Proofreaders wanted!

[Brains_N_Boobs]

1. A site called 'Who Represents ' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is

www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at

www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at

www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at

www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company…

www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

www.molestationnursery. com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always

www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church Their website is

www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:

www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ? Try their brochure website at

www.gotahoe.com

 

[JRaven]

The first one kinda makes sense.
You go to Who Represents to find out how to give a Whore Presents.

 

[Liar]

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

www.molestationnursery.com

For some odd reason, they changed their domain name a while back.

http://www.molerivernursery.com/

 

[English Lady]

I love all these *waves to BnB*

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

Listen up men!

How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10 a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23 very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

 

[rgraham666]

Good thing I've decided to put my love life on hold for the New Year.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

Some savvy advice.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wayne wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office, but she was married.

One day Wayne got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you."

The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Wayne said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her husband, so she called him and explained the situation.

Her husband says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the husband is still waiting for his wife's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the husband calls and asks what happened? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

On December 31st

1929 Guy Lombardo and his Royal Canadians played "Auld Lang Syne" as a New Year's Eve song for the first time.

1943 John Denver is born John Henry Deutschendorf in Roswell, N.M.

1955 General Motors became the first U.S. corporation to earn more than one billion dollars in a single year.

1985 Ricky Nelson dies in an airplane crash near DeKalb, Texas.

1997 Michael Kennedy, 39-year-old son of the late U.S. Sen. Robert F. Kennedy, was killed in a skiing accident on Aspen Mountain in Colorado.

Dember 31,1999 Sarah Knauss died at the age of 119 years. She was the world's oldest person. She was born September 24, 1880.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

> A group of professional people posed this question to a group
of 4
>to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
> The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could
have
>imagined. See what you think:
>---------------------- ----------------------- ----------------------- ------
> "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and
>paint her toenails anymore.
>
> So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his
hands
>got arthritis too. That's love."
> Rebecca- age 8
>
>------------------- ----------------------- ----------------------- ---------
>
> "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different.
> You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
> Billy - age 4
>
>---------------- ----------------------- ----------------------- ------------
> "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving
>cologne and they go out and smell each other."
> Karl - age 5
>
>------------- ----------------------- ----------------------- ---------------
> "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your
>French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
> Chrissy - age 6
>
>---------- ----------------------- ----------------------- ------------------
> "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
> Terri - age 4
>
>------- ----------------------- ----------------------- ---------------------
> "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes
a
>sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
> Danny - age 7
>
>---- ----------------------- ----------------------- ------------------------
> "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired
of
>kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
> My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they
kiss"
> Emily - age 8
>
>- ----------------------- ----------------------- ---------------------------
> "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
>opening presents and listen."
> Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
>
>--------------------- ----------------------- ------------------------------
> "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a
>friend who you hate,"
> Nikka - age 6
> (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
>
>------------------ ----------------------- ---------------------------------
> "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears
it
>everyday."
> Noelle - age 7
>
>--------------- ----------------------- ------------------------------------
> "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still
>friends even after they know each other so well."
> Tommy - age 6
>
>------------ ----------------------- ---------------------------------------
> "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I
>looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and
smiling.
>
> He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
> Cindy - age 8
>
>--------- ----------------------- ------------------------------------------
> "My mommy loves me more than anybody
> You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
> Cla re - age 6
>
>------ ----------------------- ---------------------------------------------
> "Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
> Elaine-age 5
>
>--- ----------------------- ------------------------------------------------
> "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still
says he
>is handsomer thanBrad Pitt."
> Chris - age 7
>
> ----------------------- ---------------------------------------------------
> "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left
him
>alone all day."
> Mary Ann - age 4
>
>-------------------- ------------------------------------------------------
> "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her
old
>clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
> Lauren - age 4
>
>----------------- ---------------------------------------------------------
>
> "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and
little
>stars come out of you." (what an imag e)
> Karen - ag e 7
>
>-------------- ------------------------------------------------------------
> "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But
if
>you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forge t."
> Jessica - age 8
>
>----------- ---------------------------------------------------------------
> And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
talked
>about a contest he was asked to judge.
>
> The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
>
> The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor
was
>an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
>
> Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
>gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
>
> When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the
little
>boy said,
>
>
>
> " Nothing, I just helped him cry"
>
>-------- ----------------------------------------------------------------

 

[cloudy]

> And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
talked
>about a contest he was asked to judge.
>
> The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
>
> The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor
was
>an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
>
> Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
>gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
>
> When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the
little
>boy said,
>
>
>
> " Nothing, I just helped him cry"
>
>-------- ----------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, that made me cry.

 

[rgraham666]

Me too.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

If at first you don't succeed... shift the blame... change the rules... redirect the focus of your critics... spin the media... re-define success... and there won't be any need to try, try again...

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

Finally the code has been broken



DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

> 40-ish..........49.

> Adventurous............ Slept with everyone.

> Athletic.............No breasts.

> Average looking..........arf, arf.

> Beautiful............Pathological liar.

> Emotionally Secure..........On medication.

> Feminist................Man hater.

> Free Spirit.............. Substance abuser.

> Friendship first............Former Slut.

> New-Ager.............Body hair in the wrong places.

> Old-fashioned................No B.J.'s

> Open-minded...............Desperate.

> Outgoing..............Loud and embarrassing.

> Professional...............Dominating Bitch.

