Pushing...

[lily_pond]

Hello everyone,

I hope this is okay to ask. I have asked this before in other places & have never really gotten an honest answer.

Is it okay for a submissive to push their Master or Mistress?

What I mean is not physically push but mentally push & not to the point he or she gets angry, but pushing to get some type of reaction out of him or her.

I have pushed my Master but have gotten no type of reaction. Am I wrong to do this? And seeing that there is no reaction should I question myself: "do I make him happy?"

Please be honest with me for my welcomes your thoughts & answers.

Be well & safe respectfully,

lily

 

[A Desert Rose]

I am not sure if you and I are thinking of the same thing Lily, regarding pushing, but I think it would not be a good idea. In my previous experiences, it not only didn't work, but it made my Dom just a wee bit unhappy with me. I am speaking of pushing in a teasing way.

I am just not really sure what you are asking.

If you mean suggesting (or "pushing") new techniques and sexual play, and he is not responsive to that, maybe he has a problem communicating. Or maybe you aren't communicating it to him effectively.

Could you perhaps be a little more specific. I know there are many here who are much more articulate and experienced than I, who can respond to your question a lot better.

I will be interested in hearing from them, myself.

Rose

 

[artful]

Hello everyone,

I hope this is okay to ask. I have asked this before in other places & have never really gotten an honest answer.

Is it okay for a submissive to push their Master or Mistress?

What I mean is not physically push but mentally push & not to the point he or she gets angry, but pushing to get some type of reaction out of him or her.

I have pushed my Master but have gotten no type of reaction. Am I wrong to do this? And seeing that there is no reaction should I question myself: "do I make him happy?"

Please be honest with me for my welcomes your thoughts & answers.

Be well & safe respectfully,

lily

Shooting in the dark with this post, but,...There are times for OPEN discussion,...those are the times when a sub and Dom/me can EFFECTIVELY communicate.

Trying to carry on a dialogue WITHIN a *play*, just doesn't work. That is topping from the bottom,...and it doesn't do anything to aid satisfaction to either partner.

(JMHO)

 

[lily_pond]

I am not sure if you and I are thinking of the same thing Lily, regarding pushing, but I think it would not be a good idea. In my previous experiences, it not only didn't work, but it made my Dom just a wee bit unhappy with me. I am speaking of pushing in a teasing way.

I am just not really sure what you are asking.

If you mean suggesting (or "pushing") new techniques and sexual play, and he is not responsive to that, maybe he has a problem communicating. Or maybe you aren't communicating it to him effectively.

Could you perhaps be a little more specific. I know there are many here who are much more articulate and experienced than I, who can respond to your question a lot better.

I will be interested in hearing from them, myself.

Rose

Dear Rose,

My Master has been distant as of late, this is why I have decided to push a bit to get some reaction. I miss his words of Dominance.

His silence kills me for I am not sure if I do right or wrong.

I hope that clarifies it a bit for you Rose. I am still trying to find the right words to put on paper.

Thank you for your reply.

Be well & safe respectfully,

lily

 

[lily_pond]

Re: Re: Pushing...

Shooting in the dark with this post, but,...There are times for OPEN discussion,...those are the times when a sub and Dom/me can EFFECTIVELY communicate.

Trying to carry on a dialogue WITHIN a *play*, just doesn't work. That is topping from the bottom,...and it doesn't do anything to aid satisfaction to either partner.

(JMHO)

Dear Sir,

I do not wish to top from the bottom. I do keep quiet during "play" but do speak when ask to. It's more of when we are not in "play" & there's total silence. I try to get my Master to react by asking questions or whispering sweet words so I may hear his voice of Dominance & guidance.

Am I still wrong for doing this?

Be well & safe respectfully,

lily

 

[A Desert Rose]

Dear Rose,

My Master has been distant as of late, this is why I have decided to push a bit to get some reaction. I miss his words of Dominance.

