Puns

[done_got_old]

Little Johnny was just sitting and toying with his soup and his mom asked why he wasn’t eating.

He looked up at her and said that he was afraid that his alphabet soup would make him sick if he ate it.

She asked why he thought that and he replied that he “didn’t want to catch de’ zees.”

 

[done_got_old]

https://www.coolpun.com/images/coolpun/s_dc/dcd57bba1c74eb15a49a22d3bed58564.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

We all just want to belong. But some of us are short.

 

[done_got_old]

http://stantgsm.com/image.php?image=/frontend/web/uploads/2018/75140.jpeg&width=300

 

[done_got_old]

On the I-95 I nearly collided with a Gillette truck...Man, was that a close shave!

 

[cyberking001]

On the I-95 I nearly collided with a Gillette truck...Man, was that a close shave!

I did collide with a truck that was delivering hair pieces.
It took hours for the police to comb through the wreckage.

 

[done_got_old]

https://i.pinimg.com/236x/5d/c8/4c/5dc84c3dd4c51b50736c806a44d7be51.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-3WzXOJPLO38/XEKGP7FNIdI/AAAAAAABIqA/16hBYUWM4pUk51XTyCNuptF0tCo6-8WzQCJoC/w530-h377-n/gplus1314969610.jpg

 

[MrDevereaux]

Our local nudist camp has been targeted by vandals, they’ve cut holes in the fences. Police are looking into it.

 

[cyberking001]

Someone broke into the recreation centre and stole all of the toilets.
Police say they have nothing to go on.

Someone has killed Captain Crunch, Sugar Crisp Bear, and Tony the Tiger.
Police say that they are looking for a cereal killer.

I was in the candy store and saw a lollipop shaped like a rooster.
I bought it. It has always been my fantasy to be a cock sucker.

I ran over three rabbits on my drive home yesterday.
Talk about having a bad hare day!

I was driving along yesterday when I saw a fallen tree lying in the road.
Of course, I picked it up. Nice to know that at my age, I can still get wood.

I visited the sofa factory and fell into the upholstering machine.
But don't worry about me. I am fully recovered.

People tell me that I am ignorant and apathetic.
I don't know what that means, but I really don't give a fuck.

If they arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?

 

[mnbreastluver]

People who abstain from sex literally give zero fucks

 

[done_got_old]

People who abstain from sex literally give zero fucks

 

[done_got_old]

Did you hear about the surgeon who loved nut-flavored frozen rum drinks? His bartender would serve him, saying “ Here’s your hickory daiquiri, doc”

 

[done_got_old]

My wife accidentally handed me a glue stick instead of the chapstick. I haven't spoken to her since then.

 

[mnbreastluver]

A hurricane has an eye in the center, both literally and in the spelling.

 

[done_got_old]

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/e0/2b/28/e02b28d250a2ecbc1906f9f43716bcd8--king-arthur-frying-pans.jpg

 

[Threadbare42]

I'm okay with three-dimensional or two-dimensional shapes, but one dimension is where I draw a line.

 

[dashie33]

People who annoy themselves are self-taut.

 

[done_got_old]

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar….but they didn’t planet that way.

 

[done_got_old]

After he retired, why did the pro golfer buy a doughnut shop? He enjoyed making holes in one.

 

[HBergeron]

When the customer sued the tailor over producing a polyester suit when wool had been requested, the defendant argued that the suit should not be allowed into evidence as it was immaterial.

 

[done_got_old]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSvdubL-8FQOegktXCdgvX7Hlhxzby1is-koOaJ0QZCHRBnOVGA

 

[kurrginatorX]

If an aviary houses birds, shouldn't an apiary house primates?

 

[done_got_old]

It's OK to borrow a book from the public library once in a while, but try not to overdue it.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

what do you call an elephant that doesn't matter.
Irrelephant