> Voluptuous..............Fat.

> Large frame..............Very fat.

> Wants soul mate...........Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

> Yes.........No

> No.........Yes.

> Maybe...........No.

> We need..............I want.

> I am sorry............It was your fault.

> We need to talk...........You're in trouble.

> Sure, go ahead...........You better not.

> Do what you want...........You will pay for this later.

> I am not upset........Of course, I am upset, you moron!

> You're very attentive tonight.......Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

> I am hungry.........I am hungry.

> I am sleepy............I am sleepy.

> I am tired..............I am tired.

> Nice dress............Nice cleavage!

> I love you.........Let's have sex now.

> I am bored...........Do you want to have sex?

> May I have this dance?...........I'd like to have sex with you.

> Can I call you sometime?..........I'd like to have sex with you.

> Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.

> Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.

> I don't think those shoes go with that outfit......I'm gay.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

Read each one carefully and think about it a second or two. Someone sent them to me and I thought they were worth sharing.

1.) I love you, not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you...

2.) No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

3.) Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4.) A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

5.) The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

6.) Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7.) To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8.) Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9.) Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful...

10.) Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

11.) There's always going to be people that hurt you, so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

12.) Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

13.) Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

Remember: Whatever happens, happens for a reason, or so you think!

 

[Guest]

> A group of professional people posed this question to a group
of 4
>to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

>
> "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different.
> You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
> Billy - age 4
>
>----------- ---------------------------------------------------------------
> And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
talked
>about a contest he was asked to judge.
>
> The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
>
> The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor
was
>an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
>
> Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
>gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
>
> When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the
little
>boy said,
>
>
>
> " Nothing, I just helped him cry"
>
>-------- ----------------------------------------------------------------

Love the first one - and the last made me cry, too.

Thanks for this thread, BnB!

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to
be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female
sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to
go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then
simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers,
men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women
to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of
exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam
after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it,
there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
phone book.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.


This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

 

[lipsofanangel]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says,"those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

One day, the father of a little girl spotted her using the most expensive gold wrapping paper they kept for special occasions. She was trying her very best to wrap a small box with this paper. The father became upset and scolded her for wasting so much of the paper and for not asking to use it. He picked up the present, shook it and became even more furious because the box was empty. The daughter started to cry and as her tears flowed down her cheeks, she softly told him, "Daddy, the present isn't empty. I filled it full of kisses just for you." Upon hearing this, he dropped down to his knees and cried and wrapped his arms around her and begged her to forgive him for being so angry.

A few months later, his wife and daughter were killed in a terrible automobile accident. After the funeral, he came home to an empty house, realizing that his wife and daughter were gone forever. He would always have his memories of them but it would never be the same. He spent many nights waking up and crying out their names but the realization was very clear. One night, he woke up and sat on the side of his bed and started to cry. As he wept, he saw the present his daughter had wrapped laying on his nightstand. He opened up the gift slowly and found a letter his daughter had written inside. As he opened the letter, he sobbed uncontrollably as he read, "Daddy, whenever you feel sad and lonely, please don’t cry. Just reach inside this box. I filled it full of kisses just for you"........

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

>His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while
>trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from
>a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.
>
>There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and
>struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could
>have been a slow and terrifying death.
>
>The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse
>surroundings An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced
>himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
>
>"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."
>
>"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied
>waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door
>of the family hovel.
>
>"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
>
>"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
>
>"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my
>own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt
>grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.
>
>Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated
>from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become
>known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the
>discoverer of Penicillin.
>
>Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was
>stricken with pneumonia.
>
>What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
>
>The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?
>
>Sir Winston Churchill.

 

[jomar]

You've been a busy boy. Thanks.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

Another rare coin surfaces.....

Rare miss-struck US "low-flying Eagle" coin discovered......

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

A man entered a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde lady.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2039
>
>
>Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
>country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White
>minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third
>language.
>
>
>Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
>
>
>Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock
>
>
>Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
>
>
>Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the
>Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
>
>
>
>Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 1000
>years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
>
>
>France pleads for global help after being focibly overtaken by The Faulkland Islands.
>
>
>
>Castro finally dies at age 122; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
>but President Chelsea Clinton has banned smoking.
>
>
>George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2046.
>
>
>
>Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $117.89 and reduces
>mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
>
>
>25-year $175.8 billion study reveals: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight >loss.
>
>
>Average weight of Americans drops to 360 lbs.
>
>
>Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast that they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
>
>
>
>Massachusetts marks the passing of the last surviving conservative.
>
>
>Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
>
>Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
>
>New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters
>and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2041.
>
>Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
>contributions to campaign accounts.
>
>IRS sets lowest tax rate at 85 percent
>
>Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

Grown Women


Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.

Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits.



Girls want to control the man in their life.

Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.



Girls check you for not calling them.

Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.



Girls are afraid to be alone.

Grown women revel in it-using it as a time for personal growth.



Girls ignore the good guys.

Grown women ignore the bad guys.



Girls make you come home.

Grown women make you want to come home.



Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.

Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.



Girls try to monopolize all their man's time ( i.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).

Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends.



Girls think a guy crying is weak.

Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.



Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.

Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.



Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.

Grown women know that that was just one man.



Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.

Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness.



Girls will read this and get an attitude.

Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends.



" Do not go where the path may lead, go instead, where there is no path and leave a trail."



WHICH ARE YOU? A Girl or GROWN WOMAN?