Puns

[Eisranac]

I planned to find my watch today, but I didn't have the time.

On the face of it all, does that really matter? Does anyone really know what time it is? Does anyone really care?

I am parsley fond of sage advice for women named Rosemary who shop for more thyme.

Do you know when you can clock out of work?

I have to hand it to you: I second that comment.

With all the recent bans on plastic straws, it's only a matter of time before someone will be able to truthfully exclaim: "This is the last straw!"

That sucked.

Now to find the back of a camel which has been broken.

 

[done_got_old]

Due to the cabbage crop failure it was really hard to get ahead!

 

[Ask For More]

I have to hand it to you: I second that comment.

It's time for you to move on.

 

[Eisranac]

It's time for you to move on.

I am sorry that you feel that way, as you struck me as a person who would Ask For More.

Perhaps the pendulum will swing the other way and you will change your mind?

Due to the cabbage crop failure it was really hard to get ahead!

Lettuce assume that you are also trying to tell me to...leave. Do you also want to toss me out of here?

 

[mnbreastluver]

3D printing limbs greatly reduces the value of many things that cost an arm and a leg.

 

[ExiledWelshman]

I had a dream last night that I ate a ten pound marshmallow.

When I woke up my pillow was gone.

 

[done_got_old]

I tried to finish the leftovers, but ... foiled again.

 

[Eisranac]

3D printing limbs greatly reduces the value of many things that cost an arm and a leg.

...and requires less elbow grease as well.

You also get to foot less expenses, too.

I have to hand it to you, as you have the finger right on the button with this one. More and more people will kneed this technology.

I had a dream last night that I ate a ten pound marshmallow.

When I woke up my pillow was gone.

Wait — your pillow weighs ten pounds; or is that how much you paid for it?

Regardless, a feather in your cap for sharing your soft side.

I tried to finish the leftovers, but ... foiled again.

Well, then — it’s a wrap, isn’t it?

Now I feel like waxing poetic.

 

[mnbreastluver]

In the not-too-distant future, when they're finally outlawed, someone at a factory somewhere will say, "that's it! That's the last straw!"

 

[blulilacgrl]

https://pics.me.me/we-believe-you-can-do-it-in-you-morel-support-14848603.png

 

[Ask For More]

https://pics.me.me/we-believe-you-can-do-it-in-you-morel-support-14848603.png

I bet they'd be great to party with, they look like fungi....

 

[mnbreastluver]

One clown held the door open for another clown. What a nice jester.

 

[cyberking001]

my job

I used to work at a gun factory, but I got fired ... (#1)
They told me that I just wasn't the right caliber for the job .... (#2)

I was out walking last night when a guy threw sodium chloride
in my face then hit me over the head with a box of AAA's.
The police charged him with assault and battery .....

I had a job at a light bulb factory.
They fired me. I was delighted.

Why do feet smell and noses run?

If they arrest a mime, does he have the right to remain silent?

I had to dig through all the lettuce at the store to find a good one.
I finally turned over a new leaf.

Why do teenage boys masturbate so much?
Beats me

I was having sex with my girl friend when I had a heart attack.
For a while there I didn't know whether I was cumming or going...

The doctor told me if I didn't want to have babies that I should cover my organ.
I don't have an organ, so I put a tarp over my piano. She still got pregnant.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean ground beef.

Not really a pun, but ... rearrange the following letters to spell out a male
body part that works best when it is hard, erect, and straight: P I N S E
>
>
>
Wait for it ...
>
>
>
SPINE, of course. What did you think it was???

 

[ExiledWelshman]

I said to my mate yesterday "what's the name of that movie studio, the one with the mountain on their logo?"

He said "is it Paramount?"

I replied "no, I was just trying to remember."

 

[Ask For More]

https://78.media.tumblr.com/81d7ad8b3d3fb7df3867ad18a583996a/tumblr_pdh4b2UXps1snucy8o1_500.jpg

 

[mnbreastluver]

You can't get high by smoking hemp, but if you use it to make rope, you can still get high.

 

[Ask For More]

The exorcist started going to boxing classes so that he could beat the hell out of people.

 

[Ask For More]

https://78.media.tumblr.com/81c10dcdc6e9d51bc8820b49ccbb852e/tumblr_pd2n2by1r71th31boo1_r4_1280.png

 

[Ask For More]

https://78.media.tumblr.com/46827e2a51d94ff76e96f078264b0bec/tumblr_pdj2h2UJ9Z1sm2zm6o1_1280.jpg

 

[Cymru6969]

When visiting a gay bar, take care who’s stool you push in.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Not calling a corn maze a maize maze seems like a missed opportunity.

 

[Eisranac]

I can be a dictator in my home.

