Question about the online only D/s thing...

[redheadedtxn]

I've noticed there's several folks involved in "online only" D/s relationships.

I'm sort of curious how this works - how do you really trust? How do you know they're not someone totally different than they're representing themselves to be? How do you *know* they don't have a wife or girlfriend or husband?

How does the control aspect work? If you're into spanking or punishment, how do you work that out? How do you know your sub/slave is following directions?

For those that are married, and your online life your spouse doesn't know about, how do you keep your husband/wife satisfied, and yet also keep your sub/Master happy??

I'm genuinely curious - thanks for any insight!

 

[redheadedtxn]

Another question - why not go for the full "in person" experience? With sites like FetLife out there?

 

[FurryFury]

I've noticed there's several folks involved in "online only" D/s relationships.

I'm sort of curious how this works - how do you really trust? How do you know they're not someone totally different than they're representing themselves to be? How do you *know* they don't have a wife or girlfriend or husband?

How does the control aspect work? If you're into spanking or punishment, how do you work that out? How do you know your sub/slave is following directions?

For those that are married, and your online life your spouse doesn't know about, how do you keep your husband/wife satisfied, and yet also keep your sub/Master happy??

I'm genuinely curious - thanks for any insight!

I'm no longer involved in such relationships but I used to be. In my case I trusted because I chose to and because I had nothing to lose. I didn't expect them to not have someone else in real life. If they did, that was fine with me. I didn't care if they were in reality, a purple donkey, as long as I got what I wanted out of the relationship.

The control aspects works only if you allow it. Or it doesn't. The right mind fit helps a great deal. I always did what I was told or I told them I hadn't done it and why.

My husband always knew. He was fine with it. I'm not the type of partner to hide that sort of thing or do it behind his back.

My online person was happy always or so they told me. Some went AWAL though so who the fuck knows if they were being "real."

Another question - why not go for the full "in person" experience? With sites like FetLife out there?

Full in person means a more physical cheating which I've been given permission for but find difficult to do since it could have effects on my marriage I don't want to deal with. Plus I'm shy. OTOH, my husband and I have done a great many kinky things together.

 

[redheadedtxn]

I'm no longer involved in such relationships but I used to be. In my case I trusted because I chose to and because I had nothing to lose. I didn't expect them to not have someone else in real life. If they did, that was fine with me. I didn't care if they were in reality, a purple donkey, as long as I got what I wanted out of the relationship.

The control aspects works only if you allow it. Or it doesn't. The right mind fit helps a great deal. I always did what I was told or I told them I hadn't done it and why.

My husband always knew. He was fine with it. I'm not the type of partner to hide that sort of thing or do it behind his back.

My online person was happy always or so they told me. Some went AWAL though so who the fuck knows if they were being "real."



Full in person means a more physical cheating which I've been given permission for but find difficult to do since it could have effects on my marriage I don't want to deal with. Plus I'm shy. OTOH, my husband and I have done a great many kinky things together.

The awol thing would tear me up.

It's nice that you have an open & honest relationship with your husband.

I suppose for some, it's more of a sideline activity than a 24/7 deal; so that makes sense.

 

[FurryFury]

The awol thing would tear me up.

It's nice that you have an open & honest relationship with your husband.

I suppose for some, it's more of a sideline activity than a 24/7 deal; so that makes sense.

My views are not the norm. Most seem to want someone to be faithful to them and them only. I don't try to "own" people like that particularly when I'm already in a committed relationship.

My husband isn't a PYL and doesn't want to be. So it's the only way I can see to get a little of what I want and keep my relationship. He also doesn't want to "own" me which I kind of like because it gives me a lot of freedom and kind of hate because there are so many times when I want him to take ownership.

The AWOL is VERY painful. It's quite common. I believe because so many people are immature and are often just looking for the next new thing or person to play with. They have short attention spans and yes, they are often NOT who or what they say they are. It becomes a problem when it means a break from something you believe in and which is working for you.

FF

 

[redheadedtxn]

My views are not the norm. Most seem to want someone to be faithful to them and them only. I don't try to "own" people like that particularly when I'm already in a committed relationship.

My husband isn't a PYL and doesn't want to be. So it's the only way I can see to get a little of what I want and keep my relationship. He also doesn't want to "own" me which I kind of like because it gives me a lot of freedom and kind of hate because there are so many times when I want him to take ownership.

