Proofreaders wanted!

[Brains_N_Boobs]

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Continue learning. Learn more about computers, crafts, gardening, or whatever else interests you. Never let your brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is....ah, I can't remember.

4. Enjoy the simple things in life.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. Tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.


AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

Mrs. Parks, a 6th grade science teacher, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,
and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then
sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell
open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big
trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy, that's correct! "

Then she turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have
three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn't read your homework.

And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

DOG DIARY:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


CAT DIARY:

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall over to its right side.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500.00 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium!

All Humans Are 99.9% Genetically Identical and 98.4% of human genes are the same as the genes of a chimpanzee.

In Bahrain, a male gynecologist can only examine a woman's private parts through a mirror.
If the entire population of earth was reduced to exactly 100 people,50% of the world's currency would be held by 6 people.

 

[jomar]

My apologies. I should have said, "You've been a busy girl. Thanks."

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

Look what happens when a President gets elected in a year with a "0" at the end. Also notice it goes in increments of 20 years.

1840: William Henry Harrison (died in office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (died in office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (died in office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (survived assassination attempt)
2000: George W. Bush ????????????

And to think that we had two guys fighting it out in the courts to be the one elected in 2000.

You might also be interested in this.

Have a history teacher explain this -- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker.......

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was (in) with Marilyn Monroe. lol

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

Since it is tax season....It''s good to understand how taxes are paid.

Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with
the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since
you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the
cost of your daily beer by $20."Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so
the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But
what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they
divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted
that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man
would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each
man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work
out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued
to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to
compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He pointed
to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. I
t's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back
when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything
at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down
and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they
discovered something important. They didn't have enough money
between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how
our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the
most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them
for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact,
they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat
friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia

For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who
do not understand, no explanation is possible.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

Pointing to a young woman in the front row he said, "Do you know
what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class!

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

Which ones resemble your life?


Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

_______________________ _______

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

______________________ _______

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't

need.

_____________________ ________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a

husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a

wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his

wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

____________________ _________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot

and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and

not try to understand her at all.

___________________ ___________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but

married men are a lot more willing to die.

__________________ ____________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he

doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,

and she does.

_________________ ____________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a

new argument.

________________ _____________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING

MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me

in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to

them at funerals.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

From: Dr. Nahid Neman
If there is a female you care anything about, share this with her. I did!!!!!
I am also sharing this with the males on my email list, because they need
to tell the females THEY care about as well!
Recently a lipstick brand called "Red Earth" decreased their prices from
$67 to $9.90. It contained lead.
Lead is a chemical which causes cancer.
The lipstick brands that contain lead are:
CHRISTIAN DIOR
LANCOME
CLINIQUE
Y.S.L
ESTEE LAUDER
SHISEIDO
RED EARTH (Lip Gloss)
CHANEL (Lip Conditioner)
MARKET AMERICA-MOTNES LIPSTICK.
The higher the lead content, the greater the chance of causing cancer.
After doing a test on lipsticks, it was found that the Y.S.L. lipstick
contained the most amount of lead.
Watch out for those lipsticks which are supposed to stay longer.
If your lipstick stays longer, it is because of the higher content of lead.
Here is the test you can do yourself:
1. Put some lipstick on your hand.
2. Use a Gold ring to scratch on the lipstick.
3. If the lipstick colour changes to black, then you know the lipstick contains lead.
Please send this information to all your girlfriends, wives and female family members
and boy friends that wear lipstick..Don't kiss anyone wearing lipstick.
This information is being circulated at Walter Reed Army Medical Center
Dioxin Carcinogens cause cancer, especially breast cancer.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm
in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!


6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?! The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes; Whack... Oh Shit!
A Bad Skydiver Goes; Oh Shit!!! .Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

The Paradox of Our Times.....

Today we have bigger houses yet smaller families
More convenience, but less time

We have more degrees, but less common sense
More knowledge, but less judgement

We have more experts, but more problems
More medicine, but less good health

We spend too recklessly
laugh too little
drive too fast
get too angry too quickly
stay up too late
read too little
watch TV too much
& ARE LESS CONSIDERATE

We have multiplied our possessions, but have reduced our values
We talk too much, love too little, and lie too often

We have learned how to make a living, but not a life
We have added years to life, but not life to years

We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers
Wider roads, but narrower viewpoints

We spend more, but have less
We buy more, yet enjoy less

We have been all the way to the moon and back, but we have trouble crossing the road to meet our neighbors

We've conquered our outer space, but not our inner space

We've split the atom, but not our prejudice

We write more, learn less, plan more, but accomplish less
We have learned to rush, but not to wait
We have higher incomes, but lower morals

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies, but have less personal communication

We are long on quantity, but less in quality

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion
tall men and short character

More leisure, but less fun
More kinds of food, but less nutrition
Two incomes, but more divorce
Nicer houses, but broken homes

That is why I propose, that as of today, you do not keep anything for special occassions, because every day you live is a special occassion

Search for knowledge, read more
Sit and admire the view without paying attention to your needs
Spend more time with your family and friends, eat your favorite food and visit the places you love

Life is moments of enjoyments and not just about surviving
Drink from the finest crystal glass. Do not save your best perfume or aftershave, but use it every day.

Remove phrases like "one of these days," "someday," and "not now" from your vocabulary.

Write that letter you thought of writing "one of these days"

Let's tell our families and friends how much we love them. Do not delay anything that adds laughter and joy to your life.

Every day, every hour, and every minute is special. As you do not know if they will be your last.

