Question about threesomes

[genuineloveman]

We are a couple in our 30's and we are thinking of having a threesome with a lady. We have not found her yet, and there are chances that this will remain a fantasy.

What keeps us from trying harder to fulfill this fantasy is what one may call the cost/benefit analysis. More directly, we don't know how much we could get out of this and how much we have to invest. Also, it seems that finding the right lady is complicated.

I guess we are looking for some advice from more experienced people, who had the experience of being with another lady or with a couple. We would like to find out about other people's experiences, especially if they were first-time experiences. How to proceed, where to look for the right person(s)? Are internet websites reliable and efficient? Can a sexual relation extend to real friendship based on profound more-than-sexual affection? Is it better if the third partner is a friend or acquaintance? I guess everyone has her/his own story, so let's hear it!

 

[helix27]

Umm first you would find more helpful information in you tell us what you BOTH want out of this. Also do you two know the "rules of engagement?" Such as is it ok for you to have intercourse with the new lady? Have you two talked about proper safe sex precautions for this? What happens if during one of you decide that its not working for you? If the third is a friend you two already know or not is prolly more personal preference. Some people it might work others not so much. This is just a small bit others will pipe in soon.

 

[SweetErika]

First off, I'd suggest Clicking Me and reading through the relevant topics listed, such as "How to find a woman for a threesome."

If you want some kind of friendship and the chance at finding someone quicker,, you might consider looking to the swinging community. You may have to be open to another man being there, just watching the women at first, etc., but there are single ladies in most local groups as well.

One good site to try is www.Swinglifestyle.com . Another is www.swingersboard.com (lots of nice people and helpful advice there, last time I checked).

You don't need to settle, but you do need to be as flexible as possible. There are MANY, MANY couples looking for females to join them, and it can take YEARS of looking to find a woman because the supply is limited and there's so much competition. By being open to ladies with a male partner, the male partners watching, only having sex with their partner, the women being alone at first and different groups, you'll have more women to choose from and set yourself apart from some of the competition.

It's likely going to take a fair amount of investment on your part, and you're right, there are certainly risks involved. Have you talked about all of the problems that can occur (negative feelings, relationship problems, pregnancy, STDs, etc.), how you'll guard against them, feel about them, and likely deal with them? Can you both honestly say you can provide a stable, loving environment in which everyone can enjoy themselves, or are some issues you need to address before you'll be able to say that confidently? Are you very clear on what you want/are looking for, and can you convey that clearly to potential partners?

Yes, friendships can develop from sex and sex can develop from friendships. That depends on the people involved and what they're prepared to invest at any given point. Remember that sex+friendship often can lead to strong emotions, like love, so that's something you're going to want to be prepared for if you go that route. Also be prepared to lose friendships, as involving sex may do irreparable damage. I don't have sex without developing at least a strong friendship first, but I'm not looking for a no/few-strings-attached kind of thing, either...having a great emotional connection is precisely what makes sex with women especially incredible for me.

If I were you, I'd put a very good (honest, detailed, well-written, personable with accurate, attractive photos) ad on every appropriate free personals site AND look for women in person at swing/"lifestyle", sex-positive, and related events, clubs and groups. Look at other couples' ads for mff threesomes, and see what makes them good, bad and might set you apart from them in the minds of the ladies. If you two were ladies open to joining a couple, what would you want to see and hear from them? Advertising can be everything - if you do a good job with that, you're going to put yourselves way ahead of much of your competition.

Some Possible Sites:
- Lit Personals
- Swinglifestyle
- SwingersBoard (they have a personals forum, IIRC)
- Craigslist in Casual Encounters or Misc. Romance (NOT in w4w, unless she's looking for a woman for herself alone)
- BiNet (if she's bi)
- Local and national Yahoo and similar groups that allow personals
- OKCupid (each of you should place an ad from your perspective)

IMHO, pay "hookup" sites like AdultFriendFinder are rarely worth the time or money. There are A LOT of single guys and couples in competition for women on these sites, and the free/basic memberships rarely let you do anything. I'd try the freebies first, then consider paid sites if I wasn't getting anywhere after putting in a good amount of effort.