The AWOL is VERY painful. It's quite common. I believe because so many people are immature and are often just looking for the next new thing or person to play with. They have short attention spans and yes, they are often NOT who or what they say they are. It becomes a problem when it means a break from something you believe in and which is working for you.

FF

Master & I weren't in any kind of committed relationship when we first began, we sort of grew into it. Now the thought of bringing someone else's emotions and skin into our involvement doesn't appeal to me. (Or to him).

I guess that's my biggest question in regards to online D/s - how do you know they are who they say they are? Giving up that level of control takes an enormous amount of trust and faith in the one you're giving it to...having that crushed even just once to a Dom I'd think would do horrible damage - especially in wanting to repeat the online thing.

 

[FurryFury]

As I've said, I wasn't so worried about them being honest about who they were as much as making sense in conversations with me prior to beginning a D/s relationship, having the right head space to fit with me and then me getting what I wanted and trying to make sure they got what they wanted.

It can be crushing when it doesn't work out. It took me about three good tries before quitting altogether mostly because of my frustration and hate toward myself and my own online limits to someone I'd want to give everything to. I couldn't stand getting depressed over all that. I do miss it though.

Again, I'm not sure my personal experiences are typical.

FF

 

[redheadedtxn]

As I've said, I wasn't so worried about them being honest about who they were as much as making sense in conversations with me prior to beginning a D/s relationship, having the right head space to fit with me and then me getting what I wanted and trying to make sure they got what they wanted.

It can be crushing when it doesn't work out. It took me about three good tries before quitting altogether mostly because of my frustration and hate toward myself and my own online limits to someone I'd want to give everything to. I couldn't stand getting depressed over all that. I do miss it though.

Again, I'm not sure my personal experiences are typical.

FF

I appreciate your insight, FF

Looking forward to seeing if anyone else is willing to share their perspective.

 

[lissa808]

Yeah, it didn't go so well for me either...I'll never do it again.
I gave my heart and soul to him...totally trusted against my usual judgement and ended up in a bad place. I believe it works for some people though.
I started online because I was in a bad marriage, didn't want to add cheating to the list of problems...and yes, I realize that some people consider this cheating.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I'm no longer involved in such relationships but I used to be. In my case I trusted because I chose to and because I had nothing to lose. I didn't expect them to not have someone else in real life. If they did, that was fine with me. I didn't care if they were in reality, a purple donkey, as long as I got what I wanted out of the relationship.

This is pretty much my thoughts and feelings as well. There was nothing to lose, because, despite some very intense feelings, there was that level of anonymity that meant *I* could pull the plug if I wanted to. However, that also meant that I *did* misrepresent myself and lie a bit at times.

It was helpful for me in that I got to have a think about what I did and didn't like, and what I wanted, before venturing out into the big bad world.

 

[welkin]

For me, I am not afraid that my trust will be betrayed because I only give limited trust. And so does my dom.

For example, we never reveal to each other details so specific that they can be used to identify either of us; when we send each other pictures, the face is always obscured or cropped out.

So even if in the worst case scenario, he turns out to be a scum and decides to divulge my information to others, I'll sure be angry, but my real life will not be sabotaged.

While yes limited trust also means limited control and ways we can interact with each other, and some people will think what we have going is quite tame. But this is already far, far beyond what I had when I started -- this is my first D/s experience, before this, I was almost as vanilla as a virgin (in terms of experience, not mind )... This is also why I chose the more discreet approach of online vs. real life, I know I'll never come into physical harm and I can pull the plug any time. Without such assurance, I don't think I would've ever been able to take that first step...

 

[redheadedtxn]

Fascinating.
Do either of you think you'll take that step into real life D/s?

And for lissa, did this harm your marriage relationship?

 

[FurryFury]

Very smart!

I'm the same way about safety.

I miss the excitement of walking on the edge though. So much.

FF

For me, I am not afraid that my trust will be betrayed because I only give limited trust. And so does my dom.

For example, we never reveal to each other details so specific that they can be used to identify either of us; when we send each other pictures, the face is always obscured or cropped out.

So even if in the worst case scenario, he turns out to be a scum and decides to divulge my information to others, I'll sure be angry, but my real life will not be sabotaged.

