Question about punishment options for subs

[raven2]

Last weekend I had punished my online sub for disobedience with orgasm denial. Tonight, because of I was very pleased with her, I lifted the ban and made arrangements to phone her so that I could have phone sex with her so she could cum (this is something she likes very much). When I called her at the appointed time. I got no answer. Half an hour later and 3 more tries, still no answer. My question is what type of punishment do you think this type of behavior deserves?

 

[Art H.]

Bring her to the edge of orgasm, then let her wait a week

 

[raven2]

Bring her to the edge of orgasm, then let her wait a week

That was the original punishment. I am contemplating having her name her own punishment. But thank-you for the idea.

 

[Art H.]

That was the original punishment. I am contemplating having her name her own punishment. But thank-you for the idea.

You're welcome I'm kind of new to punishing others

 

[raven2]

You're welcome I'm kind of new to punishing others

I'm not terribly experienced but I cannot let this pass.

 

[Art H.]

I'm not terribly experienced but I cannot let this pass.

Agreed!

 

[cati]

My two cents

Well I for one would ask her why she wasn't there at the appointed time.
If it was for a valid reason then why punish? Otherwise I would use the "no contact" strategy. Suggesting she choose her own punishment isn't practical in my opinion.

 

[raven2]

Well I for one would ask her why she wasn't there at the appointed time.
If it was for a valid reason then why punish? Otherwise I would use the "no contact" strategy. Suggesting she choose her own punishment isn't practical in my opinion.

I certainly will ask her, I don't want to be unfair. I'm not so sure about the no contact strategy, because I feel strongly that communication should be kept up in a relationship.

 

[Chicklet]

Well I for one would ask her why she wasn't there at the appointed time.

Yeah, find out what's up before deciding.

 

[*curious*]

Make sure there wasn't an emergency or the phone wasn't out of order or something. Did you give her a specific time you'd be calling at? If there was a communication issue- fix it and don't punish her. If she wandered off and got busy work together to find a way to avoid the situation in the future (you agree to inform each other through email/phone if you will be out of touch for any length of time, etc) and drive the lesson of respecting your time home....

Whilst in her highest (and tightest, if possible) heels, she stands in the corner. Toes pointed so that they touch; outside of each foot touching the baseboards; (she'll need to turn inward and bend her knees a bit to hold the position); hands clasped behind her back; chin held high; nose touching the corner. The position is to be maintained as long as you decide; while in the corner she is to contemplate a subject you choose. Trust me- this isn't an easy thing to do.

Or...

You pick a phrase ("I will respect other people's time" etc) and a number of times it must be typed or handwritten. I would suggest a large number (or in the case of a typed phrase a number of pages at X font size); contact will be limited* until the assignment is turned in. *Note: I say "limited", not abandonded. Instead of 20 minutes phone calls 3 times a day you have 5 minute "catch up the high points" chats once or twice a day; an alternative woudl be communicating through email *only* for X amount of time. Contact and communication are still maintained, but an emphasis is placed on respecting your time.

 

[raven2]

Make sure there wasn't an emergency or the phone wasn't out of order or something. Did you give her a specific time you'd be calling at? If there was a communication issue- fix it and don't punish her. If she wandered off and got busy work together to find a way to avoid the situation in the future (you agree to inform each other through email/phone if you will be out of touch for any length of time, etc) and drive the lesson of respecting your time home....

Whilst in her highest (and tightest, if possible) heels, she stands in the corner. Toes pointed so that they touch; outside of each foot touching the baseboards; (she'll need to turn inward and bend her knees a bit to hold the position); hands clasped behind her back; chin held high; nose touching the corner. The position is to be maintained as long as you decide; while in the corner she is to contemplate a subject you choose. Trust me- this isn't an easy thing to do.

Or...

You pick a phrase ("I will respect other people's time" etc) and a number of times it must be typed or handwritten. I would suggest a large number (or in the case of a typed phrase a number of pages at X font size); contact will be limited* until the assignment is turned in. *Note: I say "limited", not abandonded. Instead of 20 minutes phone calls 3 times a day you have 5 minute "catch up the high points" chats once or twice a day; an alternative woudl be communicating through email *only* for X amount of time. Contact and communication are still maintained, but an emphasis is placed on respecting your time.

