Puns

[AllIsGood]

I went to a budget restaurant to dine and when I returned there was a parking ticket stuck on the windshield. Well, that was fine dining!

2 groans!!

 

[AllIsGood]

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: Gummybear

 

[AllIsGood]

How do you define a will?
It's a dead giveaway.

 

[Eisranac]

How do you define a will?
It's a dead giveaway.

I must admit that that was pretty heavy...

...but when there is a will, there is a weigh.

I do not mean to pound on this issue incessantly.

 

[done_got_old]

I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

 

[ashik09]

Before he died, my dad said to me, "You selfish boy."

So. Now I'm a fishmonger ...

 

[Eisranac]

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

Burglars who do not like smoked fish usually pick loxs off of their bagels.

Big shout out to my fingers! I can always count on them.

You nailed it!

..............

Well, dots the way it goes — period.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands

I do not get this pun.

Why is Peter Pan from the Netherlands? Is it because his mouth has tulips?

https://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/2b_9bd86a_1250431.jpg

That is the question.

For some reason, I am now in the mood for a spearmint shake.

The electrician switched careers to become a tailor because he knew how to fix shorts.

I am shocked to have read that, but at least he is currently on his way to at least being a light success.

Puns about communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

...via socialist media?

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A. A nervous wreck.

I sea what you did there, but I will wave my right to respond at this time.

I was given a car for my birthday. I didn't like it, but there was nothing I could do about it.

It was a Fiat Accompli.

Can you break that down some more?

A usurer takes lots of interest in his work.

You can bank on that one.

His former job was a perfume sampler in a department store because he made his money per scent.

Currently looking for some pictures of golf courses by the sea. Anyone got any links?

Don't be a pain in the grass.

First, you will have to join the club to have a ball and get photograph privileges.

Then, you will have to putter around to find the hole database for those pics.

Finally, you need to have the drive to endure such strenuous activity and get into the swing of things.

If a bearded man makes vases is he a hairy potter?

Face it — it was a close shave when he escaped the danger of his former profession by a whisker.

The neurologist wanted to propose to his girl friend, but he just didn't have the nerve.

That is because the spineless idiot did not have the impulse to do so.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte.

That bytes.

Eve succumbed to the seduction of Adam, and he RAMmed into her so hard that she suffered from a slipped disc.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I knew something was afoot when that happened, so I would take it step by step.

Did you hear about the poor Woman that backed into an airplane propeller?
Disassedher.

I would say that she fell behind, but then I would be guilty of spinning this pun into propelling towards something else.

If a short psychic broke out of jail, there'd be a small medium at large.

I predict that if the psychic were worth his or her salt, he or she would not have been in jail in the first place.

I would bar the psychic from the prediction business as a result.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?

A tire.

When I spoke to the bicycle about that, it was two tired to respond.

Weight loss pills stolen this morning - police say suspects are still at large.

If this happened in Germany, it might advance all the way up to the Diet.

If it happened in England, I would suggest that an easier weigh to lose pounds is to bet at a British race track.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

That is one of the phoniest puns I have ever read.

Why did the lumberjack lose his job? He axed too many questions.

I do not know the root cause of why that was knot funny, but I would still cut down on puns similar to that.

You saw what I did there, right?

I wood have branched out with a different way of telling that pun so that more people would stay in this thread instead of leave.

After the severe storm last night people were shocked to hear from electrician that he was ready provide current events on power restoration.

I am sure that was followed by thunderous applause.

Did anyone flash anyone else in the crowd?

I apologize. That crack was uncalled for.

What do you get if you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.

You would have to be out of your gourd to impart that seedy comment, as it just slices into the very core of this thread.

In the deli, I learnt the finer aspics of making jello salad.

I prefer rye humor when it comes to delis, because that is what usually cuts the mustard.

Farmers engaged in paddy cultivation for generations are genetically ingrained!

They should rice to the occasion and celebrate that.

Constipated mathematicians work it out with a pencil

That just does not add up for me.