While yes limited trust also means limited control and ways we can interact with each other, and some people will think what we have going is quite tame. But this is already far, far beyond what I had when I started -- this is my first D/s experience, before this, I was almost as vanilla as a virgin (in terms of experience, not mind )... This is also why I chose the more discreet approach of online vs. real life, I know I'll never come into physical harm and I can pull the plug any time. Without such assurance, I don't think I would've ever been able to take that first step...

 

[redheadedtxn]

Very smart!

I'm the same way about safety.

I miss the excitement of walking on the edge though. So much.

FF

True enough, I can totally appreciate the concern. Fortunately for me, I was friends with Master for a couple years before we ever broached any kind of sexual, much less D/s relationship.

I can understand how it would be scary, on both ends of the spectrum!

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm thinking this is not "dom/sub" but "top/bottom" which is a much ... "stretchier" shall we say, classification.

But that's just the bee in my bonnet...

 

[redheadedtxn]

I'm thinking this is not "dom/sub" but "top/bottom" which is a much ... "stretchier" shall we say, classification.

But that's just the bee in my bonnet...

yeah, I'm not a fan of labels myself...I don't think I have the capacity to trust and give myself to someone other than IRL....but that is my own personal hang-up.

I have issues...

 

[midwestyankee]

I'm thinking this is not "dom/sub" but "top/bottom" which is a much ... "stretchier" shall we say, classification.

But that's just the bee in my bonnet...

And I think it's a buzzy little bee at that.

Ever since you began to raise this distinction regularly, I've begun to see through this new lens: is it topping or domination; is it bottoming or submission? And my conclusion: this is a very worthy thought process.

 

[redheadedtxn]

And I think it's a buzzy little bee at that.

Ever since you began to raise this distinction regularly, I've begun to see through this new lens: is it topping or domination; is it bottoming or submission? And my conclusion: this is a very worthy thought process.

so much to think about!

I truly appreciate all the insight here.

I've never been able to comprehend online relationships, but I've appreciated what others have shared here.

 

[midwestyankee]

so much to think about!

I truly appreciate all the insight here.

I've never been able to comprehend online relationships, but I've appreciated what others have shared here.

I think there's a huge and qualitative difference between relationships where all the interaction is through electronic means (online, for short, though I think that such relationships often involve phones and texting) and the expectation is that it will remain that way forever and those online relationships that either have or intentionally will involve in-person together time.

I have little experience with the first kind but that little bit tells me that such relationships are often the product of much timidity and/or circumstances that would normally prevent an in-person relationship. It's considerably easier to enter into an online-only relationship so it can become a refuge for those who seek a relationship of some kind but simply can't (for a variety of reasons) bring it to an in-person state.

From my perspective, I don't think it would be possible for me to be a dominant party in an online-only relationship. I would have too many questions about the reality of submission from the other party. However, I can see where it could work rather nicely to top someone willing to bottom via electronically-delivered commands.

 

[redheadedtxn]

I think there's a huge and qualitative difference between relationships where all the interaction is through electronic means (online, for short, though I think that such relationships often involve phones and texting) and the expectation is that it will remain that way forever and those online relationships that either have or intentionally will involve in-person together time.

I have little experience with the first kind but that little bit tells me that such relationships are often the product of much timidity and/or circumstances that would normally prevent an in-person relationship. It's considerably easier to enter into an online-only relationship so it can become a refuge for those who seek a relationship of some kind but simply can't (for a variety of reasons) bring it to an in-person state.

From my perspective, I don't think it would be possible for me to be a dominant party in an online-only relationship. I would have too many questions about the reality of submission from the other party. However, I can see where it could work rather nicely to top someone willing to bottom via electronically-delivered commands.

My biggest issue would be the physical interaction; I need to feel Master, I need to feel his control, pain & pleasure; I need to feel his cock in my mouth, I need to breathe in his scent; I need those after scene snuggles. I need to see his face as he plays me. I couldn't do without all of that.

I guess that is my main question; how does one make it work without the physical?

 

[vintage63]

I had online D/s for 9 months and then we decided to meet. For me it was like this... I was submissive as I would be in real because I wanted D/s. If he asked me to do something either I did or I told him I did not. I was not playing or it would not have been satisfying for me. I was lucky as he was just as serious as me. I had that sense. Trust you senses. We met on several occasions and although it eventually ended it was great.

