Published my first story, advice and constructive criticism?

[joeyjax]

I’ve published my first story (which was surprisingly scary). My first feedback was from an anonymous troll claiming I had rated my own story (I didn’t) and giving me a 1-star vote as “punishment”. Otherwise, I feel okay with it, but of course, I’d like for a higher feedback score but I suppose that’s on me to write a better story next time. So I’d really appreciate any advice or constructive criticism.
Thanks!
JJ

Jack and Ronnie’s Conference Trip Part 1

 

[KeithD]

Off the top, it's OK to rate your own story if you like.

 

[joeyjax]

Thanks KeithD. I'll have to think about that one a bit. It seems 'unnatural' to rate my own story. Maybe it's just me though. I've written exactly one story, so I don't feel like I have my bearings yet to be able to rate something I wrote myself, if that makes any sense.

 

[AngusStewart]

Congrats on your first story.

Great news. I know you are proud of your achievement. I'll check it out sometime in the next couple of days. Keep on writing.

 

[NotWise]

I read it, but my comments won't go into much detail.

I thought your writing was competent, but there were a few minor editorial issues, particularly omitted words.

I was put off right at the beginning of the story when Joe Jackson became Jack without any explanation I found, but I got over it.

The story itself is pretty short and doesn't go anywhere. There are a couple clues that this is the first part of a longer story, but that isn't spelled out.

My most important comment is that this is not shaping up as a Romance story, and that probably explains the rating. Your characters are married, but not to each other, and cheating spouses aren't usually well-accepted in Romance. I can only guess where you're going with the rest of the story, but from here Erotic Coupling might have been a better choice.

The "stock" Romance story is formulaic. A man and woman meet at the beginning of the story and express a mutual attraction. They struggle through obstacles to build a relationship, and in the end they live happily ever after (or happily for now). Not all successful stories in Romance fit that formula, but your story doesn't seem to be getting very close.

As a last comment, Jack is a mature character, but he seems to have less control on his own erection than a fifteen-year-old boy. That, and the oddly aggressive young woman in the airport and airplane, seem unrealistic.

Keep writing. You have the ability.

 

[joeyjax]

Thanks NotWise! All really good points, and thanks for the feedback! I'll definitely be applying everything you brought up to try to improve the current chapter, and future ones too.

You're exactly right, that the story title should have had Part 1 in the title. I totally flubbed that up.

I'll have to think about how to add the explanation of "Joe" being called "Jack" all the time, mainly where to best insert the text that explains it.

And the rest are all valid points too, that I clearly didn't think through all the way, or just didn't notice due to tunnel vision.

I very much appreciate your feedback.
JJ

 

[ChrisEva]

Just some random comments, don't take very seriously! I think it's great to put your work out for enjoyment and the judgment that comes with that, and don't sweat stupid anon comments.

- It's fine to have a trope around a badly managed department at work but it seems to take the focus of the first page rather than the characters themselves. It almost reads like this is a personal axe of yours to grind. I'm hungry to get to know Ronnie and Jack. Focus on that first, then drop them into the situation with company politics and how they react to it.

- More detail is necessary to make it real, like don't just say, "his new department"--say what it is, and why he transferred, and what his life is like. We want to get to know him.

- Jack's outbursts make him unlikeable to me, I think especially for the Romance category of story where it's "supposed" to be two likeable characters who are separated by fates outside of their control that they overcome to get together.

- I like the focus on his mental state preparing for the plane trip--his dress etc. Flush that out, I would suggest--let us get into his mind, why is he so insecure. And give us some backstory that would make his erection problem more plausible.

 

[joeyjax]

Thanks ChrisEva! I wish I'd asked for (and received) this kind of feedback before I published. Now I find I'm in a quandary.

All the comments and feedback I've received make a lot of sense to me, and I can already think of several specific improvements I could make.

I'll have to read up on the edit process, and see if it makes sense to go that route (which I understand takes a long time, and the editors are already pretty swamped so I hate to do that to them), or perhaps just let it be and chalk it up as a learning experience. Then just concentrate on improving future writing.

I can already see how the feedback is helping me think differently, though, and how I made some pretty significant mistakes and didn't even have a hint that I had.

I very much appreciate you taking the time to read the story and write up your thoughts!

-JJ

 

[MelissaBaby]

Thanks ChrisEva! I wish I'd asked for (and received) this kind of feedback before I published. Now I find I'm in a quandary.

All the comments and feedback I've received make a lot of sense to me, and I can already think of several specific improvements I could make.

I'll have to read up on the edit process, and see if it makes sense to go that route (which I understand takes a long time, and the editors are already pretty swamped so I hate to do that to them), or perhaps just let it be and chalk it up as a learning experience. Then just concentrate on improving future writing.

I can already see how the feedback is helping me think differently, though, and how I made some pretty significant mistakes and didn't even have a hint that I had.

I very much appreciate you taking the time to read the story and write up your thoughts!

-JJ

If it were a stand alone story, I'd say leave it alone and move on. But as you have indicated it's the beginning of a series, you might do well to fix any problems. After all, you are hoping it will be the introduction to further chapters, you want to make a good impression.