His silence kills me for I am not sure if I do right or wrong.

I hope that clarifies it a bit for you Rose. I am still trying to find the right words to put on paper.

Thank you for your reply.

Be well & safe respectfully,

lily

~~~~~~~~Everyone will say the same thing, just in a different way. But this is a definate communication problem between you and your Master. Do you ask him if you are pleasing him? I assume you are.

Art is correct in his post, at least based on my previous experiences, when he says that there are definate times to discuss and exchange ideas with your Master.

There is no way that I know of to force someone to talk to you when they don't want to. Maybe some of the Doms here can address this better than I can.

Thinking of you,
Rose

 

[MissTaken]

Hi lily,

Welcome to lit!

Is your Master aware of what your need is?

Does He realize that you sense something is amiss?

Have you tried talking to Him , saying simply "When you are so quiet, I feel as though I have let you down in some way....."

or whatever hte issue is?

We subs do what we feel we need to do.

Sometimes, we are right.

Sometimes we are wrong.

But, communication is always right!

hugs to you

 

[artful]

Re: Re: Re: Pushing...

Dear Sir,

I do not wish to top from the bottom. I do keep quiet during "play" but do speak when ask to. It's more of when we are not in "play" & there's total silence. I try to get my Master to react by asking questions or whispering sweet words so I may hear his voice of Dominance & guidance.

Am I still wrong for doing this?

Be well & safe respectfully,

lily

Thanks for the reply. Now I have somewhat a BETTER idea where you are coming from.
Initially,...my thought is that YOU are not getting the ATTENTION that you crave,...he is ignoring your nudges. (pushing)

All I can offer is to OPEN a focused disscussion with him, and with HONESTY,...tell him of your NEEDS. Listen to how he responds.

There are times when a Dom may not be prepared to handle the level of maintenance, (in this case EMOTIONAL), that a sub requires.

Once again,...honest communication between the two of you is ESSENTIAL. Hope this helps you in some way.

 

[lily_pond]

Hi lily,

Welcome to lit!

Is your Master aware of what your need is?

Does He realize that you sense something is amiss?

Have you tried talking to Him , saying simply "When you are so quiet, I feel as though I have let you down in some way....."

or whatever hte issue is?

We subs do what we feel we need to do.

Sometimes, we are right.

Sometimes we are wrong.

But, communication is always right!

hugs to you

Dear MissTaken,

I have voiced out to my Master that I feel something is missing. I have asked many times if I make him happy. His words to me are "puppet you make me very happy".

I don't know if maybe it's our busy lives that are making me feel this insecurity. I feel now by asking this that my heart is breaking.

Be well & safe respectfully,

lily

 

[lily_pond]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Pushing...

Thanks for the reply. Now I have somewhat a BETTER idea where you are coming from.
Initially,...my thought is that YOU are not getting the ATTENTION that you crave,...he is ignoring your nudges. (pushing)

All I can offer is to OPEN a focused disscussion with him, and with HONESTY,...tell him of your NEEDS. Listen to how he responds.

There are times when a Dom may not be prepared to handle the level of maintenance, (in this case EMOTIONAL), that a sub requires.

Once again,...honest communication between the two of you is ESSENTIAL. Hope this helps you in some way.

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your words. Yes, honest communication is essential I do agree. I have been that to my Master, but at times I don't think he hears me.

I fear so many things & I am starting to feel the insecurity come over my heart.

Be well & safe respectfully,

lily

 

[A Desert Rose]

I don't know if maybe it's our busy lives that are making me feel this insecurity. I feel now by asking this that my heart is breaking.

Be well & safe respectfully,

lily

~~~~~~~~~I am sorry Lily. I wish I had some answers for you, but I am very sure that there are many here who can help you.

Still thinking of you,
Rose

 

[artful]

I need to add also

Most often,...if it is a relationship that is WELL established, it may very well be he is dealing with STRESS in one or more areas of his life that you may not be aware of.

