Proof I'll sleep through anything.

[naudiz]

So I wake up and meander outside for my morning 'where the hell am I' constitutional, while waiting for coffee to brew, and there are all these residents from my complex murmuring and scurrying about. The natives are restless. Someone asks me if I know what happened. I stare blankly, shrug, and wander toward the the direction he pointed to see what's going on.

A little over fifty feet from where I was just sleeping, there are news cameras, firemen, police, and neighbors gathered around the line of yellow tape holding everyone back while the nice firemen stabilize our building with what look like steel rods of some kind. This would be because a portion of someone's apartment is not so much wall now as splintered wood, all buckled in with a nice gaping hole. A few feet away, a tow truck is dragging what's left of a small blue car off the lawn.

I don't know how the car missed the tree right out front, but it smacked right into our building. I did my patriotic duty of rubber-necking for awhile, cracked a few one liners to the maintenance guy, and wandered back inside to pour myself some coffee.

Good morning world. Watch where you park that thing.

 

[Dillinger]

Damn... that really is sleeping soundly!

Personally, I couldn't even sleep through the hard-on I woke up with this morning.

 

[APhil]

Watch where you park that thing.

I watch. I'm just waiting for that rotting maple tree to fall on my truck.

 

[naudiz]

Damn, Dillinger. I keep reading about this hard-on, and pretty soon I'm not going to be able to sleep through it either. It's reaching mythical status. I'm going to worry about it more than the bogeyman, who I hear is hung like a tic-tac.

APhil, that reminds me of another 'I'll sleep through anything' story about the time when I was a kid, and there was a tree in front of our house that was starting to rot, and it was periodically dropping limbs on us. We really should've seen it coming -- never buy a house with a dent in it. Anyway, I finally dragged my carcass out of bed to the tune of two chainsaws going off full-blast right outside my window as the work crew was taking care of our little tree problem. Our loyal dog, who was supposed to wake me up with his fierce and protective barking, was sitting under the foreman's chair like he'd just made a new best friend.

Welcome to life. Please wear protective headgear at all times.

 

[APhil]

July 3, 1994:

I'm sitting in the living room of my house, watching TV, when I hear the loudest crashing sounds I have ever heard in my life (and I've been through two car accidents). I look out the window on the opposite wall and my view is blocked by wood and leaves. It took three days to clear the fallen tree (locust) out without cutting into the brick wall of the house.

 

[sunstruck]

Naudiz you should make bumper stickers.

And Dilly, you should masterbate before you go to bed.

 

[pipercatt]

I slept through the Scorpion King at the movie theatre...

 

[naudiz]

I'm telling you people, our greatest threat to national security is trees. They're more organized than you think. Suicidal bastards, too. Our town is so proud of living in a pristine arboreal setting. Surrounded by the enemy is more like it. Fuck that noise. I'm not going outside anymore without a football helmet and a chainsaw.

I don't think I could fit that on a bumper sticker, but I'm liking this idea.

Oh, man. I was heavily medicated when I went to see The Mummy, and it was a bad idea. I kept talking to the movie. Mr. N. threatened to make me go wait in the car after I belted out, "Don't harvest his eyes, you fool! He's nearsighted!"

 

[J.B.]

my sister'll sleep through earthquakes.

me? Someone sneezes & I wake up.

go figure

 

[harleyhog]

drop your pants and get down on all 4's,,,,,,,,,,,,,never had anyone fall asleep on me yet

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Ahhh, the joys of apartment living. I miss the fire department coming to the building every 6 months to a year, and having to stand outside in the cold at 2AM in the morning wondering if it was just some kid pulling the alarm as a prank, or if it was an arsonist, or if it was some college kids having a party and a joint caught the couch on fire (all of which happened, and more).

I also miss the burnouts in the parking lot, the people coming to pick up coworkers and honking their horns at 6AM, the upstairs neighbors stomping back an forth in their apartment at all hours, or their kids playing their stereo really loud, or people coming to my door at 1AM looking for someone on another floor, or people stealing stuff off my car.

 

[naudiz]

You assume I'm wearing pants.

I've never fallen asleep riding the baloney pony. I've blacked out a few times, though. Good times.

