Psychobabble Translated

[Dillinger]

I came across this in the May issue of Stuff magazine. Take a look at these studies that the APA (American Psychological Association) sponsored recently.

"Research shows for the first time that doing mental calculations while driving may make some people... put themselves more at risk for an accident"
Translation: You're more likely to wreck your car if you're not paying attention.

"Opiate and cocaine use... was substantially higher in heavy smokers than in... nonsmokers."
Translation: Junkies smoke.

"Research has shown that impulsivity, learning difficulties, low IQ or fearlessness can make someone prone to violence."
Translation: Stupid people get into fights.

"The University of Illinois... found that happy people report mild-to-moderate pleasant emotions most of the time, rather than intense positive moments some of the time."
Translation: People who are happy most of the time tend to be happier than people who are happy only some of the time.

"Adolescents and their nominated friends shared highly similar levels of illegal drug use. Similarity was greatest among teenagers and their friends who reported lower levels of illegal drug use."
Translation: Kids who do drugs tend to hang out with kids who also do drugs. Kids who don't do drugs tend to hang out with kids who also don't do drugs.

"Research found that people who came upon unclaimed dimes at a copy machine (planted by researchers) reported greater levels of overall satisfaction with their lives than those who did not find coins."
Translation: People who find money are happier than people who don't.

So - if you go to somebody with your problems and he or she has an APA certificate on the wall, for God's sake, run for your life. He's crazier than you will ever be.

 

[Nicole]

LMAO @ Dillinger.

That was so good, I'm sending it to a friend

Thanks

 

[Dillinger]

How about this one...

"Study shows highly aggressive boys can be among the most popular children in elemantary classrooms."


This one requires no translation, but let's linger over it anyway. It is taken from an APA published paper called "Heterogeneity of Popular Boys: Antisocial and Prosocial Configurations." The study was undertaken by three psychologists (from now on known as psychos), one from Duke University, one from the University of Illinois at Chicago and one from the University of North Carolina. They studied 59 classrooms around the country in many kinds of neighborhoods. They interviewed 542 children. They enlisted grad students, fashioned questionnaires and filed for grants - which they got, of course, from the federal government. They wrote a report that rolled out all the big phrases: "peer interpersonal assessment," "reliability coefficients," "nuclear centrality configurations." And they made sure to include big, smoky sentences - "The essential difference between a person- and a variable-oriented approach is whether the analysis focuses on determining relations among variables within a sample of persons or on uncovering groups of similar people across variables" - so that no sane person could figure out what they were talking about.

Here's what they figured out: In grade school, class cutups are popular.

 

[Ask For More]

Make you wonder what kinda crap governments and colleges are financing in the guise of scientific study isn't it?

 

[Dillinger]

There doesn't seem to be much substantial overview to the process of giving out these grants. You'd think someone might apply just a tiny bit of common sense and say "What? Are you FUCKING kidding?"