Question about engagement

[Society]

I've asked this on another forum but they are just flaming me, and telling me WHAT to do as if they're my mother. Anyways....


I've been with my SO for 6 months now...We're pretty happy together and understand each other quite well(would I say 100 percent, no about 98 percent) But we're really into each other and wouldn't mind being engaged to each other on our one year in jan. I was thinking about talking to her parents and seeing if I can get their blessing on it, but I've also thought about saying that I want to get engaged to her within 6 months AFTER the year or 2 years in...yes I'm thinking ahead about this, and so has she. I really do love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, I don't care about what kind of other girls there are out there honestly. But am I doing the right thing asking her parents or should I just wait til the time frame I want to and just go ahead and ask her to marry me without talking to them?


I've already got my goals for myself in life set up straight and accomplishing them, but I was just wondering am I wrong with going with what both my HEART and BRAIN want? I know marriages nowadays end in divorce but that doesn't mean I'll be a statistic exactly..how in the world can they say this will imply to ALL marriages that are young? She doesn't want to be married til she's 21 anyways and by then I'll be 26 or so. She's going to college in the fall asl well, but I know people that dated for a year or two and got engaged and are just fine.


Thoughts on this please. But more then likely I'll do what I want, and this isn't just sudden I've been thinking about it hard for the past 2 months.

Thanks.

 

[bisexplicit]

So, my question is - how old are you now?
Things can change when people go away to college, people mature, grow up, etc.
Right now, I think a "promise ring" would be more appropriate than an engagement one.

 

[Cathleen]

First of all, I think it is lovely you want her parents blessing. I remember when my sister became engaged, my brother in law asked my father (well, we were all there but...), they had already discussed it together before his asking my folks.

But, (here's the part you'll probably not like), you're both young. She hasn't gone to college yet, give it time. Get engaged if that is what is important to both of you but make it a long engagement. It sounds like your love will grow during that time so I don't see a reason to hurry.

When you and your girlfriend discuss engagement what does she think her parents will say? I think getting some feedback in a general sense is important. You sure seem like an man who gives thought to your life, so maybe taking more time for planning and thinking will help you both.

Ain't love grand!

 

[Ezzy]

She doesn't want to be married til she's 21 anyways and by then I'll be 26 or so. She's going to college in the fall asl well, but I know people that dated for a year or two and got engaged and are just fine.

He must be 5 and a bit years older than she is, if she is going to college in the fall she is going to be 18 by then so he would be 23 ish.

 

[Etaski]

Kewl, okay.

I will only give my experience, which I decided I liked. See if you do (and you don't have to, you know):
My husband is 5 years older than me. I met him while I was in college. I'm quite independent. We dated/lived together for 3 years before marrying. However, it was after a year that he asked if I would marry him, with a promise ring. I said yes, but nothing was set exactly. I wanted to graduate college first, and then see where we went from there, and he didn't mind waiting. He did not ask for my parent's blessing until we were ready to set a marriage date.

Like I said, it worked pretty well.

Good luck!

 

[Society]

So, my question is - how old are you now?
Things can change when people go away to college, people mature, grow up, etc.
Right now, I think a "promise ring" would be more appropriate than an engagement one.

I'm 23 and she's 18...yes we're a few years apart in age, but it's nothing but a number to us. I know things can change...I was going to go with a promise ring and say hey wear this and promise me you'll be engaged to me after college. I think thats a good idea.

 

[Society]

Kewl, okay.

I will only give my experience, which I decided I liked. See if you do (and you don't have to, you know):
My husband is 5 years older than me. I met him while I was in college. I'm quite independent. We dated/lived together for 3 years before marrying. However, it was after a year that he asked if I would marry him, with a promise ring. I said yes, but nothing was set exactly. I wanted to graduate college first, and then see where we went from there, and he didn't mind waiting. He did not ask for my parent's blessing until we were ready to set a marriage date.

Like I said, it worked pretty well.

Good luck!

This is EXACTLY what I wanted to do..not jump right into the engagement ring...I thought promise rings represented being engaged thats why I said engagement in the title.

 

[Society]

He must be 5 and a bit years older than she is, if she is going to college in the fall she is going to be 18 by then so he would be 23 ish.

You hit it on the nail

 

[Ezzy]

I'm 23 and she's 18...yes we're a few years apart in age, but it's nothing but a number to us. I know things can change...

He must be 5 and a bit years older than she is, if she is going to college in the fall she is going to be 18 by then so he would be 23 ish.

See, see I told you! Though how he is going to change the differences in their ages until she starts lying about her age!

