Postpartum Sex Issues

[SweetErika]

OK, here's an update for those interested:

I went to a female urologist who specializes in sexual dysfunction today, she did a pelvic with a comprehensive vulvar exam (which most gynos don't ever do) and came up with a clear diagnosis of vestibulitis. The exam involved touching my vulva with a cotton swab, which I could have sworn was a pointy skewer or something similarly sharp and incredibly painful. She was able to replicate the pain I experience during penetration, so I'm sure we're on the right track with this diagnosis.

There's no definitive cause(s) or cure for this disease, but I feel a lot better knowing it's a real physical condition that has some treatments and it may just go away on its own at some point. Since it's autoimmune and the timing suggests my pregnancy was probably what set it off.

For the next month, I'm going to try applying a numbing cream 20 minutes before sex (and obviously washing it off so it doesn't numb him) and changing my diet a bit. Hopefully that'll do the trick because the other treatments are more risky, expensive and time consuming.

 

[travelboy]

This is a very worthwhile thread as its a common problem so well done on sharing.

No doubt S.E you have researched this in detial wtih your normal methodical approach.

I can only ask you to consider the follwoing that dont seem to have been mentioned - both difficult wtih the demands of a baby etc.
1. How fit are you? Are you able to find time to do 30 minutes plus of reasonably intensive exercise.
2. Have you tried meditation.

- WIth all the demands you have as a new mother its important but possibly very difficutl to find time to reconnect wtih your body and sloooooooow down your mind
- The fitter you are the better your body deals with stress - esp the physical kind, builds up energy etc etc.

Its amazing how well our bodies deal with demands when they are STRONG from a physiological standpoint - almost unbelivably so.
.
Secondly our minds cannot be still when our bodies are exhausted.

ONe last thing. Whilst you know your husband best and i cant comment on an individual i have never met - as a general rule - and as a man - If your husband says to trust him then do so.

If he cares for you - then he is not going to do anything to add to your stress.

It is possibly unlkely he is going to force his own needs on you when you are in distress. Possibly your current lack of desire will decrease his own if he's intune wtih you.
ANd as for him drifting - surely he realises this is a new phase in your relationship and wants to enjoy all the new components, challenges, joys and difficulties with you.

from my own personal perspective - my one problem with the areas i have visited on this site is that it focuses very much on the physical aspects of sex- the how to/the needs/the cahsing of an orgasm etc and keeping it funky,making sure your partner doesnt stray.

Physical intimacy/sharing of a space whether it involves sex or non penetrative touch is also more powerfully a tool of connection between partners and a means of sharing a spritual experience.

I dont think this site explores and promotes this aspect enough

Possibly use this time to reconnect wtih why you are together/enjoying the special space a new child brings etc etc.

A lot of guys even youthful in age value and enjoy this side even more than getting their rocks off with something tight and firm.

Good luck erica this is just antoher journey. I sometimes think life throws us challenges to move us on from even those places that are exquisite and enjoyable to force us to keep on learning.

The best libido for me has always been the component of sex that involves a journey of learning shared with a loved one

Feelings of Fear, doubt, feelings of inadequacy, unsexiness etc all of which are libido killers should be shot down as soon as they arise. New mothers are sexy, impressive and desireable.

 

[PertPerth]

Hi SweetErika

All those "vulvadynia" (vaginismus and vestibilitis) are all related. I've posted about this before - http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=507917

Yeah, a finger usually hurts. I think I'll see a specialist and get the official "dialators" since my insurance will pay 80% of them, and that'll likely be cheaper than buying a set of dildos or plugs.

The dialators are very cheap - about $20 each. I still use mine every day.

I'd definitely see a women's specialist physio too. My pelvic floor (and deeper) was very over active. I'm back to normal now, but it took me years to get there.

Things which have helped - small dose (10mg) of endep at night and ovestine (estrogen) cream on the outside of my vagina (even though it's often used internally, external is better for this) which 'plumps' the skin, so it hurts less during sex.

I hope things improve soon - I know how frustating it can be!