PLEASE don't contact women like me who don't indicate they're looking to join a couple, though. On a swingers site it's a good bet single women expect to be contacted for that, but on regular dating sites, women who are looking for other women or men are usually not hoping they'll be contacted by yet another couple just because they admit they're bi. The chances of you actually hooking up with a lady by contacting her for something she didn't advertise for are so slim that it's highly unlikely it's worth your time.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Master and I are trying this, unsuccessfully so far. I have posted only on kink friendly forums because that's the way we play but the thread here: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=558090 has so far not been fruitful.

We accept that there is a lot of competition and also that women are very safety conscious these days. Single women are also wary of wandering into a situation where they get drawn into issues between the couple that shouldn't concern them. If, for example, we went ahead with this with somebody and then I got insanely jealous, that is not the casual player's fault. You must also guard against treating a play partner as a bit player whose input is not valued or who is effectively outvoted on things by the two of you. It's natural couple behaviour but can leave a single woman feeling undervalued and expendable.

I think that covering all the stuff SweetErika pointed out between yourselves is a must if you are to put up a united front to a prospective threesomee. Knowing that you have sat down and covered all the angles prior to meeting/conversing with anybody else is bound to be reassuring for a third party.

 

[DickNasty]

tester

 

[EjAcKuLaToR]

Honesty...

In all honesty, I think this is a great fantasy, but a fucking lousy idea. Execution almost always leaves someone feeling really bad if not two or all three people.
Stop it while you're ahead.

 

[pace_purr]

I have to admit we have had many threesomes, but the extra female is always the hardest one to find. Number one the majority of guys have their perfect woman in mind, the female has other ideas of perfection. Secondly though there are thousands of guys out there looking to join in with a couple there are very few women, and they are as fussy as you. Thirdly as a guy you wont perform half as well as you think you will with two women. Lastly you may end up being the third wheel, the woman you picked really being gay and knowing how to please the woman better than you. If you can accept all of the above have a great time otherwise go with the mfm, as the woman can certainly take care of two guys okay

 

[rosebud_6]

harsh words

In all honesty, I think this is a great fantasy, but a fucking lousy idea. Execution almost always leaves someone feeling really bad if not two or all three people.
Stop it while you're ahead.

well that's not very encouraging! i'd love to try this and i say go for it.. find out as much info as you can and good luck to you!

 

[Gil_T2]

well that's not very encouraging! i'd love to try this and i say go for it.. find out as much info as you can and good luck to you!

BANDIT & I are up to our 3rd & finally found one that all 3 of us click so well but sadly our meets for play are few & far apart.

We have become friends & enjoy social outings as well.

We also enjoy Dom/ sub play & our playmate is now in training as our sub. so it can work but as with the first 2 even though things seemed perfect it wasn't what any of us were after, might have been because we were all new at it.

So look at investing the time chatting to sort the hard limits each has & go explore.

As with all things in life you can only learn by being a part of it all.

 

[silverwhisper]

er...ejackulator, i've been in threesomes that went well. i've also been in threesomes that went poorly, but that was my own fault.

ed

 

[mrklin]

What SweetErika and VelvetDarkness said!

We are swingers, and have been in and around 'the swing lifestyle' for about 15 years. As a result, we have some very strong opinions.

Do understand that there are a LOT of couples searching for single bi females. In fact, I'd say that the overwhelming majority of couples on sites like swinglifestyle.com (yes, we're members there) are looking for single bi females or couples with bi females. Be prepared to wade through a few posers, fakes, and phonies no matter which way you go. There are people like that everywhere, so don't let it discourage you, and I don't mean to imply that most members of sites like these are fakes, flakes, or phonies. Just be aware that they are out there, and that you will be just one of many many others looking for the same thing.

Do take SweetErika's message to heart though (well thought out and well said SweetErika!) Both of you have to be absolutely certain that this is something that both of you want to do. You have to have an absolutely rock solid relationship, with fantastic communication between the two of you. You have to be able to discuss your feelings freely, openly, and without hesitation. If either of you have any doubts or hesitation at all in making this fantasy a reality, I'd suggest that you keep it a fantasy. Neither of you should feel like you're being pushed into something that you really don't want to do. Nobody should ever have to 'take one for the team.'

