Marxist
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INTRODUCING COCA-COLA XT
ATLANTA, GA--In a bold move, reminiscent of their introduction of New Coke in the mid 80's, The Coca-Cola Company announced on Saturday plans to produce Coca-Cola XT. The XT stands for eXtra Thirsty. It will be the first FDA approved product available over the counter for Extra Thirsty Syndrome.
The new soft drink will be available in Regular, Diet, Caffeine Free, Lemon-twist, Diet Caffeine-Free, Diet Caffeine-Free Lemon Twist, and Zesty Nacho.
http://graphics.theonion.com/pics_3412/productdiversity.gif
"While the variety of carbonated beverages available today are great in number, no one has addressed the extra thirsty," said Coca-Cola Company spokesperson, Kay Muffin. "Have you ever finished a tasty Classic Coke but wished it satisfied your extra thirst? Coca-Cola XT is for that small yet vocal 3% of consumers that need extra thirst quenching. Quite frankly, it's awesome."
When asked what the new Coke XT tasted like, Ms. Muffin could hardly contain her enthusiasm, "It has a crisp cola taste, just like Classic Coca-Cola but there's more of it, so you won't walk away thirsty. It's awesome."
Some market watchers however are dubious. "It's just regular Coke in a 40 ounce can," said Franklin Marx of Consumer Reports. He went on to say, "I don't know what these people were thinking. Maybe they just ran out of ideas. If you'll excuse me I've got to go piss again."
Ms. Muffin refuted this, "Sure the can is much larger, it has to be to contain all the thirst satiating goodness. Just look at our studies, 3 out of 100 consumers felt new Coke XT more than satisfied their need for cola deliciousness. Hey look, Extra Thirst Syndrome is real and debilitating and this is the solution to the problem. XT, it's fucking awesome."
In related news today, The Coca-Cola Company stock reported a marked increase, up 3 points over the prior trading session. This is the third new product introduced since the merger of Coke with failed pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly.
ATLANTA, GA--In a bold move, reminiscent of their introduction of New Coke in the mid 80's, The Coca-Cola Company announced on Saturday plans to produce Coca-Cola XT. The XT stands for eXtra Thirsty. It will be the first FDA approved product available over the counter for Extra Thirsty Syndrome.
The new soft drink will be available in Regular, Diet, Caffeine Free, Lemon-twist, Diet Caffeine-Free, Diet Caffeine-Free Lemon Twist, and Zesty Nacho.
http://graphics.theonion.com/pics_3412/productdiversity.gif
"While the variety of carbonated beverages available today are great in number, no one has addressed the extra thirsty," said Coca-Cola Company spokesperson, Kay Muffin. "Have you ever finished a tasty Classic Coke but wished it satisfied your extra thirst? Coca-Cola XT is for that small yet vocal 3% of consumers that need extra thirst quenching. Quite frankly, it's awesome."
When asked what the new Coke XT tasted like, Ms. Muffin could hardly contain her enthusiasm, "It has a crisp cola taste, just like Classic Coca-Cola but there's more of it, so you won't walk away thirsty. It's awesome."
Some market watchers however are dubious. "It's just regular Coke in a 40 ounce can," said Franklin Marx of Consumer Reports. He went on to say, "I don't know what these people were thinking. Maybe they just ran out of ideas. If you'll excuse me I've got to go piss again."
Ms. Muffin refuted this, "Sure the can is much larger, it has to be to contain all the thirst satiating goodness. Just look at our studies, 3 out of 100 consumers felt new Coke XT more than satisfied their need for cola deliciousness. Hey look, Extra Thirst Syndrome is real and debilitating and this is the solution to the problem. XT, it's fucking awesome."
In related news today, The Coca-Cola Company stock reported a marked increase, up 3 points over the prior trading session. This is the third new product introduced since the merger of Coke with failed pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly.
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