Thank -you for your thoughts. Yes a specific time was named. I have been able to reach her answering machine so the phone is working. However it is now over two hours since the appointed time and I am quite concerned, I do hope everything is alright.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Last weekend I had punished my online sub for disobedience with orgasm denial. Tonight, because of I was very pleased with her, I lifted the ban and made arrangements to phone her so that I could have phone sex with her so she could cum (this is something she likes very much). When I called her at the appointed time. I got no answer. Half an hour later and 3 more tries, still no answer. My question is what type of punishment do you think this type of behavior deserves?

Ummn forgive me in advance but why are you concerned about punishment do you even know if she is okay for starters ?

When and IF its determined she was negligent the punishment should be of the same degree as the 'crime' no more , no less. You may even find some submissives are heartily disturbed by knowing clearly they have failed you to start with and if thats the case and she is more remorseful than appropriate she made need you to nurture her past that instead of delegating punishment at all.

 

[raven2]

Ummn forgive me in advance but why are you concerned about punishment do you even know if she is okay for starters ?

When and IF its determined she was negligent the punishment should be of the same degree as the 'crime' no more , no less. You may even find some submissives are heartily disturbed by knowing clearly they have failed you to start with and if thats the case and she is more remorseful than appropriate she made need you to nurture her past that instead of delegating punishment at all.

I am not so concerned with punishment but wanted opinions from people if it were necessary. I certainly am concerned about her welfare and will take eveything into account before doing anything. I never want to administer punishment if it is not necessary.

 

[Purple Sage]

Just one of the many reasons that on-line D/s is such an unattractive option to me.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Just one of the many reasons that on-line D/s is such an unattractive option to me.

Have to agree. Barring if there was a legitimate reason (which of course if there was one provided you have to decide if you believe), perhaps this is just a sign of how seriously your online sub takes the whole thing. It is a sad reality many are just there for the momentary thrills when they are in need of some attention or entertainment. Do you know she has not really had an orgasm during that time? How? Do you know you are the only online relationship she is having? Even if you choose to continue and deliver a punishment, how do you know it will be carried out?...standing in heels in corners etc., all paint pretty pictures to match what we read and see online, but is it really going to happen while the sub is alone, unobserved and free to do what they please without your knowing for sure? Not trying to be negative, but these are all aspects you have to weigh when pursuing online D/s and often it is stretching trust and honesty a long way to the point of blind trust on the part of one but not necessarily 2.

Catalina

 

[raven2]

Have to agree. Barring if there was a legitimate reason (which of course if there was one provided you have to decide if you believe), perhaps this is just a sign of how seriously your online sub takes the whole thing. It is a sad reality many are just there for the momentary thrills when they are in need of some attention or entertainment. Do you know she has not really had an orgasm during that time? How? Do you know you are the only online relationship she is having? Even if you choose to continue and deliver a punishment, how do you know it will be carried out?...standing in heels in corners etc., all paint pretty pictures to match what we read and see online, but is it really going to happen while the sub is alone, unobserved and free to do what they please without your knowing for sure? Not trying to be negative, but these are all aspects you have to weigh when pursuing online D/s and often it is stretching trust and honesty a long way to the point of blind trust on the part of one but not necessarily 2.

Catalina

Thank you for your thoughts.

 

[raven2]

Thank-you all for your thoughts. I do appreciate them. I am happy to say that there was a good reason for the missed calls and so no punishment is necessary.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Thank-you all for your thoughts. I do appreciate them. I am happy to say that there was a good reason for the missed calls and so no punishment is necessary.

I am very happy to hear all is well for you both Raven.
sincerely
@}-}rebecca----

 

[FurryFury]

I understand how maddening and painful missed communication connections can be. You look forward to something so much and then it doesn't happen. It makes one feel deserted. Communication is absolutely essential for online relationships. Without this the connection thins until it eventually breaks.

However being told not to touch base for a good reason, even punishment for three days or so can be effective. The only problem with this is that it punishes the Dom and not just the sub. If, that is, the Dom enjoys the time spent. If the Dom didn't what would be the point of them spending their time at all?

I can't speak for every online sub. I am no longer an online sub to anyone. When I was the sincerity and effort I put in was 100%. I didn't see the point if I were going to be disingenuous. What could I possibly get out of it that way?

It was my desire to submit. It was my desire to have someone comfortable with being Dominant to submit to but who also seemed to care for me as I did him. For that person there was little within my hard limits, I wouldn't do. Indeed, I would have eventually, let some of those hard limits be eroded had we continued.

I would never have lied to him or arbitrarily refused to do something for him. That isn't in my nature. Whenever I couldn't do something I told him, feeling devastated about my lack of ability. We would then find a way to give him the submission he wanted another way.