His physical well being, finances, car problems, job problems etc. Some people have to work through these things by THEMSELVES,...they don't know HOW to accept help externally.

Just a thought, but maybe it will help you better understand, when you DO have an open discussion with him.

 

[lily_pond]

~~~~~~~~~I am sorry Lily. I wish I had some answers for you, but I am very sure that there are many here who can help you.

Still thinking of you,
Rose

Dear Rose,

Thank you for your words I do hope to that someone here will be able to help me understand.

Be well & safe respectfully,

lily

 

[lily_pond]

Re: I need to add also

Most often,...if it is a relationship that is WELL established, it may very well be he is dealing with STRESS in one or more areas of his life that you may not be aware of.

His physical well being, finances, car problems, job problems etc. Some people have to work through these things by THEMSELVES,...they don't know HOW to accept help externally.

Just a thought, but maybe it will help you better understand, when you DO have an open discussion with him.

Dear Sir,

You are correct regarding stress. When I came back from Japan there was stress coming from everywhere. I have tried to help my Master distress & it has helped a wee bit.

I guess time will tell? Thank you once again for your words Sir.


Be well & safe respectfully,

lily

 

[spankableBelle]

i think what lily is trying to say or ask, is that outside of play...when a Master does not consistently act as a Master...simply as a friend, treating you as an equal rather than the sub that you wish to be to Him...when you have to pull out the Dom inside of Him, beg Him for direction, tasks, anything...when you are not sure of your place in His life, when you are not sure of the very relationship that you're supposed to have with Him...when coming right out and asking gets you absolutely nowhere...how far is it acceptable to push?

i understand this question because i know of her struggle with this relationship...but i also understand it because i have done the same in my marriage (vanilla though it is)...pulled and pushed and tried so damn hard to get something, anything at all...communication...and i've given up...long ago...because communication doesn't work just one way...and lily, in her own relationship is the one that communicates, pulls, pushes, etc...how far can she push? or pull? to get a reaction...or how far can she push? or pull? before asking for release...and i know it's probably only something that she can answer, but she wishes for help from others, advice, just some to say they understand...she doesn't want to give up...she doesn't want to ask for release...

you all are so wonderful around here...Dom/mes and subs alike...i told her about this board...i know you'll all try to help her the way you do with so many others...

belle

 

[Daedalus77]

Mindreading

Lily remember your dom is not a mindreader to your needs nor are you able to read his. Don't make assumptions, that gets us all in trouble. As a dom I answer the question I'm asked and I don't try to figure out the deeper meaning to it. (ok sometimes I do but don't count on it)

I think you are doing a very smart thing by posting because by trying to find the words to explain the problem to us you will most likely find the words to explain it to him.

We all go through rough spots and talking strait to one another is the best way out. Is what you two are busy with as important as your relationship? Take some time to find each other.

 

[lily_pond]

i think what lily is trying to say or ask, is that outside of play...when a Master does not consistently act as a Master...simply as a friend, treating you as an equal rather than the sub that you wish to be to Him...when you have to pull out the Dom inside of Him, beg Him for direction, tasks, anything...when you are not sure of your place in His life, when you are not sure of the very relationship that you're supposed to have with Him...when coming right out and asking gets you absolutely nowhere...how far is it acceptable to push?

i understand this question because i know of her struggle with this relationship...but i also understand it because i have done the same in my marriage (vanilla though it is)...pulled and pushed and tried so damn hard to get something, anything at all...communication...and i've given up...long ago...because communication doesn't work just one way...and lily, in her own relationship is the one that communicates, pulls, pushes, etc...how far can she push? or pull? to get a reaction...or how far can she push? or pull? before asking for release...and i know it's probably only something that she can answer, but she wishes for help from others, advice, just some to say they understand...she doesn't want to give up...she doesn't want to ask for release...

you all are so wonderful around here...Dom/mes and subs alike...i told her about this board...i know you'll all try to help her the way you do with so many others...

