Puddle

[MamaSarah]

Puddle (Working Title) (WIP)

*******There is another, edited, version of this below**********

I will fuck you when you fear Me
Cut you while you cum
Borough your hard cock deep inside, while you suffocate beneath My grip
I want to beat while you cry, “No More!”
Bite your flesh from your bone
With your swollen cock aching deep within, filing Me with your cum
My nectar will flood the rivulets of your pelvis
Every inch of you in My oil
My mark on you will be permanent
Your puddle forever more
We will bathe in each other
We will keep each other warm
Walk this road of the sublime
United We are One
__________________________

I feel like the rhythm is off in the beginning.
Any advice on that or otherwise?

 

[WickedEve]

I will fuck you when you fear Me
Cut you while you cum
Borough your hard cock deep inside, while you suffocate beneath My grip
I want to beat while you cry, “No More!”
Bite your flesh from your bone
With your swollen cock aching deep within, filing Me with your cum
My nectar will flood the rivulets of your pelvis
Every inch of you in My oil
My mark on you will be permanent
Your puddle forever more
We will bathe in each other
We will keep each other warm
Walk this road of the sublime
United We are One
__________________________

I feel like the rhythm is off in the beginning.
Any advice on that or otherwise?

You may want to correct some typos before submitting this anywhere. For example: Borough should be burrow. Filing should be filling.
Some of your phrases are a little cliché.
You may want to rethink "Your puddle forever more." Puddle doesn't seem very erotic. What do you think? Am I wrong on that one? Maybe puddle can be erotic.
All that cutting, beating and biting is a bit scary.
You may want to make the two longest lines into 4 smaller ones. That may help the rhythm some.

 

[MamaSarah]

Thank You

How foolish of Me to submit typo's

Thank you for your advise, Eve.

I actually broke the two double sentences into four already. And have edited it since I posted it here.

As for the question about "puddle's" erotic properties...those I 'play' My sadomasochistic games with always leave puddles of sweat, blood and cum behind. It is this I am speaking to.

As well, the scary bit...I am simply truthfully expressing My SM fantasies through poetry. Yes, they are violent, but it is honest. As of a year ago I promised Myself I would never write for an audience again. I will only write for Myself. Had I chosen to sacrifice that self for the sake and/or emotional safety of others My voice would cease to exist...My unique presence in the world.

The following is the edited version of "Puddle":

________________________________________

I will fuck you when you fear Me
Cut you while We cum

Burrow your hard cock deep inside
suffocate you beneath My mask

I want to beat while you cry, No More!
Bite your flesh from your bone

With your swollen cock aching deep within
Filling Me with your love

My nectar will flood in rivers down your pelvis
Every inch of you in My oil

My mark on you will be permanent
Your puddle forever more

We will bathe in each other
We will keep each other warm

Walk this road of the sublime
United We are One
____________________________________________


How do you find this version?
Has the rhythm improved to you?

Thank you again, Eve.