Proud of a Line? Share it!

[Oblimo]

We've all known the moment: the crackerjack line. Maybe it popped in your head fully formed, or maybe it crystalized on paper or computer screen after a couple of rewrites, but we've all gotten that little heehee! gush of triumph from working out wicked line of prose. (At least, I hope everyone has; it's a little writerly climax and I love it.) Even if a reader never notices, or an editor disagrees and we change it in the end, who cares? We know we nailed it.

Let's try an experiment and share 'em! I have no idea if this is a good idea, sharing crackerjack lines out of context, but whatthehell. Here are three of my recent ones, lines that made me happy to just see them written down, all bits of dialogue for some reason:

"I mean, all my zits are gone, for instance. Even that big one that just seemed to move around on my ass for the past five years."

"I'm a one-woman man-woman, lovey, you know that."

"I don't know how I know the things I know, but I must at least half-remember the things I don't know, because I know enough to know I don't know them, you know?"

"No."

"Oh."

Well, I've shown you mine. If you think it might be fun, let's see yours!

 

[CopyCarver]

We've all known the moment: the crackerjack line. Maybe it popped in your head fully formed, or maybe it crystalized on paper or computer screen after a couple of rewrites, but we've all gotten that little heehee! gush of triumph from working out wicked line of prose. (At least, I hope everyone has; it's a little writerly climax and I love it.) Even if a reader never notices, or an editor disagrees and we change it in the end, who cares? We know we nailed it.

Let's try an experiment and share 'em! I have no idea if this is a good idea, sharing crackerjack lines out of context, but whatthehell. Here are three of my recent ones, lines that made me happy to just see them written down, all bits of dialogue for some reason:





Well, I've shown you mine. If you think it might be fun, let's see yours!

Can't believe you overlooked "Dee's Dee Vee Dee"

 

[Oblimo]

Can't believe you overlooked "Dee's Dee Vee Dee"

Okay, not only is Copy-freakin'-Carver my volunteer editor, he's plugging my stuff on A-H.

I...gotta lie down.

 

[Belegon]

Okay, for fun I pulled up "Wingman", my 2004 Reader's Choice Award Winner, and pulled some of my favs...

~~~​

He thought he knew everything there was to know about women at 21. At best, he knew everything he was ever going to know about women by 21.

