puppetgirl wants feedback

[puppetgirl]

http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=50328

Above I have pasted the URL for the first part of a multi-part story I have recently completed. I would welcome feedback.

Although I have written a great deal, even published quite a bit in local periodicals and chapbooks, my emphasis in the past has been on essay and rather academic (i.e. mostly cerebral) poetry. I have always wanted to write fiction beyond the demands (and limitations)of creative writing classes, and am very powerfully drawn to erotica.

I felt that my erotic fiction (postedhere)began very tentatively, then I found the same voice I have used in work with which I am more familiar (similies came to me after not coming to me, for example). I am just about to turn 21 and want very much to be a writer when I graduate from college. I am finding very unnexpected excitement and enthusiasm for writing in erotic fiction, but, because nobody who knows me as a friend or writer would suspect these thoughts are in me (I am reluctant to reveal this side of myself to friends) I have had absolutely no feedback.

Is this stuff any good?

Thanks a lot for your time and (brutal is okay, honest!) comments.

 

[the_bragis]

Hello and welcome to the family puppetgirl,

I am not an expert by any stretch, but I will offer you my opinions for what they are worth. Some would say, not much.

You story is well written, I noted nothing wrong grammatically, and all the punctuation looked fine...oh I did note one 'boys (pl.)hands...', which should have been boys' hands, but that's a common enough mistake.

It was interesing to me that you said many of your past efforts have been essays, because to me this felt more like an essay, than a story. This is why:

Linda asked me if I'd like to see some more pictures, and I told her I would.

This is an example of where you could have turned your 'essay' into a story. Dialog will always bring a story to life. Consider perhaps something like this instead:

"Would you like to see some more pictures?" Linda asked, smiling as she let her eyes drop down to my breasts.

"Sure I would," I replied, blushing and feeling more than a little excited at her suggestion.

It's a shame, but I felt, there were many missed opportunities for hot dialog thoughout your story.

I think too, reading your story out aloud would help. That's good solid advice everyone around here gives, and it works.

She stood up. She walked to me and took my hand again. She pressed her leg between mine, her naked thigh moving beneath my dress, nestling between my own naked thighs as I opened them wide, as she pressed her thigh into my cunt. She kissed me, holding me, pulling my against her naked breasts. She kissed my neck and I saw her nostrils flare, her eyes widen when she ..

Too many sentences beginning with 'she's really isn't there? When you read you work aloud, you notice things like that. Perhaps it could have been 'tightened' up.

Consider something like this perhaps.

She stood up and walked towards me, taking my hand in hers as she pressed her bare thigh under my dress and between my thighs...

I know it's a nerve racking experience posting your first story, or any story, and you always hope it will be well received by everyone. Please remember mine is only one person's opinion. Others may read your story and not wish to see a single change.

Overall, I felt like you have a real 'heart' for writting erotica, so please keep it up.

I wish you well with your future efforts.

Have a good day,

Alex (fem)

 

[puppetgirl]

Thank you Alex

Alex,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and comment. I agree with your suggestions; especially the lost opportunities for dialogue. The "She" repetition is a part of my essay style. Perhaps I need to use it more sparingly in fiction. It is also a repetition thing from poetry. Perhaps it didn't work well here.

Funny, but after I posted my forum request for comments, I reread the piece and found quite a few minor errors that should have been caught.

I think the story becomes more storylike and less essaylike as it develops. I wonder if after reading the rest of the chapters you would agree with that. By the end, I was feeling much more comfortable with fiction than I felt initially.

And thank you for the encouragement; truly, the heart is willing . . .


puppetgirl

 

[BodaciousTease]

"Sex, plain and simple"

I don't see the Literotica Forum Thought-Police rushing to review your story, so here is my two cents worth -- and to hell with the Thought-Police.

