Question about love

[hockeyfan04]

In February of 2003 on a trip to San Francisco I met and fell in love with a friend of mine named Christine. She and I dated for over 11 months. There were some rough times in there, but never did I stop loving her. In the beginning of February this year we broke up. Well, she dumped me, to put it bluntly. My problem is that I still love her. It's been almost 6 months since we broke up, but my feelings haven't changed. I may be extremely hurt, but I still truly love her, and I wish I didn't. My question for all of you is; how long did it take you to get over a love? Yes, I may only be 18, and some people don't think I know what love is, but I know I loved her more than anything in the world, and I still do. It's already been half the time our relationship lasted, and I wanted to know how much longer it is going to be until it stops hurting. Christine reads these forums so I would not be surprised if she reads this. I guess in a sense I want her to know how I feel still, but I know nothing can happen between us anymore. Any stories about lost loves and advice on how to get over one would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all.

-Brian

 

[firefighter02]

Pull up a chair son...Let an old firefighter give you some advice. (Of course you have to buy me a beer first).

My first real love happend when I was about your age. I remember her even today. I let her go because I didn't know what to do, and it hurt. Hurt like hell to be exact, and honestly there isn't anything in the world you can do about it. I loved her back then, and even 15 years later (shit I just dated myself) I still love her as I did back then. A first love isnt' one easily forgotten. And yes she knows how I feel still, even though our lives have both taken completely different paths.

The love after that was totaly different. The one that everyone says will come along some day, or so I thought. But things went south as they often do, and one day we both woke up and realized that we weren't in love with each other and probably never had been to start with.

I've had a few loves in my life. All of them seemed to be better than the one that came before, and all had thier own good and bad points. And every one seemed to slip away long before I knew they were gone.

There is no timeline on how long it hurts, or when you can move on. For me it has always seemed to take almost as long to get through things and move on, as I spent on the relationship. I.E. if we were together a year..it took almost or a lilttle over a year to move forward.

No matter what, you should know that it is ok to still love someone even though you may not be with them anymore. Love, the kind that is real and is based on respect, honesty, faith, trust and friendship...that love lasts forever. And even though she may not love you anymore, or doesn't show you the same amount of love you feel for her, it doesn't mean you still can't love her for what she has brought into your life.

Take time, and don't expect answers overnight. The only relationship that was based on love that I ever walked away from feeling ok with it, was one where I was given the chance to tell her how I felt a few years after we went our seperate ways. For me it was the ability to bring closure to the whole thing, and to let her know that no matter what I loved her enough to want to see her happy, whether that was with me or not. Love isn't a captive device and you dont neccesarily need to be with someone to love them.

I can think of a couple of people off hand in my life right now that I love, although dating them would be out of the question. Doesnt' mean that I can't love them, but rather that I love them for who they are, and for the things I know they can become. And giving them that freedom to go find those things, and knowing that I care enough to love them that much is really the greatest gift you can give someone.

Hang in there son, things will get better before you know it, and even if you carry that love for her the rest of your life, if you truly love her, all you will ever want for her is to see her truly happy.

Thanks for the beer..

FF

 

[cannedkoala]

I've been lurking these forums for a while now

Your post just then fireman, made me feel compelled to come out of the shadows and say that was the best post I have EVER read...so wise and has given me a totally new perspective on love

Excuse me while i go read it again

 

[midwestyankee]

Hockeyfan, I hope you listened to FF because his advice was sound.

FF and I may have seen your post slightly differently, though. My take is that you want to put an end to your suffering and hurt but don't know how. This will happen as soon as you let it happen.

Let me explain. You cannot control these feelings of hurt that are coming to you. They just arrive. When they occur, it is up to you to choose how you react to them. If you dwell on them, you'll feel like shit. If you say to yourself, "Oh yeah, there's that hurt feeling again. I don't need that one today," the feeling will soon fade away and you can get on with your day. The point is that while you can't control the arrival of feelings, you certainly can influence their departure by refusing to dwell on them. Fill your mind with something else and they will be gone.

Young lovers often create shrines to lost loves. They keep letters and photos and other memorabilia that remind them of the lost love. Have you done this? If so, this could be part of your problem.

For some reason, shrines like this are more popular with those who get dumped that those who do the dumping. If you have such a shrine, spend a few final moments with it, remember a few good times that the two of you had together, and then box that stuff up and put it away. Every moment you continue to spend with your memorabilia will encourage more of those hurt feelings.

So, to sum this up neatly: you are probably doing one or more things to encourage the arrival or persistence of these hurt feelings. If you don't want them, let them go and stop encouraging their return.

On the other hand, if it soothes your soul to feel miserable then I have another small bit of advice. People who dwell on the misery in their lives find more misery than most people.

You will find in life what you look for.