~~~​

Jason walked towards the table with a fresh longneck held low in his right hand as if this were Tombstone and someone were about to call “draw”. I swore softly to kill him and followed.

~~~​

‘MGD please,” said Debbie, flashing a perfect smile that spoke of either good genetics or a lot of daddy’s money.

 

[Liar]

“Shut up old man, or there’s no pussy for you tonight.”

“How about ass, is there ass?”

 

[TriggerHippie]

“Shut up old man, or there’s no pussy for you tonight.”

“How about ass, is there ass?”

I am absolutely certain, in context, these were brilliant.

Howevah ....

 

[Liar]

I am absolutely certain, in context, these were brilliant.

Howevah ....

Egg-sachary. Couldn't dig up any good one-liners. All is part of much bigger batches of banter and doesn't really do their thing without them.

 

[TriggerHippie]

Egg-sachary. Couldn't dig up any good one-liners. All is part of much bigger batches of banter and doesn't really do their thing without them.

I wouldn't say it does nothing.

I'm intrigued, if nothing else. <nods>

 

[Boota]

Covered in her blood I knelt in the street screaming daggers at a God I could no longer believe in.
from Angel's Blood (unpublished)

We went together like Kennedys and head wounds.
from Mr. Undesirable

One night at his monthly Klan meeting his robes caught fire when he tried to light the cross. Ironically, Uncle Jimmy ended up dying blacker than the people he'd spent his life hating.
from Picking On Retards (coming soon)

The distant rain finally caught up to them, coming down through the heavy forest canopy, making the woods around them sizzle with every little drop.
from The Man In The Woods (here on Lit)

 

[Recidiva]

Just as one of my little weird moments, I think the words:

"Fuck, who punctuates in blood?"

are typically me.

 

[Guest]

http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b318/sweetsubsarahh/lime_slice.jpg

I keep thinking the title of this thread has something to do with limes.

Couldn't help myself.

 

[rgraham666]

With my skill and power I could seduce a nun if I wanted. I have, twice.

From Abyss.

Boota, I love the line about Uncle Jimmy.

 

[Oblimo]

Egg-sachary. Couldn't dig up any good one-liners. All is part of much bigger batches of banter and doesn't really do their thing without them.

When I read your two-liner, it felt like a great "Take my parents, please!" bit, a great exchange between the protagonist's oddball mom and dad to take place in front of the protagonist and his/her friends (not to mention love-interest).

Is the context anything like that at all? If not, mind if I steal it for one?

 

[CopyCarver]

Just as one of my little weird moments, I think the words:

"Fuck, who punctuates in blood?"

are typically me.

Making exclamation points redundant?


Obligatory homage to Terry Southern: "Good grief, it's Daddy!"

 

[Liar]

When I read your two-liner, it felt like a great "Take my parents, please!" bit, a great exchange between the protagonist's oddball mom and dad to take place in front of the protagonist and his/her friends (not to mention love-interest).

Is the context anything like that at all? If not, mind if I steal it for one?

Not exactly no. So go right ahead.

Here are some more snippets from the same characters. I'm quite fond of the dynamic duo:

................

“Come on,” he said, trying to shake the fog out of his head. “It’s time for this little missy to come with me and meet her maker.”

“Don’t worry,” Nadja said to the puzzled clerk. “He just means my dad.”

................

"You and I could make the meanest con-artist duo ever. I wriggle my butt at men until they think with their wieners, and they’ll believe anything you tell them.”

“A tempting idea. But if you wriggle your butt to much, I’ll start thinking with my wiener too.”

“Nothing that a rubber band and a pair of sharp scissors won't take care of.”

................

"You might want to get back here or turn off the light there though. Do you realize that you are stripping in a big, well lit display window?"

"Uh yeah, as if somebody is gonna come by and take a peek in the middle of..."

"You did."

"...move out of the way, I'm coming back."

 

[Liar]

Oh, and then theres the phrase "A sprite of zeitgeist" which was just a funky little alliteration that popped up in my head, but that I ended writing a whole story around.

 

[cantdog]

Just a few

I don't mind so much the cut off, but Then by damn the Guy He must Haul Ass.

from Driving
​

Her inner lips were thin, like puppy ears.

from Camel Toe Incest
​

About all we did was your ass.

He was poised, he felt, on the rim of a pleasant and living planet on the edge of the endless void of immanence that was space. Renee saw him standing stupidly on the lawn not seven feet from the door, immobile ...

from Jip, chapter one
​

A good cock, an interesting mass of cords and gristle, heavy balls and a hot shaft, designed for cunt.

She decided to show the younger man how cock got sucked when she was young.

from Undiamonded Queen
​

He was agreeing, but in truth his brain had put out a sign, BUSY NOW, TRY AGAIN LATER.

Something of the sort percolated up from the welter of emotion; Glenn was imagining he might be able to remember what she was asking about if he could only think a little better. "Mm." he said.

A soft blow, as if guilt were wearing a boxing glove, struck his belly.

She looked rabbity, hunkered against the door. The body language of victims brings on more victimization.

But then, why do you expect a kindness to always have to cost something?

from 40 Days of the Weasel
​

Forty Days of the Weasel is loaded with 'em. That was the point of the story. These are just a few, and just from the first two pages.

Lovely thread idea.

 

[FallingToFly]

Something said to my editor tonight, after pouncing him so desperately it knocked him offline, and he had signed back on.

I'm banging my head into the wall that I backed myself into the corner of.

 

[NoJo]

'"You're binding me with silence"'.

"His knowledge of the principles of perspective was so bad that he actually increased in size as he walked away from you down a corridor."

 

[CharleyH]

'"You're binding me with silence"'.

"His knowledge of the principles of perspective was so bad that he actually increased in size as he walked away from you down a corridor."

LOL Smarmy! I love it!

 

[Stella_Omega]

Damn, this is fun, reading writer's plums.
And it;'s so interesting to see what each person chooses, too!Most of us are choosing dialogue quotes, and no wonder- everyone loves a wiseass...
This one makes me laugh every time I read it again;

"You attempt to cast off your bondage by ritualizing it, is that right?"

Tracy leaned towards the unseen speaker, against his chains. "You got it brother," he said. "And I get laid in ways you can only imagine, that's a little side affect."
(A Private Party)

"Don't hurt my bed, little girl!" Gloria said, watching her struggle.

"I'll break it down, if I can," she said between her teeth.

"And I'll beat on you," Gloria said, pleasantly, "With every piece, so just stop it...
(Jessamine)
And this paragraph just seems to say so much about Tracy's personality, and his expectations about this relationship;
Tony and me almost came to blows over her. We didn't know it wouldn't matter, she'd already made her choice, but she took us both, just for fun, the first night. We thought it was our idea, to double-fuck this she-wolf we saw backstage. I went after her, cause it's well known that I talk faster than Tone, and I got to have her alone in the Limo. I had to swear on my life's blood, to get first crack. Well that's what it cost me. Going after her was like the movie 'Jaws'. She went after the bait like a shark and took my arm with it. "That was easy" I thought to myself. Until I noticed that I was bleeding and she was towing me into the deep water. "I should have known" my last thought before I went under.
Sarabande ch.7

 

[S-Des]

This thread depresses me. It just reminds me that my best line (by far) is in a story that should have been finished a month ago. I can't share it. I want to so bad! Aargh!

Stella's right, these are great. Makes me want to check out a few of them.

 

[Oblimo]

I can't share it. I want to so bad! Aargh!

Share anyway! We'll laud your errant pen and scold you to get back to business.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

These are probably the finest lines I've ever written... They are so MEEEE

"We were met at the door by the hosts, Joe and Angela Foster. I put on my best “Howdy-Ma’am-Mind-If-I-Suck-Your-Husband’s-Cock” smile and shook hands warmly."

This one from the same story

"Looking around the room I could see at least five “Princesses-Wannabes”, seven “Knights-Of-The-Sock-Stuffed-Cod-Piece”, a couple of “Homo Kings” and David, my husband, the dumb ass “Court Jester”. That asshole looked like something out of a fucking Woody Allen movie for shit sake. And he was worried about me making a scene?"

 

[S-Des]

Share anyway! We'll laud your errant pen and scold you to get back to business.

Well, to be honest, chances are no one here will read a 70,000 word LW story, so here goes. Since the setup is in a different place than the punchline, there are two different quotes. Hope it gives someone a chuckle.

I was walking through the house looking for my friend, which wasn’t easy considering how crowded it was. I turned the corner to head toward the kitchen and there she was. Long brown hair, brown eyes, flawless skin, and the cutest dimples I’ve ever seen on a woman. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention the model’s body? I was lost before I took another step.

It’s funny because normally I’d be so shy that I would have walked right by her and missed any chance of making an impression. This time, I made an impression all right; I was staring so intently at her that I walked right into a wall and knocked myself out.

After he wakes up...

I finally looked up and realized to my utter humiliation that it was the beautiful woman I had been staring at. “Oh shit,” I said out loud.

“What?” came the concerned reply.

“I…uh…nothing,” I stammered, feeling like a complete moron.

When I looked up again, she was smiling at me. “Did you just realize that it was me you were looking at when you did your Wile E. Coyote impression?”