 

[HunnyBee18]

It's not just physical changes - it can also take time to adjust your self-image to being a mother and still desiring sex. At least it sounds like your husband isn't having trouble adjusting to the image of sex with the mother of his children.

But once all the physical possibilities are checked off, you still have to be able to look at yourself and say "Yes I'm a mommy... but I'm also a sexy woman".

Look at it this way - you're someone's MILF

 

[favoritesgoddess]

But more than that, what worries me most is I have almost no desire for any kind of sex, including masturbation. I know that's normal to some extent, especially when exhausted and breastfeeding; I'm guessing it's my body's way of protecting itself against another pregnancy right now.

However, I still feel incredibly guilty about having no sexual desire for my husband. I worry about my libido never coming back and becoming one of those spouses (you know, the ones complained about in the "sexually unfulfilled" posts/threads). And that sets off all sorts of irrational fears about my husband cheating, the destruction of our marriage, etc. I have talked to my husband about this, and he says we'll just have to work through it, but I still worry there's some kind of deadline that I don't know about and might miss.

Has anyone here had a similar experience? If so, what did you do about it? At what point did you get your desire back? Or, are you still in Libidolessland?

Yep. This part describes me to a tee. I wasn't troubled by actual pain or anything once the area healed up and snapped back into shape and all, and I didn't breastfeed so there were no additional hormonal issues having to do with that, but the rest...just yeah. I could have written it.

I lost my libido in its entirety before I knew I was even pregnant. I just didn't want to have sex, and with the first baby I was HORRIFIED. I mean, I'd been good to go for literally as long as I could remember. To have my libido vanish like that was just so scary! Especially when I'd read about how horny being pregnant made other women. I was sure I was broken.

The bad news, and I don't mean to be scary about it, is that it takes me on average 2 to 3 years post-partum to get my groove back to where it was, but YMMV. I know part of it is the general overwhelmingness of having a little one to take care of, but after many discussions of Hormones and How They Work with my ob/gyn, it seems that in my case, it's just a matter of them settling back down to pre-partum levels and get working the way they need to for my libido to return. He explained in some women it goes haywire but in the other direction--EVERYTHING is sexy. They orgasm during childbirth, they orgasm while nursing, they orgasm while getting a pelvic exam...he says it sounds like fun, but from the tears he's seen in his office, it's not.

But for me, nothing is sexy. Nothing is arousing. There is nothing my husband isn't doing, or is doing, to turn me off. I'm just "off" for awhile while my system reboots. My gyn assures me that I'm not abnormal or "broken" or anything like that. But female sexual response is complicated. It's why there's no Viagra for women.

This is also the third time I've gone through it, so on my end I know what to expect. My son is two and lo and behold, my libido is flickering on from time to time. I can write again, I can (still with a bit of effort) bring my systems online and feel a bit like the old me. Not 100% yet, but I can tell I'm getting there, and so can my husband. Sex isn't a chore like it was at this time last year.

Now, if I can manage to not get pregnant again the second all the lights in the plant come back on, I should be okay...

 

[SweetErika]

Hi SweetErika

All those "vulvadynia" (vaginismus and vestibilitis) are all related. I've posted about this before - http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=507917


The dialators are very cheap - about $20 each. I still use mine every day.

I'd definitely see a women's specialist physio too. My pelvic floor (and deeper) was very over active. I'm back to normal now, but it took me years to get there.

Things which have helped - small dose (10mg) of endep at night and ovestine (estrogen) cream on the outside of my vagina (even though it's often used internally, external is better for this) which 'plumps' the skin, so it hurts less during sex.

I hope things improve soon - I know how frustating it can be!

I asked the doctor about kegels, and she said they're great, but this isn't a pelvic floor issue, it's an inflammation and point-tenderness issue.

She did say estrogen cream was one of the things we could try down the line if the anesthetic doesn't help (enough), but I think we're both loathe to try anything that could affect my hormones or mess with my breastfeeding in general right now. I'm going to try to make it 6 more months on the breastfeeding front, so after that I'll have some more options.

Pelvic physiotherapy would be a hard choice. My insurance covers it, but it comes out of the same kitty as my massages, which I really need for chronic pain. It'd probably be a last resort because it's incredibly expensive here.