 

[firefighter02]

I've been lurking these forums for a while now

Your post just then fireman, made me feel compelled to come out of the shadows and say that was the best post I have EVER read...so wise and has given me a totally new perspective on love

Excuse me while i go read it again

*Blushes* Thank you..you made my day more than you will ever know.. .Welcome to Lit..
FF

 

[firefighter02]

Young lovers often create shrines to lost loves. They keep letters and photos and other memorabilia that remind them of the lost love. Have you done this? If so, this could be part of your problem.

For some reason, shrines like this are more popular with those who get dumped that those who do the dumping. If you have such a shrine, spend a few final moments with it, remember a few good times that the two of you had together, and then box that stuff up and put it away. Every moment you continue to spend with your memorabilia will encourage more of those hurt feelings.

Damm good advice Yank!! There are many things in life that we need to box up and put away in the closet. You will know they are still there, but moving forward and not dealing with them on a day to day basis is sage advice.

FF

 

[short_circutz]

It's happened to me twice....

The first time it happened, to make a long story short, because of a family problem I didn't show up for a coffee date with a very sweet and caring girl that I had a mad crush on, and had been wanting to date for about 2 years....I didn't hear anything from her for three days after that. Then I read the newspaper. She was found dead in her apt. I later found out from info her father gave me that she died on the night I was supposed to go meet her. I still think about her all the time 10 years later, and still keep a pic of her in my car and on my dresser.

edited to add:

I feel some guilt to this day thinking thast if I had gone over she may still be alive today. Maybe she had some really bad issues she needed to talk to someone about. If that was the case and I didnt show up...maybe she thought I didn't care either...anyone who knows me knows that I'd give the shirt off my back to a friend in need....


The second time was a girl I dated for a few months last year. I totally fell in love with her and I treated her 3 year old daughter as if she were my own. We split up (amicably). She is now engaged to a wonderful guy that treats her and her daughter vwery well. I still have very strong feelings for her but know it was not meant to be so we remain friends.

 

[Astrum]

I think there are very different types of love and your type of love for a person changes after you split up. For me it turned from a romantic love to a deep caring love. So definetely analyze your feelings and know exactly what kind of love you're feeling.

As far as getting over it... Well it will never stop hurting completely. Just realize that just because you loved her doesn't mean you can't love someone else. The best way to get it out of your mind is to move on.

You can also try and be friends with her. I wanted to be friends with my ex. She was like a best friend to me, I could tell her anything and she would comfort me and vise versa. Unfortunately things didn't work out. Long story short she was/is screwing up her life with drugs and alcohol and it just hurt me to much seeing that happen to her.

PS - Sorry if anything doesn't make sense, I haven't slept in days because of this horrible insomnia I'm having .

 

[curious2c]

*sigh*


I still love several of my old girlfriends, and we all broke up years ago. Firefighter was right about all he said too. You never really 'get over' a lost love or break up with a lady, if you truly love them. You learn to deal with the pain, the loss, and that emptyness. Truly loving a woman means being able to let her go even though it pains you to your very soul.

I've been married for over twenty years now and whenever I think backto my single days and the loves I had I can still see, taste, and smell them. Things like that probably never go away. Which in no way takes away from my wife and my love for her either by the way.

You are learning that love is that one special emotion that will take you down or raise you up in that wild ride of life. Take care, but know when to move on. There will be others...trust me on that. It isn't easy, it isn't without pain, but there will be others for you to love and cherish.

 

[dollface007]

Wow...it's great how the guys jumped all over this one

I've only been in love once and the relationship lasted for about 2 years. I got dumped as well (although he claims i dumped him...he's delusional). However, as soon as he walked out the door, i felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The relationship had run its course, and i never realized how hard i was working to keep it together. I actually think this is an optimal break-up situation. It still hurt like hell, but i could digest it at a cognitive level. It took me about 4 months to speak to him again and about 6 months to decide i would always love him but i was over the idea of us being a "couple."

Being broad-sided in an unexpected breakup is a whole different thing. I think for me, it basically hurts until I get closure. Talk to her about it, argue with her about it, do a psychological self-examination, do what you have to do to get closure so that you can say to yourself, "this is why it didn't work. this is why it would never work. i don't want to go down this road again."

Also....

Young lovers often create shrines to lost loves. They keep letters and photos and other memorabilia that remind them of the lost love. Have you done this? If so, this could be part of your problem.

this is sooooo true. And you can build a shrine in the mind as well. We're all human, and putting people on pedestals really screws with your head.

 

[sheath]

I logged on to respond and then I read firefighter's response...

Wow.

Listen to what FF had to say. Then yank's follow-up clinches the deal. I don't think it gets any clearer than that.

Good job, fellas.

S.

 

[seekingjoy]

you made mine too

*Blushes* Thank you..you made my day more than you will ever know.. .Welcome to Lit..
FF

My SO tends to be about as deep as a puddle where the emotional side of love is concerned. I accept it but in my heart of hearts I hope there's really more there that he is just afraid to show.