Giving him my submission taught me. It also empowered me past certain "walls" I had built for myself. To me the experience was one of sublime hope, learning and development within his structure and wishes.

For some online seems like the only option. It shouldn't be looked down on in my opinion.

Yes, one should use caution and get to know another at first while trying to figure out if such a relationship seems like a good idea or fit. After that however, I would hope the trust would be mutual. I would hope both parties would be as "real" as they could within the strictures of their everyday lives. You can usually tell when someone isn't treating the relationship seriously. There are signs.

I don't know that I will ever find the "right" fit to do such a thing again. I would love to.

I'm glad she is okay Raven and has a good explaination. I hope things go well from here on out for you both.

Fury

 

[raven2]

I understand how maddening and painful missed communication connections can be. You look forward to something so much and then it doesn't happen. It makes one feel deserted. Communication is absolutely essential for online relationships. Without this the connection thins until it eventually breaks.

However being told not to touch base for a good reason, even punishment for three days or so can be effective. The only problem with this is that it punishes the Dom and not just the sub. If, that is, the Dom enjoys the time spent. If the Dom didn't what would be the point of them spending their time at all?

I can't speak for every online sub. I am no longer an online sub to anyone. When I was the sincerity and effort I put in was 100%. I didn't see the point if I were going to be disingenuous. What could I possibly get out of it that way?

It was my desire to submit. It was my desire to have someone comfortable with being Dominant to submit to but who also seemed to care for me as I did him. For that person there was little within my hard limits, I wouldn't do. Indeed, I would have eventually, let some of those hard limits be eroded had we continued.

I would never have lied to him or arbitrarily refused to do something for him. That isn't in my nature. Whenever I couldn't do something I told him, feeling devastated about my lack of ability. We would then find a way to give him the submission he wanted another way.

Giving him my submission taught me. It also empowered me past certain "walls" I had built for myself. To me the experience was one of sublime hope, learning and development within his structure and wishes.

For some online seems like the only option. It shouldn't be looked down on in my opinion.

Yes, one should use caution and get to know another at first while trying to figure out if such a relationship seems like a good idea or fit. After that however, I would hope the trust would be mutual. I would hope both parties would be as "real" as they could within the strictures of their everyday lives. You can usually tell when someone isn't treating the relationship seriously. There are signs.

I don't know that I will ever find the "right" fit to do such a thing again. I would love to.

I'm glad she is okay Raven and has a good explaination. I hope things go well from here on out for you both.

Fury

Thank-you for your kind words. I feel that your 1st paragraph goes straight to the heart of the matter for me. Also your description of your relationship to your online dom is very much that same as we have. I have never had a cause to distrust her and I know she wouldn't lie to me. I am very new at this and am sure I make a lot of mistakes and that is why I asked for advice. In this case I overreacted and I told her so. It is something that I will not let happen again. I think I overcompensate since my first impulse is to forgive. So I have gone the other way and tried to be strict. It seems hard because it is not in my nature and going against your gut feeling isn't exactly healthy nor wise. I learned that long ago. I think I am going to try to go back to just being myself .

 

[FurryFury]

Thank-you for your kind words. I feel that your 1st paragraph goes straight to the heart of the matter. Also you description of your relationship to your online dom is very much that same as we have. I have never had a cause to distrust her and I know she wouldn't lie to me. I am very new at this and am sure I make a lot of mistakes and that is why I asked for advice. In this case I overreacted and I told her so. It is something that I will not let happen again. I think I overcompensate since my first impulse is to forgive. So I have gone the other way and tried to be strict. It seems hard because it is not in my nature and going against your gut feeling isn't exactly healthy nor wise. I learned that long ago. I think I am going to try to go back to just being myself .

You are welcome! I've felt that pain and disappointment keenly. I haven't felt it for a long time now because I haven't had that deep of a connection with anyone online.

That is both a relief and a disappointment. My life is more balanced now but something is missing. Something I crave is gone. Something that is my essence is for the most part, not being used. I prefer when it is being used. I find great joy in giving that to another with whom I share respect and caring.

An online relationship can be so gloriously intense when it's right. Ideally as you have said is the case with you and your lady, you don't have a lack of trust despite all the unknowable's. I certainly felt that way. I trusted implicitly. I should have asked for certain promises but it never occurred to me until he was gone.

I'm not sure you overreacted at all. You were hurt. That's only natural IMO. I'm not sure how one can control that in the future but I wish you luck with that.