Was that a calculated way of multiplying the laughs in this thread?

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

I would chalk that up to experience.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

On the face of it, I would initially agree and second that thought, but on the other hand, such a minute detail really ticks me off.

I went to a budget restaurant to dine and when I returned there was a parking ticket stuck on the windshield. Well, that was fine dining!

Did your citation of the experience you had teach you a lesson?

Perhaps you need to take a brake from fine dining.

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: Gummybear

I will have to chew on that one for a while.

I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

You should have known that that usually precipitates injuries, and it is snow use when things get completely flaky.

Before he died, my dad said to me, "You selfish boy."

So. Now I'm a fishmonger ...

Did that get you off the hook on a grand scale with your dad, or did you remain gill-ty in his eyes?

 

[done_got_old]

The person who invented the door knocker won the No-bell prize.

 

[done_got_old]

The father was really bugged because his son did not want to take over the family exterminator business.

 

[Eisranac]

I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

I am at a loss.

Seems like they did not have a prayer after all.

On a visit to a poultry farm, I was given a chicken to hold.

I felt a right cock.

That was fowl.

No matter how hard you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

Does that apply to paper view television, such as cable?

The person who invented the door knocker won the No-bell prize.

That was a-door-able.

The father was really bugged because his son did not want to take over the family exterminator business.

...bee-cause...?!?

 

[done_got_old]

Asked what time we could bring our cat, the vet said fur thirty!

 

[Eisranac]

There's probably a stripper dressed like a cop who gives LAPDances.

Po-lice — that is probably not as bad as the bacon who was caught stripping.

My sister didn't believe that I could build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

What else was she sup-pasta do?

Ban pre-shredded cheese.
Make America grate again.

(sign at a Seattle gas station)

There is a dairy good reason why some farmers would block that sign.

Paratroopers pull strings to stay on the job.

I will float this question to you: is this one way they air out their differences as they get down to the nitty gritty of an issue?

i was going to start a collection of pretty soap, but i clean forgot

That is why you are barred from having any type of cake.

Asked what time we could bring our cat, the vet said fur thirty!

Is that the fee line your veterinarian gave you?

 

[done_got_old]

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.

 

[Eisranac]

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.

I usually do not lie either when I eat ice cream. I am usually sitting.

Thank you for imparting such a sweet message — cold as it may be. I may rechurn the favor sooner or later.

 

[done_got_old]

A couch is a remote location.

 

[AllIsGood]

Why did the balloon go near the needle?
He wanted to be a pop star.

 

[Eisranac]

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

Water you talking about?

I wonder, what if there were no hypothetical questions?

Simple.

We would be left with hyperthetical questions.

I have a friend who owns a delivery service, is business picking up or dropping off?

Both, as it is a package deal.

Some say I eat so much fruit that I must be going bananas, while others think I'm already plum crazy. I respond to those people by giving them the raspberry.

Orange you glad you responded in such a sub-lime way?

A couch is a remote location.

That is usually the result of a control issue through which one must channel.

Why did the balloon go near the needle?
He wanted to be a pop star.

The balloon a rising star — until it had airs about itself.

Of course, once pop star status was achieved, the balloon felt deflated. That blows.

 

[AllIsGood]

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, and says"Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room. I'll be dealing with you later."

 

[Eisranac]

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, and says"Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room. I'll be dealing with you later."

When he met the patient in the waiting room, did he poker with a needle — or did he hand her some medication?

 

[done_got_old]

I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

 

[Eisranac]

I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

That depends on what precipitated the pain you feel.

Sometimes the weather can be rather flaky. Other times, it can be all wet.

It really burns some people up when the sun is out, though.

 

[done_got_old]

Charged with lack of quality assurance, the polenta manufacturer pleaded no corntest.

 

[Eisranac]

Charged with lack of quality assurance, the polenta manufacturer pleaded no corntest.

Is there really a kernel of truth to that?

How husky is the person who manages the polenta plant?

 

[done_got_old]

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

 

[Eisranac]

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Did you have a date on that day?