I appreciate that this is your first effort at fiction. You have a story here. That is certainly head and shoulders over many first efforts. I liked the narrator's voice that you created and the exposition (or essay style) can work -- to a point -- but not if you do it all the way through. If I was just reading this story on my own and not for feedback, I would have quit reading at the third paragraph. In fact that whole 3rd paragraph should be axed. To turn and address the reader directly is way too campy. You should never do that until you're experienced as a story teller, and then maybe not even then. It's one of those stunts that us mortals should never try at home.

I agree, almost totally, with what the_bragis, said. It's all good advise and should be heeded in any re-write or new story. In fact it's probably the best advise.

Since we're axing paragraphs lets take out the 4th paragraph as well. My gut reaction to this was -- come on, enough of the intro, lets start the story.

5th paragraph when you wrote: "You need to know more about me to know why I was so intrigued . . . "

Well, . . . yeah and no. The problem with that is most readers aren't going to put up with hearing your life story before they get to the "Sex, plain and simple" -- to use your words -- or any other motivation for reading your story such as any actual plot. These kinds of little nuggets of character fertilizer should be dropped sparingly and in small portions throughout your story, not dumped upon us like a load of manure on a new bed of flowers -- which pretty much kills everything.

6th paragraph -- an excellent paragraph but should be used at describing your feelings after making love to Linda the first time not in describing you lesbianism before the story starts.

Speaking of Linda, that could be a story in and of itself. You have used her, however, almost as a parenthetical diversion; presumably to build the characterization of the narrator (which is laudable) but it's far too long for a parenthetical side jaunt and doing so, in the way you've done here, loses so much of its energy because of the "psychic distance" thing I've talked about in other reviews. Either you need to shorten that up substantially or re-think your story's plot structure.

Okay, what i would recommend is looking at one example within your genera that has taken the narrative voice, sort of the way you were trying to do, and has done it extremely well. Take a look at DaphneX's story ( whom is one of the best writers on Literoctica in my opinion) of Probably Prada.

If you will notice although she writes in past tense and uses a strong narrative inner voice, she puts you right there in the action and you feel part of the story. By the first sentence of the second paragraph you are brought right into the plot arriving at the party. The story builds with strong description and character development. You learn about "Kate" not from her telling us who she is, or when she first discovered about sleeping with a women, but through her observations about other people. In fact we learn a great deal about Kate in this way which makes it all the more mysterious and interesting -- you want to read more. You learn she's very urbane, extremely educated, maybe a bit on the snobbish side, though not as snobbish as some of the people at the party. You also really FEEL her attraction to Darcy. This story is great.

If I had to give you one suggestion, it would be to read DaphneX's very carefully and try to emulate her. Look at her story of The Vicarious Lover -- BAM! The first sentence out of the box you are placed right in the story, right in the middle of a conversation.

So if we compare what i think is good writing with your first effort, I think you will see how detached from any real plot you have placed us. We are so pushed back from any action that it loses all of its force. We want to see the narrator actually interacting and leave a lot of the back story unsaid.

What you've done is a nice first try. I can't vote it very high (about a 2 I guess), not bad for a first entry but there are just too many better stories out there to get voted higher. Keep working on it. You got some interesting characters you need to flush them out in a re-write.

cheers

B Tease

 

[puppetgirl]

Using the constructive criticism . . .

Didn't want you to think I didn't read your comments--or appreciate them.

Too often, this sort of "thread" degenerates into a discussion about writing, sans writing. Or worse, the writer who asked for comments in the first place arguing with suggestions when she gets them.

I plan to write a new piece, hopefully incorporating some of the excellent comments, and ignoring others as a result of my own particular quirks and sensibilities.

This new story will, of course, be open for comment--and I welcome them

Thanks for the time and effort.

By the way, Alex . . .
I've lost your email addy. If you still have mine, please send me a message so I can forward you the new piece when it's ready.

puppetgirl

 

[estories69]

I enjoyed your story. You have talent. That is for sure. I agree with the one above about talking directly to your audience. It's ok, but not really needed at all.

The story about your first time could be a story by itself.

Keep it up.