Pygmalion, my first story

[N8Dreams]

Would like to get any comments good or bad ones about my first story.

I titled it "Pygmalion"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=118173

 

[kinkynkazoo]

first story reply

I like the concept, but the story seemed choppy. The charactors were weak and unbelievable, especially Ariadne. I might suggest spending more time developing her charactor.

Her manner of speach was also way off for someone who died in 320bc. She would never have known it as 320 BC either.

Overall, the story had merit, but needs polish.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Welcome to Lit! And what a nice debut story.

I really liked this. You have a wonderful imagination, not just when it comes to plot, but more importantly (to me) your language and your imagery is fresh and creative. A few of the Anglicisms went right by me (I have no idea what that liquor he was drinking was, nor do I know what a 'redundant lift' is? Is that what we call a 'freight elevator' in the states?), but that's inevitable. What's more important is that you were able to use humor and inventiveness to keep me involved while the story developed.

I was going to object that some of the scenes were perhaps too long, and that some--his mother's visit, the interview at the job agency--were superfluous, but I see now how you used them to set off the improbability of the situation. I was also going to complain that the sex was too long delayed. We knew it was going to happen (this is Literotica, after all), but in the end it worked out just right. The sex scene was veryt sweet too. Just right.

There was one proofreading error that jumped out at me ("Thank goodness you've arrived," Cedric said in greeting, biting a toasted piece of buttered charcoal into.), but that happens. I also did a double-take when you talked about his marble statue showing a transparent gown. Just how is that done? Or did you mean "diaphanous"?

Also, she tells him she was born in 320 BC, before there was any notion of BC or AD. I thought this was a gaffe at first, but in light of what he learns at the end, I wonder now whether you intended that as a kind of tip-off to the reader.

I suppose you left the ending intentionally ambiguous: will he go to her or not. That's your prerogative as the author, of course, but I would have liked to have seen a happy ending for this one. It deserves it.

---dr.M.

 

[N8Dreams]

Re: first story reply

I like the concept, but the story seemed choppy. The charactors were weak and unbelievable, especially Ariadne. I might suggest spending more time developing her charactor.

Her manner of speach was also way off for someone who died in 320bc. She would never have known it as 320 BC either.

Overall, the story had merit, but needs polish.

even bad criticism is welcome, thanks. Without that I cant improve

 

[N8Dreams]

Welcome to Lit! And what a nice debut story.

---dr.M.

Thanks for your detailed criticism. Its my first story...
All advices are welcome to do a better job for my next story

 

[Rainbow Skin]

This is quite brilliant. You have an amazingly accurate visual sense of comedy: the farce is eminently filmable. It's Hattie Jacques and Eric Sykes and Ealing Comedies. Not only that, but you are (usually) very effective in verbal humour too.

It could have done with one more re-reading, to find the (unimportant) editing errors, and I hope you would tone down one or two purely verbal excesses: 'congealed... concealed', and 'declined decidely' on the first page clash unnecessarily, and 'beverage' doesn't serve a point.

All the characters are perfectly sustained. They're immediately recognizable, vivid comic characters, always consistent and three-dimensional.

And, astonishingly, on top of all this, the transition between comedy and seriousness is also about as well performed as it could possibly be. That was a huge risk. And the whole thing works so well on every level.

Edit for dr_mabeuse: The constant repetition of the Lucozade was hilarious. You need to know this one. It's an orange glucose soft drink, like a sports energy drink, but has been around for donkey's years, long before they became fashionable. It's liquor about like a cup of cocoa is.

 

[N8Dreams]

Rainbow,

thanks for your kind comments. You engaged me go on with writing.
As a female you have another view, closer to mine.
Would you want become my editor for my next story?