Question about punishment options for subs
- Thread starter raven2
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raven2
"Quoth the Raven...."
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cati said:
I think I can identify with that. I very often become silent when hurt and angry, wanting my wife to come and talk to me. After too many years, I think I realize that it only makes things worse. I get more and more frustrated when she doesn't come and talk (and I know she is not a person who likes to talk) and nothing really gets resolved.
FurryFury
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Okay, now, for a different perspective maybe on this silence thing.
When one of us is mad but doesn't want to talk about it until he/she calms down that is a recognized thing that is okay in our home. Forced communication when one is hurt and angry can be very destructive as well.
We have rarely said things we regret due to this policy. We do communicate though better than I have ever been able to achieve with any other man in RL, that is because it is BOTH of us communicating. In the past I've usually been the only one who actually tried to communicate while the other person tried to merely manipulate.
Being backed into a corner literally or symbolically and forced to communicate when I'm angry and hurt, making me feel trapped has lead to some very bad and at times violent moments. I'm not normally violent. I love to communicate. Just give me some space and let me.
Now back to punishment in online D/s. I think cutting someone off from all communication is risky, hurtful and, in general, wrong. I have strong personal feelings about this for a whole lot of reasons.
However, I have been told before, such things as, "Report back to me in three days." The challenge and message is do NOT talk to me until then can you handle that? I had an idea why he said that. It seemed to me he was testing me because he knew that I was falling for him quite hard. I felt it was justified and even wise of him to try to give me protection and space from my own burgeoning feelings. At that time I truly wanted to go to him in RL. Even if I only got to "feel" the aura around the man.
I never questioned him about it. I trusted him to be doing this for all the right reasons. I didn't want to be weak or insubordinate or anything like that. I was a fool in not doing so. It's likely part of why he is gone.
You see, I like to simply Do for the right person. I like to do what they want, both what they ask and do not. I don't like to question. I like to trust. This may seem odd to some. It may even seem like I don't care enough or suffer enough when we are apart. I may well be in error about the way I deal with people like this. I don't want to seem needy. I don't want to pull at someone or ask for something they do not want to give me. Only if they want to give me something do I want them to do so. Some might see the trappings of how I act as something different than what it truly is. Yes, I think I have erred in this and more than once.
Fury
When one of us is mad but doesn't want to talk about it until he/she calms down that is a recognized thing that is okay in our home. Forced communication when one is hurt and angry can be very destructive as well.
We have rarely said things we regret due to this policy. We do communicate though better than I have ever been able to achieve with any other man in RL, that is because it is BOTH of us communicating. In the past I've usually been the only one who actually tried to communicate while the other person tried to merely manipulate.
Being backed into a corner literally or symbolically and forced to communicate when I'm angry and hurt, making me feel trapped has lead to some very bad and at times violent moments. I'm not normally violent. I love to communicate. Just give me some space and let me.
Now back to punishment in online D/s. I think cutting someone off from all communication is risky, hurtful and, in general, wrong. I have strong personal feelings about this for a whole lot of reasons.
However, I have been told before, such things as, "Report back to me in three days." The challenge and message is do NOT talk to me until then can you handle that? I had an idea why he said that. It seemed to me he was testing me because he knew that I was falling for him quite hard. I felt it was justified and even wise of him to try to give me protection and space from my own burgeoning feelings. At that time I truly wanted to go to him in RL. Even if I only got to "feel" the aura around the man.
I never questioned him about it. I trusted him to be doing this for all the right reasons. I didn't want to be weak or insubordinate or anything like that. I was a fool in not doing so. It's likely part of why he is gone.
You see, I like to simply Do for the right person. I like to do what they want, both what they ask and do not. I don't like to question. I like to trust. This may seem odd to some. It may even seem like I don't care enough or suffer enough when we are apart. I may well be in error about the way I deal with people like this. I don't want to seem needy. I don't want to pull at someone or ask for something they do not want to give me. Only if they want to give me something do I want them to do so. Some might see the trappings of how I act as something different than what it truly is. Yes, I think I have erred in this and more than once.