If you are too busy to take the time to send this message to someone you love or care about and instead tell yourself that you will send it "one of these days"

BELIEVE ME

"One of these days"

YOU WILL NOT BE HERE TO SEND IT.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

Because I AM a Man:


Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
_______________________ ________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
______________________ _________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

_____________________ __________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

____________________ ___________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

___________________ ____________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only)

__________________ _____________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.

_________________ _____________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you are feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

________________ _______________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

_______________ ________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

______________ ________________________________


This has been a public service message to help women to better understand men.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

..A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
..The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
..The kid says
.."Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin ."

..Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
..I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
..His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
..After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
.."How many customers bought something from you today?
..The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
..How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
..The boss says "$101,237.65?
What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishin and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
..Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
..The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

..The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said,

..'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

 

[john-the-author]

..A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
..The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
..The kid says
.."Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin ."

I have always, always, always liked this joke. Even though it never was much an issue for me. Thanks!

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
You of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
Unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
Prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting
In enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
The urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
Duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager
To share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
Irritation level as nagging him.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

To: Management

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

Penis



The Response:

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

Management

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

From the Boston Globe: As of 1:08 PM on August 29, 2007, the United States has spent approximately $456,256,700,000 on the war in Iraq. Four hundred and fifty six billion (with a B) dollars - almost half a trillion. To put this in perspective, here are some other things we could have done with that money...

- End Global Starvation: According to World Bank estimates, $54 billion a year would eliminate starvation and malnutrition globally by 2015, while $30 billion would provide a year of primary education for every child on earth. At the upper range of those estimates, the $456 billion cost of the war could have fed and educated the world's poor for five and a half years.

Buy free gas for everybody for 1.2 years - US drivers consume approximately 384.7 million gallons of gasoline a day. Retail prices averaged $2.64 a gallon in 2006. Breaking it down, $456 billion could buy gasoline for everybody in the United States, for about 449 days.

End America's reliance on foreign oil - With just one-sixth of the US money targeted for the Iraq war, you could convert all cars in America to run on ethanol. TheBudgetGraph.com estimates that converting the 136,568,083 registered cars in the United States to ethanol (conversion kits at $500) would cost $68.2 billion.

Free college educations for 44 million people - $456 billion translates into 14.5 million free rides for a year at Harvard; 44 million at UMass.

Pay all Medicare benefits for a year - In fiscal 2008, Medicare benefits will total $454 billion, according to a Heritage Foundation summary.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

..A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

..Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

..I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

..Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

..We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

..The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

..And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

..Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

..So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

..Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him .

..He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

..So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

..Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

..He gives up and goes back to bed .

..The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. "

..The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

..The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

..The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

The life cycle is all backwards..

You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home,feeling better every day.. You get kicked out for being too healthy.

Go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa room service on tap, larger quarters everyday.

And finally you finish off as an orgasm.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

More shameless cut & paste.....

The longest cucumber ever was 6'2" long.

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George Patton participated in the pentathlon at the 1912 Olympics, finishing fifth.

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George Bush, Sr.'s drug czar William Bennett once had a date with Janis Joplin.

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Fidel Castro appeared as an extra in a 1944 Hollywood film, "Bathing Beauty."

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The China Syndrome, a film about a nuclear power plant accident, was released in the U.S. three days before the 3 Mile Island accident.

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A porn star named Klaudia set the record for having sex with the most men in a 24-hour period-646! This took place at the World Gangbang Championships in Poland in 2002.

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There are no penguins on or around the North Pole.

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Charles Lindbergh is buried in Hawaii.

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When translated, Wyoming's Grand Teton mountain range literally means, "Big T*ts."

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The record for stone skippings across a pond is 38, by Jerdone McGhee.

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Al Capone died of syphilis.

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According to Ben and Jerry's web site, the most popular flavor is Cherry Garcia.

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A picture of Rita Hayworth was attached to the first atomic bomb.

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Tom Cruise attended a Franciscan seminary for a year while thinking of becoming a priest. His real name is Thomas Cruise Mapother, IV.

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The movie Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid was based on actual events.

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The Rubik's cube was named after its founder, Erno Rubik.

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Fewer than 5% of people who are eligible to give blood in the U.S. do so each year.

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In 1943, the Eagles and Steelers joined forces, and became the Steagles.

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Gene Simmons of KISS speaks fluent Hebrew.

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The biggest blowout in college football history was 222-0, Georgia Tech over Cumberland College in 1916.

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The youngest girl to ever give birth was a 5-year-old Peruvian girl.

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While at Yale, George Bush recorded a 73 average in a class called 'Introduction to the American Political System'.

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Originally, the term "dork" meant elephant penis.

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Originally, the term "geek" referred to people who bit the heads off chicken and snakes in carnival sideshows.

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None of the members of Tony! Toni! Tone! were named Tony, Toni, or Tone.

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The original Marlboro Man died of lung cancer.

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Mennonites get their name from a religious leader who was named Menno Simons.

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Richard Nixon was at a convention in Dallas the day JFK was assassinated.

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The term bling-bling is in new Webster's Collegiate Dictionary.

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Porn Star Asia Carrera has an IQ 40 points higher than DNA discoverer Francis Crick (155-115).

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In 1996, Bob Dole said he wasn't sure if tobacco smoking was addictive.

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It is possible to die of a caffeine overdose. One would need to drink over 100 cups of coffee in 4 hours.

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In the Scooby Doo cartoon, Shaggy's real name was Norville Rogers.

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Due to the Communist scare, the Cincinnati Reds changed their name to the Redlegs in the 1950's.

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Monroe, Adams and Jefferson are the only three presidents to die on July 4th. Adams and Jefferson both died on the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.

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The oldest person to ever swim the English Channel is Matt Damon's uncle.

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Woody Woodpecker's archrival was named Buzz Buzzard.

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In Florida, it's illegal to have sex with a porcupine.

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Elephants and dolphins can both stand on their heads.
__________________

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

I always knew religion had a purpose......

http://www.vidmax.com/index.php/videos/view/1715