Proclivities Part 5 - Any opinions?

[Mastered_again]

Part 5 of my Proclivities series posted today. I'd like to know if the characters are remaining "true" as the story progresses. It certainly is a challenge when writing such a lengthy bit of scribbling. Thanks.

https://literotica.com/s/proclivities-pt-05-boardwalk-stroll

 

[TheRedChamber]

Okay, here is some feedback for part 5.

1) I think the characters are largely remaining true - I guess part of what you are asking is about the idea that George is not as tough in his requirements as he hinted at in chapter 1 - I suppose this could come as a revelation, but to be honest they've been getting on so well, it didn't really come as a surprise. As I noted before, the story is very much one of two people enjoying each others company and bodies .

2) This episode did come across as bit of a combinations of previous ones - a bit of exhibitionism, a bit of a heart-to-heart and then back home for more sex - with the sex being significantly shorter and less eventful than previously. Possibly this could have been combined into previous chapters, though I liked the general set-up of sea-food and beach walk, as I mentioned, I was feeling ready for the story to move onto Monday morning (or next week's barbecue) after chapter four.

3) This was also a bit of a chatty episode which can be okay, but for example, in the conversation in the car, you have 40 lines of dialogue in a row with neither of the character doing anything - maybe have him overtake a car, or stop for lights occassionally, or have them pass a lighthouse or something. To be honest, the second time I read through it for giving feedback I forgot they were even in a car. I've mentioned this before, but I noticed this again, that you tend to have quite a lot of set-up for things happening - for example, it takes about 1,800 words for them even to get to the restaurant, which is where I'd been inclined to start the chapter - now some of that is important stuff about George's past, but i would be tempted to have them discuss that in the restaurant - but some of it is just having a discussion about how hungry they are and where they are going to eat.

4) Talking about the restaurant, I'd have liked some more details about it - the sea-food restaurants you have are, from what I understand, quite different from the ones we have in the UK, and you set it up as an authentic interesting place, but then you have them finish their meal a couple of sentences after the food arrives. Again, you have the characters discuss how delicious it is, whereas I would have liked the sensual aspects of eating to have been described more directly. (That said, having written this, I've just realized I'm probably equally guilty of this in my new story).

5) I think maybe Mary turned into Jane at some point in the story unless I'm missing something?

 

[Mastered_again]

Okay, here is some feedback for part 5.

1) I think the characters are largely remaining true - I guess part of what you are asking is about the idea that George is not as tough in his requirements as he hinted at in chapter 1 - I suppose this could come as a revelation, but to be honest they've been getting on so well, it didn't really come as a surprise. As I noted before, the story is very much one of two people enjoying each others company and bodies .

2) This episode did come across as bit of a combinations of previous ones - a bit of exhibitionism, a bit of a heart-to-heart and then back home for more sex - with the sex being significantly shorter and less eventful than previously. Possibly this could have been combined into previous chapters, though I liked the general set-up of sea-food and beach walk, as I mentioned, I was feeling ready for the story to move onto Monday morning (or next week's barbecue) after chapter four.

3) This was also a bit of a chatty episode which can be okay, but for example, in the conversation in the car, you have 40 lines of dialogue in a row with neither of the character doing anything - maybe have him overtake a car, or stop for lights occassionally, or have them pass a lighthouse or something. To be honest, the second time I read through it for giving feedback I forgot they were even in a car. I've mentioned this before, but I noticed this again, that you tend to have quite a lot of set-up for things happening - for example, it takes about 1,800 words for them even to get to the restaurant, which is where I'd been inclined to start the chapter - now some of that is important stuff about George's past, but i would be tempted to have them discuss that in the restaurant - but some of it is just having a discussion about how hungry they are and where they are going to eat.

4) Talking about the restaurant, I'd have liked some more details about it - the sea-food restaurants you have are, from what I understand, quite different from the ones we have in the UK, and you set it up as an authentic interesting place, but then you have them finish their meal a couple of sentences after the food arrives. Again, you have the characters discuss how delicious it is, whereas I would have liked the sensual aspects of eating to have been described more directly. (That said, having written this, I've just realized I'm probably equally guilty of this in my new story).

5) I think maybe Mary turned into Jane at some point in the story unless I'm missing something?

Thanks and noted, but you are right, I messed up and used Jane instead of Mary. I think is a surmountable error and doesn't merit resubmitting.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Thanks and noted, but you are right, I messed up and used Jane instead of Mary. I think is a surmountable error and doesn't merit resubmitting.

I corrected the mistake you pointed out with my previous story and it took about a month to go through, so yeah resubmitting is a pain. If she comes back, maybe you can call her Mary-Jane.

 

[Mastered_again]

I corrected the mistake you pointed out with my previous story and it took about a month to go through, so yeah resubmitting is a pain. If she comes back, maybe you can call her Mary-Jane.

