Can anyone share reviews for my first story?

[mangapp]

Got my first dystopian erotica story published. Got over 1k views with 3.8 rating. But no reviews. Looking for constructive criticism.
-mangi

 

[AlinaX]

Give us a link...

 

[shelleycat1]

While it was already too much for her to handle, she founded yet another folder

Out of fear, she took no further second to permanently delete both the folders.

And instantly rerun the system check to leave no room for skepticism.

Her hand then brushed against the area of fabric mildly engraved in her crack.

While I liked the setup, and gave a 4 because I liked the story, I was struck by proof-reading errors: examples are copied above. I was going to wait to see where the story goes. Things like the above give the reader a 'shock' since they stop reading and have to try and decode the meaning.

And more, where's the punctuation, why is the capitalization all different?

Ahhhh

ahhhh

uhhhh

I don't know if you asked someone to edit it for you. I've only published one story but an editor helped me a lot with things like that, I just cannot see the mistakes myself.

 

[mangapp]

Give us a link...

https://www.literotica.com/s/project-evelyn-a-dystopian-erotica

 

[mangapp]

While it was already too much for her to handle, she founded yet another folder

Out of fear, she took no further second to permanently delete both the folders.

And instantly rerun the system check to leave no room for skepticism.

Her hand then brushed against the area of fabric mildly engraved in her crack.

While I liked the setup, and gave a 4 because I liked the story, I was struck by proof-reading errors: examples are copied above. I was going to wait to see where the story goes. Things like the above give the reader a 'shock' since they stop reading and have to try and decode the meaning.

And more, where's the punctuation, why is the capitalization all different?

Ahhhh

ahhhh

uhhhh

I don't know if you asked someone to edit it for you. I've only published one story but an editor helped me a lot with things like that, I just cannot see the mistakes myself.

Thanks Shelley for your reviews. I'm learning writing and this is the first time I wrote a story this long.
I'm not good with syntax and grammars. Just wanted to lay out my raw imagination. I've read a lot of erotica in recent weeks. And some of them here. So I thought if I could write a story that was in my mind for so long. I just figured out the editors option on the dashboard. English isn't my first language and I should take time to learn writing first. Thanks

 

[AlinaX]

I think with dystopian futures you need to allow people to understand the normality of the world before you introduce changes. In your case, give us a sense of 11YN's usual daily routine.

Day 0

The siren of Eve Corp wakens her. It's late. She's slept late again. 11YN peers out of the window and sees the usual sunshine, the usual faces, the usual determined and unhurried walk to work that she herself should be part of.

"Everyone is on time at Eve Corp," she mutters, hurrying to the washroom. "Everyone is on time at Eve Corp."

11YN's office is in the middle of Eve Corp, not too far from her residence. She passes the security punch-in just in time. 20YN is waiting by her cubicle, an eyebrow raised with what might be amused tolerance or quiet criticism.

I'm a little amused by certain similarities with my Sex Booth series.

 

[mangapp]

I think with dystopian futures you need to allow people to understand the normality of the world before you introduce changes. In your case, give us a sense of 11YN's usual daily routine.


I'm a little amused by certain similarities with my Sex Booth series.

Woah! This editing is so neat. I'm amused by some similarities too. Like the names. Your protagonist's name is hard to remember though. haha.
In my case, the protagonist's name 11YN is roughly homonymous with Evelyn for plot reasons. That I might continue in the future.
But thanks for your feedback and sharing your series. Bookmarked to read the entire story already.
I even skimmed through your entire stack of stories and poems. You publish consistently.
Just randomly clicking on any of them and reading any line of the story hooks me right into it. Your writing is that good.
I would appreciate if you could share your suggestions on improving the craft. Any style guide books to follow (maybe UK standards), on developing vocabs, or anything that helped you.

 

[AlinaX]

1. I think the best advice is just to read a lot, mainly for enjoyment but also to get a sense as a reader of what styles feel effective and engaging to you. How do writers balance description and action? How do they make some actions race:

He rammed into her, hard, brutal, fucking, hard, hard, hard. "Yes!" she screamed. "Yes! Fuck! Yes!"

and other actions seduce:

Like storm waves against a cliff, he thrust into her, their bodies together a turmoil of crashing passion, her cries an exhilaration of raw, natural pleasure.

2. Do learn the basics of grammar. There are lots of resources for this, both books and webpages. It's something a lot of new authors get wrong, especially around dialogue. There are lots of formal rules around grammar, and in fiction it's often effective to break the rules, but that always works better when you know the rules and break them deliberately.

