Promising Modeling Careers

[Dear Me]

First Lit Story...I'd love feedback

I'd really appreciate some feeedback on my first story:

Promising Modeling Careers

Thanks


Dear Me

Link to story

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=88767

 

[gauchecritic]

Dear Dear Me,

Now try to relax because I'm afraid this may hurt.

General thoughts: The story comes across as a lot of sentences joined together. The explanations of relationships is rather confusing and too much information in one go. Even though the children are working models I have no idea at all what either of them look like. (I'm not telling you to list attributes, that's a definite no-no) You jump straight in with a stranger to these kids merely suggesting that they behave erotically with each other and they do, it just doesn't work or read right.

That's the worst part. Now a little constructiveness.

Writing in 3rd person (omniscient) gives you the opportunity to explain as deeply as you want to what each and every person feels. You should take this opportunity, in depth. As an alternative (I think this would work for you) write in first person as one of your characters. This would help the flow that is missing.
A being the mother of B and C and a friend of D who is also a personal friend of A's S/O is as confusing (although just as descriptive and accurate) as your information overload. Try spreading such information throughout the story instead of dumping it in all at once.
On a similar note, being models is the ideal situation for you to be more evocative of these peoples looks, but not in a list please, contrast them through comparison with the photographer or assistant.
I was more uncomfortable about the kids doing as they were merely asked by their mother and the photographer than the kids themselves. If they were that easy with the apparently sudden exposure of their mother's seamier side then you should have explored this earlier, for example; often catching their mother naked or having lewd thoughts about each other or already being in a consanguinous affair which their mother was attempting to bring into the open so she could join in.


On the positive side I can't recall any glaring spelling or punctuation errors. The story idea was original to me and in that way I did quite enjoy it.

One other thing, this is a taste thing, I didn't think there was enough sex.

On the other hand if there had been a little more anticipation and possible conflict then there wouldn't necessarily need to be more sex.

Gauche

 

[reohoko]

Ditto

I agree with Gauche.

 

[Dear Me]

Thanks for taking the time to respond Gauche. Your suggestions will be helpful. And reohoko thanks for your posting too.

I had tried to remove this thread because I got lots of positive feedback via email from people when they read the story. But for some reason the sysytem wouldn't let me. It's probably me stuffing it up because I'm a newby at this.

(Thanks to all those who responded directly. Your comments were really appreciated by an amateur like me).

On the issue of character development that you raised, I do think in a page or so it's not possibe to go more deeply into characters. I wasn't trying to do that. I wasn't that ambitious with this story. I just tried to write something erotic...not a great literary work. (I'll leave the great literary erotic works to people of the calibre of Anais Nin).

And I'm pleased to say that is how everyone who responded-except you and reohoko- found it, including the editors who rated it hot. Most asked me to hurry up and write the next part. They couldn't wait.

On the question of sex, you're right it is a taste thing. I think most erotic writers err on the side of too much, too soon, too quickly. I try to avoid that.

The son and daughter were I suppose pretty submissive but I rather like that touch. I don't think it was necessary to provide a lead up or background on that as you suggest. It's quite obvious from reading the story that they were very pliable. Clearly the mother is a dominant figure for them. And a loving one. Even if I had the space I wouldn't have provided that sort of background. In my opinion it would just make it all very obvious and wouldn't make them more believable as characters.

Thanks again


Dear Me

 

[CrownJoolz]

feedback

Thanks for taking the time to respond Gauche. Your suggestions will be helpful. And reohoko thanks for your posting too.

I had tried to remove this thread because I got lots of positive feedback via email from people when they read the story. But for some reason the sysytem wouldn't let me. It's probably me stuffing it up because I'm a newby at this.

(Thanks to all those who responded directly. Your comments were really appreciated by an amateur like me).

On the issue of character development that you raised, I do think in a page or so it's not possibe to go more deeply into characters. I wasn't trying to do that. I wasn't that ambitious with this story. I just tried to write something erotic...not a great literary work. (I'll leave the great literary erotic works to people of the calibre of Anais Nin).

And I'm pleased to say that is how everyone who responded-except you and reohoko- found it, including the editors who rated it hot. Most asked me to hurry up and write the next part. They couldn't wait.

On the question of sex, you're right it is a taste thing. I think most erotic writers err on the side of too much, too soon, too quickly. I try to avoid that.

The son and daughter were I suppose pretty submissive but I rather like that touch. I don't think it was necessary to provide a lead up or background on that as you suggest. It's quite obvious from reading the story that they were very pliable. Clearly the mother is a dominant figure for them. And a loving one. Even if I had the space I wouldn't have provided that sort of background. In my opinion it would just make it all very obvious and wouldn't make them more believable as characters.

Thanks again


Dear Me

First of all, the whole point of this board is to solicit a critique of your writing from people who might not otherwise read your work. It is a place for people who want to write well to get input from people who are willing to take the time to help them write well. If all you want are positive strokes, why did you ask for an honest opinion?