 

[bisexplicit]

I'm 23 and she's 18...yes we're a few years apart in age, but it's nothing but a number to us. I know things can change...I was going to go with a promise ring and say hey wear this and promise me you'll be engaged to me after college. I think thats a good idea.

The numbers thing doesn't bother me either - I'm nineteen and my boyfriend is thirty five.
Just be prepared for things to change when she goes off to school.

 

[Society]

The numbers thing doesn't bother me either - I'm nineteen and my boyfriend is thirty five.
Just be prepared for things to change when she goes off to school.

Oh I know it'll change she'll be busy with that, meet new people and be working. But I'll still be by her side.

 

[Society]

Another question

About the promise ring? Do I still do it the same way as I would an engagement ring??? Do I still have to talk to her parents about that as well?

 

[Eilan]

The numbers thing doesn't bother me either - I'm nineteen and my boyfriend is thirty five.

Yeah, I'm 31 and my husband's 47, so numbers pretty much don't mean crap to me. I was 28, and not a teen, when we met, so by the time my hubby got to me I was old and cynical.

Just be prepared for things to change when she goes off to school.

That's true. You'd like to think that you know what's going to happen in the future, but that isn't always the case. My ex and I were both 20 when we got married, and we did a lot of growing up (and apart) in six years. We certainly didn't go into the marriage thinking, "Gee, if this doesn't work out, we can just get a divorce." Hell, we'd done premarital counseling through the Church (he's Catholic) and everything.

I don't regret anything that happened, but I do wish the outcome had been a little different.

I'm not attacking you or your love for your girlfriend; I don't know either of you. Just temper your optimism/idealism with a bit of realism. You will both grow/change--this will definitely apply to her once she goes to college. Your relationship will evolve--in both positive and negative ways--in response to these changes.

Good luck.

 

[silverwhisper]

society: there's no way to say this w/out sounding condescending so for that, i apologize beforehand.

you're both very, very young. the things you will each learn about yourselves from your current ages until you're around 24-26 are truly extraordinary. they really are, and it's impossible to overstate just how true that can be. if i'd married the person i was in love w/ at either of your ages, i'd have missed out on a lot of joy and had more sorrow.

for both of your sakes, i think you should wait until after you've completed your education. i've known & involved w/ my wife since 1990, we've been married since 1998 and i'm still learning things. yes, the difference in years isn't great, compared to other age ranges, but the years you're talking about are extremely important in the formation of personality.

if however that does not dissuade you--and frankly, when i was your age, nothing would have dissuaded me, either, nevermind some stranger who didn't know me on an internet discussion forum--may you not be a statistic.

ed

 

[JamesSD]

Another question

About the promise ring? Do I still do it the same way as I would an engagement ring??? Do I still have to talk to her parents about that as well?

I wouldn't worry about a blessing or anything so formal until you're close to the point of formal engagement.
Just make an effort to let her parents get to know you, and hopefully like you. I wouldn't worry about formalities yet. Take your time. Assuming things work out it won't matter that you did, and should things go wrong you'll be glad you didn't rush.

 

[fgarvb1]

I'm 23 and she's 18...yes we're a few years apart in age, but it's nothing but a number to us. I know things can change...I was going to go with a promise ring and say hey wear this and promise me you'll be engaged to me after college. I think thats a good idea.

.................................................................................................................................

Females change a lot between 18 and 25. You are doing the right thing by not getting in a hurry.

Their taste in most things change. Their taste in men changing can really be annoying. Divorces are not fun.

 

[AppleBiter]

society: there's no way to say this w/out sounding condescending so for that, i apologize beforehand.

you're both very, very young. the things you will each learn about yourselves from your current ages until you're around 24-26 are truly extraordinary. they really are, and it's impossible to overstate just how true that can be. if i'd married the person i was in love w/ at either of your ages, i'd have missed out on a lot of joy and had more sorrow.

for both of your sakes, i think you should wait until after you've completed your education. i've known & involved w/ my wife since 1990, we've been married since 1998 and i'm still learning things. yes, the difference in years isn't great, compared to other age ranges, but the years you're talking about are extremely important in the formation of personality.

if however that does not dissuade you--and frankly, when i was your age, nothing would have dissuaded me, either, nevermind some stranger who didn't know me on an internet discussion forum--may you not be a statistic.

ed

I think what was said here can be true, but not in every case. For example, I married my husband when I was 19 and he was 20. We have been happily married for 6 years and we've been together for 9 years. So, it can and does work for some people. Youth doesn't necessarily mean that you don't know what you're doing, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

I think you should go ahead and ask her, you don't need her family's blessing. It would be nice to have, I understand that, but you're taking a step at starting your lives together, just the two of you. So, her family's approval is rather inconsequential. I think you should follow your heart and do what you know that every fiber of your being is telling you to do. If you have any doubt in your mind, it can wait.