I would also caution you not to try to talk one of your friends into joining you two in the bedroom. A very good quote to remember is, "Don't try to make your friends swingers, try to make swingers your friends." Unless you're absolutely certain that a friend or acquaintance of yours is open to this kind of proposition, it will cause a problem with your friendship. Bet on it.

As far as what benefit you'll receive versus your 'investment' is concerned, I find that to be a strange way of thinking about it. Do you think of all of your other friendships/relationships in those terms? Please don't think I'm trying to be insulting - I'm not. I'm just curious - that's all. Sex aside, a lifestyle friendship/relationship is the same as any other friendship/relationship and has to have the same foundation. If it doesn't, then it can't possibly be a good thing. In that case, you're better off just keeping it a fantasy.

 

[lindahotstuff]

In my experience, it's about finding someone that clicks with you. You have to enjoy someone's company out of bed before you can enjoy them in bed. I have met up with couples from ads, chat rooms, and in pubs and clubs. Single women are happy to have a chat in a pub with a couple. You meet someone and all like each other so it's a matter of seeing if they want to play in bed. Ads and chat rooms are probably easier because the person is definitely looking. What I look for in a threesome is a couple who are well adjusted and confident and articulate. Looks are secondary. Most important, she must be genuinely interested in the 3some, either because she is bi or curious. Lots of women go into a 3sum just to satisfy their guy's fantasy and that is doomed to failure. So place an ad or better still answer some. There are a lot of timewasters out there so it's a numbers gamne to find someone genuine. Then meet somewhere public and safe. If you all click, go to a hotel so the woman feels unthreatened. Then let nature take its course. I just love being in bed with a man on one side and a woman on the other. I enjoy sex with both m and f and it's special when they are a couple. Good luck!

 

[Gil_T2]

What SweetErika and VelvetDarkness said!

We are swingers, and have been in and around 'the swing lifestyle' for about 15 years. As a result, we have some very strong opinions.

Do understand that there are a LOT of couples searching for single bi females. In fact, I'd say that the overwhelming majority of couples on sites like swinglifestyle.com (yes, we're members there) are looking for single bi females or couples with bi females. Be prepared to wade through a few posers, fakes, and phonies no matter which way you go. There are people like that everywhere, so don't let it discourage you, and I don't mean to imply that most members of sites like these are fakes, flakes, or phonies. Just be aware that they are out there, and that you will be just one of many many others looking for the same thing.

Do take SweetErika's message to heart though (well thought out and well said SweetErika!) Both of you have to be absolutely certain that this is something that both of you want to do. You have to have an absolutely rock solid relationship, with fantastic communication between the two of you. You have to be able to discuss your feelings freely, openly, and without hesitation. If either of you have any doubts or hesitation at all in making this fantasy a reality, I'd suggest that you keep it a fantasy. Neither of you should feel like you're being pushed into something that you really don't want to do. Nobody should ever have to 'take one for the team.'

I would also caution you not to try to talk one of your friends into joining you two in the bedroom. A very good quote to remember is, "Don't try to make your friends swingers, try to make swingers your friends." Unless you're absolutely certain that a friend or acquaintance of yours is open to this kind of proposition, it will cause a problem with your friendship. Bet on it.

As far as what benefit you'll receive versus your 'investment' is concerned, I find that to be a strange way of thinking about it. Do you think of all of your other friendships/relationships in those terms? Please don't think I'm trying to be insulting - I'm not. I'm just curious - that's all. Sex aside, a lifestyle friendship/relationship is the same as any other friendship/relationship and has to have the same foundation. If it doesn't, then it can't possibly be a good thing. In that case, you're better off just keeping it a fantasy.

It amazes me how many males like to pose as females looking for females & or couples on almost any personals site & our playmate who prefers couples with Bi females also has found so many married looking for a bit on the side without wife/ partner knowing or single guys pretending to be a couple but female is always busy & can't chat or talk on the phone or even turn up for a meet.

We have enjoyed all our plays with ladies but it is difficult to find one who both click with. We are open & honest with each other so the chance of a problem is minimual for us which makes enjoying our play a lot easier.