Proclivities Part 2 - All Feedback Welcome

[Mastered_again]

Part 2 of my story series Proclivities posted today.

https://www.literotica.com/s/proclivities-pt-02-what-now

Hoping for some feedback and will reciprocate if desired

 

[yowser]

Sweet story, with many strengths.

My critique arrives with two deficits, so take my comments appropriately.

I haven't read the first part, so am coming in 'cold.' That this worked so well as a 'standalone' is a testament to your skill at explanation and contextualising.

I personally have an anti-kink against pubic shaving (my ideal universe involves only the most minimal forest clearing, a strong preference for old growth woodlands.) Again, that you kept my interest through the follicular barbarities is a tribute to your abilities.

You bring the reader right into your character's life, the details you employ are perceptive and authentic and ground the story with tangible effects.

Your characters are three dimensional and appealing (although your knight needs more quirks and wrinkles in his life and will work better with some flaws) and it is easy to identify and place the attractions and interests of the emerging couple.

Pacing was excellent, my only comment here is the same I level at 90% of everything here on lit (and true for my own work): you could cut ten or twenty percent of the story down and it would be much better. Movement could work better if handled quickly, with hints and bare outlines rather than extended transitions. (Many places that include lots of detail are great - the descriptions you employ are often engaging and appropriate, so don't ditch them, just tighten up the less essential transitions.)

Grammar, spelling, the brickwork are all solid. The only typo I caught is one any of us could do: "You might want to put on your sweater, you're poking our a bit..." Your confidence and surety with narration are fine.

But...

Ditch two thirds of the adverbs. All those 'broadly, cheerfully, affectionately' - they grow aggravating in their accumulation.

Exclamation points, please only the most sparing use. I got irritated at all the internal tics of the narrator, the 'damn!', 'shit!' etc. Surely you can show the internal monologue clearly without these unnecessary grunts.

Sex was good, although far more verbal than necessary. I don't mind folks making utterances during events, and you use dialogue to further the situational relationship, but a little less would be a little more here.

So overall, really a fine read, far better than most of the stories here. Your confidence as a writer is obvious, and a little firmer hand on the tiller (oh dear, am I starting to follow the nautical pattern here?) will do you well.

You said you have been away, sweet to see you back. Looking forward for more.

 

[Mastered_again]

Sweet story, with many strengths.

My critique arrives with two deficits, so take my comments appropriately.

I haven't read the first part, so am coming in 'cold.' That this worked so well as a 'standalone' is a testament to your skill at explanation and contextualising.

I personally have an anti-kink against pubic shaving (my ideal universe involves only the most minimal forest clearing, a strong preference for old growth woodlands.) Again, that you kept my interest through the follicular barbarities is a tribute to your abilities.

You bring the reader right into your character's life, the details you employ are perceptive and authentic and ground the story with tangible effects.

Your characters are three dimensional and appealing (although your knight needs more quirks and wrinkles in his life and will work better with some flaws) and it is easy to identify and place the attractions and interests of the emerging couple.

Pacing was excellent, my only comment here is the same I level at 90% of everything here on lit (and true for my own work): you could cut ten or twenty percent of the story down and it would be much better. Movement could work better if handled quickly, with hints and bare outlines rather than extended transitions. (Many places that include lots of detail are great - the descriptions you employ are often engaging and appropriate, so don't ditch them, just tighten up the less essential transitions.)

Grammar, spelling, the brickwork are all solid. The only typo I caught is one any of us could do: "You might want to put on your sweater, you're poking our a bit..." Your confidence and surety with narration are fine.

But...

Ditch two thirds of the adverbs. All those 'broadly, cheerfully, affectionately' - they grow aggravating in their accumulation.

Exclamation points, please only the most sparing use. I got irritated at all the internal tics of the narrator, the 'damn!', 'shit!' etc. Surely you can show the internal monologue clearly without these unnecessary grunts.

Sex was good, although far more verbal than necessary. I don't mind folks making utterances during events, and you use dialogue to further the situational relationship, but a little less would be a little more here.

So overall, really a fine read, far better than most of the stories here. Your confidence as a writer is obvious, and a little firmer hand on the tiller (oh dear, am I starting to follow the nautical pattern here?) will do you well.

You said you have been away, sweet to see you back. Looking forward for more.

Thank you. That's exactly what I was looking for and duly noted. I truly appreciate the detailed response.

The knight will reveal some foibles in part 3, which should be submitted in the coming days.

 

[RachelPost]

I very much enjoyed both stories. I couldn't help but be reminded of the porno version of 50 Shades of Grey." The movie I am referring to issue "The Submission of Emma Marx," with Penny Pax.

 

[Mastered_again]

I very much enjoyed both stories. I couldn't help but be reminded of the porno version of 50 Shades of Grey." The movie I am referring to issue "The Submission of Emma Marx," with Penny Pax.

Thank you Rachel. I've never seen the movie, so I'll take your word on it.

Most of what I've written is based on personal experiences ("based on real events" as the TV promos would say), just embellished and time compressed to help the story move along.

Hubby and I don't watch much porn these days. I can't see diddly squat without my glasses, and they tend to get in the way once the old engine gets fired up