question about patience

[Kikori]

I wouldn't limit it to one year. Two lines really jumped out at me.

When we were both interested it was both of us that initiated, although now it's me that initiates although not very often because he has said it makes him feel horrible to not be able to give me anything.

I usually don't want to bring the topic up because it makes him feel like shit that we're not fucking like rabbits.

That's a self esteem issue.

1.) When you have sex, do you get pleased? Do you have your own orgasm?
2.) Is his penis too small to really do much for you? That's probably something he may think, which could get him down.
3.) Have you two only tried normal sex instead of anything that may be a bit kinkier or work better? Lord knows he can please you with other parts of his body, especially the mouth and fingers. If he's that worried about not bringing you off, he may need to use his imagination on how he can.

The answers to these are probably a bit evident. If you do get pleased and have an orgasm, let him know. If he feels like crap for not pleasing your body when he actually can do so, he needs to know he's not failing. If size isn't a problem, he needs to know that, too. If size IS a problem, then there are toys, different parts of his body that can do things for you, andfetishes that can work as well as sex (or even lead to better sex).

Still. I can only think this is a self esteem issue from him that he feels guilty for not being a good sex partner. If he drills that so hard in his head, he has to be shown he's good otherwise. This most likely means you'll have to take control of the situation and possibly become a bit more dominant. As long as he knows he's doing a good job if he really is, it should help drive the idea OUT of his head. And if he's actually bad, it is possible to teach someone whether or not they're really horny, it just works better when they are. As long as you don't threated to give up on him due to being sexually unpleased, it shouldn't drive the stake in that he's bad with sex, so give him a shot at learning what he's good at before considering leaving.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks to everyone that posted replies.

with everyone's advice, either for or against, I decided to wait until our lease is up in a year, and if by then nothing has improved--with either of us because this is half my responsibility too--then I'm moving on, as hard as that will be. Living my life waiting and waiting is not what I envision for myself.

Thanks!

This sounds like a pretty good plan.

I'd only caution you on the "if nothing has improved" part because, if you're like many of us, it's likely you'll look for any kind of improvement--perhaps even the kind that's not really there or is temporary--because you want it to be there so badly.

So, you might consider changing that to "if there hasn't been marked, sustainable improvement," and looking at the efforts and results with a critical eye as the deadline draws near. Going to the doctor and working on his issues (preferably with a good therapist) ASAP are two good, measurable steps. The same goes for him initiating sex more often, continuing to improve until you reach a compromise and sustaining that level most of the time (let's face it: life gets in the way and all relationships have sexual ups and downs). Basically, look for how much effort he puts into solving this as soon as possible and sustain it over time. He may very well not be all the way 'there' in a year, but hopefully he will have done his best to get there the entire time and will be at a level you can live with by then.

I still don't think it's a bad idea to discuss how both of you feel about having an open relationship, just as a hypothetical. It's one of those things that we rarely think to talk about before marriage, unfortunately, but it's really nice to know you're on the same page if one of you became ill/injured to the extent that sex wasn't possible long-term, or you grew apart sexually but wanted to stay together. It's definitely worth some conversation, IMO.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Loss of libido in young adults is not usually a problem in itself. Most often, it's a symptom of something much more fundamental. You may not have any complaints apart from the lack of sex but is your guy happy in himself? Low self esteem, loss of libido and so on are often signs of clinical depression.

You said that he feels bad because 'he has nothing to give you' in return. Feeling that one has nothing to offer others is a very depressive trait.

Does he have fulfilment in other areas of his life? His career? His relationships with family and friends? If it isn't sex, what truly brings your man joy? If the answer is a resounding 'not much' then I think you need to consider that he might be clinically depressed. Depression has causes that are both psychological and medical/neurological so a more holistic approach is needed than simply sending him to the doctor to inform him/her that he has a low sex drive.

Before you make any kind of commitment to this guy or run for the hills in the opposite direction, you should start asking him the hard questions and encouraging him to talk. He might feel bad if you bring up the lack of sex but if he won't even talk about it and share his feelings, how can this issue ever be resolved?

What does he want from life? Where does he see himself heading in years to come? Depressed people often find it hard to make long term plans and set themselves major life goals. They coast along in whatever the status quo may be because they lack the motivation and self belief to make positive changes to their lives. Don't allow your guy to sleepwalk into marriage for want of a better idea. Both of you are worth more than that.

I reserve the right to be way off base here, this is just the impression I got as I read through the thread.

 

[DreamsInSilence]

Kikori:

1.) When you have sex, do you get pleased? Do you have your own orgasm?

it's more pleasing in certain postitions, and I could take more into my own hands with it, but we've yet to do that. His penis is fine for me, I don't have any worries about that. We've tried other things other than sex- fingers, mouth, etc--which hasn't been the greatest for me. I need to be very specific I guess with instructions....

Velvet Darkness:

we have talked about the possibility of depression-- coming from experience I know how deadening it is, and he's going to see what can be done about figuring out that too.

SweetErika:

We've talked about an open relationship; he said he would be willing to try but i dont' think he would be whole heartedly okay with it. He's really the monogamous type.

I'm just going to wait this year and do what I can to improve things. Hopefully things don't go completely sour before then.