I am again in an online D/s relationship and hope to meet soon. I think online can be powerful, full of rituals

I too have a partner who knows and who is not into D/s but respects I am. Online lets me be involved more.

I am far more into D/s than BDSM in the sense that it's the power exchange I love so it just works for me.

cheers

 

[redheadedtxn]

I had online D/s for 9 months and then we decided to meet. For me it was like this... I was submissive as I would be in real because I wanted D/s. If he asked me to do something either I did or I told him I did not. I was not playing or it would not have been satisfying for me. I was lucky as he was just as serious as me. I had that sense. Trust you senses. We met on several occasions and although it eventually ended it was great.

I am again in an online D/s relationship and hope to meet soon. I think online can be powerful, full of rituals

I too have a partner who knows and who is not into D/s but respects I am. Online lets me be involved more.

I am far more into D/s than BDSM in the sense that it's the power exchange I love so it just works for me.

cheers

With all respect, why would you be involved with one who isn't into D/s? Just to have someone in your life? Why wouldn't you be involved with, or seek involvement with one who is more in-line with your desires?

 

[Stella_Omega]

And I think it's a buzzy little bee at that.

Ever since you began to raise this distinction regularly, I've begun to see through this new lens: is it topping or domination; is it bottoming or submission? And my conclusion: this is a very worthy thought process.

*pats self on back* It is worth thinking about, isn't it?

As You Know Bob, my main problem with the D/s labelling that is default in the hetero scene is that "sub" is almost always female and "dom" is almost always male. And hey, if He gets to be the boss of She in your relationship, I got no problem with that-- but for the sake of all of our sanity and society's health don't assume that's the way it is for every D/s couple-- or every hetero couple in general.


But the other issue, and one I think is probably more worth thinking about is that the D/s default turns what (in my mind) is a sexual preference (that you might or might not share with your partner) into a relationship commitment thing (that you MUST share with your primary partner until death or divorce or a messy breakup Do You Part.

The way that so many people don't even question that gives me the creeps-- as you also know

So to my mind, if you're enjoying being done unto, or being ravished, or taking orders, you're a bottom. If you love to do, or ravish, or give the orders, you're a top.

IF IF IF your preferences and someone else's preferences match up and a relationship forms, and your mutual preferences are a huge part of the strength of the relationship-- then you could say that you're so-and-so's dominant, or master or whatever. Or so-and-so's sub, or slave etc.

Thank you for listening.

 

[redheadedtxn]

*pats self on back* It is worth thinking about, isn't it?

As You Know Bob, my main problem with the D/s labelling that is default in the hetero scene is that "sub" is almost always female and "dom" is almost always male. And hey, if He gets to be the boss of She in your relationship, I got no problem with that-- but for the sake of all of our sanity and society's health don't assume that's the way it is for every D/s couple-- or every hetero couple in general.


But the other issue, and one I think is probably more worth thinking about is that the D/s default turns what (in my mind) is a sexual preference (that you might or might not share with your partner) into a relationship commitment thing (that you MUST share with your primary partner until death or divorce or a messy breakup Do You Part.

The way that so many people don't even question that gives me the creeps-- as you also know

So to my mind, if you're enjoying being done unto, or being ravished, or taking orders, you're a bottom. If you love to do, or ravish, or give the orders, you're a top.

IF IF IF your preferences and someone else's preferences match up and a relationship forms, and your mutual preferences are a huge part of the strength of the relationship-- then you could say that you're so-and-so's dominant, or master or whatever. Or so-and-so's sub, or slave etc.

Thank you for listening.

You give such a fresh & relevant perspective! True, true!
Just because it's thata way for me, I don't assume it's so for others.

There's a wide area of play there, and let the universe love those that have found their comfortable space!

Thank you for throwing that out there.

xoxo

 

[Stella_Omega]

You give such a fresh & relevant perspective! True, true!
Just because it's thata way for me, I don't assume it's so for others.

There's a wide area of play there, and let the universe love those that have found their comfortable space!

Thank you for throwing that out there.

xoxo

But see-- you did;

With all respect, why would you be involved with one who isn't into D/s? Just to have someone in your life? Why wouldn't you be involved with, or seek involvement with one who is more in-line with your desires?

it took me so long to write and post that comment, i didnt see yours untill after I'd posted mine-- My answer to the question is to suggest, once more, that she might not be looking for D/s but for BDSM. She just doesn't know the words.