belle

Oh my dearest belle sis,

You know me well & know how long I have been struggling with this. You have driven the nail right into the coffin; please do not take that the wrong way. It’s a good nail.

Thank you for your words my beautiful sis I know my tears are of pure thankfulness for you understand & have been able to explain what I have not been able to find the right words to.

I love you with all of my you have been here to share all my happiest & saddest moments.

Be well & safe my beautiful sis

lily

 

[artful]

Re: Re: I need to add also

Dear Sir,

You are correct regarding stress. When I came back from Japan there was stress coming from everywhere. I have tried to help my Master distress & it has helped a wee bit.

I guess time will tell? Thank you once again for your words Sir.


Be well & safe respectfully,

lily

Time and patience are my recommended tools. Pushing probably will not help.(IMO) Being there for him, WHEN he is ready to open up, with a compassionate attitude, would be most helpful.

This is one of the tough times when committment will prevail.

 

[Trainerman]

lily...

To echo the words of others, this really does seem a communication problem. This is no different from similar cases in a vanilla relationship.....as shown by spankableBelle's post. Therefore, to me it seems straightforward...BDSM or Vanilla relationship:- if a means of communication cannot be found.......if that bridge of understanding cannot be built then it looks awkward, to say the least. Someone, somewhere HAS to get communicating.

Specifically , two points:- IF you think he is stressed and that you can help relieve this, could it be that he is inhibited by your need to have him as a Dom? In other words, do you need to take a 'time out' and give him 'permission' (in a sense) to be himself...or to be vulnerable and rely on YOU for a while?

Secondly, if face to face communication is difficult, perhaps you could write or even phone? I know it sounds a little bizzarre but any communication is better than none !
Good luck
David

 

[lily_pond]

Re: Mindreading

Lily remember your dom is not a mindreader to your needs nor are you able to read his. Don't make assumptions, that gets us all in trouble. As a dom I answer the question I'm asked and I don't try to figure out the deeper meaning to it. (ok sometimes I do but don't count on it)

I think you are doing a very smart thing by posting because by trying to find the words to explain the problem to us you will most likely find the words to explain it to him.

We all go through rough spots and talking strait to one another is the best way out. Is what you two are busy with as important as your relationship? Take some time to find each other.

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your words. I am aware that my Master cannot read my thought nor I his. I have voiced out my needs, but what is one to do when her or his needs are not heard? I promise not to make any assumptions Sir; I do agree 100% it calls for trouble.

Sir, my Master's PhD is important & I don't think know where I rank on his list of importance. Though I have made the comment to him "I am not important Master" & his reply has been "sweetheart you are important". My education is important to me but I place my Master as my #1 priority. I would be willing to give up every thing I have just to be with him 24/7.

Be well & safe respectfully,

lily

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Re: Re: Re: I need to add also

Time and patience are my recommended tools. Pushing probably will not help.(IMO) Being there for him, WHEN he is ready to open up, with a compassionate attitude, would be most helpful.

This is one of the tough times when committment will prevail.

Lily, this is excellent advice. Thank you Art, I was just going to say the same thing.

I know when my Master is quiet it is better to let him have his time to get in the right frame of mind. It doesn't mean he loves me any less, or that I please him less...just that he needs time to himself to unwind.

I also believe that you have to take what he tells you at face value....if he says you are important to him...you must believe him or else why stay with him? We have to understand that the outside things in life can interrupt what we feel we need. Your Master is working hard toward a goal he has set for himself... he needs your support and understanding, just as much as you need his.

JMHO.....take it for what its worth.

dixi

 

[lily_pond]

Re: lily...

To echo the words of others, this really does seem a communication problem. This is no different from similar cases in a vanilla relationship.....as shown by spankableBelle's post. Therefore, to me it seems straightforward...BDSM or Vanilla relationship:- if a means of communication cannot be found.......if that bridge of understanding cannot be built then it looks awkward, to say the least. Someone, somewhere HAS to get communicating.

