Puns

[done_got_old]

The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.

 

[Eisranac]

Sign at the swamp:

Frog parking only. All others will be toad.

I have to admit that that one was a huge leap.

Did you hear the Energizer Bunny was arrested? He was charged with battery.

While I admire that powerful statement, I have always wondered why spraying someone with mustard gas or pepper spray is consider a salt.

After winter, the trees are relieved.

That is true, as the trees kept barking that it snow use to keep leaving all year long.

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An investigator

...and what do you call an impatient alligator?

An instigator.

For Star Wars fans...

What's for dinner?
Wookie steak

How is it?
A little Chewy!

I was spaced out when I read that one.

The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.

I think we need to put this one to bed, as that statement was full of sheet.

 

[whistler1]

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder...

 

[Eisranac]

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder...

Dairy funny.

Did the foot on that udder leg lactose?

 

[done_got_old]

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-vDsOJ6cTrHs/W696Z1w_ZWI/AAAAAAAAYTc/68P3FmpqbywtqQ6kX9G_ggdNRSKCBq0cgCJoC/w473-h506/42611231_10214751380650022_4404665579693146112_n.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

I listen to the radio with such frequency that my ear Hertz.

 

[AllIsGood]

Q: What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?
A: Where on Earth have you been??

 

[done_got_old]

I got arrested at the Farmers Market for disturbing the peas.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you bust a nut in a Walmart then it's a walnut.

 

[AllIsGood]

Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless.

 

[done_got_old]

Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.

 

[AllIsGood]

Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.

Many muggings at the office!!

For Halloween, we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.

 

[done_got_old]

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

 

[ashik09]

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

When my favourite musician died, he started decomposing.

 

[done_got_old]

When my favourite musician died, he started decomposing.

My friend said that if Watergate had happened in Scotland they would've had Scotch tape.

 

[AllIsGood]

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention, and everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.

 

[Tenderkiss]

Decaffeinated - what you call a pregnant cow after giving birth.

 

[ashik09]

I was talking to this girl and she broke a bone during the conversation. It was a Snapchat.

 

[done_got_old]

Dieting fraud is high weigh robbery.

 

[AllIsGood]

If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

 

[AllIsGood]

I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seat belt. Then it clicked.

 

[done_got_old]

Old English teachers never die - they just parse away.

 

[Jenaus]

If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

If Microsoft had an orchard, would androids pick the harvest?

 

[done_got_old]

When an escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods it was a clear case of criminal in tent.

 

[Eisranac]

Having runs in panty hose is simply tearable.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-vDsOJ6cTrHs/W696Z1w_ZWI/AAAAAAAAYTc/68P3FmpqbywtqQ6kX9G_ggdNRSKCBq0cgCJoC/w473-h506/42611231_10214751380650022_4404665579693146112_n.jpg

I have a bone to pick with you on that one.

I listen to the radio with such frequency that my ear Hertz.

You mean to tell me that your ear does not Avis or Enterprise?

Q: What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?
A: Where on Earth have you been??

You spaced me out with that one.

Did you planet that way?

I got arrested at the Farmers Market for disturbing the peas.

I carrot respond to that because I am currently vegging out, which is the root cause of my response.

Pardon me while I go to the produce section of the farmer's market to take a leek in front of everyone.

If you bust a nut in a Walmart then it's a walnut.

...and what happens when you are in Floormart or Ceilingmart?

Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless.

That was sharp, but what lead you to post that?

Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.

...and can result in a flying saucer.

Nevertheless, what you wrote was not my cup of tea.

For Halloween, we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.

I will cashew on the flip side.

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

I did not realize you were into such dark humor.

I feel enlightened.

When my favourite musician died, he started decomposing.

I will make a note of that, as that comment was instrumental in striking a chord with me.

My friend said that if Watergate had happened in Scotland they would've had Scotch tape.

Would that have been Scotch and Watergate?

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention, and everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.

I can dig that — and I will leave it at that.

Decaffeinated - what you call a pregnant cow after giving birth.

...and how that cow became pregnant in the first place is a lot of bull.

I have a beef with that.

I was talking to this girl and she broke a bone during the conversation. It was a Snapchat.

Were you having a joint conversation?

Dieting fraud is high weigh robbery.

That is especially true in England, where betting at a race track is the best way to lose pounds.

If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

I will defer to one of the late Ronnies to respond, as you must watch this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seat belt. Then it clicked.

I am glad that you feel secure enough to impart your experience with us.

You auto not feel strapped with needing something to say here.

Old English teachers never die - they just parse away.

I only parse-ially understood what you wrote.

If Microsoft had an orchard, would androids pick the harvest?

Would the orchard have Apples in it?

If so, I already addressed this above with:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

When an escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods it was a clear case of criminal in tent.

That was intense, but way too campy.