3. Your biggest issue, I would say, is sentence and paragraph structure. Most of your paragraphs fit on a single line in my browser - that's very short. There are sometimes reasons for short paragraphs, especially in dialogue sections, but generally speaking, and especially on Lit, you want to average maybe four lines. This is a guide, not a rule; if your paragraphs are shorter, ask yourself if maybe you are hurrying to tell the story and forgetting to give it life.

4. It can be fun and helpful to join a writers' group, but also it can be frustrating. One good thing I got out of it was a weekly challenge that was pretty random and forced me to try things I would not normally think to do.

5. Absolutely do write dialogue - it's so important. However, don't write internal thoughts as dialogue. Sometimes you can get away with doing that, but it's not really necessary and generally works better if you don't. Sometimes italics work well, but not always.

Those flashes return to her. Why do they look so familiar? Even their voices are familiar. Course and heavy, not the buttery smooth vocals of Evelians. Swallowing anxiously, she moves closer - they don't react. I should ask something, she thinks as she gathers the courage to talk to a non-Evelian for the first time. "Umm, what's your name?"

6. If your story is based in the world of the familiar, you can get away with minimal description. If you are creating an unknown fantasy world or a hypothetical future, then that world is as important a character in the story as any of your other characters. This does not mean you have to start the story with a complete description of the world, but it does mean that by the end of the story - or earlier, if the intention of the story is to radically alter the nature of the world - the readers should have a clear idea of the important aspects of that world. Just think about, e.g., The Hunger Games, where we are slowly introduced to District 12, then the Capital, then the other districts, then District 13, then finally the Capital again in greater detail.

 

[mangapp]

That's so thoughtful of you Alina. I think I know a writer's meet up community near me. It will be awkward to discuss erotica writing there. But I think I'll end up as a better writer.
Thanks for taking your time for this.

 

[AlinaX]

Heh, I wouldn't advertise that you write erotica, although do if you want and feel safe doing so. But erotica is only one part of what you write, and all the non-erotica parts are what makes the difference between erotica and porn. Setting a romance in a dystopian future? Doesn't have to be erotic...

That said, erotica does have certain demands that non-erotica does not. You see it here on Lit all the time. Some stories are full-on sex, almost sacrificing the plot entirely. (Half my stories have a nameless narrator, simply because readers like to imagine themselves in the role of protagonist.) But, also, many stories here have sex almost as an afterthought, with readers commenting, "I love the story!" Especially with sci-fi, where sexiness doesn't hurt but world-building is what often really excites the readers.

Anyway, the most important thing is that you have fun as an author. If you enjoy writing, the readers will enjoy reading.

 

[mangapp]

Absolutely agree. I'll better focus on romance for now which is comfortable to share with anyone.
Thanks again.

 

[cguysea]

I just went through your story, made a lot of spelling and grammar corrections and sent you a PM. Not sure if you can resubmit a new story or just want this as a lessons learned.

 

[mangapp]

Thanks a ton cguy for taking your time for corrections. This seems useful to me as a reference that will help me write better.

 

[FifthEstate]

1. I think the best advice is just to read a lot, mainly for enjoyment but also to get a sense as a reader of what styles feel effective and engaging to you. How do writers balance description and action? How do they make some actions race:

and other actions seduce:


2. Do learn the basics of grammar. There are lots of resources for this, both books and webpages. It's something a lot of new authors get wrong, especially around dialogue. There are lots of formal rules around grammar, and in fiction it's often effective to break the rules, but that always works better when you know the rules and break them deliberately.

3. Your biggest issue, I would say, is sentence and paragraph structure. Most of your paragraphs fit on a single line in my browser - that's very short. There are sometimes reasons for short paragraphs, especially in dialogue sections, but generally speaking, and especially on Lit, you want to average maybe four lines. This is a guide, not a rule; if your paragraphs are shorter, ask yourself if maybe you are hurrying to tell the story and forgetting to give it life.

4. It can be fun and helpful to join a writers' group, but also it can be frustrating. One good thing I got out of it was a weekly challenge that was pretty random and forced me to try things I would not normally think to do.

5. Absolutely do write dialogue - it's so important. However, don't write internal thoughts as dialogue. Sometimes you can get away with doing that, but it's not really necessary and generally works better if you don't. Sometimes italics work well, but not always.


6. If your story is based in the world of the familiar, you can get away with minimal description. If you are creating an unknown fantasy world or a hypothetical future, then that world is as important a character in the story as any of your other characters. This does not mean you have to start the story with a complete description of the world, but it does mean that by the end of the story - or earlier, if the intention of the story is to radically alter the nature of the world - the readers should have a clear idea of the important aspects of that world. Just think about, e.g., The Hunger Games, where we are slowly introduced to District 12, then the Capital, then the other districts, then District 13, then finally the Capital again in greater detail.

Good on you AlinaX for providing so much useful feedback to a new author.