Corny as it sounds, I believe that if it's meant to be, nothing can stop it from happening. So, if you're unsure, put it off. But, if it's what you want more than anything in this world and you can't wait another moment, do it.

Best of luck to you

AppleBiter

 

[AppleBiter]

Another question

About the promise ring? Do I still do it the same way as I would an engagement ring??? Do I still have to talk to her parents about that as well?

No.

 

[EJFan]

i can personally address the college/age issue for you.

i went to college a little late in life (started at 26) and wound up spending a couple of years with a girl who was engaged when we started seeing each other. she was about 5 years younger than i was and hadn't been exposed to much of anything outside of her family and community. she broke her engagement, we dated a while, then we split up.

this isn't to say that you guys are headed for disaster but, as others have said, college DOES change people in a lot of ways. it's not good or bad necessarily, just different.

all you can really do is try. what's the worst that could happen? if it totally falls to shit, you'll likely get the ring back, your feelings/ego will be badly damaged... but all that heals man. if it's in your gut... and both your hearts... talk to her father/family and see what happens.

whatever the case, i wish you the best of luck.

 

[bisexplicit]

On a similar note...despite the fact that you're young; please don't take it to mean that anyone thinks that you're not intelligent enough, don't have enough foresight, or whatever. Because trust me, I get the "but you're /so/ young" thing all the time. And its not because people don't trust your judgement, its just they remember when they were young and how much things changed for them.
There is a good chance that you and your girl will stay together, its just important to be aware that even if you do, the nature of your relationship will change and that you guys need to give eachother room to grow.

 

[SweetErika]

I think there's a lot of validity to the "wait until you're older" theory, but more than that, I advocate just waiting. Most of the unhappy and divorced people I know failed to wait to see how they, their partners, the relationship, and life developed before making more of a commitment. They were in love (or thought they were), and moved in together and/or got engaged too quickly...sometimes those steps made it hard to get out of a bad relationship, sometimes they thought it would get better, and many of them got married when they were still in that honeymoon period and really thought it would bliss. In contrast, most of the happy couples I know waited a couple of years to make a bigger commitment like engagement or living together.

It sounds like the promise-type ring is a good way to go for you at this point. I wear the one my husband bought about a year and a half into our relationship on my right hand today. I agree- getting permission for it is a little premature. Continue to grow as individuals, make sure you both have plenty of time and space, get to know eachother, and strengthen the relationship. No matter what happens, you'll never regret taking your time. Good luck!

 

[Society]

Thanks so much everyone, the promise ring idea is what I'm going to do...I just still don't know how to go about that situation..I'm so inexperienced.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks so much everyone, the promise ring idea is what I'm going to do...I just still don't know how to go about that situation..I'm so inexperienced.

Well, my husband was visiting me in Spain, and said, "Hey Honey, I've really missed you and love you, so I was thinking maybe we could get you ring while I'm here. Something to represent my love." Then we went shopping, had a fantastic dinner, and great sex. We chose a ring we both thought was gorgeous and meaningful (and in his budget). It wasn't the most romantic pre-proposal in history, but it was absolutely perfect to me because it was coming from his heart.

So my point is that it doesn't really matter how you go about it as long as it's genuine and thoughtful.

 

[Society]

Well, my husband was visiting me in Spain, and said, "Hey Honey, I've really missed you and love you, so I was thinking maybe we could get you ring while I'm here. Something to represent my love." Then we went shopping, had a fantastic dinner, and great sex. We chose a ring we both thought was gorgeous and meaningful (and in his budget). It wasn't the most romantic pre-proposal in history, but it was absolutely perfect to me because it was coming from his heart.

So my point is that it doesn't really matter how you go about it as long as it's genuine and thoughtful.

Thanks for that info...I'll see what I can do about my situation for myself.

 

[EJFan]

Well, my husband was visiting me in Spain, and said, "Hey Honey, I've really missed you and love you, so I was thinking maybe we could get you ring while I'm here. Something to represent my love." Then we went shopping, had a fantastic dinner, and great sex. We chose a ring we both thought was gorgeous and meaningful (and in his budget). It wasn't the most romantic pre-proposal in history, but it was absolutely perfect to me because it was coming from his heart.

So my point is that it doesn't really matter how you go about it as long as it's genuine and thoughtful.

this is an incredible & romantic story! i'm so happy for you both!!!!

umm... you don't have an older, single sister, do you?