Would REALLY appreciate any constructive criticism...or even if you just enjoyed it or not.
Thanks!
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=405910
Thanks!
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=405910
Posted my first story...would appreciate feedback.
- Thread starter Wyld52771
- Start date
_Lynn_
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2006
- Posts
- 49,494
The beginning paragraphs could be condensed in my opinion. You'd do better explaining why he, as a cop, would go along with the girl so easily. Tell us something believable at least, even if it's only a hint.
I noticed several errors, and you begin too many sentences with 'she'. It's difficult when there are only two people, but rearranging the wording can help.
The dialogue gets lost in the paragraphs. Separating it gives it more impact to me.
(I didn't do anything here except split this one as an example.)
He felt confused, his thoughs seeming thick and clouded in his mind, and he heard himself ask, "How do you know my name?" She smiled again, and said, "No questions, lover. Tonight is about pleasure. Come with me." She led him to a small apartment nearby, leading him as if he were sleepwalking. She motioned him to sit on the bed, and began to light candles, giving the room a soft flickering glow. She then slowly began to take off her clothing, her body stunningly beautiful, the candlelight playing across her alabaster skin. She began to walk towards him, and said, "It has been so long since I've been with someone, David...I've been so lonely. I need..."
****
He felt confused, his thoughs seeming thick and clouded in his mind, and he heard himself ask, "How do you know my name?"
She smiled again, and said, "No questions, lover. Tonight is about pleasure. Come with me."
She led him to a small apartment nearby, leading him as if he were sleepwalking. She motioned him to sit on the bed, and began to light candles, giving the room a soft flickering glow. She then slowly began to take off her clothing, her body stunningly beautiful, the candlelight playing across her alabaster skin.
She began to walk towards him, and said, "It has been so long since I've been with someone, David...I've been so lonely. I need..."
****
I think you could expand it to make it stronger, but for a first story, good job. Keep writing.
Nothing in there that an editor wouldn't pick up on for you.
I noticed several errors, and you begin too many sentences with 'she'. It's difficult when there are only two people, but rearranging the wording can help.
The dialogue gets lost in the paragraphs. Separating it gives it more impact to me.
(I didn't do anything here except split this one as an example.)
He felt confused, his thoughs seeming thick and clouded in his mind, and he heard himself ask, "How do you know my name?" She smiled again, and said, "No questions, lover. Tonight is about pleasure. Come with me." She led him to a small apartment nearby, leading him as if he were sleepwalking. She motioned him to sit on the bed, and began to light candles, giving the room a soft flickering glow. She then slowly began to take off her clothing, her body stunningly beautiful, the candlelight playing across her alabaster skin. She began to walk towards him, and said, "It has been so long since I've been with someone, David...I've been so lonely. I need..."
****
He felt confused, his thoughs seeming thick and clouded in his mind, and he heard himself ask, "How do you know my name?"
She smiled again, and said, "No questions, lover. Tonight is about pleasure. Come with me."
She led him to a small apartment nearby, leading him as if he were sleepwalking. She motioned him to sit on the bed, and began to light candles, giving the room a soft flickering glow. She then slowly began to take off her clothing, her body stunningly beautiful, the candlelight playing across her alabaster skin.
She began to walk towards him, and said, "It has been so long since I've been with someone, David...I've been so lonely. I need..."
****
I think you could expand it to make it stronger, but for a first story, good job. Keep writing.
Nothing in there that an editor wouldn't pick up on for you.
Yeah, that's been a problem for me in the past, I have to admit.
I know I have a hard time on my technical skills on occasion, it being one of my weak points...usually I know what I WANT to say, but the wording, sentence, or paragraph structure isn't exactly as well constructed as it SHOULD be at times, and I'm sure it inhibits the readability of my stories a bit. I've been attempting to work on that, but I guess it's still a "work-in-progress".
Thank you for taking the time to look it over, and for the advice as well. I really do appreciate it.
I know I have a hard time on my technical skills on occasion, it being one of my weak points...usually I know what I WANT to say, but the wording, sentence, or paragraph structure isn't exactly as well constructed as it SHOULD be at times, and I'm sure it inhibits the readability of my stories a bit. I've been attempting to work on that, but I guess it's still a "work-in-progress".
Thank you for taking the time to look it over, and for the advice as well. I really do appreciate it.