Fury
cati
Literally Rabid.
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You see, I like to simply Do for the right person. I like to do what they want, both what they ask and do not. I don't like to question. I like to trust. This may seem odd to some. It may even seem like I don't care enough or suffer enough when we are apart. I may well be in error about the way I deal with people like this. I don't want to seem needy. I don't want to pull at someone or ask for something they do not want to give me. Only if they want to give me something do I want them to do so. Some might see the trappings of how I act as something different than what it truly is. Yes, I think I have erred in this and more than once.
... furry... all I can say at this moment is hmmphh. When someone says to the other "get back to me in 3 days..and can you handle that". It does show some concern, for whom I don't know. Sounds very cruel to me.
It is very difficult to pull away from someone to whom you have given nearly everything...or all that you could, without giving up your "self" in the process.
I have a real problem with "trust". It has nothing to do with not trusting myself. Trust is overly emphasized in BDSM, in that you must have absolute trust in your partner for obvious reasons. Trust to me is relative to whatever situation we put ourselves. Furry girl, I sense by reading your posts and having written with you that you are a very, very good person and sometimes I worry about you. Please be careful with whom you play and share yourself.
If a partner is deceitful, you can ask them anything you want, expecting an honest answer, yet know deep inside that they're lying, yet we often accept it, in order to "not rock the boat". That's where denial comes in and in my opinion alot of submissive women live in denial.
I've gone off on another tangent and not sure if anything I've said relates to your post....smiles. I mean well kiddo.
... furry... all I can say at this moment is hmmphh. When someone says to the other "get back to me in 3 days..and can you handle that". It does show some concern, for whom I don't know. Sounds very cruel to me.
It is very difficult to pull away from someone to whom you have given nearly everything...or all that you could, without giving up your "self" in the process.
I have a real problem with "trust". It has nothing to do with not trusting myself. Trust is overly emphasized in BDSM, in that you must have absolute trust in your partner for obvious reasons. Trust to me is relative to whatever situation we put ourselves. Furry girl, I sense by reading your posts and having written with you that you are a very, very good person and sometimes I worry about you. Please be careful with whom you play and share yourself.
If a partner is deceitful, you can ask them anything you want, expecting an honest answer, yet know deep inside that they're lying, yet we often accept it, in order to "not rock the boat". That's where denial comes in and in my opinion alot of submissive women live in denial.
I've gone off on another tangent and not sure if anything I've said relates to your post....smiles. I mean well kiddo.
FurryFury
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Actually the "can you handle that," part was my implication and interpretation of his report back to me on this in three days directive.
I did trust him. I like to trust people. It can be a problem.
As I said, in this case, I felt there was a good reason for his demand. I felt he knew how much I hungered for him and it made him uncomfortable. I thought it was a little reality check and refocusing. *shrugs* Maybe I think too much. He was my first real Dom online, to this date the only one. There have been some that have gotten close but few it seems can maintain for the long haul. The way things are going, I may never have another such relationship. It was too magical and special while it lasted, which of course was all too briefly.
Don't worry for me. I have a very solid set of limits and I always stick to them. I don't suffer fools gladly. I know when things feel right and when they don't, which is 85% of the time if not more! *L*
Thanks for your care, Cati and please call me Fury?
*hugs*
Fury
I did trust him. I like to trust people. It can be a problem.
As I said, in this case, I felt there was a good reason for his demand. I felt he knew how much I hungered for him and it made him uncomfortable. I thought it was a little reality check and refocusing. *shrugs* Maybe I think too much. He was my first real Dom online, to this date the only one. There have been some that have gotten close but few it seems can maintain for the long haul. The way things are going, I may never have another such relationship. It was too magical and special while it lasted, which of course was all too briefly.
Don't worry for me. I have a very solid set of limits and I always stick to them. I don't suffer fools gladly. I know when things feel right and when they don't, which is 85% of the time if not more! *L*
Thanks for your care, Cati and please call me Fury?
*hugs*
Fury