These posts made my night. It's so wonderful to know there are real men out there who think and feel and process information and react.

And FF gave great advise. I think we've all been there. I was madly in love in my mid-20's. I have this small desire to run into him some day to see if I still have any feelings. I'd never act, I'd just like to know. I doubt that will ever go away completely. Because it was real love.

 

[shell seeker2]

I was 18 the first time I fell in love. As time went on (for 11 1/2 years) it became evident that it was love. After 10 years I decided after no committment to move (the best thing I ever did for myself). I realized that I had lost "me" during that time. He moved to be with me after a year of being in different states. Needless to say, things did not work out for numerous reasons. I now know what I want and deserve and will not settle until I find it. I'm the happiest I have been for a long time.
All you can do is be true to yourself and make sure you don't change who YOU are. Good luck to you.
By the way, I'm seeing someone now and he is absolutely wonderful. So everything will work out!

 

[ReadyOne]

For what it's worth, here's an operative defination of love that seems to work very well.

Love is more concern for the welfare of some one or thing than for your own welfare.

 

[midwestyankee]

For what it's worth, here's an operative defination of love that seems to work very well.

Love is more concern for the welfare of some one or thing than for your own welfare.

I would amend this to say that love is acting on your concern for the welfare of another more than for your own.

 

[hockeyfan04]

Wow

I'd really like to thank you all, especially you Firefighter. Your words really meant a lot and helped me to understand things a little more. In response to the shrine thing, yeah, I have made one. I was so surprised when I read that it just hit me. I just keep everything that reminds me of her in a cabinet that I don't open. I know I should get rid of those things, but it hurts too much. I know it'd probably help me to move on faster, but I just can't force myself to get rid of it all. And the quote "Love is more concern for the welfare of some one or thing than for your own welfare." That is what it was. I couldn't think of a better explanation of my feelings for her. It just helps to know that there are others out there who know what pain I've been through, and that you've all made it past and become happy again. It gives me hope, so thank you all.

-Brian

 

[watergirl]

A while.

I fell in love when I was 18 or 19, and it lasted a few months. He broke up with me, and I was so distraught over getting dumped. But while we sat together, with him telling me why it was over, I was cried myself silly, but pulled it together and told him that I wished him well and hoped someday he'd find the right person for him. I lost track of him for about six years, but recently found out he's dating a girl I went to college with, and they seem to adore each other. I hardly recognized him in the picture she sent, and can't find anything in my heart but a vague fondness for the memories I have of him.

I fell in love again when I was 20, and I dated that guy for almost 5 years. We lived together for a couple years, even.

He broke up with me a couple years ago, and it's taken me a good year and half, two years to completely heal and move on and forgive him, but he's my best friend and really has been throughout, with occasional rough spots.

I realize that I'm lucky to have such good guys in my past. I give my heart less readily than I used to, but I also don't carry around distrust or bitterness; someday I'll meet the right guy, and it will be magical.

I'm 27, and I love someone incredibly much right now. He doesn't return the feeling, so I'm content with the friendship we have, flirt when he's in the mood, and enjoy the friendship that we do have.

I like the idea one of the characters in Adaptation has: It's not who loves you, it's who you love. That says a lot about who you are.

Good luck, and try to let it fade. It hurts, but time helps.

 

[short_circutz]

FF, your post is probably the best one on this thread. Well said, and very thoughtful.

 

[CoyoteTales]

Brian-san:

There's a lot of good stuff already here -- heck, -great- stuff that I wish I'd had at hand when I broke up with someone for the first time. But I'll weigh in with my own thoughts, starting with Coyote's First Rule:

Everyone's path will eventually uncross from yours, sooner or later.

You don't always have control over when it happens.

Sometimes you can recross paths with someone later. Sometimes it happens when you least expect it. Lots of songs have been written about that very subject.

What matters more, really? The fact that you loved her like nothing else in the world, or the fact that she's gone?

Your feet dictate your path. You can, if you want, stay proverbially in one place, and hope she finds her path back to yours.

Or, you can walk on -- knowing that you walked alone before you crossed paths with her for the very first time -- and knowing that perhaps one day, she'll find you again.

But this way, there's an equal or better chance that you'll cross paths with someone who gets along with you even better.

You have sustained a relationship over the 90-day hump. That says a lot about your likeability, and you got over rough spots, which says something about your ability to forgive and get past pain.

You have a lot of potential, and, dare I say it, a proven track record.

First love is always the hardest to get over. You ask yourself what you could have done better, over and over.

But trust me. The next person you find will get the benefit of all you are -- and the desire to get it right this time, too. Maybe whoever she is will see the things in you that your ex couldn't.

Best journeys to you.

-CoyoteTales