Secondly, the e-mail you received is mostly positive because it is from your target audience, people who enjoy reading incest stories, and I'd venture to guess that it was mostly "Great story. Can't wait to read the next one." That is not a commentary on the quality of your writing, rather a polite pat on the back.

Now, I don't normally read incest stories, they are just not my thing. But since you had asked for feedback I gave it the old college try. In all honesty, if you want to be a good writer, take a deep breath and listen to gauche. He made some insightful, really helpful points and he was right on the mark.

What really leapt out at me was the behavior of the kids. You state that they are 18 and 19, but you have them behaving as if they were 13 and 14. This is a big red flag for me. It says to me "These kids are really younger, but if I don't say they are at least 18 I won't get posted on Literotica." I worked in Advertising for years and have seen countless models and the way they behave. In reality, most 18 and 19-year-old models are not being taken to photo shoots by their mother, but the 13 and 14-year-old ones are.

For this story to make any sense you need to establish why 2 legal adults are acting like adolescents, and that would require more background and character development. Is their mother an overly-involved, smothering stage mother? Have they dedicated so much time to this modeling career that they haven't had time to cultivate relationships, even friendships, with people their own age? This does not require pages and pages. It can be done in a well-written sentence or two.

Nobody is expecting you to be Anais Ninn, but if you want to improve as a writer, don't ask people to take the time to read your work and then dismiss their suggestions out of hand.

Joolz

PS- it is not the editors who rate it "Hot". The little "H" next to a story comes from reader voting. If it is an editor's pick it will have a little "E" next to it.

 

[silversword]

I must say I have to agree with the comments made above.

If you are prepared to ask for feedback you should be prepared for whatever you get. Especially given this is your first story I think you should consider all feedback on a level ground.

For me the story line was well concieved an original idea that would have huge potential.

My personal points on this would be too much narrative to start, you introduce all your characters in the first couple of paragraphs. Try introducing one or two, say your main characters, Paul and Julie, then once you've done a little work with them introduce the next characters, say Mary.

This way not only to you make it easier for the reader to take in the characters but also allows you to develop each character a little.

Finally I must agree with CrownJoolz in relation to the age thing. It does appear that you are trying to portray them as being younger than what you described in the first line. Especially going down the line of shaving pubic hair to give a younger look. It begs the question why would a photographer need to make an 18 year old girl look younger??????

But don't be disheartend, you've had alot of positive feedback and this should be encouragement enough to keep writing.

Silver

 

[Dear Me]

Thanks for your comments Silverswood and Crown Joolz.

I'm a little surprised at what you are saying. I did appreciate the crits that I got from two people here. I expressed my thanks for their taking the time to respond. I said their suggestions would be helpful.

I considered what they said and, where I disagreed, I explained why I disagreed. I hardly think that is dismissing something out of hand as Crown Joolz said.

I'm certainly not disheartened and don't think I really need to take a deep breath. Your crits don't upset me in any way. I thank you for them. And I have considered them. If I was any more relaxed about it , I'd be unconscious.

Now on the reality or plausibility question. These stories are clearly fantasy. I'd be very surprised if anything like them ever happened. And I'm not looking for some completely realistic portrayal of a photo studio. It's just used as a story device. I may be wrong, I am after all inexperienced, but I still don't think this story would benefit from more character development. I think it is clear enough that the characters are submissive. Spending a paragrapph or so explaining that would seem redundant to me.

On the age question...there are many submissive people in the BDSM lifestyle for example whose behaviour is like that of the characters in the story. People in their fifties even call others "daddy" and have their pubic hair shaved to look and feel more submissive and younger, for example. And many people in comtemporary society are constantly trying to look younger. It's a modern obscession. Dieting to the extreme for a younger skinny look is a manifestation of it. The younger characters in the story are 18 and 19. There is no intention on my part to circumvent any rules here as Crown Joolz seems to imply. They are simply acting in a submissive way to their mother and the photographer.

You rightly say if you ask for crits one should be prepared to consider negative as well as positive crits. Similarly if you make crits you can't expect people - no matter how inexperienced they may be - to necessarliy agree with your crits. You are however entitled to expect them to them to consider your crits respectfully. I have done that.

I have since realised about the hot rating. I'm not certain but it seems if your rating is 4.5 or above your story automatically receives a hot rating. But I should add I'm very appreciative of the feedback I have got and don't agree, as Crown Joolz seems to imply, that it is somehow necassarliy inferior to that expressed here.

Oh and I didn't expect to receive the level of feedback I got from readers. That's why I started this thread. And I tried to remove the thread after getting lots of direct reader feedback, well before any earlier comments here. I just tried to save the time in having to look in two places.


Thanks to both of you for your comments.


Dear Me