 

[infinity706]

OK, here's an update for those interested:

I went to a female urologist who specializes in sexual dysfunction today, she did a pelvic with a comprehensive vulvar exam (which most gynos don't ever do) and came up with a clear diagnosis of vestibulitis. The exam involved touching my vulva with a cotton swab, which I could have sworn was a pointy skewer or something similarly sharp and incredibly painful. She was able to replicate the pain I experience during penetration, so I'm sure we're on the right track with this diagnosis.

There's no definitive cause(s) or cure for this disease, but I feel a lot better knowing it's a real physical condition that has some treatments and it may just go away on its own at some point. Since it's autoimmune and the timing suggests my pregnancy was probably what set it off.

For the next month, I'm going to try applying a numbing cream 20 minutes before sex (and obviously washing it off so it doesn't numb him) and changing my diet a bit. Hopefully that'll do the trick because the other treatments are more risky, expensive and time consuming.

I'd say, have him wear a condom, too, to be extra careful with the numbing cream. It's very generous of you, to share your vagina with him, but if you're having inflamation issues, already, you certainly don't want him lasting any longer than necessary.

 

[cryforme1v]

scratched my post, i just read through your update and what i said had absolutely nothing to do with whats going on lol
sorry!
I hope you feel better tho!

 

[cryforme1v]

I'm going to try to make it 6 more months on the breastfeeding front.

you said the baby is 3 1/2 months now and another 6 months of breastfeeding.
I couldnt even do a month of breastfeeding because it hurt lol I cant imagine how breastfeeding a teething baby would feel like - just OUCH!

kudo's to ya Ma and congrats <even tho a bit late>

 

[NippleMuncher]

I do hope that you can find remedy for now and cure in the long term. Thanks for the update, as always SweetE, you're in my thoughts and have my deepest well wishes.

 

[SweetErika]

you said the baby is 3 1/2 months now and another 6 months of breastfeeding.
I couldnt even do a month of breastfeeding because it hurt lol I cant imagine how breastfeeding a teething baby would feel like - just OUCH!

kudo's to ya Ma and congrats <even tho a bit late>

He's over 6 months now, and we're trying to make it to March on the bf front. He doesn't have any teeth yet, but I'm sure we'll be fine when he does. They learn quickly to keep their teeth to themselves if they want boob.

If you ever bf again, consult a lactation specialist, or even La Leche League. It should never hurt unless the baby's latched wrong, which is something that can usually be corrected quite easily.

 

[infinity706]

He's over 6 months now, and we're trying to make it to March on the bf front. He doesn't have any teeth yet, but I'm sure we'll be fine when he does. They learn quickly to keep their teeth to themselves if they want boob.

If you ever bf again, consult a lactation specialist, or even La Leche League. It should never hurt unless the baby's latched wrong, which is something that can usually be corrected quite easily.

I don't know. I don't always keep my teeth to myself and I've gotten to play with more boobs than a lot of pornstars.

 

[blade_rocknut]

I'll throw in on this one- My wife breastfed both our kids to around a year of age- totally different experiences with each pregnancy. The first, she was horny throughout the pregnancy, and back to WANTING sex after 2-3 months. Our second child was another story. Similar diet, no meds, no nothing ( except prenatal vitamins). Sexual desire was lost for most of the ( miserable- sick, etc) pregnancy, and it took a solid 6 months for any hint of desire to return for her. Yes, sex was a little uncomfortable, due to ( sloppy) repair of tearing during birth, but really the desire was the main thing. Good thing is, this all passed. Exhaustion played a huge part; out kids are less than 2 years apart- so you can imagine the demands on her body and mind. She fed no formula, and the second child in particular, hated a bottle- even with breast milk. She literally had to feed him straight from the boob. I am only posting to demonstrate that, even with the same mother and similar circumstances, sexual desire can vary greatly. It has oft been said that had our son been first born- he'd be an only child! The pregnancy and first 6 months of breastfeeding went so badly, we wouldn't have wanted to do it again!