I'm actually a chronic insomniac. Name the sleep drug, I've taken it and it doesn't work. I lay in bed thinking about stuff, like Dillinger's wood (and I'm talking sequoia here), or the bogeyman's tic-tac, or what if in some alternate dimension there was another me, my exact opposite, and would it be the good twin or the bad twin, or if I was stranded on the moon, what use would a six-shooter be? Could I use it to propel a life raft? You know, important shit.

When I finally drift off though, I'm gone. Dead to the world. I've slept through getting up, turning off my alarm clock, and crawling back into bed. It's a damned good thing I set my own hours.

 

[claude_moveml]

Hey naudiz, I'm writing some music for your little fellow to jig to, 150 beats per minute exactly is how fast he's jigging. God I'm such a nerd sometimes.

 

[April]

Re: Re: Proof I'll sleep through anything.

the upstairs neighbors stomping back an forth in their apartment at all hours,

That was me. Sorry.

 

[naudiz]

Stand proud, my brother in nerd-dom! I found out he really looks groovy jigging to "In the Mood." Swing it!

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Re: Re: Re: Proof I'll sleep through anything.

That was me. Sorry.

Bullshit! That guy had to weigh at least 300 pounds! Several times I thought we were having another earthquake - seriously. Sheesh! And don't tell me heavy people can't walk light, I weigh 250 but you wouldn't even know I was home if you lived under me.

 

[Dillinger]

Naudiz you should make bumper stickers.

And Dilly, you should masterbate before you go to bed.

Are you implying that you don't want to read about my morning wood?

 

[teddybear4play]

About five years ago, there was a loon who got his jollies from breaking into cars, pouring gasoline into the interior, lighting it on fire, and running away.

One morning at about 2 AM I awoke to the sound of a steady car horn. Turns out that's what the horn is supposed to do when the car is burning. Anyway, I called 911, and they said they knew . . . evidently, I was the last one in the neighborhood to notice and call 911.

But if you want really dead to the world, on September 11 I didn't wake up until about 10 or 11 a.m. (11 or noon East Coast time) despite a parade of people telling me to wake up and watch what was going on. By then, the towers had already fallen, the Pentagon had already been hit, and Flight 93 had already crashed. So I slept through all the anguish everyone had of what would happen next.

TB4p

 

[Dillinger]

Damn, Dillinger. I keep reading about this hard-on, and pretty soon I'm not going to be able to sleep through it either. It's reaching mythical status. I'm going to worry about it more than the bogeyman, who I hear is hung like a tic-tac.

Just call me "Pan."

 

[April]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Proof I'll sleep through anything.

Bullshit! That guy had to weigh at least 300 pounds! Several times I thought we were having another earthquake - seriously. Sheesh! And don't tell me heavy people can't walk light, I weigh 250 but you wouldn't even know I was home if you lived under me.

Well, I did have a weight problem.

 

[naudiz]

Just call me "Pan."

Gladly, though I'm on a Priapus kick these days. No comments from the peanut gallery.

I'm also listening to Malaysian pop while writing an article on the nature of the online gaming community. It's oddly satisfying.

Man. Last night, my upstairs neighbors would not shut up. It sounded like they'd released a rhino up there. It's a damn good thing they decided to pipe down before I went to bed or there would've been a rumble. Our apartment has a quiet policy. After ten p.m. if it can be heard outside your apartment, it's too loud. I have no compunctions about marching up there armed with irate landlords dragged out of bed at ungodly hours.

It's actually not a bad place when cars aren't crashing into it.

 

[sunstruck]

Are you implying that you don't want to read about my morning wood?

I would never imply that.

 

[Dillinger]

Gladly, though I'm on a Priapus kick these days.

It's actually not a bad place when cars aren't crashing into it.

Yes, I know - did you see my respose to your Priapus post the other day?

Signed,

Pan

 

[Dillinger]

I would never imply that.

Good. I'll continue to update you on the state of my arousal then.

 

[naudiz]

I did indeed. I'm Obscurity Girl. Everyone needs a schtick. When you pick up the references, it makes me all kinds of happy.

Passage Ten of the Priapeia cracks me up every time.

'Ware of my catching! If caught, with rod I never will harm thee
Nor to thee deal sore wound using my sickle that curves.
Pierced with a foot-long pole thy skin shall be stretched in such fashion
Thou shalt be fain to believe ne'er had a wrinkle thine arse.

Sweet talker. I bet there were people who got caught on purpose just for the punishment. I think there's actually a passage about that somewhere.