lit, btw.


Helena

 

[Mr Wolf]

Much of the same really, my personal preference is to be called Sir but only by the person I'm with. Other than that I would expect to be treated the same as you would treat anyone else.

 

[SexyChele]

Hi and welcome, abbey!

I think you are seeing a consensus here, no? I have been in chatrooms where the subs are expected to call Doms "Sir" or "Ma'am". I try to be respectful and polite, but do not feel I owe a title to a Dom unless we have a relationship established.

 

[Justina123]

One more $.02

As everyone else has said, there is tons of variation in this one.

My Dominant likes me to call him "Sir" whenever answering a direct question, otherwise I just use his name. We regularly attend good-sized play parties at the home of a friend who has quite a large dungeon in his attic, and when there the norm is generally to use "sir" and "ma'am" with all the known Dom/mes, just out of politeness.

I personally like the use of titles and, I guess you would say, exaggerated politeness between doms and subs, but this is just a personal preference. I get so turned on in atmospheres where I can kneel at Sir's feet during the party, must ask permission to do things, have my collar & lead on, etc. Oh gosh, better stop or I'll get to feeling wistful....

-justina

 

[Ricckk]

Re: Simply put

potential submissives owe dominants nothing more than good manners and common courtesy.

I agree.

Personally, I find calling oneself or expecting to be addressed as "Master" to be arrogant and self-important. If the term is used to note "ownership", allegiance or obedience (as in a relationship) it takes on a completely different and wonderful meaning.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Simply put

I agree.

Personally, I find calling oneself or expecting to be addressed as "Master" to be arrogant and self-important. If the term is used to note "ownership", allegiance or obedience (as in a relationship) it takes on a completely different and wonderful meaning.

Yep, and I forgot the vice versa. Dom/mes need should have good manners too.

Eb

 

[Hecate]

I do not require titles from anyone I am not in a relation of any kind with. (even though I usually do get asked by those I start a conversation with to allow them the honour to call me Mistress or Madam - which imo is a priviledge to be earned for them and not a requirement on my part)

I may require titles to be used when some form of relation is established.

I deem it my personal right to decide to be called whatever I wish by those who have fully submitted to me.


That said, I am very much into good oldfashioned politeness and manners. And that is valid in and out of any BDSM relation. Titles may feel odd to some, so I usually do not insist on using them unless I see a specific "use" in it, some humiliating, educational reason or simply a matter of power exchange and I will insist because I can *weg*.


Not sure if any of that made sense - but to make it short.... nobody will run into any problem with me, using titles or not, as long as I can feel a sincere will to communicate, so relax and just be "yourself", after all we are people first and kinky sexsters second *winks*

 

[Desdemona]

Common courtesy should prevail on both sides of the flogger when using "terms of endearment". For instance, I've run into a few chat room type Doms that thought it was perfectly acceptable to refer to me as *slut* during the course of casual conversation while we were getting to know each other. Give me a break! There are times when I enjoy being called a slut, but that is only within the parameters of a relationship. When in a relationship, I call my Dom whatever He wishes and He calls me whatever He chooses to call me. Otherwise, I show respect to all and expect it in return.

 

[abbey_kyle]

this is some great advice...I thank everyone for the great input. There seems to be so much to learn about BDSM--I'm glad I found a place to "hang my hat." I expect I may have more questions as I go along...nice to know there's a place to find the answers. Thanks everyone.

abbey

 

[Gorath_00]

LOL, hell I got some advice! hehehe..

 

[lovetoread]

I've never called anyone master, but then again, I've not been asked to.

 

[serijules]

I usually call any Dom/me's I play with or talk to by their first names or online nicknames if appropriate. (I know most of the people I play with from online) I will call them Sir or Ma'am during a scene, I never refer to a Top by name during a scene, I find that too casual and disrespectful. If I am playing with them, then they have 'earned' my respect and trust, and the use of the titles goes with that. I have a little harder time with "Ma'am" than "Sir"...I havn't yet figured out why this is, since in general I'm more relaxed and comfortable playing with women.

I never use Master or Mistress...those titles go into an area/level of bdsm that I am not comfortable or interested in.

If anyone I barely knew ever ordered me to address them with a title, I would likely politely show them the door. If it's someone I have an established relationship with and I am ordered to address them properly...it is a huge thrill...as is being corrected for forgetting to address them properly

I myself like to be addressed by my name or affectionate nicks such as little one, young lady....I dislike the whole slut/degrading names habit....I had one Dom friend call me that during a scene thinking it was fitting and it really turned me off and made me feel humiliated in a way that wasn't good.

My, I'm really droning on this morning....heh

 

[WriterDom]

I myself like to be addressed by my name or affectionate nicks such as little one, young lady....I dislike the whole slut/degrading names habit....I had one Dom friend call me that during a scene thinking it was fitting and it really turned me off and made me feel humiliated in a way that wasn't good.

calling a woman a slut can either be a huge turn on, or huge turn off depending on the woman. I would never use it in a scene unless I knew how she felt about it.

 

[serijules]

calling a woman a slut can either be a huge turn on, or huge turn off depending on the woman. I would never use it in a scene unless I knew how she felt about it.

I think it's not only the woman herself, but the situation too. If I had a long-term Dom that I was completely secure with...being called his little slut would be a huge turn-on most likely. However, I've never been in that situation so when the playpartners I'm with call me a slut...I take it too personally. I do wish he had talked to me about it before trying it out, but at least he was attentive to my reaction and dropped the issue when I wasn't responsive to it.

 

[Ebonyfire]

The term slut

is not used only for women. Slut is a term that is and can be used (in context) by dominants for male or female submissives.

Eb

 

[P. B. Walker]

Re: The term slut

is not used only for women. Slut is a term that is and can be used (in context) by dominants for male or female submissives.

Eb

Wait... you mean, like, us guys can be sluts too? Ohhh my. I wonder what I'd have to do to earn that title. LOL

PBW

 

[lovetoread]

Re: Re: The term slut

Wait... you mean, like, us guys can be sluts too? Ohhh my. I wonder what I'd have to do to earn that title. LOL

PBW

lol, eager to be one,eh?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: The term slut

Wait... you mean, like, us guys can be sluts too? Ohhh my. I wonder what I'd have to do to earn that title. LOL

PBW

Oh this is tooo damn easy!

Eb

 

[P. B. Walker]

Re: Re: Re: The term slut

lol, eager to be one,eh?

LOL... mmmm I wonder how a new title would sound... Gentleman Slut?

hehe... and for location: On a journey to become a slut.

oh yeahhhhh

PBW

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Re: The term slut

LOL... mmmm I wonder how a new title would sound... Gentleman Slut?

hehe... and for location: On a journey to become a slut.

oh yeahhhhh

PBW

Hi PBW, my name is Eb, now on come over here and sit on Momma's lap.