I know what you mean about the impulse to forgive I HATE to punish. I HATE being the adult. I HATE making the hard decisions.

Since I have kids, most of that is on me. Sometimes, since I know I tend to forgive too easily as is my nature, I do swing back too hard the other way. My eldest bears the brunt of this as she more oppositional than her younger brother and challenges me the most. The funny thing is, she tends to be more angry when I forgive than when I punish. She is so not like me in so many ways.

I grew up in an unpredictable, brutal, passionate scary home. I would have been thrilled to be let off the hook at times! She needs me to slam down on her hard from the first infraction to feel safe, due mostly, to what my ex was like with her before he died.

The truth is that I feel we have very few rules. The rules we do have we are pretty damn consistent with enforcing. I've gotten better over the years though. So has she. I am not a Top or a Domme. I don't want to be in charge but someone has to step up and make things happen. That someone is almost always me. I can count on me alone to do what has to be done.

Anyway, I got off topic a bit, sorry.

You can only be your core self, so going back to who you are is best I think. Sure we can change from time to time but that core resists changes.

I wish you and your lady all the best,

Fury

 

[raven2]

You are welcome! I've felt that pain and disappointment keenly. I haven't felt it for a long time now because I haven't had that deep of a connection with anyone online.

That is both a relief and a disappointment. My life is more balanced now but something is missing. Something I crave is gone. Something that is my essence is for the most part, not being used. I prefer when it is being used. I find great joy in giving that to another with whom I share respect and caring.

An online relationship can be so gloriously intense when it's right. Ideally as you have said is the case with you and your lady, you don't have a lack of trust despite all the unknowable's. I certainly felt that way. I trusted implicitly. I should have asked for certain promises but it never occurred to me until he was gone.

I'm not sure you overreacted at all. You were hurt. That's only natural IMO. I'm not sure how one can control that in the future but I wish you luck with that.

I know what you mean about the impulse to forgive I HATE to punish. I HATE being the adult. I HATE making the hard decisions.

Since I have kids, most of that is on me. Sometimes, since I know I tend to forgive too easily as is my nature, I do swing back too hard the other way. My eldest bears the brunt of this as she more oppositional than her younger brother and challenges me the most. The funny thing is, she tends to be more angry when I forgive than when I punish. She is so not like me in so many ways.

I grew up in an unpredictable, brutal, passionate scary home. I would have been thrilled to be let off the hook at times! She needs me to slam down on her hard from the first infraction to feel safe, due mostly, to what my ex was like with her before he died.

The truth is that I feel we have very few rules. The rules we do have we are pretty damn consistent with enforcing. I've gotten better over the years though. So has she. I am not a Top or a Domme. I don't want to be in charge but someone has to step up and make things happen. That someone is almost always me. I can count on me alone to do what has to be done.

Anyway, I got off topic a bit, sorry.

You can only be your core self, so going back to who you are is best I think. Sure we can change from time to time but that core resists changes.

I wish you and your lady all the best,

Fury

Thanks Fury, you certainly seem to understand where I am coming from. I don't mind being an adult but I hate disappointing anyone and so hard decisions are not high on my list either although I do have to make them.
I have made some mistakes in the last week that i wouldn't have had I been thinking clearly and I am determined not to make them again.

 

[shy slave]

I admit a curiosity as to what her she did online to envoke the orginal punishment.

I was also slightly disturbed that your first post mentions its an online relationship, yet your post only focuses on an additional punishment for not answering your call; without any acknowledgement that her real life may have a serious issue that prevented her from being their to get her reward for being good.

That is not to say you disregarded it, but you chose not to acknowledge that you may also have genuine concerns about her well being

 

[raven2]

I admit a curiosity as to what her she did online to envoke the orginal punishment.

I was also slightly disturbed that your first post mentions its an online relationship, yet your post only focuses on an additional punishment for not answering your call; without any acknowledgement that her real life may have a serious issue that prevented her from being their to get her reward for being good.

That is not to say you disregarded it, but you chose not to acknowledge that you may also have genuine concerns about her well being

That, unfortunately will have to stay between us. I am also sorry you feel that I did not have any genuine concerns for her welfare. Just because i did not mention it in the first post does not mean I wasn't worried about her.

 

[LunarKitten]

Well, as long as her not answering didn't have a good reason, I would suggest a three page essay about protocol. When told to be at a certain place at a certain time by your Top, you should always be prompt. Maybe a good go at Emily Post will help cure her disregard for orders.