Puns

[Polranny]

I went to a wildlife park today
The only animal I saw was a very small dog
It was a shit zoo

 

[done_got_old]

I went to a wildlife park today
The only animal I saw was a very small dog
It was a shit zoo

My pet feline fell into a bowl of seltzer water yesterday. She's been cat-a-tonic ever since.

 

[Eisranac]

I went to a wildlife park today
The only animal I saw was a very small dog
It was a shit zoo

Well, I suppose that is better than going to a wild death park — but oh canine more chances to come up with even better puns.

At least we know that the animals in that particular type of zoo are not constipated.

My pet feline fell into a bowl of seltzer water yesterday. She's been cat-a-tonic ever since.

Good thing your pet feline did not fall into a bowl containing an alcoholic beverage.

She could become Cat-holic.

 

[done_got_old]

The cashiers around here are always checking me out!

 

[Eisranac]

When will Tulane University ever expand to four lanes?

And speaking of lanes...

The cashiers around here are always checking me out!

...exactly how does that register with you?

 

[AllIsGood]

It's not that the guy didn't know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

 

[AllIsGood]

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next poop could spell disaster

 

[Eisranac]

It's not that the guy didn't know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

That is nuts.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next poop could spell disaster

Do not be surprised if the next thing you do after that is send a letter to a plumber to unclog that toilet.

 

[cyberking001]

furniture

A guy goes into a furniture store and says to the clerk, "I want to buy a sexual couch."

The clerk says, "You mean a sectional couch?"

The man replies, "All I know is, my wife said she wants an occasional piece in the living room."

 

[Eisranac]

A guy goes into a furniture store and says to the clerk, "I want to buy a sexual couch."

The clerk says, "You mean a sectional couch?"

The man replies, "All I know is, my wife said she wants an occasional piece in the living room."

Perhaps it is a place where she can experience some sectional healing for that sexual feeling.

 

[cyberking001]

age

When you are young: Every night in Niagara.
When you are old: Once a month with Viagra.

When you are young: You go out to party for the night at 9:00 p.m.
When you are old: You got to bed for the night at 9:00 p.m.

When you are young: You go out to a new hip joint.
When you are old: You go out to get a new hip joint.

 

[cyberking001]

Last night I took a Viagra, but I didn't have a glass of water.
The pill got stuck in my throat.
All night long, I had a stiff neck.

 

[Eisranac]

Last night I took a Viagra, but I didn't have a glass of water.
The pill got stuck in my throat.
All night long, I had a stiff neck.

Does that mean that you will choke your stiff neck?

What a pain in the neck that would be.

When you are young: Every night in Niagara.
When you are old: Once a month with Viagra.

When you are young: You go out to party for the night at 9:00 p.m.
When you are old: You got to bed for the night at 9:00 p.m.

When you are young: You go out to a new hip joint.
When you are old: You go out to get a new hip joint.

When you are young: You enjoy wine in a glass.
When you are old: You whine like a pain in the...

...well...you know...

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I came from a family of Loafers. I'm a Loafer. My Dad was a Loafer. He had a government job. You might know my sister, Penny? Penny Loafer? She's a real heel."

 

[mnbreastluver]

If polar bears were in Antarctica too, they’d be bipolar bears.

 

[Ask For More]

I started reading a horror book in braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.

 

[Eisranac]

I came from a family of Loafers. I'm a Loafer. My Dad was a Loafer. He had a government job. You might know my sister, Penny? Penny Loafer? She's a real heel.

No, I don't mean to be callous, I'm just saying she has quite a few arch enemies. She went to school at Oxford, but she got booted out. It was because she had a dog in her dorm room. All night long that dog would bark and you would hear my sister Penny yelling, "Hush puppy! Hush puppy!"

It was sad. Right after she was booted out of Oxford, Hush puppy was hit by a tow truck. A big tow truck. The doctor said he would never heal. You know him, Dr. Shoals?

The police invested the accident since they were pretty sure something was afoot. That's how we met my cousin. He's not a loafer, he a gumshoe. You know, a flat foot, but let me tell you, he still has a lot of soul.

Meanwhile, we had to bury Hush puppy. We buried him in a shoebox about six feet deep. Or was it four feet? Or, perhaps I should pause?

Anyway, I told this story at the 1988 Joke Telling Olympics. I thought I was a shoe-in to win since they were held in Seoul, Korea. Meanwhile, the Russians walked all over me. The Italians gave me the boot. I guess you could say, "I learned the agony of defeat."

This story is not really instep with the rest of this thread. I decided to shoe away from it, as it is laced with a number of inaccurate details and knot the facts.

If you want to get a leg up on what everyone else is posting, I suggest that you approach it from a different ankle. A po’ diet really can be detrimental.

If polar bears were in Antarctica too, they’d be bipolar bears.

It snow use, as I could not bear to read this.

Please put this back on the ice shelf.

I started reading a horror book in braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.

That story blindsided me.

Dot is all I know.

 

[done_got_old]

The barista earned latte good tips.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

This story is not really instep with the rest of this thread. I decided to shoe away from it, as it is laced with a number of inaccurate details and knot the facts.

If you want to get a leg up on what everyone else is posting, I suggest that you approach it from a different ankle. A po’ diet really can be detrimental.It snow use, as I could not bear to read this.

I can't help it if that story was beneath you.

Just ask and I'll put a sock in it.

 

[Jenaus]

Meanwhile, we had to bury Hush puppy. We buried him in a shoebox about six feet deep. Or was it four feet? Or, perhaps I should pause?

Must have pretty long legs to wear those boots.

 

[done_got_old]

Lifelong counterfeiters never make any real money.

 

[ashik09]

Lifelong counterfeiters never make any real money.

Not a pun, just reminded me of this joke: "Crime doesn't pay. Directly. It goes through escrow."

*

I took my pineapple upside-down cake to Australia and it became a cake.

 

[done_got_old]

Not a pun, just reminded me of this joke: "Crime doesn't pay. Directly. It goes through escrow."

*

I took my pineapple upside-down cake to Australia and it became a cake.

..........

 

[ashik09]

pun

1.
a joke exploiting the different possible meanings of a word or the fact that there are words that sound alike but have different meanings.
"the pigs were a squeal (if you'll forgive the pun)"
synonyms: play on words, wordplay, double entendre, innuendo, witticism, quip, bon mot
""you can make your own antifreeze by stealing her blanket" is a pun guaranteed to get some groans"
verb
1.
make a joke exploiting the different possible meanings of a word.
"his first puzzle punned on composers, with answers like “Handel with care” and “Haydn go seek”

I meant, what you said reminded of the joke I quoted.

 

[done_got_old]

I meant, what you said reminded of the joke I quoted.

Okay....some days I'm too literal.