Specifically , two points:- IF you think he is stressed and that you can help relieve this, could it be that he is inhibited by your need to have him as a Dom? In other words, do you need to take a 'time out' and give him 'permission' (in a sense) to be himself...or to be vulnerable and rely on YOU for a while?

Secondly, if face to face communication is difficult, perhaps you could write or even phone? I know it sounds a little bizzarre but any communication is better than none !
Good luck
David

Dear Sir,

Communication is a very big key to a happy & healthy relationship may it be “vanilla” or D/s. That I must agree on.

You might have a point regarding my Master being withdrawn to my needs. I have communicated to him in written words & in verbal my needs also.

Sir, regarding my Master being himself, he as always been that & I do not wish to change that about him. I just do not wish for a vanilla relationship when my heart calls for a D/s relationship.

Oh my, thank you Sir…I just said something that I never voiced out to my Master.

Thank you once again for your words.

Be well & safe respectfully,

lily

 

[spankableBelle]

i have seen your tears...i have seen your pain...i have seen your frustration...i have seen your persistance, and i have seen your compliance when one thing after another seems to come up and prevents you that which you need in a relationship, lily...but from all that i have read and watched and in parts experienced myself, being a Dom is a big responsibility...and with all that continues to build and add constantly to His stress, perhaps He is not suited for that responsibility at this time...your needs are important and are not being met...have not been met for many months now...and i don't think there is anything at all wrong with you being concerned about yourself and your well being when your Master is otherwise occupied with His own life more than He is with the relationship that you share...

one is willing to give everything and One is not able or willing to give even a fraction...(sighs)

i wish you happiness, my lily...i wish i could help in some way...

belle

 

[lily_pond]

Re: Re: Re: Re: I need to add also

Lily, this is excellent advice. Thank you Art, I was just going to say the same thing.

I know when my Master is quiet it is better to let him have his time to get in the right frame of mind. It doesn't mean he loves me any less, or that I please him less...just that he needs time to himself to unwind.

I also believe that you have to take what he tells you at face value....if he says you are important to him...you must believe him or else why stay with him? We have to understand that the outside things in life can interrupt what we feel we need. Your Master is working hard toward a goal he has set for himself... he needs your support and understanding, just as much as you need his.

JMHO.....take it for what its worth.

dixi

Dear dixi,

I do believe what my Master tells me; I don’t doubt him at all. If I doubted him then I would not have given him my heart & gift of submission. For I see doubt as a way of no trust. We must have trust to be able to give ourselves.

I support him in every way. I tell him that I have faith in him & know that he will have success in every thing he does. These are words that I whisper to him daily.

I do understand him & the importance of his PhD as he understands the importance of my studies. As many times that I have wanted to quit my studies he as be there to say, "you are not going to quit". And I so love him for that support; but there I also need his Dominance.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words. I am starting to feel some understanding of what I need to start doing.

Be well & safe respectfully,

lily

 

[artful]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I need to add also

Dear dixi,

I do believe what my Master tells me; I don’t doubt him at all. If I doubted him then I would not have given him my heart & gift of submission. For I see doubt as a way of no trust. We must have trust to be able to give ourselves.

I support him in every way. I tell him that I have faith in him & know that he will have success in every thing he does. These are words that I whisper to him daily.

I do understand him & the importance of his PhD as he understands the importance of my studies. As many times that I have wanted to quit my studies he as be there to say, "you are not going to quit". And I so love him for that support; but there I also need his Dominance.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words. I am starting to feel some understanding of what I need to start doing.

Be well & safe respectfully,

lily

Open and honest discussion, is good for ALL manner of ailments. Please keep us posted as to how your relationship grows even STRONGER, as you pursue your journey lily.