Puns

[done_got_old]

I don't think the quarterback should have faked the throw and started to run. It was a faux pass.

 

[dashie33]

EDIT: Not really a pun, sorry.

 

[done_got_old]

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

 

[dashie33]

I have a friend who refuses to eat sushi. When I asked him why, he said, "I dunno, it just looks fishy."

 

[done_got_old]

https://scontent-lga3-1.cdninstagram.com/vp/84bb97c8e392abd0fee92d6ad2344ad5/5CEF8208/t51.2885-15/e35/p240x240/50603805_119903102413883_9152630965451643673_n.jpg?_nc_ht=scontent-lga3-1.cdninstagram.com&se=8

 

[dashie33]

I came to a sticky end when I masturbated with superglue.

 

[done_got_old]

I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.

 

[done_got_old]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTdufrKuEtD7jdvXBqaOI_h6jiyOF3iIhJLjhEwRZoQMdxDmdNfLg

 

[cyberking001]

jobs i have held

I used to work in a rifle factory making bullets.
The told me i wasn't the right caliber for the job.

I used to work in an orange juice factory.
I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate.

I used to work as a lumberjack.
They gave me the axe.

I used to work as a tailor.
It was a sew-sew job. I just wasn't suited for it.

I used to work at Starbucks.
Every day, just the same old grind.

I used to work as a chef.
I wanted to add spice to my life, but I didn't have the thyme.

I studied to become a doctor.
I just didn't have the patience.

I used to work at a shoe factory.
But I just couldn't fit in.

I use to be a fisherman.
I couldn't live on my net income.

I used to work at the gym.
They told me I wasn't fit for the job.

I wanted to become a historian.
But really, there is no future in it.

I used to work in a muffler repair shop.
I had to quit -- too exhausting.

I used to work at a battery factory.
I got discharged.

I used to work at a mattress factory.
I got fired because I was laying down on the job.

I wanted to be a proctologist.
They told me that I'm just an asshole.

I used to be a teacher.
They told me I had no class.

I wanted to work as a florist.
But there was no room for me to grow.

I used to work at a factory making sports equipment.
They told me that I didn't have the balls.

I wanted to be a hooker.
But everyone told me to fuck myself.

I wanted to write a letter to apply to work at a dictionary printing house.
But I just couldn't find the words.

I used to be a dentist.
I was always down in the mouth.

I used to work in a factory making prosthetic limbs.
But I just didn't have a leg to stand on.

I used to work in a clock factory.
I was fired for always being late to work.

I used to work at a TV station.
I just couldn't get with the program.

I used to work at a factory where they made artificial penises.
They told me that I was just a dick.

I used to specialize in doing circumcisions.
The pay was lousy, but the tips were really good.

I applied to work at Apple.
They told me that there were no Jobs.

I used to work at a glove factory.
I was fired for stealing --- you know, a five-finger discount.

I used to work in an aluminum factory.
I got canned.

I applied for a job as a fortune teller.
But I couldn't tell them where I wanted to be in five years.

I used to be a shepherd.
But every time I tried to count my flock, I fell asleep.

I got so despondent about not being able to find work,
that I phoned the suicide help line and told them that
I wanted to kill myself. Their help desk is in Iran.
They guy who answered the phone said to me ...
You want to kill yourself? We have a job for you!!!

So, working as a terrorist, I decided to blow up a bus.
Unfortunately, I burned my lips on the exhaust pipe.

 

[done_got_old]

Pun enters a room and
Kills 10 people.

Pun in, ten dead. ​

 

[done_got_old]

http://sampleaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/khakis.jpg

 

[dashie33]

My Rabbi is incredibly caustic. He must be an Acidic Jew.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If permanent marker stains stainless steel, stainless steel isn’t stainless, and if it doesn’t, permanent marker isn’t permanent

 

[KinkyChefGaia]

Prior to hiring, my employer requires that applicants pass a mouth-swab drug test that only detects drug use in the past three days. They're really setting the bar high.

 

[dashie33]

Only the true cow messiah would deny his bovinity.

 

[done_got_old]

I called the Land Registry
and the automated voice said,
“If you’d like to speak in Welsh, please press 1”.
Pressed 1... still can’t speak
Welsh​

 

[done_got_old]

My cat was scared by a dog once, she was petrified.

 

[done_got_old]

https://66.media.tumblr.com/9bb928d62a78ef2e8f98c9231effabde/tumblr_inline_p8xoxp0ZHh1r09riw_500.jpg

 

[mnbreastluver]

When you go to the liquor store and ask the person at the counter for help selecting a bottle, they become your spirit guide.

 

[done_got_old]

I am itching to solve those math problems. I just need scratch paper.

 

[done_got_old]

Thor was arguing with the trickster god. He said, 'Now Loki here...'.

 

[done_got_old]

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"

"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

 

[done_got_old]

Why do entrepreneurs keep themselves to themselves? They're great at minding their own business.

 

[done_got_old]

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/54372078_2058202044300817_785216727192436736_n_zpstgfaqzg5.jpg

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you sun tan your penis, you have a Sunny D.