She won't be back, just a character of convenience

 

[RandyPanda]

I read part 6 proclivities. I could be wrong but i think it's not in your nature to bring other people down. At least that's the impression i get since you're so friendly. However having said that, creating a character that everyone loves to hate (Betty busy body) and then taking them down a peg is always fun to read. I like that Linda and George are working as a team and have a common goal or interest that they can collude and plan for. Little mind games that they can huddle and whisper about like it's them against the world.

So another great installment of your series

 

[Mastered_again]

I read part 6 proclivities. I could be wrong but i think it's not in your nature to bring other people down. At least that's the impression i get since you're so friendly. However having said that, creating a character that everyone loves to hate (Betty busy body) and then taking them down a peg is always fun to read. I like that Linda and George are working as a team and have a common goal or interest that they can collude and plan for. Little mind games that they can huddle and whisper about like it's them against the world.

So another great installment of your series

Thanks, Randy.
You're correct in that I tend to write positive and romantic stories, too much shit in the world to compound it with my writing. Hopefully there's enough smut to keep the reader's attention.
Part 7 should be submitted sometime the weekend.

 

[Whanmore]

I just read your first chapter. I'm Very interested to see how things progress with George. The writing is fun to read. I left a comment on your story

 

[Mastered_again]

Parts 6 and 7 now up. Any thoughts?

 

[TheRedChamber]

I read part 6 a few days ago. I'll give some feedback as a whole once I've finished both as I didn't have too much to say and I'm all feedbacked out at the moment.

 

[Mastered_again]

No rush and understandable. Your evaluations are always thorough and thoughtful❤

 

[RandyPanda]

I know I've said before that I'm not much of an E&V fan but I enjoyed that side of it in part 7. More specifically getting in contact with the other couple.

 

[TheRedChamber]

1) Incredibly minor point, but you're using roman numerals for the chapter heading in 6 and decimal numbers for chapter 7.
2) The initial converstation with the main character and Betty was fun. However the problem with having a single viewpoint story is that the resolution was essentially 'off-screen' and George just deals with things and tells her about it, which is a bit of an anti-climax. It might have been nice to have had another encounter between the MC and Betty wrapping things up, or to arrange the confrontation to have all three of them present.
3) I feel like there have been a lot of showers in the story. The shower sex in chapter 6 felt a bit as if it was there to fulfil a requirement for sex in every chapter (and also to add to the feeling of happiness in the new relationship). I was more interested in them getting to work, so I wouldn't have minded a no-sex chapter.
4) Overall, these chapters have a bit of a feeling of treading old ground. Only about a third of the 'back to work' chapter is set at work and chapter seven is back at the house again. We get quite a long recap of what has happened so far with the conversation with Judy. Although the introduction of the other couplel added spice to it, chapter 7 is very similar to previous chapters - they post them and then fuck anally. and even things like the references to cleaning-up *felt* similar.
5) As a result, I think for both of these chapters the most dramatic things happen on page one - since the title for 7 is 'It's Love' (or the longer version, damn Lit and its character limits) the declaration could have come later in the story. I'd also say that, while it's a deeply signifant moment for the characters, as I reader my feeling was 'Yes, i know'
6) At this stage it the story I'm used to the idea of this being a 'Perfect Partner' story (which is quite noticable in the moving in scene) and that the characters are not really going to clash over things. That said, I did think there should be more emotional conflict over the introduction of the new couple. I'm going to quote part of the section where they discuss the couple:

"To put it mildly," I confirmed. "Should we reply to them?"

"At the very least we should acknowledge their message."

"Of course, but what about the other stuff!"

"I'm not sure. What do you think?"

"It might be fun meeting a couple who share our...proclivities, but..."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. It could be really awkward. How about we'll consider it, but would like to get to know them better via email first, with the understanding that you and I are monogamous. I don't want them getting the wrong impression."

"I hadn't considered that, but I'm glad you did," I replied, inwardly gushing at his statement.

"But, damn, she's got some big tits."

"To say the least," I said and then added somewhat self-consciously, "You like them?"

"Sure, they're impressive, but they're obviously implants."

"Really? How can you tell?"

"Easy. Don't they look overinflated and her nipples a bit out of place?"

"On a second look, I see what you mean."

"They not perfect like yours."

"Perfect?"

The problem for me is that I feel that there should be a bit more internal voice for the MC here - she's in the situation where her wonderful new lover is looking at photographs of another woman who lives close by - there should be some kind of more response that just 'self-conciously' - whatever it is, in that kind of circumstance there's surely always going to be some kind of disconnect between what you say to you lover and what you are actually thinking. Again, George almost immediately says 'We're monogamous' which takes some of the tension out of the scene both for us and for the MC. Even if George is saying all the right things and has demonstrated commitment, there should still be more nerves.
7) As an aside, while there are certainly some men who care deeply about it, and while George definitely has the diplomatic answer here, I'm always amused by the idea that fake tits are worse (although no-one likey skewy nipples)