Dictator (ˈdikˌtātər) — the genitalia of a starchy plant tuber used widely for food.

In the not-too-distant future, when they're finally outlawed, someone at a factory somewhere will say, "that's it! That's the last straw!"

That sucks.

https://pics.me.me/we-believe-you-can-do-it-in-you-morel-support-14848603.png

I bet they'd be great to party with, they look like fungi....

I am surprised that this image did not mushroom into many more puns here.

One clown held the door open for another clown. What a nice jester.

The clowns were to the left, but were the jokers to the right?

I used to work at a gun factory, but I got fired ... (#1)
They told me that I just wasn't the right caliber for the job .... (#2)

Well shoot.

That could be a trigger to reactions in the future. You had better bite the bullet on this one and move on.

I was out walking last night when a guy threw sodium chloride
in my face then hit me over the head with a box of AAA's.
The police charged him with assault and battery .....

I always wondered if attacking someone with pepper spray would be considered assault.

What about using mustard gas?

I had a job at a light bulb factory.
They fired me. I was delighted.

That one left me in the dark.

Unfortunately, I am not a switch — otherwise, that would have turned me on.

Why do feet smell and noses run?

Toe be honest with you, nobody nose.

If they arrest a mime, does he have the right to remain silent?

He did not say, so he left.

I had to dig through all the lettuce at the store to find a good one.
I finally turned over a new leaf.

That is definitely one way to get a head in life.

Why do teenage boys masturbate so much?
Beats me

Because they really know how to fish?

Because they are considered to be jerk-offs?

I was having sex with my girl friend when I had a heart attack.
For a while there I didn't know whether I was cumming or going...

The doctors will need to pump more information out of you, but at least the sex was not in vein.

The doctor told me if I didn't want to have babies that I should cover my organ.
I don't have an organ, so I put a tarp over my piano. She still got pregnant.

The key to that pun is that the pianist is not too inadequate to perform.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean ground beef.

First, why would someone call a cow?

Second, those two puns were full of bull.

Finally - for giving such wonderful service - I would tip the cow with two legs.[/QUOTE]

Not really a pun, but ... rearrange the following letters to spell out a male
body part that works best when it is hard, erect, and straight: P I N S E
>
>
>
Wait for it ...
>
>
>
SPINE, of course. What did you think it was???

The iPens from Apple, of course — to be used with iPhones and iPads, it is hard to get; must be erect to use, and is not gay or Lesbian.

I said to my mate yesterday "what's the name of that movie studio, the one with the mountain on their logo?"

He said "is it Paramount?"

I replied "no, I was just trying to remember."

Paramount is what happens when two people simultaneously partially mount someone or something.

https://78.media.tumblr.com/81d7ad8b3d3fb7df3867ad18a583996a/tumblr_pdh4b2UXps1snucy8o1_500.jpg

One has to be stoned to appreciate that pun.

You can't get high by smoking hemp, but if you use it to make rope, you can still get high.

Are you stringing us along?

The exorcist started going to boxing classes so that he could beat the hell out of people.

Why would an exorcist learn how to box items? To prepare for Boxing Day on the day after Christmas?

https://78.media.tumblr.com/81c10dcdc6e9d51bc8820b49ccbb852e/tumblr_pd2n2by1r71th31boo1_r4_1280.png

Truth be told, that is not exactly the most lit erotica I have seen here.

Although it does make for light reading, I think I have had my filament of bulb puns.

https://78.media.tumblr.com/46827e2a51d94ff76e96f078264b0bec/tumblr_pdj2h2UJ9Z1sm2zm6o1_1280.jpg

1. I heard when the bike spoke.
2. I am not married to the bride pun but grooming myself to do so.
3. Whoever created that time pun should be clocked.
4. What about shopping left or shopping right instead of shopping center?
5. Someone could not help hims elf or hers elf with that Santa pun.
6. The point was already made about acupuncture.
7. I thought that the bridge pun made me cross, quite Franc-ly.
8. I felt something rise with that baker pun. Doughn’t you feel the same way?
9. I found that I have a date on every calendar day.
10. An entire staff is needed to tune up that pun about breaking into song, although that could be considered burglary.
11. I believe the dyslexic poet pun is mixed up and backwards — not to mention, without a Lexus.

When visiting a gay bar, take care who’s stool you push in.

I fell behind on that one.

Not calling a corn maze a maize maze seems like a missed opportunity.

Amazing.

I will contact the Army and inform the Colonel, if he will lend to me his ear.

 

[Redanja]

During a random search, I discover this punny place.
Now I understand many. It means a lot.

 

[AllIsGood]

Another one to go with the 'shrooms...

 

[Redanja]

That was inspirational and I meme it.